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Worried I can’t do this
44 replies to this topic
Posted 31 March 2020 - 01:55 AM
Please don’t quote.
I feel very alone with my tiny baby in lockdown. Our GP won’t see us, only phone appointments.
I feel down. I make mistakes. I can’t manage.
I know my mum would take better care of the baby than me. But it’s not realistic to ask her to take care of him because she is 65.
I love him and he is gorgeous. I’m just finding life very difficult. Should I just struggle along? I wanted a baby so much, but it has been so much harder than I ever expected and I haven’t been a good mum.
I feel like there is no help at the moment due to the virus. I want to go to a place where my baby will be looked after.
Posted 31 March 2020 - 02:29 AM
Having a baby right now must be so frightening, isolating and intimidating. It's those things on a normal regular day but now with the virus shutting everything down and social distancing it makes it so much worse.
I remember so clearly thinking my Mum would be so much better for DS than I would. She just seemed fo know stuff - conveniently forgetting she had 40 years experience behind her .
Think of motherhood like a job, would you expect the newby to understand the job as well as the person who's been there 30 or 40 years?
Do you know anyone with a similar aged baby? 3am texts with a friend saying WTF have we got ourselves into a lot saved my sanity. I wonder whether the Early childhood centres or maternity wards might be starting online mothers groups as I'm sure you aren't alone in feeling like this.
I hope you find some support.
Posted 31 March 2020 - 02:34 AM
I feel like I need to go somewhere residential where they’ll supervise and help me. But I guess there is no such place.
Posted 31 March 2020 - 02:37 AM
What state are you in?
There are residential services around.
Posted 31 March 2020 - 02:45 AM
Thanks. I’m in Sydney. I might give a sleep school a call. I assume they are all closed for the virus, but I’ll see if they can help.
Posted 31 March 2020 - 03:28 AM
Yes, get your thyroid checked if you can (in addition to all the good advice given in this thread.)
I didn't realise, but mine was shot to pieces after pregnancy and birth and I was very teary and exhausted. It was only picked up when DS was five months old. My GP was about to put me on an anti anxiety medication, but decided to do a blood test first. I've been on thyroid medication ever since.
Not saying this is the case, lockdown can be frightening enough, but good to rule everything out. All the best xo
Posted 31 March 2020 - 04:28 AM
Thanks Silverstreak. Is that a pregnancy effect or was the timing a coincidence?
Posted 31 March 2020 - 04:43 AM
Thanks Silverstreak. Is that a pregnancy effect or was the timing a coincidence?
Apparently it can happen due to pregnancy, where you can have an underactive or overactive thyroid after giving birth. I had no idea until it happened to me!
Posted 31 March 2020 - 04:54 AM
When new mums worry about not being good enough, they are absolutely good enough. Being a new mum is exhausting and caring for a baby is not easy. They don't come with a manual unfortunately.
For me, I was 15 months before "enough was enough" and I got some help for what turned out to be mild PND. I'm not sure whether whether it was something that built over time or whether it was always there and I could have got on it earlier.
Please share how you are feeling with your partner. Is it possible to focus on catching up on some rest/sleep with their help? I always found a direct relationship to how I was feeling to how exhausted I was. Being outside will help both of you as well, whether its a walk around the block or sitting on the grass.
Phone helplines can be found here and they may be able to refer you to further help
Posted 31 March 2020 - 05:22 AM
Ring Tresillian and tell them exactly what you’ve written here. Be really honest. I’m sure they will be able to help you.
And find another GP - Ours has set aside the morning for vaccinations and other preventive medicine and the afternoon for illness. There’s no reason to refuse to see you.
Posted 31 March 2020 - 02:44 PM
I went to my GP. They gave me an appointment because they felt sorry for me 🙁
There’s help out there, but it’s all online. No one to hold the baby for me.
Posted 31 March 2020 - 02:56 PM
Is your mum nearby?
If she is and you and you baby have been self isolating, I don’t think that it is unreasonable for you to go and visit your mum and just get a break from your baby.
(Unless your mum has other reasons to make her high risk)
I don’t know if they are still open, but can you call your local community nusre? Even if they can’t see you, they should be able to give you local places who can maybe help you out.
You are a good mum and I’m sure that you’re doing a great job! Trust me, we all feel like this at times and many of us, quite often too.
Posted 31 March 2020 - 02:59 PM
If you can go into isolation then you can have your mum over. That's what my sister (single mum) is doing, she's currently waiting out a 14 day iso period and then my mum 76 will all live in the same house. She had to stock up on 2 wks food then once she is with my mum they can all use the priority online shopping my mum gets due to age and illness.
Posted 31 March 2020 - 03:05 PM
Do you feed your baby, change it’s nappy, and cuddle your baby? If so, you are doing everything your baby needs. The hours with a small baby are long and lonely, but you will find endless support and company here. I hope your GP can help.
Posted 31 March 2020 - 03:06 PM
Chamomile, there needs to be help for you. The majority of people who don't have anything particular going on need to obey all the social rules, so that people who really need help, like you, can get it. there is room for that in the current situation.
Do you have a partner? Are they able to help much? Give you time out?
Or if you don't have a partner, yes it's time to get your mum in. Can she come and live with you for a while? You, your mum and your baby could be a household unit for as long as you need to. If you aren't seeing any other people and are following social distancing rules, there is no reason for there to be any risk to your mum. This sounds like a time when you and your baby really need your mum.
Posted 31 March 2020 - 06:45 PM
Chamomile I have a four month old baby and have really been struggling with not seeing my mum. She normally comes twice a week to help me. She’s asthmatic and in her early 70s so I worry about her with the virus so we haven’t been seeing each other. But we decided that as I’m not seeing anyone and she’s not seeing anyone we were going to see each other. I saw her today and feel so much better - and she missed the baby so much. We decided if we were both being incredibly careful than it was okay to see each other. We partly decided that because this is going to go on for a while and it’s just not reasonable for her not to see the baby for months. Could you talk to your mum and find a solution you feel comfortable with?
Posted 31 March 2020 - 07:09 PM
Look it sucks. It's totally normal for new mums to need their support network to help them in the early days. You're SUPPOSED to have family and friends around to help. Human beings are kinda designed that way. But because of this virus, you've found yourself in a situation were that isn't so possible and where the normal community resources are shut down or harder to access.
Most online counselling services are still running. Definitely try ringing. Even try ringing your GP because if you tell your GP anything that flags there is actually a problem, they will tell you how to get help.
And go easy on yourself. Parenting is NEVER perfect. Most of us muddle through. Sometimes better than others, other times spectacularly badly. Right now I suspect a lot of us are having a lot of the rather badly moments because we're being required to do things way beyond the norm and under a lot of stress and uncertainty. I'm in Sydney (Ryde area). If you're nearby feel free to contact me. I'll see if I can find out what's still open and I might even be able to take bub off your hands at some point. My household has been home and gone no where other than walks around the block for exactly one week, so in another week we're probably safe.
Posted 31 March 2020 - 07:11 PM
Guarantee you, your baby thinks you're an awesome Mum.
If you're both alive, you're absolutely doing a good enough job.
If your Mum is the only person the two of you are in close contact with, then it's fine for her to come over and help - you're part of the same "household". And in any case, if you need help, you need help - it's not like you're out partying every night and getting infected with CV.
It's OK to get help, even in the current circumstances - especially now, probably, since there's a lot of extra stress around.
Be kind to yourself.
Posted 31 March 2020 - 07:15 PM
Posting to say I remember how isolating a new baby was, and I wasn't in a bloody pandemic. Try not to be too hard on yourself. Sleep deprivation and the monotony of days is hard enough without this years anxious events.
I hope you are able to access some help. And there's some wonderful women on EB who can lend listening ears and support too even if online.
Posted 31 March 2020 - 07:23 PM
Oh you poor thing. You absolutely are a wonderful mum. Very self aware and loving your baby so much to know you need help. As other posters have said, talk to your mum about combining households. There are exceptions for compassionate and emergency care and this is you and bub right now.
I was a solo mum and lived with my mum for the first 6 months. I absolutely needed the support. It started day 2 after getting when my baby got some conjunctivitis and my mum found me sobbing that I'd broken him! I had five years of IVF and seven miscarriages to get this baby. He was absolutely so wanted. But relentless.
I hope you can sort something. Good luck. Keep posting so we can keep supporting you.
Posted 31 March 2020 - 07:30 PM
Chamomile do you have a trusted MCHN ?
If so you really need to go and see her and tell her what you've told us.
There are so many resources available that sometimes it takes someone like your MCHN to organise for you.
Wishing you every good luck, I am sure you are a wonderful mum but even wonderful mums need help sometimes.
Posted 31 March 2020 - 07:50 PM
Thanks all. My baby is 5 months.
I’ll think it over and see what I can do.
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