I am utterly TERRIFIED of losing this pregnancy. Im only 5 weeks and I can't get it out of my brain.
Every cramp, every tiny little feeling I'm rushing to the bathroom expecting to see blood rushing out.
Im so far from the so called 'safe zone' although my previous 4 miscarriages were all on or after 13 weeks.
I have had one successful pregnancy - my last before now and she is now a happy healthy 7 year old. Unfortunately while pregnant with her my brain didn't seem to assimilate pregnancy to having a baby and I ended up with quite bad PND after she was born and really struggled throughout the first 2 and a half years.
I have had some spotting throughout week 4 (HCG levels were on the rise though).. I wonder if 0ergaps I have convinced myself this isn't going to end well.
I keep googling 'how far along were you when you miscarried' 'what did your miscarriage look like for you' 'When did you feel safe in pregnancy'
It took is 17 months to get out BFP and now I'm in my 30s. I wonder if I feel there is more at stake now? Or because we tried for so long? Even after my previous losses I don't seem to recall feeling quite this scared (no it is actual terror, I am TERRIFIED) with my DD.
I can't help wondering if I am dooming this pregnancy with my thoughts. Failing because I can't see myself ever feeling safe.
I hate the unknown and I'm so annoyed with myself. I thought I would handle it all a lot better now that I'm older. Now that I waited for this BFP to start with.
What if I get PND again because I haven't had faith. What if the moment I start feeling safe I loose it.
Im not sure I can actually do this without triggering a manic episode in myself...
How. How can I feel safe. I need faith I really do but I can't find it.
Edited by moineau, 16 July 2019 - 06:49 PM.