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Possible compulsive lying traits?


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#1 3frogs4u

Posted 19 February 2020 - 05:24 AM

My DD tells me Friday that another student had threatened her with an axe at sport because he got angry at losing. (Not questioning this part)
I emailed the yr advisor. She replied and told me to get my DD to see her on Monday to make a statement which i tell my daughter.
I asked my dd yesterday arvo if she reprted it to her yr advisor she told me she did and that someone was typing her statement and she was told this student would get suspended.
I emailed the yr advisor to ask about what happens when this student returns to school. She replied and said my daughter had never gone to see her.
I confronted my daughter her then began to say " i thought i did report it" then i asked her who she reported it to, where in the school was she when she reported.  She couldnt answer me. I then asked if she lied about reporting it. She said "i forgot"
I asked her if she lied why she started to make up specific details. She stood in silence.  
What do others do in this situation?
Im ready to get her head scanned and book her in to see a psychologist.  
I explained there is no way anyone would forget reporting an incident like this as its not a normal part of their day.
She still maintained " i think i did" and then in the same breath "i forgot"
I call bs on it all and now i dont know what to do.

#2 Tinkle Splashes

Posted 19 February 2020 - 05:30 AM

May I ask why you are not questioning the axe incident?

#3 doubledelight

Posted 19 February 2020 - 06:24 AM

I think you should get her evaluated.  Compulsive lying can often be linked with personality disorders.  If she can't get this sorted it will seriously impact her future relationships.

#4 born.a.girl

Posted 19 February 2020 - 06:29 AM

View PostTinkle Splashes, on 19 February 2020 - 05:30 AM, said:

May I ask why you are not questioning the axe incident?


That was my first thought.  A kid who's fibbed about the extent of a threat against them, or changed enough of the words to change the whole meaning, is going to stonewall about lack of having reported it.

#5 ~Jolly_F~

Posted 19 February 2020 - 06:36 AM

View PostTinkle Splashes, on 19 February 2020 - 05:30 AM, said:

May I ask why you are not questioning the axe incident?

I’m interested to know the answer to to this too.

If she was threatened I think you pressuring her about reporting it or not is making an already scary situation worse.

Besides that if the school knows, they should be coming to her to follow up, not expecting her to seek out someone.

Maybe she does need a psych but unless there are other issues bedsides this, to me it just sounds like a normal teen response to a situation.

#6 lozoodle

Posted 19 February 2020 - 06:50 AM

Are we sure the incident occurred as alleged? Could be why she's reluctant to report it?

#7 3frogs4u

Posted 19 February 2020 - 07:06 AM

Ive questioned her again this morning and made it clear now she has been caught lying about reporting it that i dont know or trust that the axe incident occured.
I have made it clear that once a lie is told and lies after that to cover the first one ppl tend to stop believing what you say altogether.
She has lied in the past all the way back to kindy and it would take 4hrs to get her to tell me the truth ( i knew she was lying because i would get messages from a parent at school) but those lies i thought were just your everyday lies ( about taking money to the canteen , sneaking lollies at night and leaving the wrappers in her room only for me to find them and she would stand there saying they werent hers)
I want to be clear i do not want this student at school getting in to trouble if its not true. Im really disappointed in my daughter she has never gotten away with lying so i dont know why she continues to do it

#8 TheGreenSheep

Posted 19 February 2020 - 07:10 AM

OP i think you need to provide the back story here. One incident does not make a liar, just a teenager, but in the context of other information or situations you may get more useful advice here.

#9 TheGreenSheep

Posted 19 February 2020 - 07:12 AM

We posted at the same time, I see your update OP, now it makes more sense.

#10 ~Jolly_F~

Posted 19 February 2020 - 07:15 AM

I think you need to stop focussing on the lying and get to the bottom of the axe incident first.

If you keep accusing her lying and she is being threatened, she is unlikely to come to you in the future when something significant is happening.

You need to separate the issues. The incident and the lying need to be dealt independent of each other. Once you have established if the incident occurred or not, then move onto the lying without accusing her of anything.

People lie to protect themselves especially kids, none of the lies you have listed are outside the realm the realm of normal. How do you get her to confess? Do you go on and on until she finally folds? What is the punishment for the lies? Looking at those things may show you why she continues to do so.

Edited by ~Jolly_F~, 19 February 2020 - 07:19 AM.


#11 ~LemonMyrtle~

Posted 19 February 2020 - 07:37 AM

Seems like she was lying cause she didn’t want to escalate the issue At school, and she was afraid you would force her to do that. Who knows.

As for compulsive lying, my BIL is what I would consider a compulsive liar. But unlike your daughter, he doesn’t lie about important things. He will lie about stupid things, all the time. Like what he has for dinner, where he went yesterday, what he does at work, how much he spent on a shirt, where he got his shoes from. He lies about everything, for no good reason. It’s so random we never know what’s true and what isn’t.

Based on your story, I wouldn’t put your daughter in the same category as my BIL. I’d say she is just a teenager working things out.


#12 Bam1

Posted 19 February 2020 - 08:32 AM

It may not even be a lie, my youngest DD came home with a similar story but by the time I spoke to her older sister the true story emerged which was only a minor incident that the teachers had already handled.  Not sure how or why she “escalated” it but not being a direct witness played a part.

But at the point I thought it was true, it was too serious (although not as serious as an axe) to be handled by a 9 yo and I was planning on ringing the school.

Your DD may have been overwhelmed didn't know how to approach a teacher but knew you would keep pressing her about it because it was an axe!

#13 robhat

Posted 19 February 2020 - 08:50 AM

Let me get this straight.

Your child tells you they were threatened with an axe at school, which you didn't think was a lie at the time, and you leave the child to deal with that themselves?

I raise my kids pretty independent. They are responsible for getting notes and handing them in and managing their own homework etc, but if my kid got threatened with an axe at school I'd personally be going into the school myself WITH my kid to talk to someone about it.

As for the lying.... It's hard to say because this is one incident. If you think your child is a compulsive liar and has an issue, you'd need to be seeing incidents like this quite often. I'd say there's a good chance that either the axe incident didn't happen and your child is trying to either get attention or get someone in trouble because she doesn't like them or is having issues with them OR the axe incident happened, maybe she's exaggerated it a bit and now doesn't want to report it because she thinks she'll look silly or maybe she's being seriously threatened and bullied and is terrified of repercussions, or a whole range of things. Who knows??? Were there any other kids involved who saw or heard the threat?

Personally, I'd go chat to the year adviser yourself. Make it perfectly clear that you have no idea if your child is lying or not, but given the seriousness of the axe threat incident you feel it's necessary to work out what is going on and take it from there. If nothing else, I'd want to know what the hell an axe is doing on school grounds while they are playing sport???

#14 #notallcats

Posted 19 February 2020 - 08:53 AM

How old is your daughter?  If it was a serious threat, it may be something she was unsure or uncomfortable reporting herself.

Was she aware you were emailing the school?  Perhaps she thought you escalated the situation further than she wanted.  

I am in no way condoning threats of violence but it's possible the kid said it in non-serious way eg if we lose again I'm going to chop everyone's head off with an axe!  Completely inappropriate but probably not worthy of making a statement and a report.  So then you report, she has doubts, but you're bugging her about it, so she makes something up.

#15 Dadto2

Posted 19 February 2020 - 09:06 AM

View Postrobhat, on 19 February 2020 - 08:50 AM, said:

Let me get this straight.

Your child tells you they were threatened with an axe at school, which you didn't think was a lie at the time, and you leave the child to deal with that themselves?



I think OP's nonchalant response to her daughter's claims she was threatened with an axe suggests she probably thought it was somewhat embellished considering her daughters history of lying-  boy that cry wolf and all that. So I can understand her lack of concern. And as #notallcats said, perhaps Mum got the impression the incident wasn't serious.

#16 seayork2002

Posted 19 February 2020 - 09:09 AM

If there was an axe at school I would be calling the police as well as the school, then letting them deal with it with support for my child.

Has it been confirmed the reported event occurred from the school?

#17 Dadto2

Posted 19 February 2020 - 09:10 AM

When you say threatened with an axe, did the child actually have an axe with them? No axe then it's a bit of a meaningless threat. Kids say crap like this all the time. When I was in primary school some kid had a Dad in the army and he would continually threaten to bring in his Dad's bazooka so he could shoot us with it..

Edited by Dadto2, 19 February 2020 - 12:15 PM.


#18 StoneFoxArrow

Posted 19 February 2020 - 09:38 AM

View Post3frogs4u, on 19 February 2020 - 07:06 AM, said:

Ive questioned her again this morning and made it clear now she has been caught lying about reporting it that i dont know or trust that the axe incident occured.
I have made it clear that once a lie is told and lies after that to cover the first one ppl tend to stop believing what you say altogether.
She has lied in the past all the way back to kindy and it would take 4hrs to get her to tell me the truth ( i knew she was lying because i would get messages from a parent at school) but those lies i thought were just your everyday lies ( about taking money to the canteen , sneaking lollies at night and leaving the wrappers in her room only for me to find them and she would stand there saying they werent hers)
I want to be clear i do not want this student at school getting in to trouble if its not true. Im really disappointed in my daughter she has never gotten away with lying so i dont know why she continues to do it

OP I was a compulsive liar as a child (it started quite young, like your daughter). I had a mostly normal childhood, with some difficulties, but now in my 30's have been diagnosed with a personality disorder.

As part of therapy for my mental illness, I've learnt that some people are born with a genetic predisposition to impulsivity. I suspect I was one of those children. So while I wouldn't start overthinking things, I would try to consider this in amongst other behaviours she might exhibit and potentially start getting her some help now.

#19 wallofdodo

Posted 19 February 2020 - 09:47 AM

I see the lying about reporting as covering up. The axe story is probably embellished (a student with an axe at school, wouldn't it go into shutdown) and she doesn't want to draw attention to it so she lied about reporting it to get you off her back. Little did she know you are following up.

I would be concerned with all of this, but may take a different tact with the lying.

#20 EsmeLennox

Posted 19 February 2020 - 11:00 AM

I seriously doubt that a teacher would miss seeing one child threaten another child with an axe during a sport lesson...so my guess is that, if true, the other kid made some statement about an axe vs there actually being an axe at school.

You’ve raised it with the school, OP, what was the year coordinator’s response? Whether the report has come directly from your child or in a round about way from you, it warrants following up by the school. I’d have thought they’d speak to your DD at the very least.

My bet is that the axe part is untrue, there may have been an exchange between your DD and another kid but perhaps your DD didn’t quite communicate it to you verbatim.

It sounds to me like the kind of exaggeration/embellishment  pre-teens and young teens can be prone to. I’d have a chat to her about it, in a non-accusatory way. Talk about the fact that sometimes stories get embellished, but that this can also have serious consequences. I would not punish. You want her to feel supported, not hung out to dry on this one, because she has to be able to trust that you’ve got her back if she ever needs to come to you with something in future.

My guess is you reacted in a way your DD didn’t expect and then she just hoped you’d forget about it and it would blow over... hence not going to the year coordinator, except you didn’t.

I doubt she is a compulsive liar... most teens go through this exaggeration/embellishment phase.

#21 MadMarchMasterchef

Posted 19 February 2020 - 11:28 AM

View PostDadto2, on 19 February 2020 - 09:10 AM, said:

When you say threatened with an axe, did the child actually have an axe with them? No axe then it's a bit of a meaningless threat. Kids say crap like this all the time. When I was in primary school some kid had a Dad in the army and would continually threaten to bring in his Dad's bazooka so he could shoot us with it..

That sounds like a likely explanation. Which is not to say it wouldnt be very scary if the other kid sounded like they meant it!

#22 Prancer is coming

Posted 19 February 2020 - 12:22 PM

This to me sounds like she did not want to report the issue so lied to you to so you would not hassle her.  On its own, does not sound like a big deal to me.  i have a teen who lies, so maybe this is why my concern is lower!

She does have some girls at school that give her a hard time and she often does not want to report it, but this is about  not wanting to make a big deal out of it/make it worse/she feels she is handling it, rather than making it up.

i don’t think I would call my DD a compulsive liar, but she does lie sometimes.  Usually to get herself further ahead.  We do lots of reminding about being truthful, and that others often know she is lying and it changes their view of her, and she has also been blamed for things that had nothing to do with her.  After a particularly bad patch a few years ago I did tell her I would need to get her to see someone if it kept happening as I could not manage it and she has been reasonable ever since.

l do sometimes wonder if DD actually believes it when she tells me a pack of lies.  She is good with words and acting, so I think it is her way of digging herself out of a hole or like she is convincing herself she behaved appropriate.  I usually pick to shreds whatever she is saying and work on her rephrasing.

Food for thought re personality disorder, hope nothing else is going on.

Edited by Prancer is coming, 19 February 2020 - 12:24 PM.


#23 Dianalynch

Posted 19 February 2020 - 12:43 PM

sometimes when people feel backed into a corner they lie to get out of it - maybe that's your daughter? she could have felt for whatever reason that the incident wasn't worth reporting, then she knew she'd get in trouble from you if she didn't, so she lied? i don't know but from your post i'd say try listening and understanding more - without making any comment or judgement on what she's saying.

#24 Dadto2

Posted 19 February 2020 - 01:12 PM

View Post3frogs4u, on 19 February 2020 - 05:24 AM, said:

My DD tells me Friday that another student had threatened her with an axe at sport because he got angry at losing.

Exasperated teachers at their wits end with dysfunctional pupils are now arming them and encouraging them to engage in a hunger games style fight to the death. Schools have responded to the scathing criticism with reports that pupils are now getting much more exercise and disillusioned teachers are being entertained at no cost to the state. This has significantly helped with morale.

Edited by Dadto2, 19 February 2020 - 01:14 PM.


#25 Ivy Ivy

Posted 19 February 2020 - 06:05 PM

View Post~LemonMyrtle~, on 19 February 2020 - 07:37 AM, said:

Seems like she was lying cause she didn’t want to escalate the issue At school, and she was afraid you would force her to do that. Who knows.

As for compulsive lying, my BIL is what I would consider a compulsive liar. But unlike your daughter, he doesn’t lie about important things. He will lie about stupid things, all the time. Like what he has for dinner, where he went yesterday, what he does at work, how much he spent on a shirt, where he got his shoes from. He lies about everything, for no good reason. It’s so random we never know what’s true and what isn’t.

Based on your story, I wouldn’t put your daughter in the same category as my BIL. I’d say she is just a teenager working things out.

LemonMyrtle, can I ask how this affected your relationship with your brother in law, your feelings for him, and thoughts about his conversation?
I ask because I've experienced similar with someone lying about inane crap for no clear reason other than "better keep talking even without or at the expense of thinking", and am curious re whether my response to the person is a common one.




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