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Visitors after cesarean


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#51 Pocket...

Posted 09 October 2019 - 09:24 AM

Off topic, but with a caesarean booked late in the day take plenty of food that's easy for you to eat. Meal rounds will most likely be finished once you get back to the room and often the midwives will be hard pushed to find you much beyond sandwiches, though I'm sure they'll do their best. In case you're actually up to eating, have something on hand for when you get a chance.

#52 rainycat

Posted 09 October 2019 - 09:31 AM

Mine was booked for midday but was finally done at 5.30pm. My twins were taken to the scn for the night and I didn’t see them until a nice midwife took me in to see them at 6.30 the next morning after her shift finished. (Busy night apparently)
I also got really bad stomach pains that afternoon so couldn’t do visitors.
I found the midwives amazing at controlling who visited and for how long. I couldn’t of planned how I would be feeling.

#53 JBH

Posted 09 October 2019 - 10:08 AM

I had an evening c-section (emergency). My parents were in the hospital at the time, including because there were complications. I also really wanted them around because we are close. Each of them held the baby before I did as I was being sewn up. If you had asked me in advance I would have objected, but it was actually fine. But I did not want to see my in laws. I know some people would say I played favourites and perhaps I did - my line in the sand was that I didn’t want to see anyone other than my immediate family until my catheter was out and I could shower. One in law showed up anyway, DH wheeled the crib to the hallway, in law had a peek at the sleeping baby and left again. I really wasn’t up to a visitor. Would have said yes to holding the baby if he’d been awake (subject to whooping cough immunisation status).

Really all I want to say is that it’s ok to have boundaries. It really is up to you, remembering that you are the person who has had a medical procedure.
You have options - you could say no visitors that evening, you could say you’ll keep them posted and see how you feel, you could say they can come for a few minutes to see the baby in the crib outside the room so long as they are willing to wait if you are feeding.

#54 Norma-Bean Baker

Posted 09 October 2019 - 10:19 AM

I had a 1.30 c/s but we told them beforehand that we'd prefer to leave it until the next day and they respected that.  By morning visiting hours I was up and showered with a few feeds under my belt and ready to show him off.  But you need to do what's right for you and your family need to respect if you change your mind and defer visitors.

#55 PizzaPlease

Posted 09 October 2019 - 10:25 AM

View PostSoontobegran, on 09 October 2019 - 08:23 AM, said:

Interesting take on the reality of the hospital staff. FTR there are rules to keep all people safe and happy, they also respond to the requests of patients and many tell us " please do not let our visitors stay" and as for the suggested paranoia about passing a baby around.......are you really serious?

There's no need to be nasty, I am not disparaging you or your profession. Of course rules keep people safe, I'm not an idiot nor am I advocating for complete anarchy.

I am serious about the baby passing comment though, yes. Passing a baby to multiple family members to hold seems perfectly normal and advising against the practice in case the baby is unsettled seems really bizarre to me.

Surely if baby is unsettled then mother or father simply settle baby with a feed or a hug and everyone moves on. A momentarily unsettled baby is not a catastrophe provided parents are comfortable with the situation.

#56 Mollycoddle

Posted 09 October 2019 - 10:42 AM

View PostLallalla, on 08 October 2019 - 07:03 PM, said:

also does there have to be a before birth decision? My 2nd c-section was planned and we didn’t have a pre-birth idea of when everyone could come down. We just messaged them when we felt ready (which was later than expected as I had serious complications).

Hopefully they are respectful and don't just turn up, I can see why some PPs have suggested not even telling anyone when it's being scheduled for.  My own mother turned up at both of mine despite being told not to.  The first time I was glad because right at the moment she walked in I was being given the choice of a c-section or continue with an induction due to irregular foetal heartbeat, I ended up going with the section with her guidance ie. she didn't allow me time or space to quibble, which is what I really needed at the time.  So she waited around and saw the baby when we got out of theatre.  With the second planned c-section she just turned up as she knew when it was being done, even though I'd told her to wait until that evening.  This caused some issues between my partner and myself as we had planned to have that first bit of time with just us and baby.  Either way it doesn't matter now.

Edited by Mollycoddle, 09 October 2019 - 10:43 AM.


#57 Ellie bean

Posted 09 October 2019 - 10:46 AM

I’m very close to my mum but didn’t want to see anyone at all till the next day (VB).
Gotta give my ILs some credit, they came to the hospital and DH explained I wasn’t up to visitors (had just fainted in the shower) but hadn’t eaten all day, they went and got us some kfc and then went home without seeing the baby and have never mentioned it being an issue
Do what you’re comfortable with OP, a very big part of motherhood for me has been learning to go with my gut and ignore everybody else, it’s your first chance to do that!

#58 gracie1978

Posted 09 October 2019 - 11:11 AM

View PostEllie bean, on 09 October 2019 - 10:46 AM, said:

I’m very close to my mum but didn’t want to see anyone at all till the next day (VB).
Gotta give my ILs some credit, they came to the hospital and DH explained I wasn’t up to visitors (had just fainted in the shower) but hadn’t eaten all day, they went and got us some kfc and then went home without seeing the baby and have never mentioned it being an issue
Do what you’re comfortable with OP, a very big part of motherhood for me has been learning to go with my gut and ignore everybody else, it’s your first chance to do that!

Good work DP!

#59 AllyK81

Posted 09 October 2019 - 11:38 AM

I had a 7am CS with DD and still didn't have visitors until the next afternoon.

I had had an emergency c-section with DS and knew I needed to have that rest and have gotten out of bed and showered etc before wanting to see anyone.

Your baby your rules. No-one has a 'right' to see baby the day they are born!

#60 IamtheMumma

Posted 09 October 2019 - 12:07 PM

View PostPizzaPlease, on 08 October 2019 - 07:22 PM, said:

I'm not sure if you have other children but if this is your first then it is possible that after the birth you will find the hospital staff pushy and overbearing and be grateful to see your family.
In my experience hospital staff often play up the idea that everyone's family is demanding and that every new mother just wants to be left alone but it was never really my experience.

I also think the doctors advice about not passing baby around is a bit paranoid. Newborns feed and sleep at that stage and baby will probably be largely unaware of what's going on. If baby becomes distressed, pass back to mum for a feed and a cuddle and maybe family could get a coffee while this is happening. The important thing is that you are comfortable and happy with anything that is taking place but I don't see why you need to make any firm decisions now.

And I've had to call security on family members who refuse to leave. I've also had family members have punch ups in the birth suite. Thankfully that isn't common. In my work experience, most women will ask me to ask visitors to leave at some point. Some don't want them for a day, others will ask after two nights of no sleep and their eyeballs are hanging out. Then there are women who have visitors all day and it is wonderful for them. It is very individual.

Your comments about the doctor's advice is not factual. For the last 3 years our SCN has been in lockdown because someone "with a sniffle" has bought ****ing influenza into a maternity ward. We've also had a baby with herpes from a coldsore. Poor sweet bub went to Brisbane. I don't know the outcome.

There's also the unsettling it can do to the baby. Some bubs are cruisy and can be passed around. As long as they're warm and snuggly, they're happy. But there are also babies who get stressed out from it. A few hours/couple of days ago, they were warm, snuggled, insulated from most sounds and the majority of light. Then they're in a bright, noisy, hot/cold world with lots of smells. Their safe place has disappeared. The closest place is on Mum's chest, with Dad's chest a close second. Some babies don't cope with all the interactions and are very vocal in their displeasure. This can impact on sleeping, breastfeeding and bonding. A stressed out baby is not pleasant.

#61 AliasMater

Posted 09 October 2019 - 12:14 PM

I feel sorry for inlaws. I would have never allowed my parents but not them, or told lies to keep them away, or other things suggested in this thread. My kids are my husband's children too and they are equals as grandparents. Awful stuff.

Edited by AliasMater, 09 October 2019 - 12:15 PM.


#62 PizzaPlease

Posted 09 October 2019 - 12:34 PM

View PostIamtheMumma, on 09 October 2019 - 12:07 PM, said:

And I've had to call security on family members who refuse to leave. I've also had family members have punch ups in the birth suite. Thankfully that isn't common. In my work experience, most women will ask me to ask visitors to leave at some point. Some don't want them for a day, others will ask after two nights of no sleep and their eyeballs are hanging out. Then there are women who have visitors all day and it is wonderful for them. It is very individual.

Your comments about the doctor's advice is not factual. For the last 3 years our SCN has been in lockdown because someone "with a sniffle" has bought ****ing influenza into a maternity ward. We've also had a baby with herpes from a coldsore. Poor sweet bub went to Brisbane. I don't know the outcome.

There's also the unsettling it can do to the baby. Some bubs are cruisy and can be passed around. As long as they're warm and snuggly, they're happy. But there are also babies who get stressed out from it. A few hours/couple of days ago, they were warm, snuggled, insulated from most sounds and the majority of light. Then they're in a bright, noisy, hot/cold world with lots of smells. Their safe place has disappeared. The closest place is on Mum's chest, with Dad's chest a close second. Some babies don't cope with all the interactions and are very vocal in their displeasure. This can impact on sleeping, breastfeeding and bonding. A stressed out baby is not pleasant.

I'll be honest, I hear you but I'm not sure any of that or any response I could give would be particularly helpful to the OP who is seeking advice and reassurance and may not appreciate a discussion about worst case scenarios here. I'm more than happy to continue this discussion by PM if you'd like, I stand by my initial comment but certainly did not intend any offence.

#63 JBH

Posted 09 October 2019 - 12:37 PM

View PostAliasMater, on 09 October 2019 - 12:14 PM, said:

I feel sorry for inlaws. I would have never allowed my parents but not them, or told lies to keep them away, or other things suggested in this thread. My kids are my husband's children too and they are equals as grandparents. Awful stuff.

I’m one of the ones who treated my in-laws differently. I only have sons and have reflected on it quite a lot as a result. There was a fair bit on history to do specifically with them that I think would make it more
understandable but I think too identifying. However, even without that, it wasn’t about the baby and the role of grandparents, it was about me - i’d had a long labour, emergency surgery, I had a catheter and was in a very vulnerable state. Hardly surprising that I only wanted those closest to me in the room. I don’t have that relationship with my parents in law. (Would have happily had my SIL to whom I am close, but she wasn’t in the same city.)

#64 Beanette

Posted 09 October 2019 - 12:44 PM

View PostAliasMater, on 09 October 2019 - 12:14 PM, said:

I feel sorry for inlaws. I would have never allowed my parents but not them, or told lies to keep them away, or other things suggested in this thread. My kids are my husband's children too and they are equals as grandparents. Awful stuff.

But it's not about them. OP is about to have very major surgery, in addition to welcoming a new baby. It's up to her who she wants to see and when, and anyone who's feelings get hurt by that can shove it.

#65 22Fruitmincepies

Posted 09 October 2019 - 12:53 PM

View PostAliasMater, on 09 October 2019 - 12:14 PM, said:

I feel sorry for inlaws. I would have never allowed my parents but not them, or told lies to keep them away, or other things suggested in this thread. My kids are my husband's children too and they are equals as grandparents. Awful stuff.

If they don’t respect the OP’s wishes, why should she respect theirs? The OP is giving birth, it’s a scary, daunting, exciting time. The rights of new grandparents on both sides is right down below the baby, the mum and the dad. If the grandparents on both sides won’t respect the very reasonable wishes of the OP, then yes, don’t tell them the truth.

We didn’t tell my parents when I went in for an induction with preeclampsia, because I didn’t want them to worry (they would have dreadfully). We told them the next day and then they couldn’t visit anyway as my dad had a horrible cough and my mum had a cold sore!

#66 AliasMater

Posted 09 October 2019 - 12:55 PM

View PostBeanette, on 09 October 2019 - 12:44 PM, said:

But it's not about them. OP is about to have very major surgery, in addition to welcoming a new baby. It's up to her who she wants to see and when, and anyone who's feelings get hurt by that can shove it.

I guess 'shove it' doesn't come to mind when thinking about my partner's family. Their feelings matter to me.

I hope my karma sees me with a better future DIL than those such as yourself Beanette!

#67 Lady Gray

Posted 09 October 2019 - 01:14 PM

View PostAliasMater, on 09 October 2019 - 12:55 PM, said:

I guess 'shove it' doesn't come to mind when thinking about my partner's family. Their feelings matter to me.

I hope my karma sees me with a better future DIL than those such as yourself Beanette!

I think what Beanette was getting at was that if the OP's inlaws don't respect the fact that after having major surgery, she doesn't want visitors immediately at the hospital then they can 'shove it'.  

It strikes me as so selfish and disrespectful for parents or parent-in-law to demand that they get to come to the hospital immediately after the baby is born.  The only people that are entitled to be there are the parents!  It boggles my mind that someone could make demands around this!

Edited by Lady Gray, 09 October 2019 - 01:14 PM.


#68 lucky 2

Posted 09 October 2019 - 01:17 PM

I think it is a shared responsibility to reinforce visiting hours.
The expectant woman/parents will be made aware of the visiting hours in the post natal ward.
You inform your loved ones so they can be forewarned
Then when the visitors attend the hospital there will be signs stating the visiting hours and if they will be adhered to strictly or not. An they accept the policy.

That's the ideal.

But, knowing what really happens in pn  wards, every day the staff will be harassed by visitors with demands to let the in because x, y, z.
The ward clerks and MW's have heard it all.

Of course ask your MW to help if needed but they need you (or your dp) to toe the line and reinforce the visiting hours with your relatives so they can focus on the care of women and babies.

Where I work grandparents can visit outside of hours once only, partner and other children are not restricted.
Anyone else needs to abide by the set hours.

I hope things go well  OP and you get to do what feels right to you when the time comes.

#69 Beanette

Posted 09 October 2019 - 01:39 PM

View PostAliasMater, on 09 October 2019 - 12:55 PM, said:

I guess 'shove it' doesn't come to mind when thinking about my partner's family. Their feelings matter to me.

I hope my karma sees me with a better future DIL than those such as yourself Beanette!

Nice one!

FTR, my MIL and I get along famously - mostly because our relationship is built on mutual respect for each others wishes.

#70 Chamomile

Posted 09 October 2019 - 02:09 PM

OP here. Seems like I have opened a can of worms. 3 pages!

I think there’s a huge range in what people expect and accept. To those whose family held their baby before they did, I admire your tolerance, you are amazing. But I know I couldn’t cope with that.

I’m not trying to keep people away. I just know if they’ve driven an hour to get to the hospital, I want them to have a good/successful visit.

I thought delaying visitors would help me to be more calm and rested so they could have a good visit. But it’s backfired on me because they are measuring me on speed. (They haven’t thought of it from my perspective).

I guess this is motherhood all over. Trying your best, but not pleasing everyone.

#71 skicat

Posted 09 October 2019 - 02:18 PM

No visitors the first evening is perfect for lots of skin to skin, bonding together and first breastfeeds.It's a special time for your little family (after all your new family comes first)

Visitors the next day when you are ready , catheter out, showered, teeth cleaned and feeling decent. Let them wait.You are in charge.

#72 Ellie bean

Posted 09 October 2019 - 02:21 PM

View PostAliasMater, on 09 October 2019 - 12:14 PM, said:

I feel sorry for inlaws. I would have never allowed my parents but not them, or told lies to keep them away, or other things suggested in this thread. My kids are my husband's children too and they are equals as grandparents. Awful stuff.
I was very fair to my ILs but they still hugely preference their relationship with SIL and her kids over us... I feel sorry for DH not them...

Also I’d be surprised if DH would want to see my mother an hour after having his innards stitched up, baby or no baby. But yep women should just suck it up cos “baby”...
Efs

Edited by Ellie bean, 09 October 2019 - 02:32 PM.


#73 seayork2002

Posted 09 October 2019 - 02:29 PM

View PostChamomile, on 09 October 2019 - 02:09 PM, said:

OP here. Seems like I have opened a can of worms. 3 pages!

I think there’s a huge range in what people expect and accept. To those whose family held their baby before they did, I admire your tolerance, you are amazing. But I know I couldn’t cope with that.

I’m not trying to keep people away. I just know if they’ve driven an hour to get to the hospital, I want them to have a good/successful visit.

I thought delaying visitors would help me to be more calm and rested so they could have a good visit. But it’s backfired on me because they are measuring me on speed. (They haven’t thought of it from my perspective).

I guess this is motherhood all over. Trying your best, but not pleasing everyone.

I did not have a Cesarean but my mum was at the birth as well as DH, I think I held DS first then not sure after  I think it was DH.

I was able to have visitors after that but as DS was born at 2am we waited til standard hospital waiting time for my sister and DHs parents from an hour or so away (DS was born overseas so not near my family except for my mum and sister who arrived for the birth) So DH and my mum left as soon as DS was born as I was in a public ward and we were both fine and did not need help

If I was not fit myself for visitors I would have wanted to them to at least meet DS as soon as they wanted as they are as much part of DH as I am.

I don't nor did not see DS as 'mine' like I do a possession but hospital visiting times are there and fair for all patients so and visitors would be made to stick to that - and mine did

Edited by seayork2002, 09 October 2019 - 02:30 PM.


#74 Prancer is coming

Posted 09 October 2019 - 02:55 PM

View PostChamomile, on 09 October 2019 - 02:09 PM, said:


I guess this is motherhood all over. Trying your best, but not pleasing everyone.

Great point OP.  And if you cannot please everyone, you may as well please yourself.  I really struggled first time around trying to meet everyone’s expectations and I don’t think DH got it or stood up for me neither.  As I am generally nice and try my best, it was easier for him to get me to accommodate his parents than tell them to back off.

I was in hospital for 5 days.  They visited every day, including the first day.  I did not mind this.  But on the last night, I was not doing well.  I was emotional, exhausted and not up to visitors so we asked them not to come in.  13 years later it still gets brought up, ?MIL telling DH she only wanted to give DH some photos she had of him as a baby and we would not let her ������.

By baby 3, I was very aware I needed rest and to be calm.  Visitors were exhausting.  Much more confident calling the shots.  We actually lived interstate when I had baby number 2 and baby came at Christmas time when most of our friends had gone home for Christmas.  I had one set of visitors and even DH was busy with our eldest most of the time.  It was really such a special time with just me and my new baby to bond.

Edited by Prancer is coming, 09 October 2019 - 02:56 PM.


#75 born.a.girl

Posted 09 October 2019 - 03:39 PM

I can't even remember who we told. We would have told them the due date, but it was an elective caesar over two weeks prior to that due to risk, but that same risk I think made us keep it to ourselves until she was safely out.  I would have told my sisters, I'm sure.  They all found out on the day, but it was a case of 'baby's fine, mother's a long way from being out of the woods', so I guess that meant no one visited.  Wasn't out of bed until day three, so I'm guessing there were visitors before that.

I think you'd be perfectly within your rights to say that you'd let them know how you were, and take it from there.

Edited by born.a.girl, 09 October 2019 - 03:40 PM.





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