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separation anxiety in one of the twins


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#1 B/Gtwinsmom

Posted 01 October 2019 - 11:39 AM

Hi,
My 3 yr old twins, a boy and a girl started playschool in August. Although my daughter has settled in well(she hasn't cried a single day) my son still cries every single day. It's not just at drop off but he cries the whole day. I started sending them twice a week, Tuesdays and Thursdays, but to help him with his anxiety we have been taking him for an hour the rest of the days. It's been two months now and there is still not change. His mood changes completely when he sees me when i go to pick them up and from then until the next morning he tells himself and us he will not cry at school again, but the next day we are back to square one.

Has anyone else been through this? I don't know if i should stop sending him because he is not ready or I should change playschools....

#2 Jenflea

Posted 01 October 2019 - 11:45 AM

Dd cried at drop off for playschool, preschool, kindy and half of year 1.

You just have to get through it.
Be bright and cheerful and tell them you'll see them at X time and walk out once you hand them over to a carer/teacher.

And tell them it's OK to cry, but it's up to them if they are going to have a good day or a bad day. They can sit and be sad all day or they can join in and have some fun.

Changing playschools will just start it all over again I suspect.
Some kids just struggle with drop offs.

Ignore the crying best you can or it makes it worse, sunglasses on and a quick good bye.

It's only been 2 months, he may well settle in soon.

Is there a teacher he likes more you can hand him over to? DD had pone she liked more so I'd give her to that teacher who'd pick her up or get her helping with something.

It's hard but they do need to learn how to be apart from us.
Is he in with his sister? Can she look after him a bit?

#3 Lady Gray

Posted 01 October 2019 - 11:55 AM

This is probably going to sound silly but a friend suggested it to me for my kiddo when she started daycare for the second time (our first attempt was not great and we ended up pulling her out despite it being a great center with lovely carers).

I found speaking a lot about school and what mummy and daddy liked to do at school when they were kids helped.  Also there is a Daniel Tiger episode about starting school which honestly was the most helpful.  It has a little mantra that says 'grownups always come back' and this is what we said over and over to my daughter.  She really latched onto this as I think her biggest fear was being left all day and no one coming to get her.

#4 B/Gtwinsmom

Posted 01 October 2019 - 11:58 AM

thanks for the response...His sister does play with him but that doesn't help him much because he asks for me all the time.. that's what the staff have told me. And yes even I have felt changing schools will only make it harder on him to try and adjust all over again..there are days when he doesn't eat at all becasue he is so upset.. hope he settles in soon..

Edited by B/Gtwinsmom, 01 October 2019 - 12:00 PM.


#5 B/Gtwinsmom

Posted 01 October 2019 - 12:02 PM

Lady Gray, i will look up Daniel Tiger right away... anything that helps!
thank you!

#6 Lallalla

Posted 01 October 2019 - 01:03 PM

Do the 2 days have to be separated? My older DD did not cope at all when she was doing daycare Monday Tuesday Thursday (Wednesday’s were full), and was much happier and more settled when I managed to get all her days in a row. I think this must be quite common as our current centre does not let you have split days.

Also do your twins spend the day together? My twins co-regulated a lot when they were new at daycare. Still do on bad days. When they were new and when their older sister moved rooms our old daycare used to take the oldest to visit them to help calm everyone down too - and I know they did this with other sibsets too

#7 doubledelight

Posted 01 October 2019 - 01:09 PM

I found that my DS (boy in boy/girl twins) just couldn't cope with 2 days of preschool.  Is he the quieter of the two?  My DS does have anxiety so lots of planning, talking and routine made it a lot easier for him.

Once we went back to one day things improved immeasurably.  I also found that with separation anxiety being clear about where you are going and what time you'll return definitely helped as they felt more in control.

#8 PizzaPlease

Posted 01 October 2019 - 01:38 PM

View PostJenflea, on 01 October 2019 - 11:45 AM, said:

Dd cried at drop off for playschool, preschool, kindy and half of year 1.

You just have to get through it.
Be bright and cheerful and tell them you'll see them at X time and walk out once you hand them over to a carer/teacher.

And tell them it's OK to cry, but it's up to them if they are going to have a good day or a bad day. They can sit and be sad all day or they can join in and have some fun.

Changing playschools will just start it all over again I suspect.
Some kids just struggle with drop offs.

Ignore the crying best you can or it makes it worse, sunglasses on and a quick good bye.

It's only been 2 months, he may well settle in soon.

Is there a teacher he likes more you can hand him over to? DD had pone she liked more so I'd give her to that teacher who'd pick her up or get her helping with something.

It's hard but they do need to learn how to be apart from us.
Is he in with his sister? Can she look after him a bit?

If he was only upset at drop off I would agree but it sounds like he is distressed and fretting for most of the day. I feel like two months is a very long time for that level of stress.

OP does he have any friends that he plays with? Are there any carers there that he likes? Are there particular activities that he enjoys or looks forward to? If the answer is no to all three question then I would tend to think he may just not be ready for it yet.

I agree with PP's that if the issue is separation anxiety then there isn't much point in changing schools, particularly if your daughter is happy there.

Edited by PizzaPlease, 01 October 2019 - 01:40 PM.


#9 B/Gtwinsmom

Posted 01 October 2019 - 02:15 PM

View PostLallalla, on 01 October 2019 - 01:03 PM, said:

Do the 2 days have to be separated? My older DD did not cope at all when she was doing daycare Monday Tuesday Thursday (Wednesday’s were full), and was much happier and more settled when I managed to get all her days in a row. I think this must be quite common as our current centre does not let you have split days.

Also do your twins spend the day together? My twins co-regulated a lot when they were new at daycare. Still do on bad days. When they were new and when their older sister moved rooms our old daycare used to take the oldest to visit them to help calm everyone down too - and I know they did this with other sibsets too
The days need not be seperated. I am actually planning to change the days so they can go on two consecutive days.. cant send them all five days due to financial constraints... his twin does sit with him but that doesn't really help him..

#10 B/Gtwinsmom

Posted 01 October 2019 - 02:21 PM

View PostPizzaPlease, on 01 October 2019 - 01:38 PM, said:

If he was only upset at drop off I would agree but it sounds like he is distressed and fretting for most of the day. I feel like two months is a very long time for that level of stress.

OP does he have any friends that he plays with? Are there any carers there that he likes? Are there particular activities that he enjoys or looks forward to? If the answer is no to all three question then I would tend to think he may just not be ready for it yet.

I agree with PP's that if the issue is separation anxiety then there isn't much point in changing schools, particularly if your daughter is happy there.

he cries all day... since he is upset all the time he doesn't take part in activities... i know he has to get htrough this stage.. its just that i don't know how to make him understand.. we have started a little drop off ritual where i tell him that when he is at school mommy is with him in his heart... he loves his toy trucks so i tell him he can drive a big truck if he goes to school.. but nothing seems to be working... i literally hanging on to "this too shall pass" saying.

#11 PizzaPlease

Posted 01 October 2019 - 07:42 PM

View PostB/Gtwinsmom, on 01 October 2019 - 02:21 PM, said:

he cries all day... since he is upset all the time he doesn't take part in activities... i know he has to get htrough this stage.. its just that i don't know how to make him understand.. we have started a little drop off ritual where i tell him that when he is at school mommy is with him in his heart... he loves his toy trucks so i tell him he can drive a big truck if he goes to school.. but nothing seems to be working... i literally hanging on to "this too shall pass" saying.

That sounds really rough, if it's an option to do so I would probably pull him out and try again at the start of next year but obviously that may not be possible.

Would it be an option to keep him at home for a few months but let his sister keep attending the sessions? This would give him some breathing space but keep him and your family connected to the centre and staff before trying again.

#12 Bearynice

Posted 01 October 2019 - 07:56 PM

Oh that’s incredibly tough. So he cries all day? Anddoesnt engage in any activities?

What does his sister say about her day? Are all the kids happily playing?

Is there a particular activity he loves? If he loves trucks could you chat to the carers about creating a new whizz band table with trucks?






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