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Visitors over due date, am I being unreasonable?


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#1 Bugster

Posted 18 June 2019 - 03:22 AM

We live overseas from our families (both mine & hubbys family are in Australia). We are expecting a new baby on 21st December, it’s not our first baby but our others were born in Australia so first time we have been this far away.

I will be home birthing as it’s the norm here and I have very fast labour’s.

Family have requested to stay from early dec till early jan. Hubby I think would be happy for them to stay but deferred to me as he wants me to be comfortable. I requested no visitors before my due date and if family really wants to be here for Xmas day then perhaps they could just come a few days before Xmas but  they would need to stay in a hotel for the first week (in case I go overdue, I have gone overdue before but also gone early before too).

I am a very private introvert and can think of nothing worse then someone in my space when I go into labour who isn’t hubby. I get anxiety at the thought that I might go into labour in public.

Is it okay to restrict visitors/request they stay at hotel etc? Or should I suck it up? What is fair?

#2 livingos

Posted 18 June 2019 - 03:58 AM

Nope not being unreasonable.
I gave birth to my first with no family about (.neither of our home countries). MIL came to visit the week after and she stayed in a hotel around the corner. Our place was way to small and we needed some privacy to get used to the new status quo.

2nd time my mum came stay but by then we moved to Dh's country. She is good with boundaries. I didn't qualify for a homebirth so had to go to the hospital which makes it much different to.your situation.

bottom line is do what is best for you. Good luck.

#3 SplashingRainbows

Posted 18 June 2019 - 04:42 AM

You’re not being unreasonable. I wouldn’t be ok with people in my house before or after. Visiting is fine but staying there - no I couldn’t cope.

#4 Mollyksy

Posted 18 June 2019 - 04:52 AM

Oh gosh no, you are so not overreacting. Visitors in town maybe but not at the house for a home birth. Hotel def and not just the first week, give yourself a week or two post birth as well. Do you need the family to look after your older kids during the birth? If so, be very specific about the rules while you are labouring/birthing as the last thing you want is "oh kid said he wanted to go home" and them in the house looking after the kids.

All the very best with your pregnancy and birth!

#5 McG2013

Posted 18 June 2019 - 05:04 AM

Not unreasonable at all. I'd say sorry no house guests during the entire period.

As a fellow introvert also living overseas, it was my worst nightmare going into labour with my first with my aunt and uncle here after my mother convinced them I had asked them to be here and convinced me they really wanted to be here. I had gone over so didn't think they'd be here during labour.

I'm having a homebirth this time too and if anyone knocks on the door, I've told DH they're not to set foot in the house. Don't care who they are.

Edited by McG2013, 18 June 2019 - 05:05 AM.


#6 born.a.girl

Posted 18 June 2019 - 06:15 AM

Hell would freeze over before I would allow visitors in the house, in your shoes.


I think you've offered a very reasonable compromise, suggesting they be in the area, but staying separately.

#7 Abernathy

Posted 18 June 2019 - 06:30 AM

You are being completely reasonable!!

#8 WaitForMe

Posted 18 June 2019 - 06:40 AM

For a home birth, you are being beyond reasonable! Do they understand its a home birth?

Even for a hospital birth, how you feel would be understandable although a tricky situation when you live overseas.

I really think that all goes away for a home birth though.

#9 Holidayromp

Posted 18 June 2019 - 06:48 AM

I would be putting a blanket ban over both December and January.

Call me cynical but over excited relos and impending birth makes them lose all sense of reason and instead a blanket of entitled selfishness envelops them.

Even if you manage to convince them to stay elsewhere its going to be hard fending them off when they overstep the boundaries and they will.

It won’t be easy when you are in the trenches, leaking from both ends, hormonal, exhausted and in survival mode.

They don’t need to be there.

This sort of thread has been doing the rounds for awhile and there have been some horror stories as a result.

As long as your DH remains firmly in the corner then that’s half your battle but as family pressure and excitement intensified its hard for even the most dedicated husband to remain on the same page.

#10 Bugster

Posted 18 June 2019 - 06:50 AM

Mollksy luckily no help is needed for the older kids.

McG2013 oh that would be horrible! Definitely only midwife allowed in my house in December.


View PostWaitForMe, on 18 June 2019 - 06:40 AM, said:

For a home birth, you are being beyond reasonable! Do they understand its a home birth?

Even for a hospital birth, how you feel would be understandable although a tricky situation when you live overseas.

I really think that all goes away for a home birth though.
Yes they know it’s a home birth, they say they understand how I feel but are still constantly asking/justifying and generally it feels like they are trying to guilt me into saying ‘it’s okay’ which I won’t do.

#11 Bugster

Posted 18 June 2019 - 06:59 AM

View PostHolidayromp, on 18 June 2019 - 06:48 AM, said:

I would be putting a blanket ban over both December and January.

Call me cynical but over excited relos and impending birth makes them lose all sense of reason and instead a blanket of entitled selfishness envelops them.

Even if you manage to convince them to stay elsewhere its going to be hard fending them off when they overstep the boundaries and they will.

It won’t be easy when you are in the trenches, leaking from both ends, hormonal, exhausted and in survival mode.

They don’t need to be there.

This sort of thread has been doing the rounds for awhile and there have been some horror stories as a result.

As long as your DH remains firmly in the corner then that’s half your battle but as family pressure and excitement intensified its hard for even the most dedicated husband to remain on the same page.

Yes this is my worry. This particular relative has form with being pushy and possessive and overstepping boundaries with baby’s/children. I am very happy to enforce my boundaries and have previously with them I just can’t deal with someone in my space as I prepare for/give birth I need to be able to focus totally on me. Once I am a couple days post birth I am okay.

DH is repeating constantly that this is what we both want but I know he isn’t fussed himself but is trying for me.

Thanks ladies I just wanted to be sure I wasn’t unjustified in my thoughts, sometimes it can be hard to see if you are being crazy in your logic when you are this close to the situation

#12 JomoMum

Posted 18 June 2019 - 07:14 AM

View Postborn.a.girl, on 18 June 2019 - 06:15 AM, said:

Hell would freeze over before I would allow visitors in the house, in your shoes.

I think you've offered a very reasonable compromise, suggesting they be in the area, but staying separately.

This!

#13 MsLaurie

Posted 18 June 2019 - 07:22 AM

Is a possible factor in their desire to stay with you a cost issue? Hotels etc are always so expensive over Christmas/New Year, perhaps they’re trying to manage that, and of course they will have also paid peak time prices for flights... doesn’t mean they should stay with you, but might be a reason they’re being a bit pushy.

#14 Holidayromp

Posted 18 June 2019 - 07:35 AM

View PostMsLaurie, on 18 June 2019 - 07:22 AM, said:

Is a possible factor in their desire to stay with you a cost issue? Hotels etc are always so expensive over Christmas/New Year, perhaps they’re trying to manage that, and of course they will have also paid peak time prices for flights... doesn’t mean they should stay with you, but might be a reason they’re being a bit pushy.

They don’t have to come.

#15 Caribou

Posted 18 June 2019 - 07:48 AM

Not unreasonable at all. I like you need my private time! Especially during such a raw moment.

They can wait until Jan.

#16 **Xena**

Posted 18 June 2019 - 07:54 AM

I wouldn't want anyone staying in my house for my due date and/or at a minimum the first 6 weeks after birth. There is a lot of healing, bonding and establishing feeding that goes on in that time and the last thing you need to be worrying about is hosting a guest.

#17 Bugster

Posted 18 June 2019 - 07:55 AM

View PostMsLaurie, on 18 June 2019 - 07:22 AM, said:

Is a possible factor in their desire to stay with you a cost issue? Hotels etc are always so expensive over Christmas/New Year, perhaps they’re trying to manage that, and of course they will have also paid peak time prices for flights... doesn’t mean they should stay with you, but might be a reason they’re being a bit pushy.
Potentially, though tbh that’s not my problem they are welcome to come in January.

#18 Octopodes

Posted 18 June 2019 - 08:01 AM

I wouldn't have anyone visit before February. Screw Christmas.

#19 born.a.girl

Posted 18 June 2019 - 08:05 AM

View PostBugster, on 18 June 2019 - 07:55 AM, said:

Potentially, though tbh that’s not my problem they are welcome to come in January.
I completely agree it's not your problem esp given your own circumstances.  If they can't afford the fares and accommodation over Christmas (and if I'm guessing correctly then yes it will be expensive, it always has been) then they can't afford to go.

If they use that line on you, just tell them to come when it's more affordable.

#20 luke's mummu

Posted 18 June 2019 - 08:09 AM

I’d rather not be in the house when you are giving birth anyway! I’d rather stay in a hotel.

#21 Bugster

Posted 18 June 2019 - 08:19 AM

View PostOctopodes, on 18 June 2019 - 08:01 AM, said:

I wouldn't have anyone visit before February. Screw Christmas.

Tbh I really wanted a quiet Xmas, just us. We are planning a very quiet day and will be going to one of the nice hotels in the city (like 15 mins from home) for their big casual banquet dinner on Xmas day so we have no planning, cooking or cleaning to worry about. This decision was questioned too, they were super surprised I wouldn’t be cooking a full meal 🙄 hubby reminded them I would be too tired & needing less work not more while he would rather help with the kids then spend all day cooking.

#22 born.a.girl

Posted 18 June 2019 - 08:23 AM

View PostBugster, on 18 June 2019 - 08:19 AM, said:

Tbh I really wanted a quiet Xmas, just us. We are planning a very quiet day and will be going to one of the nice hotels in the city (like 15 mins from home) for their big casual banquet dinner on Xmas day so we have no planning, cooking or cleaning to worry about. This decision was questioned too, they were super surprised I wouldn’t be cooking a full meal hubby reminded them I would be too tired & needing less work not more while he would rather help with the kids then spend all day cooking.


Oh boy ...

Expecting someone who's just given birth to cook Christmas dinner for a crowd?   Even if they were expecting to pitch in, that still places you as the one responsible for the space, the shopping etc.


Is it perhaps the only time they'll ever have a white Christmas, or deep winter Christmas, and they're so focused on that they can't see the wood for the trees?

#23 TheGreenSheep

Posted 18 June 2019 - 08:26 AM

Seriously are they that dull? Or just tone deaf and pushy? You’re not getting a new kitten, you’re home birthing a baby. I think you have made very sensible plans for a quiet Xmas and time for you to have a baby. The rest, and I mean visiting, can wait.

#24 c.sanders

Posted 18 June 2019 - 08:33 AM

What the actual duck.  Totally not okay.


Don't do it to yourself. They aren't fully appreciating the situation and what you are going through.

We had family over every ducking time and it was awful. Last time I was 39weeks plus pregnant and with two kids sorting kilos of meat and cooking for Eid because my MIL couldn't be a*sed after she had organised the night before she would do the cooking (we stupidly trusted her so we didn't make alternate preparations) and sent dh away to organise something else and I woke up late thinking it was all sorted but no,  the kids had no food and she had disappeared to eat out with others. It's not fun. Don't do it to yourself.

#25 niban

Posted 18 June 2019 - 08:35 AM

I'd also be thinking about the time BEFORE the birth.  I had great pregnancies but I was still exhausted, not sleeping well and certainly wouldn't have wanted to have had guests or people to entertain for weeks before the birth  (before #1 we actually had a big weekend get-together where people came from overseas and interstate and that was nice - but they weren't staying with us, and it was only a couple of days, not weeks!)  
From what you describe with the pushiness and lack of consideration I'd be telling them to come late Jan or later and letting yourself have that quiet December and Xmas.




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