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My husband wants to end our marriage (faith section)

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#26 Sweet.Pea

Posted 26 July 2019 - 09:04 AM

View Postjust roses, on 25 July 2019 - 09:16 PM, said:

Thinking of you, OP.

As far as certainty goes, your DH doesn’t seem to be able to give you any. But that doesn’t mean you can’t set some limits.

Set a timeframe. Decide when you’ll move on. Tell him, but matter-of-factly, not as a threat. If there’s a chance he’ll come back, it might just prompt him. But if he’s just stalling because he wants to end things but doesn’t have the guts, he wasn’t going to come back anyway. And you’ll have some certainty.

You’re doing really well.

This is good advice.

I think the longer he holds you in limbo, the more resentment you will have toward him if you do get back together.

It could then be you breaking it off or staying in a marriage you aren't happy in.

#27 robhat

Posted 26 July 2019 - 09:57 AM

I'm going to suggest what might be slightly unpopular here, but I think your husband's depression is causing way more of this than anyone realises. I'm not making an excuse for him, because horrible as depression is, he still needs to take some responsibility for dealing with it, which it seems he's not. But I think it's probably important to consider that it will be near impossible to fix any issues with your marriage without dealing with the depression appropriately first. Doesn't change much because if he's refusing to deal with the depression, you're still in the same situation and you may still end up with the marriage ending. All I'm saying is that nearly everything you describe about his attitudes etc sounds exactly like depression. I know because I've had it and felt as your husband does about a lot of things (not loving anyone, wanting out and thinking friends are harassing).

You could try changing tactics and rather than demand that he work on the relationship, which definitely needs to be done and you need and the kids need, you may instead try letting him have space from that and getting the depression under control. But as others have suggested, do set some boundaries and a time frame. I'd get a psychologists input on this to see what is reasonable and feasible. You also have the right though to make choices that are best for you and your kids. Even though your husband does appear depressed and in need of help, it doesn't necessarily follow that you can or should be the one to put up with him, especially if he's not letting anyone help him.

#28 justbreath

Posted 26 July 2019 - 06:33 PM

robhat I very much agree with you as does everyone around him. The problem is he thinks any potential “depression” is actually due to me. I know it sounds irrational but he truely truely believes this. He can’t see that his thinking is distorted at all.

#29 justbreath

Posted 27 July 2019 - 11:43 PM

I had my first overnight away from the kids last night. I left and stayed at a family members house as he wanted to keep the boys in their own environment. I agreed but I am concerned that it’s going to be confusing for them that dad came “home” just for a night.
I thought I would be sad and lonely on my own but I enjoyed it. I slept in until 9am!!!
We had a bit of a chat and he has booked an appointment to see a psychologist. It seems to be more a “tick the box” thing rather than really feeling it’s needed but I am still very thankful.

#30 Sancti-claws

Posted 28 July 2019 - 08:59 AM

View Postjustbreath, on 27 July 2019 - 11:43 PM, said:

We had a bit of a chat and he has booked an appointment to see a psychologist. It seems to be more a “tick the box” thing rather than really feeling it’s needed but I am still very thankful.
He may well have his eyes opened a bit if the psych is of any value - it may well be highlighted that he cannot blame you for where he is at mentally.

#31 Melbs2010

Posted 28 July 2019 - 09:39 AM

Maybe I say this with the perspective of a bitter divorced person but it makes me slightly angry reading about your limbo OP.  Yes he has depression but he's refusing to treat it.  Worse still he's blaming you for it.  He's also getting to drift in and out of his kids lives it seems and leave the burden of parenting to you while he "decides what he wants."

It's a bit ultimatum like but he needs to understand the reality of what this current limbo is doing to your mental health and the emotional upset your kids are going through.  Your kids are probably so ecstatic to see him that he gets to avoid the fallout entirely.  And so has no idea the effect it has on them no matter how you might try to explain it to him.

The previous posters advice was excellent.  You need to set a time line for him to make a decision.  If not for you then for your kids.  Because they need a healthy Mum to see them through this and as long as you are living in uncertainty it's so hard to look after your own emotional well being.

#32 justbreath

Posted 28 July 2019 - 09:47 AM

Thanks Melbs, I do totally see your perspective. It is logical and seems right and fair. My issue is that I really want to save my marriage and if I push things at the moment then the outcome will either be he will leave because he feels pressured and trapped OR he will stay, but only because he felt pressured and trapped. I don’t really want either :(

The kids are definitely suffering. The youngest is always excited to see him (he’s only 2) but the other two are definitely making known their unhappiness so I don’t think he’s getting off completely there. I know he misses them. At the same time I do agree there has to be a limit on time. I’ve been thinking about this a lot. It’s very hard to set a firm limit. Like do I set a limit on “you have to make your mind up if you’re in or out by this date” or do I have a looser limit that says he has to be seeking help for his depression and actively working on the marriage by a certain date even if he is still “undecided” if he wants in. It is so hard to know what is right.

#33 Expelliarmus

Posted 28 July 2019 - 10:10 AM

I would go for the ‘in or out by a certain date’ option rather than ‘working on it’ because the second option is not actually a limit. He can say he’s working on it and pretend all around that concept indefinitely.

I tried that and it did NOT do me any favours. Having said that, I needed to go through the mess of ‘working on it’ before I could make the decision to go ‘in or out’. I never would have been able to accept ‘in or out’ without the endless ‘working on it’ opportunities.

#34 justbreath

Posted 28 July 2019 - 10:46 AM

Expelliarmus I can really relate to that. I am not ready for in or out because I wouldn’t be able to live with the regret that I had not given it enough time. I’m not sure exactly when that time will come but I feel like I have to be content in myself and with God that I have given it enough time before I could put forward the in or out option.
I kind of feel like if left to him he would maybe just let it die a slow death. Nothing would really ever be resolved or discussed, the marriage would just fade away with increasing distance through the separation. Maybe when he or I met someone else it would then come to finality.

I think my focus at the moment needs to be living today and not thinking about him making decisions or us working on things. I think living as if we will remain separated indefinitely (obviously with the exception of other relationships!) will help me to be able to move forward and plan for my future in some simple ways. Plan a holiday away with the kids, or a garden project or some kind of redecorating or whatever. Just basically moving forward and living without living constantly on hold. It reminds me of TTC and not wanting to plan a holiday or big event “in case” you get pregnant and then needing to get to the point of just living life and working out the future when/if it changes.

#35 Expelliarmus

Posted 28 July 2019 - 11:00 AM

Absolutely. I definitely couldn’t ‘give up’ on the marriage or ‘stop working in it’ until I felt I had done everything I could. I also couldn’t be the one to end it - I came to be at peace with getting divorced but only at the point where he did it. I do not have recorded anywhere that I wanted a divorce. I did not stand in his way when he sought one, but I refused to sign it as a joint application. (And refused therefore to pay for it.)

So basically I never actually had a time limit. And many people find that unfathomable but it worked for me. By the time he decided to divorce I had come to terms with everything - but I spent a lot of time healing from it spiritually afterwards.

#36 justbreath

Posted 28 July 2019 - 11:09 AM

I can totally understand and respect that.
Divorce is not what I want. I believe any marriage is salvageable where both people are willing. I know that it may be out of my hands and may happen even if it isn’t what I want BUT I currently couldn’t live with the idea of being the one to give it finality. Especially when he hasn’t outright said he is done. If he says he is done then I won’t stand in his way but I also won’t give that my blessing

#37 robhat

Posted 28 July 2019 - 12:17 PM

View Postjustbreath, on 26 July 2019 - 06:33 PM, said:

robhat I very much agree with you as does everyone around him. The problem is he thinks any potential “depression” is actually due to me. I know it sounds irrational but he truely truely believes this. He can’t see that his thinking is distorted at all.

Yes, it's irrational, that's what depression does. Unfortunately it's something that he has to choose to deal with, or not. It's also likely that he finds it easier to blame you than acknowledge that there may be something wrong within himself and that he has to do the work to fix it.

Your choice is simply to decide how long you want to wait to see if anything improves. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer for that either, it's very personal. And there is no guarantee that anything will improve. I think you know that though.

Just take your time. Make the choices you think you need to make and know that God will hold you through it.

#38 justbreath

Posted 28 July 2019 - 08:52 PM

Yeah I think at the moment the right choice is wait. Some days that is easier than others. Today I feel content and strong but tomorrow I might be a sobbing mess. Emotions are exhausting.

#39 Ellie bean

Posted 28 July 2019 - 09:48 PM

I really feel for you justbreath.

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