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12 year old boy


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#1 Lovesherboy

Posted 11 August 2019 - 11:20 AM

We are struggling with our son at the moment, he is 12 and he loves video games, online chatting to friends and it’s becoming way too much. He lost his Xbox for being rude to me but he has been going on chat on his iPad without our permission. Yesterday’s performance Son can I go to the park (which is 5 minutes away) me why? Son because Hayley my friend is there, me who is hayley? Son my girlfriend (that he has never met) me no, why would I allow you to go to the park alone with someone I don’t know? Son fine! Me have you been talking to her? Son no! Me well how do you know she is at the park? Son fine I am on the ipad. Me I want the iPad, 3 hours later me - son why am I getting logins for the chatting program on my email? Son I don’t know? Me what else do you have? Son nothing? Me ok so someone is using your password then? Son fine it’s a old iPhone I found! Me - Thankyou it’s mine..

He liars he is on it and now and I and loosing trust and I don’t know what to do. Why does he feel the need to liar to me? He broke his first laptop by being rough online gaming with fortnite and punched the screen and cracked the screen. He finally confessed it was him a month later. He broke his second screen this week and says he didn’t but now I have lost trust. He said he just wants some freedom? I don’t allow him to go to park on his own. He has been chatting to a girl from another school? I don’t know it’s a girl but apparently his friend knows her.

Am I being too strict? Who knows if this ‘girl’ Is who he thinks she is, he said he has face chatted online? He only wants to go to his mates house to ‘play’ cause his friend has fortnite and sits on it all day, I would allow it so he can’t go. He can’t play fortnite anymore as my husband and I have decided it’s not a appropriate game.

Im struggling with him having his space and independence with too much gaming any suggestions? I want to trust what he is doing but he hasn’t proven it to me so far..

#2 EsmeLennox

Posted 11 August 2019 - 11:23 AM

You’re not being strict enough, IMO.

All devices would be gone for a period of time in my house in that scenario. And no way in hell would he be going to the park to meet a kid he’s never met.

Has he been given any cybersafety education?

This may be useful: https://www.esafety.gov.au/parents

Edited by EsmeLennox, 11 August 2019 - 11:24 AM.


#3 Lovesherboy

Posted 11 August 2019 - 11:26 AM

I didn’t even know he had the iPad or the iPhone.. he had everything gone and he must of snuck it in

I haven’t shown him I’m not sure on the school

#4 lotsofbots

Posted 11 August 2019 - 11:28 AM

We have 2 -13 year olds. All internetand devices in our house are controlled from my iPad with a Trendmicro box.


#5 Meepy

Posted 11 August 2019 - 11:30 AM

He seems to be fixated on electronics.  I would encourage other interests, get him involved with various activities that don't use technology and help with socialisation skills.  Lying and destroying equipment is not being responsible and his inability to regulate his behaviour would mean he should not have access until he can control himself.

#6 blimkybill

Posted 11 August 2019 - 11:36 AM

I haven't been through this myself, but I see that so many families are struggling with exactly the same issues as you. It is not easy.
At 12, children do need to start to develop some independence, make social contacts etc. But they are also at risk via addiction to gaming/internet and at risk due to unsafe people they may come in contact with. Gaming can elicit strong feelings an addictive behaviours; it is worrying that you are seeing your son lashing out aggressively during his gaming. It so much gets in the way of healthy social development.
I have been dong some reading and am impressed so far with this guy's writing on the topic:

https://www.unpluggedpsychologist.com/

He has also written a book to help parents in your position;
https://www.unplugge...logist.com/book

Part of the solution is you are going to have to get control of his internet access, so you can determine when he does and doesn't have it. .
Good luck

#7 CallMeFeral

Posted 11 August 2019 - 11:38 AM

Can I suggest some parenting programs? If you google for parenting programs in your area you may find lots of options that will help with this phase. He's getting to that really tough age where emotions are running high and the boundaries of independence are always being tested. Tuning into teens is a good one, but if you can find something more aimed at the 'how' that might be a good idea too.

There are lots of things I want to suggest based on your post but I understand these things are complex and I'm not seeing all of it. But I feel like there needs to be perhaps more boundaries, and him getting privileges and independence and space only when he earns it by trustworthy behaviour, and it gets pulled back when he is not acting in a manner which demonstrates that he deserves that trust.

But a tuning into teens course would help a lot with the emotions and communication for a start.
Check out this website and see if you think any of these courses would be doable/useful
http://www.resourcin...nts.nsw.gov.au/

#8 EsmeLennox

Posted 11 August 2019 - 11:44 AM

 Lovesherboy, on 11 August 2019 - 11:26 AM, said:

I didn’t even know he had the iPad or the iPhone.. he had everything gone and he must of snuck it in

I haven’t shown him I’m not sure on the school

Yes, he was sneaky about gaining access, so that would be a total ban here for a week or two.

I agree with others who are saying you need to foster other interests. I have three sons (youngest, 12) I know it’s difficult. What has worked for us (so far) is a ‘no gaming during the week’ approach and lots of open conversations about staying safe, being respectful of others and spending time on other pursuits for healthy mind and body. And absolutely no hesitation in cutting off supply if behaviours are getting out of hand.

And I really do recommend you educate yourself and your son on cybersafety issues.

Good luck.

#9 Lovesherboy

Posted 11 August 2019 - 12:04 PM

We have taken away games when he has played up and when he has behaved we have given them back. Just now I went looking for the iPhone he snuck in and I took off him last night to find it under his bed and plugged in to the power 😡

#10 annodam

Posted 11 August 2019 - 12:04 PM

Some might think I’m too harsh & aren’t going to agree with my approach but I’d be selling all gaming console things & changing the Wi-Fi password.
iPads ONLY for Homework & seated where I can easily supervise.  
Yes, it shouldn’t be like this but he has brought this upon himself, this will continue until he would gain my trust again.
This is exactly the reason we have never purchased any consoles & my 10yo only has an iPad because we attend a BYOD from Yr 3 (don’t get me started on devices for Jnr kids in PS another but that’s a vent for another day!)
If it weren’t for school, my 10yo would not own an iPad, I can tell you that right now!




#11 Lovesherboy

Posted 11 August 2019 - 12:09 PM

My son also has a laptop Boyd for highschool and travels to and from school on the bus so he would play without internet there and back he has asked for a internet dongle I have said no and he has asked for a phone so he can contact ‘me’ well the school and bus driver know my number so I don’t feel the need he needs it

#12 Navy Blue

Posted 11 August 2019 - 01:38 PM

I get wanting to ban electronics, we've done it from time to time also.

What jumped out at me though was the destruction of the computer and also your DS saying he wants more freedom.

I would have him help around the house to pay for repairs or a new laptop. Then sit down and talk about what he wants to do online, who he's chatting to, even play some games with him (much as I loathe computer games the kids love it when I play with them).

Also take on board his request for more freedom. I've told my kids we have to build trust with them, so small steps to independence. Is there a reason he doesn't go to the park alone? I say this as someone with a park in our street so get it may not be possible for others.

Fostering some freedom through other activities will hopefully get him away from the computer.

#13 Riotproof

Posted 11 August 2019 - 01:47 PM

 annodam, on 11 August 2019 - 12:04 PM, said:

Some might think I’m too harsh & aren’t going to agree with my approach but I’d be selling all gaming console things & changing the Wi-Fi password.
iPads ONLY for Homework & seated where I can easily supervise.  
Yes, it shouldn’t be like this but he has brought this upon himself, this will continue until he would gain my trust again.
This is exactly the reason we have never purchased any consoles & my 10yo only has an iPad because we attend a BYOD from Yr 3 (don’t get me started on devices for Jnr kids in PS another but that’s a vent for another day!)
If it weren’t for school, my 10yo would not own an iPad, I can tell you that right now!

So effectively, you have zero experience of the Op’s problem?

#14 marple

Posted 11 August 2019 - 02:03 PM

Going against the grain, but I would certainly let a 12yo go to the park  that was 5 minutes away. The other stuff I'm a bit confused. Do you think this girl doesn't exist and is actually a paedophile who lives nearby?

Breaking the screen is another matter.

#15 rileys-mum

Posted 11 August 2019 - 02:10 PM

Turn off your wifi.
We often have it turned off for days due to reliance on tech.
I control mine through my phone and restrict all access. Adults the use the data on their phones.
If you can’t control yours through your phone. Simply remove the power cord.

#16 annodam

Posted 11 August 2019 - 02:57 PM

 Riotproof, on 11 August 2019 - 01:47 PM, said:



So effectively, you have zero experience of the Op’s problem?


iPads, consoles same, same, if they’re addicted, they’re addicted!
The OP son is lying, so therefore she needs to act & if getting rid of devices & removing them from his possession does that, then I’m all for it!
He was about to go to the park & meet up with a random, FFS!

#17 marple

Posted 11 August 2019 - 03:11 PM

 annodam, on 11 August 2019 - 02:57 PM, said:

iPads, consoles same, same, if they’re addicted, they’re addicted!
The OP son is lying, so therefore she needs to act & if getting rid of devices & removing them from his possession does that, then I’m all for it!
He was about to go to the park & meet up with a random, FFS!

Are we sure of that? To me it reads that he is meeting up with a girl from another school who is a mutual friend. It's 5 minutes away. Follow in the car if you are that worried.

Also not allowing Fortnite for a 12 yo seems a bit harsh.

If it's 3 hours later I'm sure she is long gone.

Just out of interest why do people not want their kids to have friends?

Edited by marple, 11 August 2019 - 03:17 PM.


#18 rileys-mum

Posted 11 August 2019 - 03:26 PM

Why is not allowing a 12 year old to play fortnight harsh?

#19 blimkybill

Posted 11 August 2019 - 03:27 PM

 marple, on 11 August 2019 - 03:11 PM, said:



Are we sure of that? To me it reads that he is meeting up with a girl from another school who is a mutual friend. It's 5 minutes away. Follow in the car if you are that worried.

Also not allowing Fortnite for a 12 yo seems a bit harsh.

If it's 3 hours later I'm sure she is long gone.

Just out of interest why do people not want their kids to have friends?
For me, yes generally I would let my 12 year old go to a nearby park. As long as I thought they were going to be where they said they would,  and would come back by an agreed time. And generally I would let my child meet a child from another school. Although I would prefer they did it in a more structured situation, ie an activity/sport/group etc. Or visiting at one of the homes with parents around.
But in this situation,  the 12 y.o. has been doing some heavy duty lying.  I would not trust they were telling the truth about where they were going and who they were seeing.

#20 Freddie'sMum

Posted 11 August 2019 - 03:31 PM

Waving at the OP - you are not alone.  Lots of parents - us included - are trying to do our best with tweens / teens wanting more freedom and independence - via video games etc - and it's hard.  They use some of these devices for school and that's important but stuff like fortnight and games are not (but these things are very addictive, to kids and adults alike).

You also want them to be cybersafe - contact your school and ask what programs they are teaching the kids about being cybersafe.  We have a 14 year old and an 11 year old and both high school and primary school have lessons about cybersafety and working on computers / devices.

I would be removing all devices apart from the device to do homework and he would be sitting at the kitchen table where you could monitor him doing his homework.  No more chatting to random strangers, no more fortnite.

Does he have any other hobbies / interests?  Does he play any sport or anything outside of school that would be more beneficial and get him away from the video games?

#21 Dirty Cat

Posted 11 August 2019 - 03:47 PM

I'd be turning off his wifi access. Sneaking divides is a no no around here.

I would also confiscated his laptop and he would have not be able to use it while sitting at the kitchen table doing homework

All decisions have a consequence

#22 Riotproof

Posted 11 August 2019 - 04:01 PM

 annodam, on 11 August 2019 - 02:57 PM, said:




iPads, consoles same, same, if they’re addicted, they’re addicted!
The OP son is lying, so therefore she needs to act & if getting rid of devices & removing them from his possession does that, then I’m all for it!
He was about to go to the park & meet up with a random, FFS!

I think it’s always prudent to know what you don’t know.

#23 annodam

Posted 11 August 2019 - 04:02 PM

 marple, on 11 August 2019 - 03:11 PM, said:

Are we sure of that? To me it reads that he is meeting up with a girl from another school who is a mutual friend. It's 5 minutes away. Follow in the car if you are that worried.

Also not allowing Fortnite for a 12 yo seems a bit harsh.

If it's 3 hours later I'm sure she is long gone.

Just out of interest why do people not want their kids to have friends?





Look, he could well be meeting up with a friend from another school, that's not the issue.
I'm more concerned about the lying & deceit, do we actually know 100%?

#24 Mollyksy

Posted 11 August 2019 - 04:11 PM

Just on the girl from another school his friend claims to know. Has this friend actually physically met this girl or is it they 'know her' online through gaming/social media. The meeting up with someone he hasn't met freaks me out.  OP, has you son had any talks about cyber safety?

(Leaving the lying and sneaking and limits on electronics totally to the side as my DS is 6 and we are bumbling through by the seat of my pants).

#25 literally nobody

Posted 11 August 2019 - 04:16 PM

6 digit pin code on both the ipad and iphone will stop him.

works a treat at my house.

If he doesn’t know the pin code = no use/play. End of issue.

Edited by literally nobody, 11 August 2019 - 04:17 PM.





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