Jump to content

Despondent ...
will recover tho, I'm sure


  • Please log in to reply
11 replies to this topic

#1 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 07 July 2010 - 12:59 PM

After a few months of to-ing and fro-ing, DH and I made the decision not to try for #3.  

I was definitely more keen, it was something I immediately wanted virtually as soon as #2 was born, as soon as I laid eyes on her, which was a little strange because I'd never had any desire to have more than 2 kids.  Even now, looking at my two children playing, I sometimes think the picture is not complete.

But, DH was surprised with the idea (and so he should be, we'd always said two kids would be plenty for us). And after a few months of getting him to think about it, we did lots of talking.  And I never wanted him to feel pressured into agreeing - it needed to be something that we both wanted, not simply that one of us wanted and the other just went along with it to keep the peace.  And I didn't want him to be guilted into it, that would be awful.

So, the upshot is that DH doesn't feel the need or urge to have a third child.  And while I accept that (and all his reasons are very reasonable and logical), I feel so sad about it, so empty.  I will get over this eventually - we are so lucky to have the children we have, it's more than I ever hoped for.  But I still wanted 3 children.

Just needed to get it off my mind.  Chin up now, back to life ....

#2 Feral Madam Mim

Posted 07 July 2010 - 01:42 PM

i feel EXACTLY the same way. dh and i always agreed on just 2 children and the possibility of a 3rd, but after the twins were born i felt the need for one more, dh however is in the same place as your dh, he doesn't have the desire for another and i could never guilt or pressure him into bringing a child into the world knowing it isnt what he really wants.

my dh has said that he would think about it more when my twins are in school, but i wont be holding my breath lol.

#3 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 07 July 2010 - 03:04 PM

QUOTE (mad madam mim @ 07/07/2010, 01:42 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
i feel EXACTLY the same way. dh and i always agreed on just 2 children and the possibility of a 3rd, but after the twins were born i felt the need for one more, dh however is in the same place as your dh, he doesn't have the desire for another and i could never guilt or pressure him into bringing a child into the world knowing it isnt what he really wants.

my dh has said that he would think about it more when my twins are in school, but i wont be holding my breath lol.


Ah, you have time on your side.  It's either now or never for us - I am getting close to 40 and DH goes over that line in a couple of months.  So, we either bite the bullet and go for it now or we miss that boat forever.

Wish we had the luxury of time but we didn't meet until later in life, took a while to hook up, fall pregnant the first time, etc, etc.

I think DH would be more receptive to the idea if we were 5-10 years younger, but not so now ...


#4 Julie3Girls

Posted 07 July 2010 - 03:49 PM

QUOTE
So, the upshot is that DH doesn't feel the need or urge to have a third child

I guess for me, if I felt strongly about wanting a 3rd, and he didn't feel a "need" for a 3rd, I'd be looking at does he feel strongly about NOT wanting a child.

To me there is a difference between not actually wanting a 3rd, and just not feeling an urge for a 3rd, if you know what I mean.

I agree about not wanting to force my husband to have a 3rd child, but I would hope there would be some feelings the other way, my husband not wanting to force me to settle, when he didn't feel strongly one way or the other.

So hard to make a decision like that ....

#5 marylouise

Posted 07 July 2010 - 03:53 PM

This might sound silly, but I feel like I'm going through a mourning period realising that I'm not having anymore children.  I have a 4 month old (my third) & would love more, but its just not practical & DH doesn't want any more.  I've just (reluctantly) given away my 0000 clothes & my maternity clothes whereas in the past they have always gone in the cupboard "for next time".  sad.gif  I'm really sad.  I love being pregnant.  I love having a newborn..but there will be no more...

PMF I hope that you can reconcile with your feelings over this very soon & don't live with a feeling of regret.  Good luck.

#6 ms flib

Posted 07 July 2010 - 04:01 PM

I really understand what the PP wrote about mourning the loss of a future child. It's not silly at all. I spent a couple of years after my third was born in disbelief that I would never be pregnant again or have another baby. I am resolved with it now - three is more than enough. There's another side to it - this baby hunger.

Anyway now I have a mirena (so no accidents) and we're getting on with things as our kids grow up.

These are very real feelings that we need to acknowledge.

Best wishes

#7 Bami

Posted 07 July 2010 - 04:05 PM

After I had my DS2 I also felt that the picture wasn't complete and wanted to have one more child. DH wasn't very keen and I figured I had been blessed with two healthy boys and was grateful for that fact. I got rid of all my baby stuff. Then DH said 'okay - shall we have one more?'. So we had another one.

Although I love him to bits (DS3) and wouldn't change things now, I would have been okay with two. Life certainly would have been a lot easier. Even now I find myself thinking about how I could be doing this or that if DS3 wasn't around, like when the older two go to bed at 7.30pm every night however DS3 is still demanding attention until 9pm and then I have to sleep in his bed with him to get him to go to sleep, when I should be getting my uni work done!

I think the common phrase around EB 'You never regret the children you have, but you may regret the children you don't have' is misleading.

I think all women should think very carefully before having more kids. Yes they are adorable, and lovely and babies are just wonderful but now I just think about babies/pregnancy and think how I will have no time to do anything for myself, even sleep.

Perhaps I am getting selfish in my old age though... or perhaps I just know that my family is well and truly complete (no cluckiness here whatsoever!), or maybe I am a mum that is totally over school holidays only days into them!!!!

All the best on whatever you decide.

#8 goldimouse

Posted 07 July 2010 - 04:10 PM

Like a PP, I'd talk together and weigh up how badly you DO want another against how badly he DOESN'T want another.

#9 2plusoops

Posted 07 July 2010 - 04:13 PM

I fully understand where you're at.  Although I always wanted lots of kids, we also didn't meet til later in life and agreed 2 children was enough - DD now 4 and DS now 2.5.  But we had an 'accident', another DD now 9 months old.   Although I was happy with our decision to stop after two children, since DD2's birth I have found myself wanting another very much but DH doesn't.  I fully understand his reasoning - our ages, finances etc, all very logical and reasonable ........ but understanding that doesn't help.  

I should be happy with the three happy healthy kids we have - and I am, don't get me wrong.  I'd never force him or deliberately get pregnant without his agrement, but everyday a part of me hopes that he'll come home from work and say 'lets have another'.   I know this feeling will pass eventually, at least I hope it will.

Hmm .... sorry OP nothing here to help you, you just a like minded soul  wink.gif

#10 marylouise

Posted 07 July 2010 - 04:31 PM

oops - wrong posting...


Edited by marylouise, 07 July 2010 - 04:34 PM.


#11 harrison~at~last

Posted 07 July 2010 - 04:49 PM

We had only ever planned 2 children about 3 years apart.  I think we both would have been satisfied with this, complete even.  Someone upstairs had different plans for us though LOL we're both happy about it, but it is pretty overwhelming, and I know DH worries a lot about providing for a larger family than we'd 'agreed' on.

#12 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 07 July 2010 - 08:35 PM

Thank you for all the responses.  I think it's been hard because over the past few months, DH has been flipping back and forth.  It's only been in the last month or so that he has stayed on the "no more" side and I think that is largely to do with the fact that we have just got a mortgage again.  A 3rd child would mean a bigger car (no question), a bigger house (eventually), etc.  Plus, he's getting older.  And he doesn't want to 'jinx' us.  I thought I was going to be able to swing him over to my side but I also don't want to make a big issue about it as he might just start feeling forced and then it's all over red rover.  I would feel so frustrated if in 3 months he brings it up again and says yes he does, and there is 3 months gone (which is critical when you are hitting up to 40, trust me!)

Yes, I am very thankful for the two happy and healthy girls that we have now.  In many ways, I can't imgaine it could get any better (then, on other days, I wonder how much worse it could possibly get!  biggrin.gif )




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

A mum's tragic battle against inflammatory breast cancer

At just 37 years of age, with two young sons, Vicki was diagnosed with inflammatory breast cancer. Now her family wants all women to know the symptoms.

The business of babies around the world

Pregnancy and birth is an intriguing process no matter where you are in the world. One soon-to-be father gleans wisdom from a new guide.

Finding a positive path through IVF

It’s not surprising that IVF is often seen as a negative journey towards the ultimate positive, but having a glass-half-full approach can make a big difference to the experience.

Giving strangers the gift of parenthood

A mum explains why she and her husband are choosing to gift their leftover embryos to help strangers achieve their dream of parenthood.

Does morning sickness get better or worse with each child?

Just as every baby is unique, so is every pregnancy. And that means morning sickness can vary a lot, too.

What's so wrong with looking 'mumsy', anyway?

Why is it that the word ‘mumsy’ has connotations of such a negative nature – but seems to be the only other option apart from ‘yummy’?

Trying to speed up the inevitable

As the waiting game of late pregnancy continues, this mum considers a few things that might hurry things up a little.

One month later: where is William Tyrell?

It has been a little over a month since William Tyrell disappeared from his grandmother's home, 33 long sleepless nights for his family as they mourn the absence of their cheeky young boy.

Winter's child less likely to be moody: study

Babies born in the summer are much more likely to suffer from mood swings when they grow up, while those born in the winter are less likely to become irritable adults, scientists claim.

Single mum of two creates award-winning baby app

Suddenly single with a baby and an 11-year-old son, Tara O?Connell developed an app to improve the lives of mothers who were similarly overwhelmed.

Food for thought: looking after yourself as a new mum

As soon as your baby enters the world, everything else takes a back seat - even the necessities of daily life such as eating are severely compromised, right when you need energy the most.

'Grabbable guts' campaign aims to cut toxic fat

The Live Lighter campaign will take people inside the human body to show the internal dangers of being overweight.

The best and worst month of my life

A new mum's first month of motherhood didn't pan out as expected when she lost a family member weeks after her baby's birth.

Facebook and Apple offer to pay female staff to freeze their eggs

Facebook and Apple are hoping to provide women with the freedom to build their careers without the added pressure of having children at or by a certain age.

How a pregnancy contract could work for you and your partner

The idea of making a 'pregnancy contract' with your partner may sound a bit silly at first, but it can help make the transition to parenthood a lot smoother.

Finding a mum-friendly personal trainer

Burping babies vs burpees – yes, new mums and personal trainers live in different worlds. But they can work together - once you find the right match for you and your lifestyle.

Alleged baby snatch incident a ?misunderstanding?, say police

Police say that an incident in which a man pulled on a woman?s pram while walking a popular Sydney route late last month was a misunderstanding.

Ebola killed my aunt and is shutting down my country

Three weeks ago, my auntie, a midwife, developed a fever. Sitting here in Sydney basked in Australian sunshine, that shouldn't be big news.

The night my ovary burst

One mum shares her frightening experience and vows to never take her health for granted again.

Download now: Essential Kids Activity Finder app

Got bored kids? Quickly find the best activities for kids wherever you are in Australia with the Essential Kids app.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Win 1 of 5 Canon Powershot D30 cameras

Capture life more easily with the Canon Powershot D30. Shockproof, waterproof and dustproof, you can take it almost anywhere and shoot beautiful images, time after time. Enter now!

16 parenting truths you won't find in the baby books

I am five years into this parenting gig and I’ve learnt that sleepless nights and changing dirty nappies are child’s play.

Best and worst potty party cakes

It's nice to celebrate a child making the shift from nappies to 'big kid' undies, but do we really need a semi-realistic used toilet cake to do it? Here are some of the best and worst cakes parents have used at 'potty parties' around the world.

7 tips for a financially festive Christmas

Plan ahead - and do it now - to ensure festive season expenses don't break the bank.

'Go the F*** to Sleep' author's new book for frustrated parents

A sequel is coming soon to the 2011 hit book 'Go the F*** to Sleep' - and this time, it's about mealtimes.

Great birthday party buys from Etsy

Handmade crafts to decorate and personalise your child's next birthday - from banners to cake decorations, we've got gorgeous party finds from Etsy.

Creative storage ideas for the kids' rooms

Creative and practical storage ideas for the kids' toys and books can also add some stylish decor to your home. Visit babyology.com.au for more stylish modern finds for hip kids & parents.

The 'yucky' illness that took over my life

I have a chronic illness nobody likes to discuss, as it involves toilet talk. But it needs to be talked about.

To the mum in the doctor's waiting room

Maybe the mum I saw in that waiting room, seemingly disconnected from her baby, doesn’t have the support she needs.

10 space-saving nursery ideas

Starting a family doesn't always mean moving into a bigger house - not yet, anyway.

 

What's in a name?

Baby Names

Looking for a classic name, or an unusual name? Our Baby Name Finder is for you, search or browse to refine your shortlist.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.