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I can't seem to feel safe that this pregnancy won't end in M/C *TRIGGER warning*

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#1 moineau

Posted 16 July 2019 - 06:44 PM

This is probably going to just come out in a jumble of back and forth style emotive text that doesn't really make too much sense.. But I feel like I need to write this.

I am utterly TERRIFIED of losing this pregnancy. Im only 5 weeks and I can't get it out of my brain.
Every cramp, every tiny little feeling I'm rushing to the bathroom expecting to see blood rushing out.

Im so far from the so called 'safe zone' although my previous 4 miscarriages were all on or after 13 weeks.

I have had one successful pregnancy - my last before now and she is now a happy healthy 7 year old. Unfortunately while pregnant with her my brain didn't seem to assimilate pregnancy to having a baby and I ended up with quite bad PND after she was born and really struggled throughout the first 2 and a half years.

I have had some spotting throughout week 4 (HCG levels were on the rise though).. I wonder if 0ergaps I have convinced myself this isn't going to end well.

I keep googling 'how far along were you when you miscarried' 'what did your miscarriage look like for you' 'When did you feel safe in pregnancy'

It took is 17 months to get out BFP and now I'm in my 30s. I wonder if I feel there is more at stake now? Or because we tried for so long? Even after my previous losses I don't seem to recall feeling quite this scared (no it is actual terror, I am TERRIFIED) with my DD.

I can't help wondering if I am dooming this pregnancy with my thoughts. Failing because I can't see myself ever feeling safe.
I hate the unknown and I'm so annoyed with myself. I thought I would handle it all a lot better now that I'm older. Now that I waited for this BFP to start with.

What if I get PND again because I haven't had faith. What if the moment I start feeling safe I loose it.

Im not sure I can actually do this without triggering a manic episode in myself...

How. How can I feel safe. I need faith I really do but I can't find it.

Edited by moineau, 16 July 2019 - 06:49 PM.

#2 rosie28

Posted 16 July 2019 - 07:01 PM

I hear you. I’m 20 weeks pregnant and had three huge bleeds early on, following two early miscarriages this year. I am petrified, though less so after starting to feel regular movement.

I recommend seeing a perinatal psychologist- make sure to see a specialist as it’s quite a difficult area. It’s hard to feel safe with your history.

#3 Etta

Posted 16 July 2019 - 07:18 PM

I was like you. Once I passed the 12 week scan I was a bit better (I had had two earlier MCs at 6-8 weeks). But I never counted on having a baby until he arrived. Even when we bought the bassinet I kept the mattress wrapped in plastic in case we had to return it.

I have a 12yo now but I still remember not being able to fully enjoy my pregnancy as I wasn't really sure how it would end.

Your fears that it will end in MC probably aren't based on reality - you have had a healthy baby and there doesn't seem any reason you won't have another one. It took me a long time after being pregnant to stop checking the toilet paper for blood every single time. And when I had cramping one night early on I knew (wrongly!) that I was miscarrying.

What I am trying to say is that you may or may not MC (and I really hope that you don't) and the only thing you can really rely on is your fear that it won't end well. But the two aren't connected, as you know from your previous pregnancy.

Can you google some positive stories of pregnancies after miscarriages instead of your current searches? There are many possible endings to your story and not all of them are bad so give yourself a break and research some other possibilities.

#4 Kiwi Bicycle

Posted 16 July 2019 - 07:23 PM

Please talk to someone. My psychiatrist said the stats are a 50% chance of a reoccurrence of PND.
Maybe you need support now?

#5 Lallalla

Posted 16 July 2019 - 08:42 PM

How awful to be so terrified! I think talking to someone qualified is a good idea.

40 weeks is a long time to be terrified of something you can’t control.

#6 GreyhoundLover

Posted 16 July 2019 - 09:37 PM

OP ive had 4 recurrent miscarriages and so I know how you are feeling and it is the pits. Truly awful. And there is very little that helps - the weeks just drag and the anxiety can be crippling. I found regular scans and lots of support from the doctors and your partner helps a lot. I kept focusing on little milestones. High progesterone and doubling hcg. A healthy heartbeat at 6 weeks. My main milestone was 10 weeks as I knew if there was a heartbeat at 10 weeks the chance of miscarriage was 0.6%. Im sorry you are going through this - its such a difficult time.

If I were you I would try and have a scan at 6.5 - 7 weeks and a healthy heartbeat then is very reassuring your pregnancy will continue.

I am now 13 weeks pregnant and I never thought id get there - it does happen. I had spotting at 5 weeks 7weeks and 9weeks and it meant nothing. Dont lose hope xxx

Edited by GreyhoundLover, 16 July 2019 - 09:40 PM.

#7 blackcat20

Posted 17 July 2019 - 02:15 AM

I struggled more than I thought I would. I had bleeding early on (with no obvious cause) and was relieved to make it to the three month mark. But once J started feeling movement it became a constant source of stress; I never realised id spend every day tracking movement. I had one scare then we ended up delivering early due to IUGR. Regular scans are what kept me going.

#8 Minnie80

Posted 18 July 2019 - 06:28 PM

OP, I did not have a miscarriage, but I had a very difficult pregnancy with my first child. I ended up with PROM at 24 weeks. Thankfully, he survived. Naturally, I was terrified in my second pregnancy. I ended up bleeding a lot in the first trimester and was so worried I would PROM again. I think being scared is normal when you have a traumatic experience like a miscarriage. I would say that you will never feel safe until the baby is in your arms. It stinks but it is what it is. Some women have easy breezy pregnancies. And others like us don't.

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