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Visitors after cesarean


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#76 Sweet.Pea

Posted 09 October 2019 - 07:03 PM

View PostChamomile, on 09 October 2019 - 02:09 PM, said:

OP here. Seems like I have opened a can of worms. 3 pages!

I think there’s a huge range in what people expect and accept. To those whose family held their baby before they did, I admire your tolerance, you are amazing. But I know I couldn’t cope with that.

I’m not trying to keep people away. I just know if they’ve driven an hour to get to the hospital, I want them to have a good/successful visit.

I thought delaying visitors would help me to be more calm and rested so they could have a good visit. But it’s backfired on me because they are measuring me on speed. (They haven’t thought of it from my perspective).

I guess this is motherhood all over. Trying your best, but not pleasing everyone.

Something I learnt quick - just do what you want to do! EVERYONE has advice, take what you want and bin the rest.

I do think that parents and inlaws should be treated the same. My inlaws didn't think so - they thought they were VIPs :/

#77 deedee15

Posted 09 October 2019 - 07:35 PM

It’s hard to know how you will react to the c-section, why stress yourself with having visitors straight away, especially with them driving an hour and only being allowed to visit for 10 minutes.
Tell them you will face time them once you are sorted, and they can come the next day.

#78 Soontobegran

Posted 09 October 2019 - 07:59 PM

View PostPizzaPlease, on 09 October 2019 - 10:25 AM, said:

Surely if baby is unsettled then mother or father simply settle baby with a feed or a hug and everyone moves on. A momentarily unsettled baby is not a catastrophe provided parents are comfortable with the situation.


It is not the unsettling the baby that is the only issue. It is the exposure to multiple people's bugs.

Sorry if I was terse but if you'd had as many interfering visitors leaving a trail of unhappy mums behind as I have then you'd probably get why I was. Like PP I also have horrific memories of the way many visitors treated me and other staff because of 'their rights'. The mum has rights, the baby has right.

Different strokes for different folks in terms of visitors but handing around a newborn around several people is a different thing. I want to watch people wash their hands and apply disinfectant and I want to know they've been vaccinated and I'd want to know they have not got a cold, a cold sore happening or another illness.

Edited by Soontobegran, 09 October 2019 - 08:14 PM.


#79 123tree

Posted 09 October 2019 - 08:24 PM

With my caesarean that happened Early in the morning I was up for visitors that day and the next.  Three days of my roommates baby screaming all night long and by day three I was dead. Other mum’s I’ve known felt better by day three.


I would put it out there that you won’t know how you will feel until the day. To me a new baby was exciting and I wanted to show him off (and for them to leave within an hour).

#80 Holly298

Posted 09 October 2019 - 08:38 PM

I’m very organised and researched everything and  told everyone not to come in on the day but a day or two after (except my mum who was with us at the hospital) my c section was booked for 2, I was in recovery until 4 (DH and mum stayed with DS) but when they wheeled me back up to my room at 4 I was just so excited and felt great that I called everyone and by 6pm I had a room full of people and yes played pass the baby but I loved it and have the best photos! My point being as others have said you really won’t know what to expect until it happens so my advice is tell them Dr said not to come until you call them and plan for the next day and do what you want!

Edited by Holly298, 09 October 2019 - 08:39 PM.


#81 Toddlerandme

Posted 09 October 2019 - 09:01 PM

View PostSweet.Pea, on 09 October 2019 - 07:03 PM, said:



Something I learnt quick - just do what you want to do! EVERYONE has advice, take what you want and bin the rest.

I do think that parents and inlaws should be treated the same. My inlaws didn't think so - they thought they were VIPs :/

The first paragraph is great parenting advice!

I do think parents and in-laws should be treated the same in terms of visiting/meeting the baby, to whom they have the same grandparent relationship. It isn’t necessarily the same in terms of visiting the mother though, particularly if she is recovering from a difficult birth.


#82 Stylus

Posted 09 October 2019 - 11:33 PM

View PostChamomile, on 09 October 2019 - 02:09 PM, said:

OP here. Seems like I have opened a can of worms. 3 pages!

I guess this is motherhood all over. Trying your best, but not pleasing everyone.

Honestly, I think it’s sad that you see your own motherhood as something that is relevant to “everyone” and that may not please everyone. Motherhood is about raising a child, it has nothing to do with “everyone” and neither does your birth or what you feel like doing after your birth. Who says you have to please anyone?!

You’ve said here that you know that you want to be the first to hold your baby, understandably. As others have said, you won’t know how you’ll feel or how much pain you’ll be in until it happens.

So, start as you mean to continue ... I wouldn’t even entertain discussions now about when visitors would be welcomed. That suggests it’s something you are willing to negotiate and agree to in advance. It’s not. Inform anyone who asks that you’ll let them know when you’re up for visitors and do not commit to anything beyond that. Get help from the hospital staff to enforce this boundary if you are worried that people won’t respect your wishes.

No matter how excited they are, no one has a right to see the baby, on day one or on any particular day. I find it amazing and so presumptuous that anyone would assume they are entitled to visit a newborn whenever they want to.

#83 born.a.girl

Posted 10 October 2019 - 07:08 AM

View PostStylus, on 09 October 2019 - 11:33 PM, said:


So, start as you mean to continue ... I wouldn’t even entertain discussions now about when visitors would be welcomed. That suggests it’s something you are willing to negotiate and agree to in advance. It’s not. Inform anyone who asks that you’ll let them know when you’re up for visitors and do not commit to anything beyond that. Get help from the hospital staff to enforce this boundary if you are worried that people won’t respect your wishes.

No matter how excited they are, no one has a right to see the baby, on day one or on any particular day. I find it amazing and so presumptuous that anyone would assume they are entitled to visit a newborn whenever they want to.


Exactly this!

This is a time when a white fib is o.k., and you say that you've been advised (except you don't tell them it was us, ha ha) not to schedule visitors until afterwards.

If you're not comfortable with that, actually ask your doctor: should I schedule visitors or wait to see how I feel.  I'd put a lot of money on the answer. Then you can say 'the doctor actually said not to ...'.

#84 a letter to Elise.

Posted 11 October 2019 - 07:09 AM

All this stuff about in laws having the same rights,what about the mothers right to some privacy and dignity? Having your own mum around, who birthed you, wiped you bum, cleaned up your vomit etc, for your entire childhood, is NOT the same as having your MIL in the room. It’s just not.

I’m sorry, but I barely know my MIL. She does not have the right to intrude on my privacy, simply because I birthed her grandchild. My DH understood how vulnerable I was, and asked people to wait, including most of my family. He also understood that while he was every bit as important as me, I was the one going through the surgery, not him, and my needs mattered. People would never expect to be let into some ones  hospital room straight after major surgery, under any other circumstances.

Having a baby can be a pretty traumatic experience. No one should be expected to add to that by entertaining visitors afterwards. It’s completely unreasonable.

For those who felt comfortable with it, great. But expecting privacy after a big and often scary operation is not selfish.


#85 gracie1978

Posted 11 October 2019 - 07:17 AM

Totally agree with ALTE

In one breath last night SMIL told me my bump wasn't big enough, compared me to my SIL who is also pregnant, patted me on the tummy like a dog and asked me why I was still working part time when I should be full time.  And they'd turned up unannounced during bedtime for our 5yo.

She may get to pop in day three, I'll see how I'm feeling.

#86 Threelittleducks

Posted 11 October 2019 - 07:29 AM

It's also quite possible the Caesar will be later than this, especially if there are delays or other emergencies to deal with.
You may also take longer in recovery, baby may need a little extra help, all of this takes time. I wouldn't be having any visitors that day, just say no. And not until at least the following afternoon, especially as you would.likw your first BF to be without an audience (perfectly reasonable too).
Set a clear polite boundary now.
Best wishes.

#87 seayork2002

Posted 11 October 2019 - 08:08 AM

View Posta letter to Elise., on 11 October 2019 - 07:09 AM, said:

All this stuff about in laws having the same rights,what about the mothers right to some privacy and dignity? Having your own mum around, who birthed you, wiped you bum, cleaned up your vomit etc, for your entire childhood, is NOT the same as having your MIL in the room. It’s just not.

I’m sorry, but I barely know my MIL. She does not have the right to intrude on my privacy, simply because I birthed her grandchild. My DH understood how vulnerable I was, and asked people to wait, including most of my family. He also understood that while he was every bit as important as me, I was the one going through the surgery, not him, and my needs mattered. People would never expect to be let into some ones  hospital room straight after major surgery, under any other circumstances.

Having a baby can be a pretty traumatic experience. No one should be expected to add to that by entertaining visitors afterwards. It’s completely unreasonable.

For those who felt comfortable with it, great. But expecting privacy after a big and often scary operation is not selfish.

I just figured if it was not for DH nor my ILs then in a way I would not have DS nor would I have considered having a child with DH unless I got along with them.

so yes to me they are very much equal, my mum was at the birth and I would have had MIL except for numbers (if she asked too, she didn't but that is not a criticism of her)

There is no way i could have married DH if I did not get along with his parents as they are important to him like my my parents are to me.

#88 Jamelex

Posted 11 October 2019 - 08:21 AM

That’s great you have a good relationship with your in-laws, but not everyone has that same luxury. And I say this as someone who has wonderful in-laws.

#89 gracie1978

Posted 11 October 2019 - 08:22 AM

It's great when people have nice in laws, truly happy for them.

However not everyone is that lucky.  Mine were ok 20 years ago, I couldn't have known how curmudgeonly the would be in their 70's or how difficult in general the relationship would become after I'd birthed one of their blood relatives (yes they categorise them... obviously I'm a muggle).

I also don't victim blame 19yo Gracie for not predicting any of this.

Edited by gracie1978, 11 October 2019 - 08:26 AM.


#90 Soontobegran

Posted 11 October 2019 - 08:22 AM

View Postseayork2002, on 11 October 2019 - 08:08 AM, said:

I just figured if it was not for DH nor my ILs then in a way I would not have DS nor would I have considered having a child with DH unless I got along with them.

so yes to me they are very much equal, my mum was at the birth and I would have had MIL except for numbers (if she asked too, she didn't but that is not a criticism of her)

There is no way i could have married DH if I did not get along with his parents as they are important to him like my my parents are to me.

I do not think it is imperative to get on with your in laws to accept your partner into your life and it would have been a cold day in hell before I let people into my delivery room who I barely knew.

#91 NeedSleepNow

Posted 11 October 2019 - 08:30 AM

Given your c-section isn’t scheduled until 6, I’d just let everyone know the hospital has said you probably won’t be out of recovery until 10pm, and they don’t allow visitors that late at night.

I know Seayork that you like to present a front of being the most chill person in the world, but geez I’m glad I was relaxed and open minded enough to marry DH and have children with him despite his parents not approving of me. Ultimately though I didn’t have my mother in the room either when I gave birth, so I guess treating them equally just meant so much more to me than it did to you....which is every bit as ridiculous a statement as yours

#92 seayork2002

Posted 11 October 2019 - 08:40 AM

View PostNeedSleepNow, on 11 October 2019 - 08:30 AM, said:

Given your c-section isn’t scheduled until 6, I’d just let everyone know the hospital has said you probably won’t be out of recovery until 10pm, and they don’t allow visitors that late at night.

I know Seayork that you like to present a front of being the most chill person in the world, but geez I’m glad I was relaxed and open minded enough to marry DH and have children with him despite his parents not approving of me. Ultimately though I didn’t have my mother in the room either when I gave birth, so I guess treating them equally just meant so much more to me than it did to you....which is every bit as ridiculous a statement as yours

My ILs were living in the country we were living in, my mum was not - if my MIL and FIL wanted to be in and the hospital allowed more in the room than the 2 people I had they could have been- the entire Australian Olympic team could have been there for all I cared really I was too busy to be bothered by how may people were in watching me

as an adult I have lived with my ILs more than my parents so I thought to balance my mum living half way across the world from her grandchild a bit if she was at the birth ridiculous as it seems to sound

#93 NeedSleepNow

Posted 11 October 2019 - 08:49 AM

I think that’s the point seayork, mine was a ridiculous statement....equally as ridiculous as your statements about not getting married or having children with someone unless their parents like you, and equally as ridiculous as the notion that someone who doesn’t want their in-laws as involved in the birth sees their baby as a possession, and doesn’t view their husband as equal.

I’m glad you wouldn’t have cared if your IL’s or the whole football team were in there. I guess we won’t ever know though, because they weren’t. I am truly glad you are in the privileged position to have a good relationship with your in-laws. I am actually really envious of that. I would have loved it, alas mine wrote me off as coming from a house of sin when they found out my parents were divorced. I’m sure you would have found a way to overcome that and get your parents to remarry, but I’m just not that great!

#94 seayork2002

Posted 11 October 2019 - 08:57 AM

View PostNeedSleepNow, on 11 October 2019 - 08:49 AM, said:

I think that’s the point seayork, mine was a ridiculous statement....equally as ridiculous as your statements about not getting married or having children with someone unless their parents like you, and equally as ridiculous as the notion that someone who doesn’t want their in-laws as involved in the birth sees their baby as a possession, and doesn’t view their husband as equal.

I’m glad you wouldn’t have cared if your IL’s or the whole football team were in there. I guess we won’t ever know though, because they weren’t. I am truly glad you are in the privileged position to have a good relationship with your in-laws. I am actually really envious of that. I would have loved it, alas mine wrote me off as coming from a house of sin when they found out my parents were divorced. I’m sure you would have found a way to overcome that and get your parents to remarry, but I’m just not that great!

I was only speaking for me, I could not have married or had a child unless I got along with my ILs it is just the way it is FOR ME!!!

heck by the time my Ils were in the picture my mum had been married twice and now lives in 'sin' shacked up with her boyfriend my dad just lives in 'sin'!

#95 NeedSleepNow

Posted 11 October 2019 - 09:17 AM

Funnily enough, I had the exact same belief. Sometimes you don’t know what you would do until the situation arises. Same as all things birth related. I personally wouldn’t be sprouting about equality between the parents and in-laws, when ultimately your situation wasn’t equal either. It was actually less equal than for the majority of women who simply have their DH at the birth. I think your decision was 100% valid, and I think you would have had the support from everyone on the board if you had of asked the question....but the reason doesn’t change the conclusion - at the birth of your son, only your mother was there. Your reason is also not any more valid than anyone else’s detailed for their own mother having more involvement.

I’ll stop derailing now, OP. Hope it all goes well! I think a 6pm surgery time may be a blessing in disguise. When visitors come the next day, also don’t be afraid to get DH to take bub down to the visitors room for you to have a sleep or a rest if you aren’t up to chatting!

#96 JomoMum

Posted 11 October 2019 - 03:13 PM

Lies about nurses instructions or induction times aren’t necessary.

As others have said ..

“We will let you know when we’re ready for visitors, whenever that may be. I’m sorry if it upsets you not being able to plan this in advance, but I am also having major surgery on my body and need time to recover myself, as well as bond with my new baby, so we will let you know when you can come to see us”.

Unfortunately, the first of many times you will need to stand up for yourselves and your parenting decisions.

Efs

Edited by JomoMum, 11 October 2019 - 03:46 PM.





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