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Favourite worst jokes!


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#76 Born Three

Posted 05 June 2010 - 01:26 AM

no offence intended:


Far away in the depths of the sea, two prawns, Justin and Christian, are swimming in the water. They are constantly being threatened by sharks.

One day Justin says: "I'm bored and frustrated with being a prawn. I wish I was a shark and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."

Suddenly a mysterious cod appears and says: "Your wish is granted," and Justin turns into a Shark.

Horrified, Christian swims off immediately, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time goes by and Justin is bored and lonely as a shark. All his friends dash for cover whenever he is near. So when he chances upon the mysterious cod again he can't believe his luck. He begs the cod to change him from a shark, and lo and behold, he's turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swims to his friends and buys them all cocktails. Looking around at the gathering reef, he searches in vain for his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asks.

"At home, distraught because his best friend turned into a shark and became his enemy." came the reply.

Eager to put things right, Justin sets off for Christian's house. He bangs on the door and shouts: "It's me, Justin, your old friend. Come out and have a drink with me."

"No way!" Christian shouts back. "You'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy. I'll not be tricked by you."

Justin cries out in despair: "I've seen Cod. I'm a prawn again, Christian!"

#77 caramel creme cake

Posted 16 June 2010 - 09:27 PM

QUOTE (Mel1609 @ 27/04/2010, 09:19 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
How do you make a hormone ?
Kick her in the tw*t



QUOTE (twinboys @ 27/04/2010, 10:18 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Q What do you do if you come across an elephant in the jungle?
A Wipe it off and say sorry


roll2.gif Bah ha ha ha. These are priceless!!!

Q. How do you make an apple puff?

A. Chase it around the garden.



Two muffins are baking in the oven. One muffin says ‘It sure is hot in here’. The other muffin says “Oh my god, a talking muffin!!”



#78 caiter

Posted 17 June 2010 - 05:38 PM

All previous are great, it's good to have a good laugh

'Why was 6 afraid of 7?'

'Cause 7 8 9'

#79 Buff Daddy

Posted 21 June 2010 - 04:45 PM

What do you call Winnie the Pooh when he's dead?

Winnie the dead

#80 Binxi

Posted 16 July 2010 - 05:53 PM

What do you get when you cross a brown chicken and a brown cow?


brown chicka brown cow!

(Bom-chika-wow-wow)

#81 NannyZoe

Posted 23 July 2010 - 01:02 AM

What is a thumb tack???

A smartie with an erection biggrin.gif

#82 blu3berry

Posted 17 February 2011 - 03:55 PM

What's white and can't climb trees?


Yogurt  tongue.gif





God I love Lame jokes.

#83 treesar

Posted 17 February 2011 - 04:26 PM

What do you get if you sit under a cow?
A pat on the head.

#84 sam_gamgee

Posted 18 February 2011 - 07:51 PM

What's white and blue and sits in a tree?
A fridge with a denim jacket on.

#85 carizza

Posted 02 March 2011 - 06:37 PM

Worst joke that I know so far *this made me laugh like a retard*

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a  handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to  the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any  jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her  that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The  man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her  husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the  house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I  had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached  in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's  not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

#86 Dani

Posted 27 March 2011 - 05:38 PM

QUOTE
*this made me laugh like a retard*



Noice.   glare.gif



#87 lani82

Posted 06 April 2011 - 10:09 PM

A turtle was mugged by a pack of snails. When the policeman asked the turtle what happened she said I don't know, it all happened so fast!

#88 Guest_CaptainOblivious_*

Posted 06 April 2011 - 10:54 PM

There was a blonde woman driving along a country road when she saw another blonde sitting in a boat in a paddock, rowing. The first blonde pulled over and got out and screamed at the one in the boat 'it's idiots like you that give blondes a bad name...



and if I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your a*se'


We also had the koala one but it was
Why did the koala fall out of the tree
It was dead

Why did the second koala fall out of the tree
The first one hit it

Why did the 3rd koala fall out of a tree
peer pressure.

Also
why did the boy fall off his bike?
someone threw a fridge at him.

they're so stupid they always make me laugh. That and the brown and sticky one.

Edited by CaptainOblivious, 06 April 2011 - 10:54 PM.


#89 skylark

Posted 06 April 2011 - 11:07 PM

How do you get ten Pikachus on a bus?

Poke 'em on.

That one's not only pathetic, but also hopelessly dated!

This is one I made up for my toilet-humour obsessed 4 year old son:

Q. What's the funniest dog of all?

A. A Poo-dle!

He laughed and laughed and laughed, and now makes me tell it to everyone we meet (eg. random lady on tram, man at the fruit shop, my MIL).

#90 ironbutterfly

Posted 07 April 2011 - 12:01 AM

This is my brothers favorite joke (and yes he's extremely sexist)

Ironman is a person of amazing physical strength and endurance

"Iron, woman!" is a command

#91 NannyZoe

Posted 21 April 2011 - 08:47 AM

realised I had already posted....


Edited by NannyZoe, 21 April 2011 - 08:49 AM.


#92 ~mimo~

Posted 13 April 2012 - 09:56 PM

*bump* ph34r.gif

#93 Flutter Bug

Posted 13 April 2012 - 10:06 PM

What did the cannibal do after he ate his girlfriend?

He dumped her.

#94 Born Slippy

Posted 13 April 2012 - 10:10 PM

Did you hear about the ice-cream man?

He was found dead in his ice-cream                van, covered in chocolate sauce and hundreds-and-thousands...

The                police said that he had topped himself.

#95 Balto1

Posted 13 April 2012 - 10:21 PM

An Englishman, and Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman says, "What's this? Some kind of joke?"

#96 RobotFerretOfDoom

Posted 13 April 2012 - 10:37 PM

Why are pirates awesome?
Because they Arrrrr.


Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
So they can hide upside down in the custard.
Have you ever seen an elephant hiding upside down in custard? No?
Shows what a good disguise it is.



Two frenchmen are invited to a fancy dress party, with the theme "Emotions".
The host is stunned to open the door to find them on the doorstep, stark naked, one with a pear on his penis, and one with his penis in a jug of custard.
"What the hell are you???'" he asks.
The first replies (works best with strong French accent) "I am deep in despair"
And the second says, "Yes, and I am f*cking disgusted"

(deep in dis pear, f*cking dis custard)

#97 Tea~for~two

Posted 13 April 2012 - 10:57 PM

Mrs Dunn's son disappeared 10 years ago and she never heard from him since. One of the men from the village was going out to 'see the world' so Mrs Dunn asked him to look out for her boy and tell him to write to her and let her know he was OK.

The man went on his way, and one day while waiting at a train station he remembered his promise. Turning around he saw a gentleman come out of the restrooms do he went up and asked him, 'Are you done?' Surprised, the man replied 'yes'.

"Then why don't you write to your mother???"

#98 Dream Foundations

Posted 13 April 2012 - 11:15 PM

One I heard on the local ABC some years ago.

Three guys go into a bar.  The bartender comes over to take their order and warned them "whatever you do, don't look at the bouncer.  He's got no ears and is rather sensitive about it."

They all have a beer and one of them finally gets the courage and peeks towards the bouncer.  Within seconds, the huge bouncer is at the table, demanding "What are you looking at?" to which the quick-thinking offending man replied "I was just admiring your teeth.  You know, you have to look after your teeth, because if you don't look after your teeth, they'll all fall out and you would have to wear false teeth, which would be a pity as you have a fine looking set of teeth."  The bouncer was happy enough with this answer, and the three men ordered another round of beers.

Drinking the second beer, the next man snuck a quick glance. Within seconds, the huge bouncer is at the table, demanding "What are  you looking at?" to which the quick-thinking offending man replied "I  was just admiring your hair.  You know, you have to look after your hair, because if you don't look after your hair, it will all fall out, and you would have to wear a toupee, which would be a pity as you have a fine head of hair."  The bouncer was happy enough with this answer, and the three men ordered another round of beers.

Drinking the third beer, the last man took a quick squiz.  Within seconds, the huge bouncer is at the table, demanding "What are  you looking at?" to which the quick-thinking offending man replied "I  was just admiring your eyes.  You know, you have to look after your eyes, because if you don't look after your eyes, your sight will deteriorate and you will have to wear glasses, which would be impossible in your case because you've got no ears to hold them up with!"

***

(I can't believe I have read through the whole thread and no-one has mentioned this next ones)

What do you get when you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?
A wooly jumper.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
Holes all over Australia.

***

Oh, oh, oh - and

What is spotted and purple and has eight legs?
I don't know, but its crawling up your shoulder.

Edited by suziej, 13 April 2012 - 11:17 PM.


#99 Kay1

Posted 13 April 2012 - 11:23 PM

OMG DS1 is going to LOVE these!! laughing2.gif

Which word is spelled incorrectly in the dictionary? Incorrectly.

What is the last thing to go through a grasshopper's mind when he hits your windscreen? His bum.

What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter, he won't come anyway. original.gif

#100 suzy-c

Posted 13 April 2012 - 11:32 PM

More a cute kid story than a joke, but:

A toddler wanted to learn a knock knock joke, to tell the visitors. I suggested:

Knock knock
Who's there?
King
King who?
King Kong.

You have to start somewhere. Anyway, she went to the visitors and said:

Knock knock
(Who's there?)
KONG!
(Kong who?)
Kong Kong Kerdong-dong!!

There was much laughter, and she was very pleased with herself. I didn't think it was necessary to point out the error.




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