Jump to content

Am I unreasonable?


  • This topic is locked This topic is locked
115 replies to this topic

#1 Funwith4

Posted 03 November 2019 - 01:41 AM

DH wanted to go to his parents’ house today to watch horse racing all day, put bets on and drink. It would have been an all afternoon and evening thing. He also intends doing this in two days time, on Melb Cup day.

I was also invited as were our four kids. DH two sisters, husbands and kids were also going.

They are all BIG drinkers. I am vegan and against horse racing but that’s really not the issue. I am breast feeding and can’t drink. I find it completely boring to sit with drinkers all day long especially just to put bets on horses. I would have been dealing with all four kids all day and ended up with a drunk DH at the end of it all. Plus I don’t want my kids around that environment all the time

I am ok with DH going on Melb Cup day but I felt that two days of it was asking too much. Am I unreasonable?

I kicked up a stink, so DH didn’t go today and he told his whole family why he wasn’t going. And now we’re not talking.

#2 fig_jam

Posted 03 November 2019 - 01:52 AM

I would've been happy for him to go.

Of course since he had a day to himself it would only be fair for you to take yourself out the next morning for s nice breakfast, shopping, have your nails done, whatever you like while his hungover a*se looks after the four kids.

#3 IamtheMumma

Posted 03 November 2019 - 02:13 AM

Not unreasonable. Your DH is taking the p*ss. I’d be livid at him for doing the “wife won’t let me” trick too. That just smacks of no respect. He needs to GTFU.

In my experience, this is something that is common amongst families whose bond is built on alcohol. If you’re not getting hammered, you’re a party pooping loser. It gets worse when they become alcoholics.

Technically your DH could have gone by himself but I suspect that would mean it would turn into a weekend bender because he’d keep drinking till the wee hours of the morning, sleeping till afternoon and then hungover. You’d be looking after the kids all weekend by yourself but with the added annoyance of a hungover DH complaining about everything. That’s been my experience anyway.

#4 DirtyStreetPie

Posted 03 November 2019 - 02:33 AM

I'm with you, OP.

We have a rule in our family: parents on duty are never to be drunk or hungover. I don't drink at all, but my husband does. So, on any days when he is supposed to be sharing parenting duties with me, he is not to render himself useless by being hungover.

I look after my son most of the time. On the weekend, it is my husband's duty to help me. He doesn't get to flop around the place, hungover and exhausted, while I pick up the slack. And he agrees with me on this.

Parenting is a job. You don't turn up to work drunk/hungover; likewise, you don't turn up to your family duties drunk/hungover.

I realise that in this drunken country of ours, my views put me in the minority, but anyway...

#5 BornToLove

Posted 03 November 2019 - 03:24 AM

View PostIamtheMumma, on 03 November 2019 - 02:13 AM, said:

I’d be livid at him for doing the “wife won’t let me” trick too. That just smacks of no respect. He needs to GTFU.
This is what would get my back up as well. A day of drinking and gambling isn’t my thing. I‘d probably ask we do something else as a family.

However going on to blame you for ruining the fun to his family is hurtful and insulting. I would make it clear that he’s crossed a line with that and he needs to pull his head out.

#6 gracie1978

Posted 03 November 2019 - 04:11 AM

Good on you.

I don't think it's unreasonable to pick Darby Day or Melbourne Cup.

#7 Bearynice

Posted 03 November 2019 - 05:55 AM

No you are totally reasonable. One of the two days is fine.

FYI your Dh is being a tosser.

It sounds like an ingrained culture though. I wouldn’t be happy to sit around looking after kids and drunks. I’d rather stay home!

#8 luke's mummu

Posted 03 November 2019 - 05:59 AM

View PostDirtyStreetPie, on 03 November 2019 - 02:33 AM, said:

I'm with you, OP.

We have a rule in our family: parents on duty are never to be drunk or hungover. I don't drink at all, but my husband does. So, on any days when he is supposed to be sharing parenting duties with me, he is not to render himself useless by being hungover.

I look after my son most of the time. On the weekend, it is my husband's duty to help me. He doesn't get to flop around the place, hungover and exhausted, while I pick up the slack. And he agrees with me on this.

Parenting is a job. You don't turn up to work drunk/hungover; likewise, you don't turn up to your family duties drunk/hungover.

I realise that in this drunken country of ours, my views put me in the minority, but anyway...

I agree with you absolutely. We aren’t big drinkers, but always make sure there is one parent sobber, not hungover and ready to drive incase of an emergency. Yes parents get sick, but making yourself purposely unable to look after your kids is not on in my opinion

#9 Riotproof

Posted 03 November 2019 - 06:05 AM

You are not unreasonable.



#10 BadCat

Posted 03 November 2019 - 06:08 AM

For me it would depend on how often he does stuff like this.

Is it once a year, or does he spend the day getting drunk with family a lot?

For once a year I would have told him to go and I would have stayed home and done something better with my time.

#11 Charli73

Posted 03 November 2019 - 06:10 AM

Going to both sounds like he’s taking the p*ss, one would be fine.

#12 Hypnic Jerk

Posted 03 November 2019 - 06:14 AM

View PostBadCat, on 03 November 2019 - 06:08 AM, said:

For me it would depend on how often he does stuff like this.

Is it once a year, or does he spend the day getting drunk with family a lot?

For once a year I would have told him to go and I would have stayed home and done something better with my time.

It would have been twice in a matter of days.

#13 BadCat

Posted 03 November 2019 - 06:17 AM

View PostHypnic Jerk, on 03 November 2019 - 06:14 AM, said:

It would have been twice in a matter of days.

Yeah, I get that.  But to me that would still constitute a one off event if he's not doing it frequently.

The part I have a problem with is him sooking to his family making the OP the bad guy.  That's childish.  FWIW, the language the OP used to describe how she asked/told him not to go doesn't make it sound like she was being very grown up either.

Edited by BadCat, 03 November 2019 - 06:22 AM.


#14 .Jerry.

Posted 03 November 2019 - 06:19 AM

I certainly wouldn't want to sit with drunk people whilst sober and watching kids.
I don't think you are unreasonable wanting him to only do one day either.

But unless the person comes up with the idea themselves, they usually will feel some level of dissatisfaction with being "told" they can't go.  (not that I think you worded it that way)

So I would have not told him not to go.  I would expect payback to me though - two days of peace to do what I wanted, while he looked after the kids.

It's definitely not unreasonable to be upset about it though.

#15 Popper

Posted 03 November 2019 - 06:33 AM

Gambling and drinking while watching horse racing all day sounds absolutely horrid. Doing it around kids, not ok in my books. This is not a culture I am familiar with though so others will probably think it is normal.

#16 Coffeegirl

Posted 03 November 2019 - 06:56 AM

His tattle tale sooky behaviour would be what p*ssed me off more than the drinking itself.

If this was just a once off, once a year thing, I would have just let him go by himself.  Or gone along for a couple hours and then left him there to get an Uber home.

But I suspect, this may be a more regular thing, and has pushed the OP over the edge?   Could be wrong, but usually big drinkers find any excuse for a party.

Edited by Coffeegirl, 03 November 2019 - 06:56 AM.


#17 José

Posted 03 November 2019 - 07:20 AM

View PostBadCat, on 03 November 2019 - 06:17 AM, said:



Yeah, I get that.  But to me that would still constitute a one off event if he's not doing it frequently.

The part I have a problem with is him sooking to his family making the OP the bad guy.  That's childish.  FWIW, the language the OP used to describe how she asked/told him not to go doesn't make it sound like she was being very grown up either.

i agree with this.
yes, its twice in a short period of time but if now he doesnt have a similar outing for a long while id be ok with it.

it does sound like the OPs DH hasnt handled this well.

#18 born.a.girl

Posted 03 November 2019 - 07:38 AM

You have my sympathy - sounds like my worst nightmare.


I once met a couple of nice young blokes on a Contiki type trip through New Zealand when i was about 20.  Months later I found myself in their city and called to see if they wanted to meet up - totally platonically.

He said 'well we go to the dogs every Thursday night so perhaps you could meet us there'.  I can't remember my response, I didn't go, I was absolutely gobsmacked - I know there are people who do that, but it didn't happen in my world growing up, which was very much working class.

As per others, it would depend if these were the only two days of the year he was like that.  If there were times, or if he was likely to suggest to you next weekend that you take yourself off for a massage and swim on your own, I'd see it differently from someone who thinks all you've done is pike out of a family get together.

#19 JRA

Posted 03 November 2019 - 07:42 AM

As has been said, if it was every weekend, no

Big it it is just derby day and cup day, I am unsure why you simply didn’t say you go Saturday and we will all go on Tuesday so the kids can catch up with their cousins

I am also unsure how drunk you are talking. Most people I know can spend and afternoon together with some drinks and not get over the top drunk

#20 gracie1978

Posted 03 November 2019 - 08:01 AM

The OP had a new baby which presumably she's home alone with all week.

It was uncool.

#21 #notallcats

Posted 03 November 2019 - 08:30 AM

View PostJRA, on 03 November 2019 - 07:42 AM, said:

, I am unsure why you simply didn’t say you go Saturday and we will all go on Tuesday so the kids can catch up with their cousins


Besides the baby, why shouldn't he take all the kids both days?

#22 JBH

Posted 03 November 2019 - 08:34 AM

If the children were older, and he never did this for the rest of the year, and horse racing is his thing, and you also get child free time, i’d say ok, a bit unreasonable, but mostly i’m with you. In our family, this would probably have played out with DH going and taking a couple of older kids and driving so that he couldn’t have more than two beers over the course of the day. But even then I might be uncomfortable if the “drinking and gambling” tone was clear to the children.

I particularly hate the blame thing. What he should actually tell his family is that on reflection, it’s a bit much to spend two whole days away from the family during the course of the week, so he’ll see tham Tuesday. Never mind that the “reflection” was a clear explanation from you.

#23 BadCat

Posted 03 November 2019 - 08:35 AM

View Post#notallcats, on 03 November 2019 - 08:30 AM, said:

Besides the baby, why shouldn't he take all the kids both days?

Well he totally could, but since the OP is not a fan of the behaviour I'm making the bold assumption she'd rather the kids didn't go.

#24 Riotproof

Posted 03 November 2019 - 08:40 AM

View PostBadCat, on 03 November 2019 - 08:35 AM, said:



Well he totally could, but since the OP is not a fan of the behaviour I'm making the bold assumption she'd rather the kids didn't go.

It sounds like she doesn’t think he will be responsible and parent while drinking and gambling.

#25 WannabeMasterchef

Posted 03 November 2019 - 08:50 AM

I think its give and take.  My

question would be how much time do you get for yourself,  does your husband take the kids for you or let you have your choice of activities as well?

If it were an important thing for him - big family occasion or favourite event, then Id put up with it.

I wonder if there is any way you can make it more fun for yourself. Can you bring a good book, card game, Netflix, knitting or something like that?

Edited by WannabeMasterchef, 03 November 2019 - 09:08 AM.





1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

'My parenting style is Survivalist'

A helicopter or tiger mum, I am not.

8 mums reveal their favourite nappy bags

We asked a bunch of mums which nappy bags they love the most.

Why you shouldn't bother throwing a big first birthday party

If you're feeling the pressure to host an all-out, over-the-top shindig for your baby's birthday, I hereby grant you permission to throw the rules out the window.

The 24 baby names on the verge of extinction this year

If you're on the hunt for the perfect baby name and don't want a chart-topper like Oliver or Olivia, then do we have the list for you.

'My mum doesn't seem that interested in my baby'

Q: My mother and I have always been close, but now that I have a baby, she has not helped out as much as I thought she would.

New guidelines: "Bottle-feeding mums need support too"

Breast is best, but mums who can't, or choose not to breastfeed need support too.

Dads also struggle to 'have it all', study finds

Men and women both experience work-family conflict.

Language development may start in the womb

Study found babies can recognise foreign languages before birth.

Meet the baby born from an embryo frozen for 24 years

Experts say little Emma is a record breaking baby.

 
Advertisement
 

Top 5 Articles

Advertisement
 
 
 

From our network

Five things you need to know about flu and pregnancy

As the 2017 flu season begins in earnest, here?s what you need to know to protect yourself and baby.

Mum tips to keep your pre-baby budget in check

Money might be funny in a rich man's world (or so ABBA told us), but for the rest of us it's a major consideration – particularly before having a baby.

5 easy ways to make your maternity leave last longer

Maternity leave is a special time for you, your partner and your new little bundle. The last thing you want is for financial worries to stand in the way of that joy.

10 ways to keep your 'buying for baby' costs down

Becoming a parent is full of surprises – not least of all finding out that, for such small beings, babies cause a lot of chaos and expense.

5 ways to prepare to go from two incomes to one

Here are some ideas for getting that budget in shape, ready for being a one income family.

 

Baby Names

Need some ideas?

See what names are trending this year.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.