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Importance on friendships

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#1 IamtheMumma

Posted 08 November 2019 - 10:13 AM

DS is 5 and starts Prep next year (FYOS). At kindy, he's made two friends and he wants to go to school with them next year. He has never made friends before. He's a social butterfly and well liked at kindy and childcare but he's never clicked with other kids before. These 3 boys have clicked.

I've got some decisions to make for our future. Going to the same school to keep the boys together will have a significant financial impact on my life (renting in the catchment area). I don't know how much importance I should factor into the decision making process. I want him to be happy but I know he'd make friends elsewhere if it came to that.

#2 seayork2002

Posted 08 November 2019 - 10:17 AM

I just left DS to work it all out for himself, he has a small group of main friends, complains he plays with no one then 20mins after that mentions all the kids he played with that day and what they did, mostly of the group but with a mix of a bigger group then the cycle continues.

We have moved a lot but he has managed to stay at the same school, we would have no problems if we had to move schools if he had to he would.

#3 BusbyWilkes

Posted 08 November 2019 - 10:22 AM

Try not to overthink it. He's 5. There will be many friends who come and go through his life. Send him to the school you planned on, and then arrange after school/weekend catchups with old friends (at least initially). It's great for kids to have a wider selection of friends eg school, old school, sporting group. He will also be happier with a mum who is not financially stretched.

#4 CallMeFeral

Posted 08 November 2019 - 10:22 AM

Honestly, if it were toss of a coin I'd go where the friends were, but if there is a financial impact and you'd have to move house, I would not factor it in at all. It would be a shame to lose them, but you could always make the effort to have regular playdates and while that increases the chance they could grow apart, that could happen in school together too.

I think at 5 is the age they start getting better at making friends, so it may not be so much these boys but the age he's getting to. And he should be able to do that at school too.

#5 Squeekums The Elf

Posted 08 November 2019 - 10:24 AM

Would not factor it in at all
All the kids who dd was friends with at 5, we dont even speak to now
We moved, they moved, lost contact.
Even if we all stayed, who to say the friendships wont run their course by yr 2?

Id go with school you like and try keep in contact with these boys parents

#6 lozoodle

Posted 08 November 2019 - 10:28 AM

He's 5, chances are he wont even remember his daycare friends in a year's time.


Posted 08 November 2019 - 10:30 AM

Yep, how would you feel if you moved so that he could stay with his friends only to find that 3 months later, he now has different friends.  I found with my kids, although they would occasionally play with old friends and always say hi etc., they rarely had the same close friends by midway through the first year.

#8 seayork2002

Posted 08 November 2019 - 10:31 AM

sorry my fault but I read your OP as a future thought thing - yes I would move him with no issue at all

#9 BornToLove

Posted 08 November 2019 - 10:35 AM

As mentioned in another post, DD didn’t attend a feeder kinder before moving to FYOS.

To be honest, having friends at school would have been great for the first few weeks, but by the end of term 1, it didn’t really matter. We made it a point to connect with other families and arrange play dates to help DD foster new friendships. I think doing that helped DD adjust quickly and settle in to new friend groups.

#10 melanieb530

Posted 08 November 2019 - 10:43 AM

How many of your friends from when you were 5 years old can you recall and do you still see them today?

Friendships can change in a matter of months at that age.

#11 Fluffy Potatoes

Posted 08 November 2019 - 10:45 AM

Unless you want to/have to move I wouldn’t purely based on preschool friends. Friendships at that age are fluid and there’s no guarantee those children will be in that school long term.

#12 Ozquoll

Posted 08 November 2019 - 10:52 AM

My 6yo DS with ASD had two friends at kindy/pre-school. One of them attends the same primary school, which possibly was helpful for the first few weeks of FYOS, but I'm not sure if they even speak now . No way would I change school arrangements based on 5yo friendship groups.

#13 zeldazonk

Posted 08 November 2019 - 11:02 AM

My daughter started school without knowing any of the other kids. She only met a few briefly at the transition sessions.

Since starting she has made so many friends. She has to pick 4 friends she wants in her class next year, and her list is 20 + kids long! I found that by not knowing anyone she didn't stick with the friends she came with, instead she made a really large group of new friends.

We chose the school most convenient for us and best suited to her. I wouldn't make the choice based on current friends.

Edited by zeldazonk, 09 November 2019 - 06:46 AM.

#14 chicken_bits

Posted 08 November 2019 - 11:10 AM

I'm confused. My son is starting FYOS next year too and we're already half way through the orientation/transition program.

Have you not enrolled your child in school yet?

Either way, I wouldn't be moving house and starting school in the space of a couple of months if he's a kid who struggles with new situations.

There will be plenty of new kids to make friendships with. You can always organise playdates with his existing friends during the school holidays if you feel it's important.

#15 Rowenas necklace

Posted 08 November 2019 - 11:14 AM

I wouldn't take the friends into account in those circumstances. I think 5 is a good age to change as they are young and adaptable. DD didn't make close friends until the same age, changed schools this year and has made more friends.

You can organise weekend and holiday plays with those boys, friendships can be maintained with kids at different schools.

The only thing I'd question is that where I am, once the kids are enrolled in year one they can continue at the school even if they move out of area.

If that school is your preference for more reasons than just the friends that will be going there, then could you stay in the catchment area and then move to a lower cost area that's not too far away and still have him attend that school?

#16 lizzzard

Posted 08 November 2019 - 11:16 AM

I tend to think it’s more important for kids of that age to learn how to make new friends. You will find kids come and go as families relocate on the basis of various factors - rarely their children’s friendships! So it’s better to equip then to deal with this when it i inevitably happens.

#17 luke's mummu

Posted 08 November 2019 - 11:25 AM

I had the same situation with DS1. We decided to send him to our local school, and arrange catchups and play soccer with his 2 best friends in preschool. We also drive him to scouts out of area to see the other friend. He’s now 14 and still sees 1 regularly.

#18 TheGreenSheep

Posted 08 November 2019 - 11:25 AM

OP its a well meaning idea to move to accommodate your DSs friendships, but its an extreme and costly choice to maintain friendships with two children. Theyre five and your DS will make new friends.

Our DSs have friends from other daycares/kinders primary and high schools as they have grown up. We maintain them outside of school setting with sporting groups and catch ups, sleepovers and get togethers for birthdays etc.It has widened their friendships circles a lot.

#19 AnythingGoes

Posted 08 November 2019 - 11:31 AM

DS didn't have any friends at school  (childcare friends went to differenr schools). He was a bit nervous but I reminded him he didn't know his current friends 1-2 years ago either and he would make nee friends.

I also didn't make any efforts re playdates etc and he worked it out. I think schools are pretty good at helping them settle and form friendships.

#20 Future-self

Posted 08 November 2019 - 11:32 AM

I don’t take my son’s friendships and social abilities lightly but even so, moving house and putting your whole entire families finances under pressure would not have even occurred to me.

My DS had a best friend in childcare from aged 2.5 to 4. It was the first close friend he’d ever made. They went on then to different Kindys and then different schools. It never occurred to either family to change our plans because of their friendship! Instead we catch up a couple of times a year for a day of play and lunch and they still go to each other’s birthday parties each year (at their own instigation when putting together invited lists).

It is great for kids to have friendships from different areas of their lives not just “school” and you can achieve that with having them over to play and parties. Heck of a less effort than moving house!

#21 MadMarchMasterchef

Posted 08 November 2019 - 11:39 AM

Long term Id suggest sending him to the school that suits him best. Which group of peers will he fit in with better?  Will he prefer a bigger school or a smaller one?

If you are struggling financially to stay at the school he might not fit in with that respect anyway.

I would consider things like student to teacher ratio as well.

#22 Wahwah

Posted 08 November 2019 - 12:17 PM

My DS went to school with his 3 best buddies from kinder. By the time they were in Grade 2, he had stopped hanging out with two of them. Their interests diverged completely. They don't even acknowledge each other now (because teenage boys are grunts) even though they share classes at high school.

He has another friend from daycare. They're now 14, and have been friends for 11 years even though they never went to school together. That friendship has been strong enough to survive not going to the same school.

You can't predict the direction friendships will go in when kids are that little. So I say do what's best for your whole family and your finances. Your son will find new friends wherever he goes to school.

#23 Oriental lily

Posted 08 November 2019 - 12:41 PM

When my second DD was at preschool she was very close too a particular friend . Her mum contacted me and asked me what school she was attending and she sent her daughter to our choice . They ended up in the same class .

Then a week in to the school year the principal called both sets of parents in to discuss separating them because their behaviour together was rotten . My daughter was chosen to go to a different class .
It was disruptive . She loved her teacher and needed to settle in to a new class .

She developed some reluctance and anxiety about her new class that eventually passed but deffinetly was not the best way to start school life .

Her friendship with that particular friend quickly fizzed out .

In grade 5 now that old friend is once again in her class and they barely talk . Totally different friendship groups .

I really wouldn’t put any emphasis at all In friends at this age at all . Very low in my priority list .

#24 laridae

Posted 08 November 2019 - 12:44 PM

I wouldn't even consider moving to send my kids to school with their friends at age 5. He'll make new ones.
Odds are one or more of the friends will move away anyway, then you'll be left at the school without them.
My kids tend to change friends each year as they reshuffle the classes.

#25 hills mum bec

Posted 08 November 2019 - 12:45 PM

The preschool friendships of my kids did not factor into my school choice at all.  Both of my girls started school not knowing anybody and leaving their preschool friendships behind, they both quickly made new friends.

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