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Undecided on 2nd child


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#1 Melmumto1

Posted 16 May 2019 - 09:03 AM

Hey there,
have any of you felt as though you are better off with one child?
My husband and I have always wanted 2...but after having my beautiful son (now 17 months) i have this nagging feeling that i can't go through it all again. I feel quilty for feeling this way as i want to give my son a sibling and i know my husband wants another one too.
i just can't shake this almost 'gut feeling' that i shouldn't try again...i just wonder if its a sign that i shouldn't do it...or if its just me having doubts and feeling as though i won't cope?
have any of you felt like this and still had another baby?
Why would i be doubting having another when ive always wanted 2? Is it just because in general im tired with a toddler and thats what's clouding my judgment?

#2 seayork2002

Posted 16 May 2019 - 09:28 AM

DS is 11

No way on this planet am I having another

I can only speak for myself but if anyone asks 'so are you having another' I will reply 'WHAT???? ARE YOU MAD!?'

Not sure if this answers your question but every one is different

#3 *Nasty*Squeekums*

Posted 16 May 2019 - 09:34 AM

Dd is 9
I said the day she was born NEVER again.
She is an only child

The thought of pregnancy and newborn stage leave me cold and wanting to run for the straight jacket. It damn near mentally killed me first time round

I've been asked since the day she was born when I'm having a 2nd. No, hell no and I'm not crazy are how I answer that.

I've been told I'm depriving her and dp, that she will be selfish, lonely, been told i will change my mind, all that b.s..
I return that with dd is better of with a mother that can cope and is alive.

I'm a believer in trust your gut instinct and if that's saying no, go with it for now, you can reassess in time if you need

#4 Octopodes

Posted 16 May 2019 - 09:39 AM

There are quite a few of us on EB who have happily stopped at one and have healthy, well rounded, content only children.

Mine has just turned 12. We are enjoying life as a family of 3, it is mostly lovely and cruisey now that DS is more independent. I wouldn't change it for anything.

Ignore the social pressure to have more if that is not what you want to do. It is your choice, no-one else's.

edit: I have 3 siblings of my own whom I hate, siblings are no guarantee of anything, especially not friendship.

Edited by Octopodes, 16 May 2019 - 09:43 AM.


#5 Kiwi Bicycle

Posted 16 May 2019 - 09:41 AM

Pregnancy was hard, having no family support is hard, PND was hard, and little guy has his challenges. No way I am stuffing up our fragile balanced family of 3 for another. 2 was the plan but it's been shelved. They make friends, they have your time and attention, you can afford to do things, pay for therapy, you can tag team one child with your partner. Your DH probably hasn't had a huge interaction with a baby but as your child gets older, daddy gets more involved and wanted, and 1 might be enough for him. And the sibling thing, well there's no guarantee they will get on, and you are going to add squabbling etc to the mix as well.
Yes you will doubt yourself, feel jealous when others announce a pregnancy but if you have strong doubts and reasons not too, don't.

#6 alfoil hat

Posted 16 May 2019 - 09:48 AM

I could have written your post. DD is 3, I have a sinking feeling every time I think of going through it again. And yet I know DH wants another one and if society says it’s a good thing, it’s probable they know better than me since there’s a lot of wise and smart people out there. I have lots of decisions in life I regret that lots of people said at the time were bad choices, yet I was adamant. I am so worried that stopping at 1 will be one of them, yet I am 90% sure I am done. I wish I had answers and I hope you find them OP.

#7 *Nasty*Squeekums*

Posted 16 May 2019 - 09:53 AM

View Postalfoil hat, on 16 May 2019 - 09:48 AM, said:

I could have written your post. DD is 3, I have a sinking feeling every time I think of going through it again. And yet I know DH wants another one and if society says it’s a good thing, it’s probable they know better than me since there’s a lot of wise and smart people out there. I have lots of decisions in life I regret that lots of people said at the time were bad choices, yet I was adamant. I am so worried that stopping at 1 will be one of them, yet I am 90% sure I am done. I wish I had answers and I hope you find them OP.

Remember, just cos society says so, don't make it true. You don't have to risk your life and body for your dh or society.

Many had kids just cos society said so and it's turned out bad for all involved. From neglect and abuse to just basic not engaged with the child, ho hum to their very existence.

Society used to say gay people were evil, that women should be only homemakers
Society changes

#8 Sweet.Pea

Posted 16 May 2019 - 09:58 AM

Have you discussed it with your DH?

If you decide you're finished with one, then that's fine.

If you feel really unsure, you could discuss it with a psychologist, to help you feel more comfortable with your decision.

#9 Octopodes

Posted 16 May 2019 - 10:02 AM

Society is slow to let go of conservative, outdated ideas. Big families used to be expected because it was assumed some children would die young, that is a lot less likely these days.

How long has it taken for society to embrace same sex marriage? Climate change?

#10 MrsG2

Posted 16 May 2019 - 10:37 AM

I fee complete and content as a unit of 3.

#11 Daffy2016

Posted 16 May 2019 - 11:17 AM

I am in the same boat, OP. DH definitely wants another (or more!) but I honestly cannot imagine how I would deal with another child on top of DD. She’s not overly demanding but she is high energy, we have no family support nearby, and we both work. I feel flat out and worn out already.

But then I feel bad about potentially depriving DD of siblings and DH of a child he really wants... but then I’d probably be a horrible person to be around if I had to cope with two!

Unlike others, pregnancy and newborn stage weren’t so hard. The age DD is now (heading towards two) is where I’m really starting to struggle.

#12 Jenflea

Posted 16 May 2019 - 11:50 AM

One and done and NO regrets.

I adore my child but I know I couldn't cope with 2. I also know I never WANTED 2. I just don't feel the desire to reproduce again.

Dh said he would've liked a second but he likes the little family of 3 we have.

I like the fact that it's my body and my choice. I was the one doing the IVF, I was the one carrying it, birthing it and breastfeeding it, getting up at night. I have no desire to do that again, the first time nearly killed me and nearly broke our marriage frankly.

We can live in a small house and run one car. We have no mortgage, we can afford to send her to any school we want or need to. We can pay for any therapy or tutoring she might need.

If we're still in this house in 10 years, we'll build a granny flat out the back for her and live all on the one block, with the 2 houses connected by an enclosed cat run.

#13 alfoil hat

Posted 16 May 2019 - 12:03 PM

View Post*Nasty*Squeekums*, on 16 May 2019 - 09:53 AM, said:



Remember, just cos society says so, don't make it true. You don't have to risk your life and body for your dh or society.

Thanks squeekums

#14 Oh Peanuts!

Posted 16 May 2019 - 12:12 PM

I would go with your gut OP.

We had a second, after originally thinking we’d just have one. So almost the reverse situation. I don’t think I felt like trying for a second until the first was 2+ though. The first 2 years are hard, and we weren’t ready to commit again before that. I don’t regret having a second, but it is as hard as I thought it might be, and I feel a lot of nostalgia for the time when we were a family of 3. Life is easier with 1 child, and you have more opportunity to build a beautiful bond. Share more experiences with them. After our second I find myself constantly having to tell the first, ‘no we can’t do that whilst your sibling is little’. I feel very guilty. But there are also lots of lovely aspects to having a sibling too, and they absolutely adore each other (at this stage anyway!).

#15 Drat

Posted 16 May 2019 - 12:22 PM

I had a really bad pregnancy with number 1 and she was a horrible sleeper and so many issues. I always wanted 2 close together but DD1 almost killed us (lack of sleep, so much fighting etc.)
Eventually got up the strength for TTC #2. She's now 2 months old and i'm so in love with her. I'm sitting here watching my 2 year old talking to the baby, while the baby is gurgling and laughing at her.
Still early days but no regrets!

However, do what is best for YOU. Ignore what any other idiot says.

#16 MrsG2

Posted 16 May 2019 - 12:50 PM

View PostDaffy2016, on 16 May 2019 - 11:17 AM, said:

I am in the same boat, OP. DH definitely wants another (or more!) but I honestly cannot imagine how I would deal with another child on top of DD. She’s not overly demanding but she is high energy, we have no family support nearby, and we both work. I feel flat out and worn out already.

But then I feel bad about potentially depriving DD of siblings and DH of a child he really wants... but then I’d probably be a horrible person to be around if I had to cope with two!

Unlike others, pregnancy and newborn stage weren’t so hard. The age DD is now (heading towards two) is where I’m really starting to struggle.

Is your dh willing to take paternity leave and do the long days/hard nights second time round? This is what I asked my dh when he floated the idea of more , and his answer was a resounding NO, so we are pretty much settled on not having any more . That being said our only chance for a second resides in our frozen embryos, no chance of a natural pregnancy at all

Edited by MrsG2, 16 May 2019 - 12:50 PM.


#17 Hellbent

Posted 16 May 2019 - 01:10 PM

View Postseayork2002, on 16 May 2019 - 09:28 AM, said:

DS is 11

No way on this planet am I having another

I can only speak for myself but if anyone asks 'so are you having another' I will reply 'WHAT???? ARE YOU MAD!?'

Not sure if this answers your question but every one is different
This was me.  DD is now 17.  Our family of 3 is perfect for us.  DD loves being an "only", always has.  Still doesnt answer your question, just letting you know there are plenty of one child families about and it's not a crime to only want one child.

#18 AdelTwins

Posted 16 May 2019 - 01:25 PM

I had a baby after having twins and people thought I was crazy! He is now a similar age to yours. We have a 6 year age gap - mainly because I couldn’t cope with 3 at home all day.

I think hold off making a final decision until your son is in school. There’s no right or wrong answer, just what’s best for your family.

#19 Melmumto1

Posted 16 May 2019 - 01:37 PM

Thank you so much everyone. It really does help when people share their experiences and thoughts.
Its such a hard decision to make...especially when im an older mum with not a lot of time to decide...


#20 22Fruitmincepies

Posted 16 May 2019 - 02:16 PM

I did give in and have a second, there is a 3.5 year age gap between the two. The second is now 1.5yo and I think it’s going to work out ok. The first year was every bit as hard as I had expected, and it’s getting easier now. I didn’t want a second at all until the first was over 2.5yo.

#21 Caribou

Posted 16 May 2019 - 02:29 PM

I thought we’d only ever have one. I accepted one, but I also felt at the same time two would be lovely. Pregnancy was awful, I had PND and a prem baby. The whole thing was traumatising. #2 healed the issues I had surrounding DDs birth, which isn’t to say it happens for everyone. But for me, a lot of wounds were healed with #2, he gave me the birth I wanted. But like I said, my issues were my own, it doesn’t mean it will be same for you. :) we don’t regret DS though he’s in the terrible twos, my family feels just right with him in it.

There’s nothing wrong with sticking to one either. Plenty of people do it. Your choices are your own and no one else’s. If you don’t think you can do a second, don’t. Or if you do, but can’t deal with the trouble of pregnancy or early days, see a counselling.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

#22 Dianalynch

Posted 16 May 2019 - 02:38 PM

From experience maintaining two careers with one kid is doable...just....add in another kid and it seems like more than twice the work...and all of a sudden two careers and two kids feels very very difficult - that’s just my experience not everyone finds it as hard as I do...something to consider

#23 Silverstreak

Posted 16 May 2019 - 04:16 PM

I always thought I'd have two kids. I grew up with a sibling. I think having two kids is still seen as the "done" thing. So I was pretty sure I was going to have two kids, until I had a kid!

I adore DS but I can't go through it again, although I was on the fence afterwards for a good year or so. DS has ASD and has had major sleeping issues over the years, plus I'm an anxious worrier and parenting does not help with that!

Do what feels right for you and your partner.

#24 just roses

Posted 16 May 2019 - 05:52 PM

It was a bit different for me. I knew deep down I did want a second, even though I was having reservations. My reservations came from a history of infertility and worrying about diving back into that nightmare again. I also had a great fear of things going wrong. By by the time DS was 2, I was ready enough to go again. DH could have gone either way at that point, so it was kind of on me to reluctantly give the green light to TTC.

Happy ending - we had our second, we had a three year gap (perfect!) and I feel really settled now that this is our family. Even when I was agonising over #2 I didn’t feel settled either way.

I know for a fact, though, that two is it for us. And I realise that in having two, it was the right number for us all along.

So I guess all you can do is give it more time (honestly, a lot to be said for bigger age gaps) and try to work out what you want your family to look like in, say, ten years time when all the stress and chaos has settled. And be assured that there is nothing wrong with one, if that’s the right number for you.

#25 quartz85

Posted 16 May 2019 - 07:29 PM

I was so done with one. It was a rough pregnancy and first year. But we went again, had an absolutely horrendous time during pregnancy but I'm very glad we did it.

They are just the best of friends, even with a 3 year age gap.

It's a lot more work with two. But I am loving it more and more. I loved having a toddler and a baby. And I never ever thought I'd say that.

I was stressed about having a second because my plan before kids was a much smaller age gap. But after my first there was no way that was happening.




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