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4yo and meltdowns


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#1 StillDreaming

Posted 12 January 2020 - 01:54 PM

Wondering if anyone has any advice for dealing with swearing from a 4yo during meltdowns? Ds knows the words are inappropriate and uses them only when super angry and is struggling for ways to deal with this. We’ve talked about and practised other strategies eg punching a pillow, when he’s really angry but he hasn’t been able to remember to do this mid meltdown. I think things are worse at the moment due to change in routines but it was also happening pre holidays when he was following a normal routine. He screams at me and tells me he hates me/doesn’t want to see me but I know he wants me to stay nearby. I try and say things like ‘I can see you’re angry because xyz. It makes me angry too when I ...’ but there’s no point trying to do this when he’s in the midst of yelling and lashing out.

Any success stories would be greatly appreciated! I know that at this age they’re learning to deal with big emotions. I just can’t have the swearing happening the way it is because it was from other kids doing it that ds learnt the words he knows and I would hate for others to learn the words from him next.

#2 José

Posted 12 January 2020 - 02:05 PM

I really like the books by dan siegel and time payne Bryson.

Dan Siegel has coined the phrase 'flipped your lid'
Are you familiar with that?
If not Google it.
When your child is in meltdown mode or has flipped their lid there isn't much to do other than keep everyone safe. At this point they can't remember their strategies and have limited capacity to.follow any instructions.
You really need to try to identify triggers for meltdowns and then.plan ahead and implement strategies as things are escalating but before meltdown.
There's a kid friendly clip re flipping your lid by Jeanette Yoffre.  It will come up if you google it.
I also like the Elmo song belly breathing- also google it.

#3 Feral-as-Meggs

Posted 12 January 2020 - 02:34 PM

http://csefel.vander...uckerturtle.ppt

This worked with my son at that age.

#4 lizzzard

Posted 12 January 2020 - 04:00 PM

The best advice I have is the remember that its a stage and it will pass. Honestly, I think I did more harm in trying to ‘manage’ this kind of thing than would have been caused by just calmly riding it out for a year. This might be specific to DS but trying to minimise/prevent his expression of frustration was pretty damaging. That probably makes me sound like a bit of a ‘new age’ parent and I’m really not.... but I learned some hard lessons so just trying to share that perspective in case it’s useful :)

#5 Gruffalo's Child

Posted 12 January 2020 - 05:57 PM

If he’s having a meltdown he won’t have the ability to control how he is acting during it, so your best strategy would be trying to identify what triggers the meltdowns so you can avoid them as much as possible and to help him recognize the emotions he experiences leading up to a meltdown.

  
A really great book is Ross Greene’s ‘The Explosive Child’.  He also has a website which is helpful.    https://www.livesint...lance.org/about

#6 Chaotic Pogo

Posted 12 January 2020 - 07:33 PM

Another vote for The Explosive Child
Brilliant

#7 countrychic29

Posted 12 January 2020 - 08:39 PM

Thanks OP, this is helpful for me too.
Our 4yr old slapped me across the face tonight - tired yes, allergies (hayfever) as well-  acceptable NO
We just don’t know what to do with her - she completely flips and is not nice to be around will attack myself, DH and her sister when in a foul mood and angry. Threatens to ruin things - punch us in face etc - it’s extreme
We have tried the ‘ we understand you are ....’ the let’s take some deep breaths - last night she was being disrespectful so I warned her I would throw her toy in the bin, followed through after more warnings and as it went in the bin she said I don’t like that toy anyway
Yet...no behavioural issues at kinder - kind and friendly and minimal back chat!

Will look up the books recommended!

#8 StillDreaming

Posted 13 January 2020 - 01:09 PM

Thanks everyone. I really hope it’s a phase because it’s exhausting.
Jose, we watched the clip you posted the link for. It was really good. I’ve also looked at the book ‘The Explosive Child’. Currently reading the sample before I buy it. I have other books that I should also read but I really struggle to find the time.

Ds and I are on our own for the most part but he’s currently spending more time back and forth between his dads so routine is really out of whack.

Will look at going to see a counsellor if things don’t settle once we’re back in a normal routine and see if his outbursts are in the realm of ‘normal’ for a 4yo.

#9 José

Posted 13 January 2020 - 02:52 PM

 StillDreaming, on 13 January 2020 - 01:09 PM, said:

Thanks everyone. I really hope it’s a phase because it’s exhausting.
Jose, we watched the clip you posted the link for. It was really good. I’ve also looked at the book ‘The Explosive Child’. Currently reading the sample before I buy it. I have other books that I should also read but I really struggle to find the time.

Ds and I are on our own for the most part but he’s currently spending more time back and forth between his dads so routine is really out of whack.

Will look at going to see a counsellor if things don’t settle once we’re back in a normal routine and see if his outbursts are in the realm of ‘normal’ for a 4yo.

I didnt post a link but i hope you found something i wrote helpful!
I like RossGreene's approach as others have mentioned. Ive bought the explosive child but not got around to reading it. Ross is doing some workshops in australia again this year. You could try getting along to one. The website for the workshops is social thinking australia.
A psychologist is also a good idea if you think you need some support.

#10 StillDreaming

Posted 13 January 2020 - 03:42 PM

 José, on 13 January 2020 - 02:52 PM, said:



I didnt post a link but i hope you found something i wrote helpful!
I like RossGreene's approach as others have mentioned. Ive bought the explosive child but not got around to reading it. Ross is doing some workshops in australia again this year. You could try getting along to one. The website for the workshops is social thinking australia.
A psychologist is also a good idea if you think you need some support.

Sorry! It was the Jeanette Yoffe video we watched. It was also helpful when you spoke about waiting it out and making sure everyone is safe because that’s basically what I’ve started doing as there’s nothing I can seem to do. The meltdowns seem to last ages but in reality it’s probably only 5 minutes. Feels like an eternity though and I hate that I have no idea what triggers him because it can be over what seems to be the most minor of things but there must be more to it.

#11 José

Posted 13 January 2020 - 04:34 PM

 StillDreaming, on 13 January 2020 - 03:42 PM, said:



Sorry! It was the Jeanette Yoffe video we watched. It was also helpful when you spoke about waiting it out and making sure everyone is safe because that’s basically what I’ve started doing as there’s nothing I can seem to do. The meltdowns seem to last ages but in reality it’s probably only 5 minutes. Feels like an eternity though and I hate that I have no idea what triggers him because it can be over what seems to be the most minor of things but there must be more to it.

Im glad you liked the clip!
If you google dan siegel and.flipped your lid you will get an explanation more for adults than the Jeanette Yoffre one.
The ross Greene stuff can help with identifying triggers.
Ross says an 'incompatibility episode' *meltdown.  Will occur when a child doesn't have the skills to meet an expectation.  He has a thing he calls an ALSUP (assessment of lagging skills and unsolved problems) that is designed to help identify triggers. (expectations that the child can't meet) he says you should only be surprised by a trigger once. After that it is predictable and.therefore you can plan for it/ around it.
He advocates using this approach with young children. - as well as older children.
For me I think its the philosophy that i like - his catch phrase is 'kids do well if they can'
NOT kids do well.if they get a sticker and NOT the kid is choosing to be a PITA.





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