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Is my brother an idiot?


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16 replies to this topic

#1 Bearynice

Posted 14 July 2019 - 05:36 PM

Deleting as it seems my thoughts seem different to those of EB ( I just posted the question to see what others thought) ... which is totally ok.

I’ll keep my nose out of it.

Edited by Bearynice, 14 July 2019 - 06:28 PM.


#2 José

Posted 14 July 2019 - 05:39 PM

that doesnt sound kind at all.

why do your parents keep doing it? what do they say to him about it?

i really feel like this is their boundary to reinforce.

#3 MooGuru

Posted 14 July 2019 - 05:42 PM

This is the reality for so many of my parents friends.

#4 zenkitty

Posted 14 July 2019 - 05:48 PM

My gut reaction to your title, having three brothers myself, is yes, probably an idiot.

Reading your post, I guess the consideration is how do your parents feel about the visits? If they resent them but don’t want to say anything then maybe have a conversation with him about how tiring the long drive is for them.

My 70+ MIL takes the train then a coach (taking most of a day, the drive is too much for her) to my BIL’s place to babysit grandkids for a week most school holidays. It’s a lot for her to do but she’s an adult and wants to, so I’m not about to tell her or BIL to stop.

#5 Future-self

Posted 14 July 2019 - 05:50 PM

Perhaps but it is your parents relationship to manage.

They probably love spending that quality time with their grand children which is why they do it. And seeing their grandchildren once a month isn't really that often. It is not for you to take that away from them by telling your Bro to stop.

As an aside, getting a babysitter once a month who has to come a long way isn't the easiest of babysitters to get either. So there could very well be a reason why your Bro and SIL can't or don't want to use a paid babysitter for their kids and only trust your parents. You may not be privy to everything and you aren't entitled to be.

Edited by Future-self, 14 July 2019 - 05:59 PM.


#6 Ruf~Feral~es

Posted 14 July 2019 - 05:52 PM

I think it depends what your parents think of it?

I know when my parents used to come to visit, they LOVED thier time with the grandkids without DH and I around.  They were always telling us to go out to dinner, go to the movies, go to a pub or shopping for the afternoon.  

They loved spoiling them and giving them treats, without me around.  

THey even once paid for DH and I to go away for a whole weekend, and they babysat for us.

I would spend time with them too - breakfasts, lunch etc.  But I used to joke that they preferred their grandkids to their own daughter, and they jokingly agreed.

IF your parents are happy, enjoying their unimpeded time with their grandkids, and are happy to do it  - then that's fine.

#7 rosie28

Posted 14 July 2019 - 06:08 PM

I guess it depends what your parents think of it, but it would be nice if they were invited for their own sake, to spend time with the family, rather than just for babysitting. Your brother is probably an idiot and at the very best a bit of a user.

#8 IamtheMumma

Posted 14 July 2019 - 06:11 PM

Like the others have said, depends on how your parents feel. You might see your brother using your parents and it being too much. To your parents, it could be something they look forward to each month.

#9 daisy007

Posted 14 July 2019 - 06:17 PM

Yes like others, I think I depends on how your parents feel about it. If they enjoy it then it’s ok but if the resent it, find it difficult and don’t enjoy it then yeah your brother is a selfish idiot.

#10 Nobodyelse

Posted 14 July 2019 - 06:17 PM

There isn't enough information to really know. I know it can be really hard to get away when you have small kids. Weekends can quickly fill up with swimming lessons and kids parties and other errands and life stuff. It can be a couple of months before I have any decent slabs of free time to drive 5 hours return anywhere plus visiting time.

Perhaps the babysitting is a guise to get your parents to visit on a regular basis because they they said they told him that they were imposing.

Perhaps, your parents put the suggestion to him that they look to combine their visits with an event to give them a chance to get out - especially if they have limited family support where they are.

As a pp suggested, perhaps they feel uncomfortable with strangers or teenagers watching the kids.

Perhaps your parents are trying to do as much of the travelling as they can while they still can because they know there will be a time soon when they won't be able see the kids as often.

Perhaps they don't like your brother or SIL and this is the perfect way to see the kids without having to spend time talking cr@p with their son.

Or perhaps he's a user.

Whatever the arrangment, it is up to your parents to manage. I wouldn't be sticking my nose in and risking reducing their access to their grandkids.

#11 WannabeMasterchef

Posted 14 July 2019 - 06:23 PM

Depends how your parents feel about it I guess.

Mine have helped me out watching my kids for various urgent things like dentist appointment but I go out of my way not to inconvenience them - I take the kids to them and provide packed lunch and toys etc. I would personally feel like a user expecting them to drive a long way then going out.

#12 ~J_F~

Posted 14 July 2019 - 06:30 PM

As has already been said it’s up to your parents to manage.

My relationship is very different to my brothers with my parents. Neither is right or wrong.

I am your brother in this situation. My parents look after my kids but there are additional needs in our family and we are limited on carers we trust. I would be incredibly upset to think that my sibling thought I was an idiot because my relationship was different to theirs with our parents.

#13 Bearynice

Posted 14 July 2019 - 06:33 PM

View Post~J_WTF~, on 14 July 2019 - 06:30 PM, said:

As has already been said it’s up to your parents to manage.

My relationship is very different to my brothers with my parents. Neither is right or wrong.

I am your brother in this situation. My parents look after my kids but there are additional needs in our family and we are limited on carers we trust. I would be incredibly upset to think that my sibling thought I was an idiot because my relationship was different to theirs with our parents.

Oh that’s a totally different situation.... I understand your need for reliable trust worthy carers.

#14 born.a.girl

Posted 14 July 2019 - 06:37 PM

View PostNobodyelse, on 14 July 2019 - 06:17 PM, said:

There isn't enough information to really know. I know it can be really hard to get away when you have small kids. Weekends can quickly fill up with swimming lessons and kids parties and other errands and life stuff. It can be a couple of months before I have any decent slabs of free time to drive 5 hours return anywhere plus visiting time.

Perhaps the babysitting is a guise to get your parents to visit on a regular basis because they they said they told him that they were imposing.

Perhaps, your parents put the suggestion to him that they look to combine their visits with an event to give them a chance to get out - especially if they have limited family support where they are.

As a pp suggested, perhaps they feel uncomfortable with strangers or teenagers watching the kids.

Perhaps your parents are trying to do as much of the travelling as they can while they still can because they know there will be a time soon when they won't be able see the kids as often.

Perhaps they don't like your brother or SIL and this is the perfect way to see the kids without having to spend time talking cr@p with their son.

Or perhaps he's a user.

Whatever the arrangment, it is up to your parents to manage. I wouldn't be sticking my nose in and risking reducing their access to their grandkids.


All of this, but particularly the bolded bit.

It's not something that would have occurred to me during my thirties and forties.  It didn't even occur to me during my fifites.

It's only now at 66, that I can actually measure my drop in mobility each year (despite all the yoga and pilates) that I stop to think 'how long can I keep this up for?', about all sorts of things: overseas travel (maybe ten years), driving (who knows), looking after grandchildren (who knows).

#15 Bearynice

Posted 14 July 2019 - 06:58 PM

Please don’t quote this. I’d like this topic closed now

#16 born.a.girl

Posted 14 July 2019 - 07:11 PM

Removing the thread title and replacing with an ellipsis is probably the quickest way to get the attention of the mods, other than emailing then.

#17 lucky 2

Posted 14 July 2019 - 07:44 PM

I stumbled across this thread and can see the OP would like it closed. :)




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