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SD wants teen friend to move in.


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#1 Nosmas

Posted 07 November 2019 - 09:25 AM

My household is DP and myself together for 3.5 years leaving together for 2.5 years.  We have his DD17 (year 11) and my DS 16.  The 17 year old wants her friend (also 17 (finishing year 12)) to move in with us for a year as her step dad is 'mean' and the friend she has been living with for 3 months needs the room for relative.  She is willing to pay $50 board/rent.  I have indicated to my partner that I am not in favour and he agreed as we don't want to take on parenting another teen and it will change the dynamics of the house.  Plus she has a friend with benefits who is in his 40s.
However, my partner has a hard time in saying no to his daughter especially as she repeatedly asks.  Now she is asking for her to move in just for the month of December.  I feel horrid but I still say no.  Then it becomes a whole SD versus Step mum thing etc.
I have advised partner to contact this girls mum and talk to her about what is going on exactly (the girls father is unknown.)

Any advice?

#2 raejt

Posted 07 November 2019 - 09:33 AM

I was the 16 year old who couldn't live at home due to parental issues. I'm eternally grateful for my friend's family who took me in so I could finish school. I would certainly speak with mum to get her version of events but I wouldn't diamiss the idea of having her move in. You could change her life.

#3 Team Awesome

Posted 07 November 2019 - 09:38 AM

I was that friend except it was my mother. Mean is usually downplaying. I told people we didn’t get along. A friend was kind enough to help for a few months when I was 16. Unfortunately my mother smeared the father as apparently they don’t help unless sexually interested and made out like I was being a brat so it meant I had to move home.

I nearly brought home a local checkout girl home when I discovered her father was being abusive until I knew she had a place to go. My DH was shocked as it’s very unlike me to adopt people. I just knew though

Just noticed the FWB comment I think you mean she is a groomed child who has likely been abused for years.

Edited by Team Awesome, 07 November 2019 - 09:41 AM.


#4 MarciaB

Posted 07 November 2019 - 09:38 AM

It would be a no from me - but I would feel awful saying it too - what a difficult position for you.

I know the 17 yo friend may well need a safe place to live, but I personally wouldn't be prepared to take on another teenager with 2 teens in the house already.

If you didn't have your younger teen there - I might think about it.  I would also do it for a relative.

We are just too busy in the house to take on the extra responsibility of a teen.

That sounds harsh - but I just wouldn't be up for it.

Could you perhaps allow her to stay 1 night a week or on weekends as a compromise?

#5 Lunafreya

Posted 07 November 2019 - 09:40 AM

I wish I had someone like this when I was a teen.

I’d consider taking her in, I’d offer to sit down with the friend, see what she is like and to maybe get a measure of expectations between all parties.

#6 Wot*A*Lot*Of_____

Posted 07 November 2019 - 09:53 AM

Our kids know that if they have a friend who needs a place to stay, then they are welcome. They do however need to follow basic rules, and they need to call home and let their family know they are okay.
If that is too difficult for whatever reason, then they know I will let the police know where they are and that they are okay.

That said, we have been married for almost 30yrs so the family politics doesn’t come into play.

#7 wilding

Posted 07 November 2019 - 09:55 AM

View Postraejt, on 07 November 2019 - 09:33 AM, said:

I was the 16 year old who couldn't live at home due to parental issues. I'm eternally grateful for my friend's family who took me in so I could finish school. I would certainly speak with mum to get her version of events but I wouldn't diamiss the idea of having her move in. You could change her life.

That was me. To everyone including the police he was the good guy and I was just the bad mouth bratty teen. I didn't have anyone willing to take me in though.

#8 Apageintime

Posted 07 November 2019 - 09:58 AM

I was the teen.

No-one was willing to let me stay with them.

the awful situations I was in just to get a roof over my head and away from my awful mother were extreme.

I would do it, I'd put rules in place and start it as a trial for a month.

I'd talk to the mother, but maybe take what she says with a grain of salt. I'd also see if the school would talk to you and see if they can put some additional supports in place for her too.

#9 Tokra

Posted 07 November 2019 - 10:04 AM

I think you need more information on what 'mean' actually means to the friend.

I have a 17 year old staying with me at the moment (and if you have read my thread in relationships, you'll know that my 15 year old son has moved out), but he is here due to family violence. He's about to finish year 12.

I am not 'parenting' him as such. I don't tell him what to do or when to go to bed. I cook his dinner and that is it. He is responsible for his clothes and looking after himself. I guide him where he needs it and help him with practical things.

Ultimately it is yours and your DH's decisions, but you have to be on the same page. If you are not on the same page then the answer has to be no.

#10 Gonzy

Posted 07 November 2019 - 10:05 AM

My parents, despite having 6 kids of their own, were the ones allowing our friends to move in if needed.  They turned a lot of my friends lives around and gave them the value of a stable family unit.

I would do it for my sons' friends if needed.  There would be rules and I would expect them to accept that my expectations would be the same of what they are of my children - school, jobs, household contributions, respect etc etc.  But yes, knowing how life changing it can be, I would be open to the idea.

OP, I think if possible I would be trying to get a bit more info on the friends situation so you can fully understand what it is she may be trying to escape from.

#11 Prancer is coming

Posted 07 November 2019 - 10:15 AM

Given the friend has been out of home for a while, are they on Centrelink unreasonable to live at home payment?  If yes, I would think there were reasons not to be at home and would be reluctant to contact the parent without knowing more about what mean means.  If they weren’t, i absolutely would want to talk to the family and would not be keen to take her in if the family were trying to get her home or if there were concerns about dodgy behaviour that might place you and your family at risk.

If you were to do it, definitely trial it and have rules in place.  If she has a Centrelink income, $50 seems a bit too cheap.  I would want to detail what board includes-is it just a roof, or food, internet, school costs act.

What you could also do is assist with longer term options.  Get her into Centrelink around payments if she has not already.  Contact youth services that can help with housing.  Talk to the school re options they might know about for accommodating students.

#12 Ivy Ivy

Posted 07 November 2019 - 10:27 AM

I probably wouldn't do it; mainly because I haven't the bandwidth to spend on parenting a teenager in a difficult, high-needs situation with at-risk behaviours and likely acting out (like having a sexual relationship with a man in his 40's), but also because it will strain the family dynamic, and I would want to prioritise my child/children.  I'd also be v worried about this disturbed 17 y o modelling bad behaviour and suboptimal connections for my child.  I think it likely the 17 y o is being taken advantage of by the 40 y o man and has possibly been groomed previously when under 16, and I just wouldn't want my own kids exposed to that or adults who do that, as they invariably will, if the 17 y o lived with them.

I might offer to help the 17 y o wrt services etc.

As the adult woman in the house, you're the one more statistically likely to be doing the grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, practical wrangling, and emotional work of parenting the 17 y old, and dealing with the resultant psychological and behavioural fallout in the 2 kids you already have at home, so I think it's actually primarily your decision, not your partners, unless the usual gender roles are otherwise in your home.

#13 IamzFeralz

Posted 07 November 2019 - 10:30 AM

I would consider it if it was my teen DD who was trying to assist a friend.  Mainly because DD generally has her head screwed on, doesn’t suffer fools gladly and so if she proposed an arrangement like that I would take her judgment quite seriously.

My dad was an abused child and the community of neighbouring aunts used to take him in.  He was otherwise going to the rain forest interior of his country to get away from his father.  Society isn’t built like that anymore however.

#14 SelceLisbeth

Posted 07 November 2019 - 10:39 AM

I would consider it with strict rules in place, especially that this man does not enter the home and with clear consequences of being unable to stay if there is a breach.

Like a few PP's I was this teen, but younger. I was 15. My BF was 23. No one would put me up. I lived on the streets and engaged in very risky behaviour for nearly six months. Spending time with a functional loving family would have made a big difference to me. I wasnt interested in bringing bad habits into a family home, I made bad choices because no one cared and I was desperate for someone to step in. No one did.

If you can help, please consider it.

#15 james_c

Posted 07 November 2019 - 10:47 AM

Could you meet with this girl in a neutral place (cafe or such)?and have a chat with her, making it clear that it is not you accepting for her to move in, just getting the opportunity to better understand the situation, and what rules she would be willing to comply with (like no way that 40 y o creep steps a foot within 100 meters of your place!).
It could be life changing for her. I had a friend in this kind of situation when I was 16, her life took a turn for the worst in the following 3-4 years. I often wonder how different it could have been if some adults had stepped in and tried to do something.

#16 aprilrainatxmas

Posted 07 November 2019 - 10:52 AM

I know I wouldn't after seeing how much influence a friend can have on my own children as they stand up for their inappropriate behaviour.  One of my daughters friends has a Mum and Stepdad who are on and off ICE, Mum has always prostituted herself. D is only 13 but has been in various sexual relationships with other teens already and tried grooming a friend's D when she took her in. The Dept Child Services pressured her to take her in. It has been a nightmare for all involved for several years though.

I would though try to engage her with professionals who can help and offer my support in other ways.

It would, of course depend on the relationship you already have or could see developing with the child. Someone mature and easy to get on with, fine. It could be great for all of you.

#17 Beancat

Posted 07 November 2019 - 10:52 AM

I would consider it,....for a trial month until the end of December - let them finish year 12 and spend Christmas with a stable family unit

It think its amazing this young person has managed to stay at school while out of home.

One condition  - no boyfriends, FWB - none of them at all - its your house and you are offering a roof for the teen - not any tag alongs

Is there a chance the person has been asked to leave home by the parents because they do not support the r/s with the 40 year old?

#18 aprilrainatxmas

Posted 07 November 2019 - 11:00 AM

I know I wouldn't after seeing how much influence a friend can have on my own children as they stand up for their inappropriate behaviour.  One of my daughters friends has a Mum and Stepdad who are on and off ICE, Mum has always prostituted herself. D is only 13 but has been in various sexual relationships with other teens already and tried grooming a friend's D when she took her in. The Dept Child Services pressured her to take her in. It has been a nightmare for all involved for several years though.

I would though try to engage her with professionals who can help and offer my support in other ways.

It would, of course depend on the relationship you already have or could see developing with the child. Someone mature and easy to get on with, fine. It could be great for all of you.

#19 Mollycoddle

Posted 07 November 2019 - 11:10 AM

View PostTeam Awesome, on 07 November 2019 - 09:38 AM, said:

I was that friend except it was my mother. Mean is usually downplaying. I told people we didn’t get along.

I'm not so sure about that.  I've worked in youth crisis accommodation services for almost 20 years and we get plenty through where the definition of 'mean' is that Mum and Dad want some basic respect and contribution to the household and because the kid doesn't like the rules they want out.  Many return home once they realise it's not so bad there after all.  Prancer has a very good point - if they are on that particular Centrelink payment it means Centrelink have done the assessment about whether they can be living at home or not which you can usually rely on.

And even if it's legit doesn't mean you need to be the one to take them in OP, especially if it's going to cause more stress for you (I'd be with you on that one).  There are services for that and you can help them look into and access these, the school should also have some sort of welfare or support staff to cover this.  I would start with that.

Edited by Mollycoddle, 07 November 2019 - 11:12 AM.


#20 Tokra

Posted 07 November 2019 - 11:14 AM

I disagree with the OP contacting the childs mother. That could be dangerous for the child in question.

The boy who is living with me, I know the family and know this kid is telling the truth, but if I had contacted the mother, I know exactly what would have been said.

To the OP, I just want to say something - do not for one second feel like you HAVE to take this kid in. You don't and you shouldn't feel bad if you need to say no.

I can image that if this kid feels it's okay to get it on with a 40 year old man at 17 years of age, then that may be the reason for leaving home. She may not like boundaries being put in place.

I had loads of boundaries on my DS and he didn't like that. He didn't think it should have to apply to him. He spent a week on the streets dodging the police and even told people I slapped him in the face with a mobile phone (I didn't). He wanted people to feel sorry for him.

#21 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 07 November 2019 - 11:18 AM

How well do you already know the friend? Has she ben a friend of your SD for many years or is it a more recent relationship?

I wouldn't completely dismiss it, but I wouldn't automatically say yes either (which you haven't). In a neutraI setting (cafe, park etc) and have a frank and open discussion with the girl about what her expectations are, what your expectations are, etc. I would also try to make contact with her current guardian (who they have been living with most recently) and have a conversation with them, particularly with respect to how they have fitted into the household etc, and their take on the FWB.

If you think it might work, I would agree for 1 month initially (to help them finish high school) and take it from there.

View PostBeancat, on 07 November 2019 - 10:52 AM, said:

One condition  - no boyfriends, FWB - none of them at all - its your house and you are offering a roof for the teen - not any tag alongs
agree with this.

View PostTokra, on 07 November 2019 - 11:14 AM, said:

I can image that if this kid feels it's okay to get it on with a 40 year old man at 17 years of age, then that may be the reason for leaving home. She may not like boundaries being put in place.

I had loads of boundaries on my DS and he didn't like that. He didn't think it should have to apply to him. He spent a week on the streets dodging the police and even told people I slapped him in the face with a mobile phone (I didn't). He wanted people to feel sorry for him.
This would be my concern as well.

#22 IamtheMumma

Posted 07 November 2019 - 11:27 AM

I think talking to the mum is a good move. There could be a very good reason she isn't at home. It could be related to the family dynamics or it could be the influence of the girl's abuser (the 40+yr old). Perhaps the parents said no to having the abuser in their house and she left. Could be the same thing that is happening again with the current place.

Alternatively, it could be a load of bunk and the girl is horrid. My DD moved out at 17 because she didn't like the house rules (clean up after yourself, speak and treat your family nicely and don't be a feral pig). She told so many lies about me to others. It hurt to hear what came out of my child's mouth but it worked for her. She moved in with friends who believed her lies and then made their lives hell as they came to realise what a selfish user she is.

If you don't let her move in, perhaps help her find a suitable place through whatever access you have in your area.

#23 steppy

Posted 07 November 2019 - 11:35 AM

Stick to your guns. If the relative she is living with now also wants her to move out, chances are good that there is an issue with her behaviour and that will become your issue.

$50 board is not enough. If you are considering it, I would be initiating discussion with CSA and Centrelink about the money you would be entitled from her parents and in general and ensure money is automatically coming to your account.

Once they're in, it's hard to get rid of them. Especially with a teen ally. If her behaviour is the issue, it's likely that will affect both your teens behaviours.

#24 UndergroundKelpie

Posted 07 November 2019 - 11:48 AM

I would help her find a suitable place to stay and maybe offer accommodation during the rest of year 12.

I was this girl. I was homeless when I was 15. I didn't get living out of home rate for centrelink until my mother moved to Europe when I was 16. She lied to so many people when I was trying to get help and played me as the bad teen when I was a straight A student and captain of music and chess clubs at school. I was lucky a teacher took me in at 16 when they realised I was homeless.

I wouldn't contact the parent as they are not going to admit their bad parenting.

#25 akunazone

Posted 07 November 2019 - 12:05 PM

I would be letting them stay til at least end of year 12 with the proviso no boyfriend/ fwb. Lets face it that meets the criteria for statuary rape and i would have no part of that at all.

I think it shows great kindness on your sd's behalf to want to help. I would be very careful to show that you respect that even if you do not end up helping her friend.




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