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Finding a container for ashes?
14 replies to this topic
Posted 06 June 2010 - 08:34 PM
I'm sure this will be the first of many posts in this section of Eb.
I had my daughter on Friday at 40 weeks and 5 days. She was born sleeping as they say.
We have decided to get her cremated and the funeral home don't provide or have urns or anything so i'm wondering where others who've been through this may have gotten something? Are there specialised places to buy this kind of thing? Did you just go to a gift shop and find a nice bottle/vase type thing?
I was even thinking of one of those stained glass jewllery type boxes or something??
I have no idea where to start or what to look for. This is not something I had planned for or ever thought could happen to me. I don't even know yet how her ashes will be given to us. I think in a small plastic container or something simple?
We are not having a funeral or specialised service. We have decided to wait until we have her ashes and take them home and then have our own memorial with family at my in-laws farm. I want to see if I can release some butterflies as butterflies have always been of big importance for me and it seem appropriate that they fly away towards the sky like she has.
Although I don't know if I should be having a proper service for her?? Am i not giving her justice by not having a funeral??
I'm so confused and being brave but I don't want to be brave. I don't want to have to be thinking about this.
I'm supposed to be tired and emotional and getting angry at my kids for being distracting while i'm breastfeeding her. I'm not supposed to be wondering what on earth to do with all the baby clothes and toys I have in her room.
OK I just need the information for now. I think the advice and comfort is something I need later. Right now I need to organise how to remember her otherwise I will start crying and never ever stop.
Posted 06 June 2010 - 09:16 PM
I am so very deeply sorry for your loss, and im terribly sorry you had to join our group.
You need to do what you feel most comfortable with, its all very overwhelming and its a position people never thought they would be in. We had a service for my Madeline because that was my initial response, I knew straight away I wanted to hold one. But if your gut or feeling is not to, then dont.
Be careful with your self. Cry freely. Talk about her. Put up photos of her, or your ultrasounds around the house. She's your baby and always will be.
There is a website that sells photos of the sunrise for the day your Amelia was born, that can be nice, but in the end it has o be what feels best for you.
Feel free to PM me when ever you like, I will listen to you speak about her, or anything you like xxxx
Edited by ~ky~, 07 June 2010 - 10:19 AM.
Posted 06 June 2010 - 09:28 PM
Sorry for your loss, Amelia Grace - a beautiful name, fly free and watch over your mummy
Here are 2 websites you can look at
Edited by ~ky~, 07 June 2010 - 10:19 AM.
Posted 06 June 2010 - 09:30 PM
Aussiebella - I am so sorry that Ameila could not stay hear with you.
Having a funeral for Amelia is your and your husband chose to make, we had a funeral for both of our daughters because to us it was a way our other children and our friends and family could say goodbye to our girls since nobody got the chance top meet them. Which ever way you decide to remeber Amelia would you wonderful and do what feels right for you.
I am suprised that Amelia's ashes will not not be put in a little urn for you, with our first DD, we were terrifeid to open the container since we didn't know how her ashes would be presented to us and we brough her a urn from http://www.urns-online.com.au/ which is the cherub ruby marble urn and including postage was $150-200 cheaper than the one in Australia. Both our girls are in a little urn which we recieved them in and the other one is a ornamental piece now. Ask the funeral home what container she will be given to you in so at least you know what to expect when opening the box up.
You are going though a hole range of emotions at the moment including confused on what has happened to your little girl and being brave for eveyone when you not feeling brave at all, I went on auto pilot a month ago when our 2nd DD was born and I am so over being brave and acting brave when heart is breaking over again.
Big hugs to you and if you want to talk to me feel free to PM me.
Edited by ~ky~, 07 June 2010 - 10:20 AM.
Posted 06 June 2010 - 09:32 PM
My daughers ashes rest on my drawers in my bedroom in a box that nobody knows is her urn.
For my 21st birthday my then BF gave me this beautiful jarra jewellery box that i had seen on holidays. When I was looking for somewhere to keep my daughters ashes I originally was going to put them in there, but when I got them back from the funeral home the container they were in was too big and I didn't want to unseal it so I tracked down the man who made the original box. His name was on the bottom so I just googled him and found his studio in WA. I told him the dimensions of the container and he made a matching box to my jewellery box and added a little lock for me. On the inside he attached her plaque from her coffin. She now rests on my drawers next to my jewellery box, and this really suited me as I didn't want something that people would instantly recognise as a container with her ashses in it.
In the box I also have her birth and death certificates, rosary beads and name bracelet.
There are lots of sites on line that sell wooden boxes or stained glass boxes, or if you are interested I can send you the name of the person who made mine. If you find one but it is not the size you need, most times you can email the maker and see if they will do one to your specifications.
As for how you chose to honour your daughter, that is up to you. There is no right or wrong way. She will feel no less loved if you don't have a funeral nor is she any less part of your family. Do what you feel in your heart is right.
Good luck with your decision.
Edited by ~ky~, 07 June 2010 - 10:21 AM.
Posted 06 June 2010 - 09:39 PM
I am so sorry for your loss of Amelia Grace. She has a beautiful name. Our DD was stillborn and her middle name is Grace too.
We went to a place that sold urns - they were a wholesale place but like you we didn't know where else to go. They had some beautiful ones to choose from. I can't remember the name right now but could look it up in the morning. We are in Melb too.
Be gentle with yourselves in the days ahead.
Edited by ~ky~, 07 June 2010 - 10:22 AM.
Posted 07 June 2010 - 12:20 AM
I am so saddened to hear of the loss of your precious daughter Amelia. It's so damn unfair.
Our daughter's ashes were given to us in a gorgeous little urn by the funeral home. I recall them telling us that if we wanted a different one we could order one through them. Maybe check if the funeral home have brochures for a supplier?
We didn't have a public funeral. We had a little service in the hospital chapel with just me, DH and my parents present. The chaplain did a naming ceremony and anointed her as i held her. We're not religious, but for some reason i found it very comforting. I felt like i had done something for her.
I think the memorial at the farm sounds beautiful and IMO is a form of a funeral for her. Just follow your heart and do things the way you and your DH want to and can bear to.
I'm so sorry. Your family are in my thoughts
Edited by ~ky~, 07 June 2010 - 10:22 AM.
Posted 07 June 2010 - 07:08 AM
I am also sorry for your loss.
We chose not to have a service at the funeral home, we had our son cremated and had a small ceremony at home with just our immediate family. I am not religious, and didn't want a full funeral service, it just didn't seem right for our family if that makes sense? I certainly didn't feel like i wasn't doing him justice by not having a funeral service. What we did came from the heart.
I couldn't find an urn that i really liked, so i haven't actually got one yet. Connor is still in the container that the funeral home put him in. It is in a beautiful gold drawstring bag.
I didn't want to get something i wasn't totally happy with, and i'm sure when the time is right, something will stand out to me, until then i am happy to wait.
My thoughts are with you.
Edited by ~ky~, 07 June 2010 - 10:23 AM.
Posted 07 June 2010 - 11:41 AM
Thankyou all for your ideas and stories.
The reason we chose to wait was because I wanted to wait til we had the money to do everything I want to do at her "service". Like the butterflies and have a beautiful place for her ashes.
Although i'm torn because my Mum is only here for a few days and won't be there to say goodbye (although she did say goodbye at the hospital and that was special).
There's so many things I want to do though and I think i'm getting carried away with trying to find ways to remember her and forget about trying to grieve.
It's not real yet? I keep thinking that i'm waiting to go to hospital to have her and bring her home. i'm a bit lost. I keep wandering around the house wondering what to do. I don't feel right doing normal things and I can't really yet as my Mum is here and my husband is home...so there's no routine to go back to.
I slept with the blanket they gave me at the hospital for her. I held it in my arms and rubbed it all night. I also had to sleep with the tv on (on mute) because I couldn't handle my room being so dark.
I don't know how to do any of this. What do I do next? I feel so empty. I have no tummy anymore but I have no baby. I don't understand it???
Posted 07 June 2010 - 01:37 PM
I am so sorry for your loss. My daughter was stillborn almost 4 years ago and I too found it hard to find anything for her ashes. I have a music box from Peters of Kensington. The funeral home sealed her ashes inside ans engraved her name on the top.
I too still struggle to understand why this happens.
Take care of yourself
Posted 07 June 2010 - 01:47 PM
I know how you are feeling we lost our little boy Kobi Hunter on the 11th April 2010, he was born at 38weeks. I have spent the last 8 weeks planning a funeral service taking a holiday and now doing as much as I can to keep his memory alive. The types of things I have done I have listed at the end and they have very much helped.
I slept with a teddy bear that my sister had bought Kobi when we passed the 12 week scan. I have had 2 previous miscarriages, we have no living children, Kobi would have been our first. I almost packed it to take on holidays as I had not slept without it since leaving the hospital.
We had Kobi cremated and we think we may split his ashes and have a memorial site at the cemetary but also scatter them at the beach as this is significant to us. We had balloons at his service that spelt his name, we later released them with our nieces and nephews.
Do whatever you think is right for you there are no right or wrong answers. There are websites that you can also order jewellery where you can keep some ashes with you if that is something you wish to do.
What we have done;
If you think it would help SANDS offer a 24/7 phone service where you can ring and talk to someone who has been through what you are experiencing.
I have only started on these forum sites since losing Kobi but it is amazing the type of comfort you can get from knowing someone else is going through the same thing.
Posted 07 June 2010 - 05:17 PM
I still have my daughter's ashes in the container I got from the funeral home as I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with them. It sits on my bedside table. She died on 13/11/09.
I'm glad I gave it some time to think it through. I've now found a beautiful urn necklace that you can put a small portion of the ashes in and carry them close to your heart for ever.
I also found a nice childs trinket box that I am going to put them in and seal. It's not a traditional urn, but it beautiful and suits what I was looking for.
I can send you the links if you like?
Posted 07 June 2010 - 06:19 PM
I would love the link thankyou
My husband wants to get a necklace with a little holder for her ashes. I'm considering it too.
My only concern is seperating the ashes. I feel like i'd be cutting off her finger or something to put inthe locket. She didn't have enough hair to have taken hair. We have asked if they can save her cord after they do the examination (for COD)
I guess we will decide when the time comes.
Posted 07 June 2010 - 09:00 PM
I just wanted to say how my heartbreaks for you, Amelia Grace is a beautiful name. My daughter was stillborn at 41 weeks in December during labour for no known reason. Life is unfair...
We have a little silver and pink urn with an angel on it which have Veronica's ashes. I have them sitting with her photo, locks of her hair and other bits and pieces. I talk to them everyday and place a kiss on them every morning and night (that might make me sound a bit crazy...)
We had funeral and then a small gathering of just our immediate family when we went to the cremetorium (spelling?) - a private time to say good-bye. I don't think you have to have a funeral, you do what feels right for you and your family.
I remember feeling like I should of being doing something. I should of been bathing her or, struggling to breastfeed or something...I just felt lost and empty and I didn't want to return to 'normal' things.
KHK - I actually take a photo of Veronica with me whenever I travel now (I travel a bit with work). I just can't not have it with me and wear her photo in a locket everyday. I just need to see her with me...
Edited by poppess, 07 June 2010 - 09:00 PM.
Posted 10 June 2010 - 02:25 PM
Sorry to hear about the loss of your daughter Amelia Grace, beautiful name by the way.
DP and I had our twin girls cremated (they were born 12-10-09 @ 23.3weeks due to PROM) we didnt have a funeral service as we decided we wanted to have a little service at our home with close family and friends (the ones who showed support) We had pink and purple balloons that we attached poems and a personal message to them and let them go out on a hill near where we live, it was a beautiful and special day for us and for our girls.
I also bought a pendant urn which has a bit of my girls ashes in it, its a infinity sign and it absolutly goregous, DP finally found a pendant urn that he likes in a shape of a bullet as he likes hunting and it was a pefect urn for him, we wear or necklaces everyday. We found them on ebay lol of all places, but we love them which is the main thing. We never ended up getting an urn for their ashes, even though we looked around for something we just didnt find one we liked but we decided to let our girls ashes go at a waterfall which was a beautiful spot that DP picked out and i loved it, it was so peaceful as no one was around as its kind of hidden as you have to walk a little bit and the path was a bit overgrown, and as soon as we let their ashes go there was a butterfly that flew right around us a few times, i like to think it was them giving us a sign .
Heres a few other things:
-Im also considering getting a tattoo in memory of my girls.
-Im also doing a scrapbook up of them as we have lots of photos.
-We also got their names written in sand as theres a lady that does that for ppl who have experienced baby loss. Its called to write their names in the sand. http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/ And we got the photos blown up and they look great.
-theres also a lady who writes names on flowers too who i think is a friend of the lady who writes names in sand http://onlysayitwithflowers.blogspot.com/2...o-requests.html I havnt had this done but am considering it.
-I also have a few photos in frames of them and little bits and pieces that people gave as gifts in memory of my angels which are in the lounge.
Hope this helps a bit for you to decide what you and dh would like to do in memory of your little angel Amelia There are so many things you can do and ppl on here are great with showing support and ideas.
Sorry for the long post.
Edited by ~ky~, 10 June 2010 - 05:57 PM.
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