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Husband has his heart set on Peter... I don't like it. HALP!


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#76 born.a.girl

Posted 09 July 2019 - 09:06 AM

View PostKreme, on 09 July 2019 - 08:01 AM, said:

As I said, I am sentimental. For me, the tradition and my DH’s feelings would outweigh the name choice unless it was something that would make people gasp with horror, which clearly Peter would not.

I know a couple of people who have been faced with this same decision and they’ve all opted for the family name and none of them regrets it. Certainly one little boy tells everyone the story of his name, and loves it.


It does for the OP though - she loathes it.  It's not just 'out there' names that we can dislike.

We've also had stories in this thread of people intensely disliking the fact that they've been given an old fashioned family name.

My grandmother got to name me, and she gave me the name she'd have given if she had a second girl.  Not only that, gave me my mother's even more old fashioned name as my second.

I have siblings with second names like John, Mary, James etc and here I am stuck with two dinosaur names (although the second has come back, but only abbreviated).

#77 born.a.girl

Posted 09 July 2019 - 09:09 AM

View PostNeedSleepNow, on 09 July 2019 - 08:21 AM, said:

Another vote for using either Peter or Robin as a middle name, depending on which your DH feels most strongly about. I understand sentimentality and tradition, but realistically naming a boy Peter Robin DHSurname is only meaningful and sentimental to one parent... There is nothing of her preferences, family background, or own sentimentality in there, and I can’t really grasp how that sits right. For DH and I, we knew babies would get his surname, so for him meaning/sentimentality was already ticked off (I’m assuming her DH and his father also shared a surname) and then I picked one name with meaning/sentimentality to me, and then we picked a name we both just liked. 1 child had the name with meaning to me as the first name, the other 2 it fit better as a middle name.

Perhaps if it means that much to her DH to have a son called Peter Robin, he would call him Peter Robin DWSurname....somehow I doubt it. My father died when I was pregnant with my first son, so I get the emotion...and my fathers name is DS1’s middle name. I got to ’honour’ him but didn’t see it as my right to suddenly have the whole name taken with little consideration for my DH’s feelings.


Good point. The connection's already there for his side of the family.

Indeed on the surname, as I mentioned earlier.  I do actually think she needs to suggest this (even if not intending to go through with it) to show him just how much of 'him' would be going into the name, and how little of 'her'.

#78 MsLaurie

Posted 09 July 2019 - 09:31 AM

You have to tell your husband now- before you find out the sex- that you understand and respect his family traditions but it doesn’t sit right with you for none of your child’s names to be your choice or reflect your taste or family. And you have to let him know that Peter is not a name you want for a first name.
Honestly I would also rule out Peta for a girl as that would almost be like rubbing salt in the wound of breaking the tradition.
Choose something you both like for a first name. And then maybe select (together!) one of the family names from his side for a middle for a boy, and a family name from your side for a girl? One person and family can’t totally have say over naming, it’s too important and if you really dislike the name it will annoy you forever.

#79 Nomoreboys

Posted 09 July 2019 - 09:41 AM

Italian version? Pietro...beautiful!
All names IMO sound so much more beautiful in Italian.
Giovanni
Arturo
Vincenzo
Marco
Roberto

It's a compromise I guess and you don't have to have a cultural association. I have taught many children with gorgeous Italian names whose parents just liked the sound of the name.

#80 MooGuru

Posted 09 July 2019 - 10:44 AM

View PostKiwi Bicycle, on 09 July 2019 - 08:35 AM, said:

I understand how the OP can like Peta and not Peter. Peta can have more emphasis on the a at the end Pet-ta and not the "er" Peter has. Makes it totally different. Make it Petra and is even more different.

I get that what you like can be random and that there's a difference (although having said that I have a Pete, Peta and Peter in my social group and 9/10 there's no obviously noticeable difference in pronunciation then when they clarify it's an exaggerated Pe-TA or Pe-TER).

I'm just thinking if I was the husband and had my heart set on this name and my partner loathed it but was absolutely fine with it for a girl I'd feel confused,  question if they really loathed the name and I think given her DH is feeling emotional and is grieving the likelihood of resentment is really high if the OP doesn't show him she's actively considering the name and being able to articulate what she doesn't like about it is a way of doing that.  

TBH if the liking Peta Robyn came about after finding out it was a boy i'd be a little worried that it might be subconsciously a hope that DH will agree to not use the name because the next baby could definitely be Peta Robyn then when the time comes OP coming back with turns out she loathes Peta Robyn too.

I absolutely don't think the OP should call her child Peter Robin if she hates the name.

#81 Hypnic Jerk

Posted 09 July 2019 - 11:00 AM

I think NSN has it right - the sentimentality is there for one parent only.  There are so many ways of honnoring people and many variants of names.

DH wanted to honnor MY parents in our kids names (to which I just rolled my eyes).  In the end, DS got my dad's middle name as his middle name, Michael, my father is known as Mick (his first name is the same as my Granddad's first name.  I suggested an non-family name and DH liked it straight away.

But DD was named after my mother, again at DH's insistence but I don't particularly like my mum's name, or her middle name (the name of her aunt) so we settled on a variant, which isn't that great either.  She goes by her middle name, which we all like, which is a variant of my grandmother's middle name, Mavis.  To which Nanna responded with "It's a horrible name".  We were like :omg: "But we've named her after you!!"

Point being, family names are fraught!!  Choose something you like.

#82 Gudrun

Posted 09 July 2019 - 11:06 AM

View PostNeedSleepNow, on 09 July 2019 - 08:21 AM, said:

Another vote for using either Peter or Robin as a middle name, depending on which your DH feels most strongly about. I understand sentimentality and tradition, but realistically naming a boy Peter Robin DHSurname is only meaningful and sentimental to one parent... There is nothing of her preferences, family background, or own sentimentality in there, and I can’t really grasp how that sits right. For DH and I, we knew babies would get his surname, so for him meaning/sentimentality was already ticked off (I’m assuming her DH and his father also shared a surname) and then I picked one name with meaning/sentimentality to me, and then we picked a name we both just liked. 1 child had the name with meaning to me as the first name, the other 2 it fit better as a middle name.

Perhaps if it means that much to her DH to have a son called Peter Robin, he would call him Peter Robin DWSurname....somehow I doubt it. My father died when I was pregnant with my first son, so I get the emotion...and my fathers name is DS1’s middle name. I got to ’honour’ him but didn’t see it as my right to suddenly have the whole name taken with little consideration for my DH’s feelings.

Well said NSN.  Exactly this.

#83 moineau

Posted 09 July 2019 - 12:22 PM

View Postdeedee15, on 08 July 2019 - 08:53 PM, said:

Sorry but his dad has died and you knew what was coming if you had kids together, it’s rather mean to suddenly decide his choice isn’t even in the running if it’s a boy.
Was his father known by any other names you could use instead?

We've been trying for over a year, I knew that he wanted to carry on the tradition, and have been very clear about my thoughts on really disliking the name.
Through these discussions, he has also mentioned that he really dislikes Anne (my family middle name every woman in the last 4 generations has this encorporated into their middle names) - So I've taken it off the table.

I discussed the option of Piers with him last night and he didn't mind it - especially considering that's the English version (his dad was British) So there is an option.

We don't even know the sex yet, I've just been considering his want to call a child we had together Peter and can picture Peta, but not Peter.

I also really do not have a good relationship with his family. I greatly dislike sharing my DH's surname.
Perhaps that could be something that is attributing to my mindset naming this child if a boy 100% after someone in his family who do not treat me overly nicely.

I'm really torn between sticking to my guns and making him happy, he really loved his Dad.

Part of our conversation last night was that I haven't pushed for Patricia's name (my deceased mother) nor Anne and I really need him to consider options he is happy with.

#84 maryanneK

Posted 09 July 2019 - 01:57 PM

My DH actually had the same sort of naming tradition - by rights, our son should have had DH's first name as his middle name, just like DH has his dad's first name as HIS middle name, and so on.

I was fine with giving our son DH's first name as a middle name, if the tradition was important to him. I dont like the name but as a middle name it doesnt matter to me, because I am very sentimental and traditional and if it was MY family tradition I would want it honoured.

Fortunately DH hates his name and didnt want our son to have anything to do with it - so that was that!

#85 Gudrun

Posted 09 July 2019 - 02:24 PM

He loved his dad. That's expected. So something from him. You're here now and I assume he loves you and you are a whole lot more than an incubator for his family.

Be fair but stick to your guns or you will surely regret it.

You are considering him and he needs to consider you (even if his family doesn't). It's meant to be an equal partnership.



#86 Lucrezia Bauble

Posted 09 July 2019 - 02:26 PM

once he is born this is a name that you’re going to utter at least every day for the rest of your life....make sure it’s one you like.


#87 newmumandexcited

Posted 09 July 2019 - 02:32 PM

Peter... well the most that can be said is it’s uncommon.

Edited by newmumandexcited, 09 July 2019 - 02:32 PM.


#88 born.a.girl

Posted 09 July 2019 - 04:44 PM

View Postnewmumandexcited, on 09 July 2019 - 02:32 PM, said:

Peter... well the most that can be said is it’s uncommon.


Unless you're 55 - 75, in which case it's a toss of the coin. :)


It will come back, but it's a grandparent name right now.

#89 kerilyntaryn

Posted 09 July 2019 - 04:44 PM

I think it's not right that you have had to bow out on using Anne as a name, but he is adament on Peter

#90 FearsomeFeralFreak

Posted 09 July 2019 - 05:51 PM

Oh please. He has the surname. Why the hell does he think its ok to demand both names.
You do not exist simply to provide him with a son and heir, born to reflect the history of his family and his alone.
Your likes, dislikes and traditions mean just as much - even more so with the first name as he has the last!
Some men sh*t me to tears....

#91 JBH

Posted 09 July 2019 - 06:12 PM

You know, even though I don’t think he can dictate the name, and even though I think it’s unfair to use his family names for first name and last name, I do have a lot more sympathy for his position in wanting a link to his deceased father than I would if he just wanted to do this because of a tradition.  The thing is, he has strong positive connotations with the name Peter, and you don’t. I like it myself, but that’s entirely irrelevant. I wonder if he might be more amenable to a discussion that doesn’t focus on your dislike for the name. That is, you could explain to him that his father Peter was a pivotal person in his life, and so close to him and to the rest of his family, that it is a name that comes with big expectations, and that you’d like to give your son a name that feels more “his”, and doesn’t encourage comparisons with his grandfather. But I might do that in conjunction with offering up Peter as a middle name...

#92 Meepy

Posted 09 July 2019 - 06:19 PM

Unreasonable for him to insist on his names but that you give up on the one middle name for a girl.  Needs negotiation rather than one person getting their own way.

#93 FearsomeFeralFreak

Posted 09 July 2019 - 06:29 PM

View PostJBH, on 09 July 2019 - 06:12 PM, said:

You know, even though I don’t think he can dictate the name, and even though I think it’s unfair to use his family names for first name and last name, I do have a lot more sympathy for his position in wanting a link to his deceased father than I would if he just wanted to do this because of a tradition.  The thing is, he has strong positive connotations with the name Peter, and you don’t. I like it myself, but that’s entirely irrelevant. I wonder if he might be more amenable to a discussion that doesn’t focus on your dislike for the name. That is, you could explain to him that his father Peter was a pivotal person in his life, and so close to him and to the rest of his family, that it is a name that comes with big expectations, and that you’d like to give your son a name that feels more “his”, and doesn’t encourage comparisons with his grandfather. But I might do that in conjunction with offering up Peter as a middle name...

I get he loved his father, I really do. Just like many people love their parents. He is still missing the oh so important point that this child has a mother who also has a say in the lives of the children she will bare. 18th century beliefs on the absolute power of fatherhood and the 'ownership' of children belong in the 18th century.

I think the OP should just be honest and not pussyfoot around with a whole lot of BS. She doesn't like the name. Full stop. End of story.

Edited by FearsomeFeralFreak, 09 July 2019 - 06:29 PM.


#94 Jane Jinglebells

Posted 09 July 2019 - 06:41 PM

When DH and I were discussing names for DD1 (boys' and girls' - we didn't find out till she was born cause the little bugger crossed her legs during the ultrasounds) I suggested my maternal grandmother's name, Violet.

We both loved the name - it's DD1's middle name now - but DH strongly felt that each individual in a family should have their own name, as to be just one in a series really subsumed their identity. He said that he didn't like first names being family names because it wasn't fair to each individual.

Could that argument possibly help convince your DH? It sure worked on me. And DD1 has Violet as her middle name, and DD2 a middle name important to MIL (which was my decision, albeit made by somebody who'd just spawned a kid and was in the process of spectacular blood loss at the time, lol).

#95 Inkogneatoh

Posted 09 July 2019 - 07:27 PM

View Postmoineau, on 08 July 2019 - 01:43 PM, said:

I would absolutely consider a double barrel middle name.

His sisters have both had boys and neither of them used Peter.

One sister used Peter as a middle name, but my Dh's view is that his sisters kids don't have the 'family surname'

GAH.

My Mum used the "he's getting your surname" to over ride the historical first name choice in my Dad's family. They weren't married, so it was a case of your last name or the first name, take a pick.

In our case the name is Fredrick. My grandfather was Fredrick John, but was known by all, including his siblings as Jack, and my Dad's youngest brother went by his middle name. It was at the funerals for both I found out their "real" names. My brother ended up with a neutral first name and a version of my Mum's Dad's name as his middle name. I'm about 70% sure he only got the middle name he did to annoy my Aunt.


View PostBadCat, on 08 July 2019 - 06:19 PM, said:

In all honesty, I'd flat out refuse. Politely, but firmly.

His tradition does not get to overrule your taste.  He and his family will get over it.

Over 35 years later and my Dad's childless sister still has issues. I'm older, and apparently using Fredrick wasn't a consideration for my parents if I'd been a boy. I suspect this kicked her into overdrive on the subject, and my brother being the only boy, kind of cemented her disappointment.

OP - I agree fight for your opinion to be heard. Stick to your compromises. I have no real opinions on the names, other than I wouldn't use them myself, purely because others in the family have (I was about 8 when I declared I'd never use Robert as a name due to how many there are).

Personally, I'd use the Spiderman movies as an extra argument against it. At work I knew a little boy who got the traditional family first name. It was at least his father and grandfathers. However he was also named in the midst of Twilight movie mania, and as Mum was a going to the midnight screenings type of fan, then that *MUST* be why *SHE* chose that name. Even those who knew her husband, and father in law, still jumped to the movie reference first, and it annoyed her greatly.

#96 JBH

Posted 09 July 2019 - 07:31 PM

View PostFearsomeFeralFreak, on 09 July 2019 - 06:29 PM, said:



I get he loved his father, I really do. Just like many people love their parents. He is still missing the oh so important point that this child has a mother who also has a say in the lives of the children she will bare. 18th century beliefs on the absolute power of fatherhood and the 'ownership' of children belong in the 18th century.

I think the OP should just be honest and not pussyfoot around with a whole lot of BS. She doesn't like the name. Full stop. End of story.

But your point about the patriarchy is entirely consistent with what I have said, and I don’t disagree with you about the outcome. It’s just that I save my blunt “end of” type reaction for “this is what boys are called in my family and that’s the way it is going to be” and allow for a more sensitive approach for “honouring my departed father is important to me and I had got used to the idea we would based on an unreasonable assumption and now need some time to come around to the idea it isn’t reasonable especially when this baby will have his surname”.

#97 teddyandarnie

Posted 09 July 2019 - 11:37 PM

If you don't like the name, you don't like the name. I agree with PP's about using one of them as a middle name and choosing a name you both love as a first name, because as has been said - the child will get DHs surname.

In my own instance - my Dad died halfway through my pregnancy with my first and I considered asking DP if we could change the middle name from the one we'd chosen before we'd even fallen pregnant to dad's MN. I decided not to, because a) it didn't sound right with the first name, and b) I knew I'd get another chance to honor my dad if I chose to - if this bub is a boy he'll have dad's MN and a name DP has picked as the first name.

Compromise has to be made somewhere, especially as you've taken one of your own family names off the table.

#98 Ellie bean

Posted 09 July 2019 - 11:41 PM

Stick to your guns!

#99 CallMeFeral

Posted 10 July 2019 - 12:50 AM

View PostGudrun, on 08 July 2019 - 06:15 PM, said:

I don't mind Peter but the idea of a male parent deciding their child has to have all their names from his side regardless of the mother just says only the males matter.

This drives me crazy too. It's like we are just penis incubators, our only value being to bake the next male heir. Bullsh*t.

View Postrosie28, on 08 July 2019 - 06:34 PM, said:

I’ve just had two friends go through this situation. One agreed to her husband’s choice of first name provided her surname was used, and wow did he back away fast.

I did this with DH - he desperately wanted his mums name as one of DD's middle names, I thought it was unfair that he got surname AND middle from his family, so I said he could do that as long as she could have my last name. To be fair he was fine with it, but the 4yo got upset that her baby sister wouldn't have the same surname as her, so I caved and she has two middle names.

Men expecting every name of the child to be a testament to their family is bullsh*t. If he's sentimental about first-middle being linked to his dad, hopefully he's amenable to the last name being your choice?

#100 Hypnic Jerk

Posted 10 July 2019 - 06:30 AM

“Because tradition”

“I’d like to start a new tradition “




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