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Family taking photos/videos without permission

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#26 Mose

Posted 04 August 2019 - 09:23 AM

As an observation...in an "am I being unreasonable about MIL" thread, it is rare for EB to be so consistent in endorsing MIL's point of view.

#27 annodam

Posted 04 August 2019 - 09:23 AM

Your baby is what, 2wks old you say?
The days are long but the years are short.
Pick your battles OP.
This is a non-issue trust me!

#28 Mmmcheese

Posted 04 August 2019 - 09:30 AM

I get where you are coming from, but this just seems like something that you will not be able to enforce.

#29 Threelittleducks

Posted 04 August 2019 - 09:35 AM

It's curious that you say you take a video once a week or so. That's all we tend to do too, at most. I rarely video the kids.

I also think taking photos with the phone is far less intrusive than a big SLR camera.

I think it's possible to take photos and still be in the moment. I'm assuming your MIL isn't taking constant photos during the visit? One or two doesn't hurt. She may not take any at all if you texted her regular photos too.

Good Luck.

#30 FearsomeFeralFreak

Posted 04 August 2019 - 09:39 AM

Sorry I think you are being totally unreasonable and controlling.
Your MIL is excited about her grandchild. Lots of photos, taken by a loving family for their own use will not harm your child in any way or lessen the value of the high quality, planned SLR photos you have.
If she was posting them all over the internet I’d understand but it just sounds like you don’t want anyone to take photos but you.

#31 crankybee

Posted 04 August 2019 - 09:46 AM

My mum often sits and scrolls through all her photos that she has taken and we have sent and I know it brings her a lot of joy. When my Dad died suddenly and I got his iPhone, he had separate albums of each of his grandchildren on it. It's wonderful they were so loved by him. Let her have some joy.

#32 onetrick

Posted 04 August 2019 - 09:53 AM

I think it depends on the quantity that we are talking about. My MIL babysits ince a week for us and takes pics then. That makes sense to me, they are her pics to share (I dont mind then on her social media as she only has about 20 friends and I've met all of them).
SIL however, hardly sees DS, but everytime she does, he gets a phone shoved in his face. She wants to take pics/ videos. Doesnt play with him, doesn't make an effort to actually interact, just takes photos. Then posts them on social media despite being asked not to (so different to MIL- thousands of 'friends' and public profile).
So I kind of get it if it is excessive and beyond the doting grandma thing... maybe try to do the opposite and ask if your MIL wants to be IN the photo? So make a point of taking photos of them interacting with your LO and then choosing the best pics and sending them on to MIL? That way, she gets photos and you get to ensure a bit of time without phones out? Not sure if this makes sense, but I find when the camera comes out, phones tend to go away?

#33 Ayr

Posted 04 August 2019 - 09:59 AM

View Postgracie1978, on 04 August 2019 - 07:56 AM, said:

As long as she isn't posting them over social media it's probably not a big deal.
It's not like she's doing it daily.

You sound a little pretentious in your post.

Agree. Id rather my kids not be posted over social media, I don't even post pics of them there and most of my kids are old enough to have their own social media and choose what they want posted or not. But I can't see any harm in a grandparent taking a video or photo of their grandchildren especially that young. It will wear off as they get older they will take less and less pics and videos of them. Your child won't be disadvantaged in any way by having her grandmother want to capture the moments she spends with her...

#34 cstar

Posted 04 August 2019 - 10:02 AM

I think you’re over thinking it too.

We have a goddaughter, her mum sends me pics and videos of her every so often, they bring us all so much joy, I can’t imagine how much joy they would give a grandparent.

#35 ~Jolly_F~

Posted 04 August 2019 - 10:06 AM

I think overthinking it too.

Someone loves your kid and wants to take a photo or video to remember to share with friends, that’s a pretty awesome thing. As long as she isn’t taking nudes or posting then to social media, I think you need to back off a tad.

Plus your kid is two unless you plan to homeschool and never ever involve your kids in any activities, there are going to be photos taken of her and probably on social media. A lot of people will blur your kids out and some won’t.

#36 Kallie88

Posted 04 August 2019 - 10:17 AM

Photos are really valued in my family, in that my grandfather had a camera and took (relatively for the time) quite a lot of photos of his family. To be honest they are incredibly treasured and valuable to our family. One of my uncles, also had a video camera when we were young and they were quite expensive, and those videos of my childhood and my cousins are amazing memories. It's amazing to see family resemblance and our personalities when we were young.

I don't think having those pictures/ videos taken (again, in larger volume than was normal at the time) has made anyone I know in my family self conscious, and we get so much benefit from them.

I agree that I think it's unreasonable to try to limit MIL taking photos unless that was all she was doing and/or she was posting them on social media. Those are her memories, she doesn't see your child every day, and she knows how fast the time goes..

Edited by Kallie88, 04 August 2019 - 10:18 AM.

#37 Melbs2010

Posted 04 August 2019 - 10:22 AM

If for personal use and not posting on social media I'm in camp overthinking as well.

Cameras being everywhere is the reality for kids now.  Unless you shield your child from daily life entirely you won't be able to keep them from being filmed for long.  Once a tween/teen it will be completely unrealistic.  Their friends are doing it.  It's part of joining in nowadays.

Let grandma have a few keepsakes.  Ones where the photo or the video is something meaningful to her rather than just the weekly one you've taken.  It could be something your child will be able to share in the future with her grandma and further their relationship.

#38 sandy34

Posted 05 August 2019 - 08:38 AM

I have a similar stance to you OP. We tend to limit photos and videos but I don't consider my children as 'mine'. They are part of an extended family and community. If my MIL wants to take loads of pictures that's her choice, that's her relationship with my children. She doesn't see them enough for it to be a massive problem, maybe once a week. Also,once they get to daycare or preschool photos are being taken all the time.
Being a parent sometimes means letting go of control. When they're little you can control what they eat, photos, friends. At some point that all changes. Let it go.

#39 Hollycoddle

Posted 05 August 2019 - 08:47 AM

View Post~LemonMyrtle~, on 04 August 2019 - 07:54 AM, said:

Besides, one day you will accidentally wipe your phone, or your house will burn down, or your computer will get stolen, and you will be begging for a copy of all those sneaky photos and videos. Doesn’t hurt to have a back up, IMO.

I regularly see posts about people asking for the return of lost phones with precious memories on them. Don't people back up regularly? I clear my photos once a week into my hard drive and usually the next day after a special occasion where I've taken lots of pics.

#40 ~LemonMyrtle~

Posted 05 August 2019 - 08:55 AM

View PostMollycoddle, on 05 August 2019 - 08:47 AM, said:

I regularly see posts about people asking for the return of lost phones with precious memories on them. Don't people back up regularly? I clear my photos once a week into my hard drive and usually the next day after a special occasion where I've taken lots of pics.

I have grand plans to back up once a month. But I seriously never have the time! So it’s usually every 6-8 months. Kids, they are time vampires. They are the reason we take so many photos and the reason I don’t have time to back up those photos. And if I do get 15 minutes to myself, sitting at a computer isn’t usually high on my priorities.

I back up to my hard drive and an external hard drive, so it takes a bit of time to do. I also take far too many photos! Lol.

#41 Wahwah

Posted 05 August 2019 - 08:59 AM

I wish I had more photos of my DS...we didn't have smart phones when he was little, so I don't have as many of him and they tend to be a bit more formal because we were using a camera, rather than captured in the moment. I have many more taken on a phone of DD, who is younger. There's so many delightful, spontaneous videos and photos of her that wouldn't have been taken if we'd waited to get a DSLR out on a special occasion.

So...I'd let it go. So long as your MIL isn't overstepping with posting on social media I think she's capturing moments in time that your child might be delighted to look back on one day with grandma.

Edited by Wahwah, 05 August 2019 - 09:00 AM.

#42 Apple14

Posted 05 August 2019 - 09:22 AM

Another adding to the no harm being done.
I don’t have social media and everyone (who would take photos of my kids) knows that they are not to be put into social media, but otherwise I would not stop them taking pics.
I do think you’ve overreacted and feel sorry that the grandma feels like she needs to be sneaky to get a pic of her grandchild.

#43 marple

Posted 05 August 2019 - 09:36 AM

Poor Grandma. How awful to be told in your own home that you can't take a photo of your own grandchild. Maybe try and put yourself in her shoes a generation along and think how you would feel if your DD did that to you.  I presume you aren't going to be asking Grandma to do any babysitting?

Edited by marple, 05 August 2019 - 09:37 AM.

#44 JoanJett

Posted 05 August 2019 - 09:39 AM

You might want to plan ahead to homeschool, because in many primary schools, every little event is photographed and/or videoed in the early years, and you will only have input about sharing of content.

If she is not distributing or sharing photos without your permission, I think you're overreacting.

Do you have the same rule for your own parents?

#45 Freddie'sMum

Posted 05 August 2019 - 10:08 AM


I don't think Grandma is doing any harm - she obviously loves your DD and (like PPs have mentioned) if they are for her alone or to share with her Nana friends - and not posted on the internet for the whole world to see, no harm done.

She's only 2 years old OP.  There are going to much more important battles to be fought than this one.

#46 steppy

Posted 05 August 2019 - 10:23 AM

I think this is a losing battle, whether you are unreasonable or not.

#47 robhat

Posted 05 August 2019 - 10:37 AM

It's totally normal for a grandparent, or even aunts, uncles and close friends to want to take heaps of photos and videos of a kid they love. I'd see it as a good sign!

That doesn't mean however that you can't have a few ground rules and it's probably worth having a conversation about. Things like no nude pics and either a total ban on posting on social media or asking her to OK with you first before posting. If you see that grandma is spending all her time taking photos and no quality time with her actual grandchild, that's worth a conversation too. Anything else is just over the top.

It's true that you are going to have to get used to this or withdraw from normal society as photographing kids is normal at many daycares, preschools and schools not to mention dance and sport groups etc.

#48 Ho Ho No

Posted 05 August 2019 - 10:39 AM

I think it is unreasonable to say "no photos/videos".

I think it is reasonable to ask that they respect your child's space, and not make the photo the priority.

(For example, a relative of mine interrupts the activity, demands they look at the camera, gets in their face, yells their name over and over to get their attention, sometimes snaps their fingers and whistles too, instructs them how to pose, criticises if they don't produce a photo-worthy expression, etc)

But there is a greater issue than the photo/videos:
  • you asked her not to do something
  • she agreed not to
  • when your back was turned, she did it anyway
It's trust. You can't trust a person who nods and smiles to your face, then disrespects you the second your back is turned.

She obviously felt that your request was unreasonable. She could have been honest; talked about it with you, asked you to reconsider, sought a compromise. But she didn't.

I would not let it go unaddressed. You need to revise your video policy, and she needs to decide if having your trust is important to her.

Good luck!

#49 MadMarchMasterchef

Posted 05 August 2019 - 10:42 AM

View PostLucrezia Borgia, on 04 August 2019 - 08:29 AM, said:

if she’s not posting it on facebook or insta or similar then i can’t really see the problem.

If you were paranoid about security you may have an issue with the photos going up to the cloud, which could then be hacked. Depends how paranoid you are about your kids having a digital footprint.

Personally I do minimal online media with my kids and Im very conscious about security but I do agree with the sentiment that you need to pick your battles with grandparents and I agree that the footage could become treasured one day down the track.

It is annoying though when people try to do things with your kids behind your back so I get that part of the vent!

#50 Amica

Posted 05 August 2019 - 10:44 AM

OP, are you there?

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