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#1 blueskies12

Posted 14 May 2019 - 08:57 PM

It is quite possible that we won't be having three children. I have two boys- ages (just turned) 4 and 16 months. My heart still  really yearns for another- gender doesn't matter. However, there are many (head) reasons why we probably won't. These reasons include financial, house size, car size, family help and emotional.  It doesn't help that I was the first amongst my close friends to have kids and now they are having their babies. It is so hard being around babies.

Please tell me what you think about having two children; the positives, the negatives, what your life looks like. If you have more/less kids please feel free to jump in.

If you have two, did you want another? Are you glad you stayed with the 2?

For those further down the parenting journey do you regret not having another child?

#2 Caribou

Posted 14 May 2019 - 09:06 PM

Two kids. I wanted another I still do, but like you. I know it won’t be right for the family for various reasons. My kids at 7 and 2.

As they get older, It gets easier, my heart aches a little less. I detest the terrible twos and I won’t miss toilet training. I miss my career, though I love my children dearly, I am getting more of ‘me’ back. I still have moments of, oh a 3rd right now would slot in very nicely. But half an hour later the two kids are at wars I’m glad it’s just them. I think when they’re older the benefits of 3 is more apparent, but less so younger. There’s a lot more slogging and hard work with 3 young kids. But, hmm, not sure I’ll never feel done though. I’ve just resigned to the fact we’re done. Not much help,’sorry OP.

#3 elly35

Posted 14 May 2019 - 09:09 PM

I always wanted 3 (and was definite on 3, 4 to me seems too many) but my husband would not go past 2. His preference was 1. He would not cope with 3 and the stress it would bring to the family. So it is our families interest to stop at 2.
My youngest is nearly 5 and it has been a gradual process where I have gone from thinking about it constantly to almost 100% accepted 2 is our number. I focus on benefits: we can do more, sleep ins, etc. It helps that I am getting older and my friends are mostly past having babies and my younger cousins have started so it feels like it is the next generation's turn.

#4 elly35

Posted 14 May 2019 - 09:11 PM

Caribou you have expressed better exactly how I feel

#5 Veritas Vinum Arte

Posted 14 May 2019 - 09:12 PM

I had two boys 22m apart in age. I went for a third because I wanted a third child. I was halfway through the pregnancy when I would have hit the rewind button if I could. My third is lovely (at times) but a handful. You will find me in threads these days when people ask if they should have a third saying “Noooo”. My kids are coming up to 10/12/14yrs and I do wish at times we only had 2. The extra expense of three has been very high.

Enjoy your two wonderful boys. I had Parent Teacher recently for my oldest 2 and DH and I left feeling like we had the best boys in the world and are so proud of them.

#6 Babetty

Posted 14 May 2019 - 09:13 PM

I have two and am really happy with that. DH was keen on 3, and I did briefly consider it but we're happy we stopped at 2. They're now 10 and almost 7 and juggling their activities, our jobs and still having family time is so much easier with 2!

I do enjoy my job, and earn a good income in a 4 day a week role. When we were considering 3, I realised that with a third in the mix, I would not be able to work the same hours and still be the parent I want to be - and to work less hours, I'd also need to drop responsibility and take a demotion, so income would take a hit from 2 angles, in addition to the added expense of a third.

As DH and I really like our comfortable lifestyle, and love travel, especially being able to take the kids places, we decided against 3 and am really glad we stopped at 2. Having 3 would have really compromised the sort of family life we wanted.

#7 blueskies12

Posted 14 May 2019 - 09:26 PM

View PostBabetty, on 14 May 2019 - 09:13 PM, said:

I have two and am really happy with that. DH was keen on 3, and I did briefly consider it but we're happy we stopped at 2. They're now 10 and almost 7 and juggling their activities, our jobs and still having family time is so much easier with 2!

I can imagine it will only get busier as life goes on. I have to work/have to maintain my foot in my work and I already find that juggling that with parenting two really tough.

I do enjoy my job, and earn a good income in a 4 day a week role. When we were considering 3, I realised that with a third in the mix, I would not be able to work the same hours and still be the parent I want to be - and to work less hours, I'd also need to drop responsibility and take a demotion, so income would take a hit from 2 angles, in addition to the added expense of a third.

This is an imporatant point, I want to work on being more patient and a kinder mum, and to be that I need to work less, but I couldn't afford to do that with three kids.

As DH and I really like our comfortable lifestyle, and love travel, especially being able to take the kids places, we decided against 3 and am really glad we stopped at 2. Having 3 would have really compromised the sort of family life we wanted.

I think having a third would mean we would have to cut so much out.

Thank you for replying.

#8 blueskies12

Posted 14 May 2019 - 09:28 PM

Veritas Vinum Arte congratulations on fantastic parent teacher interviews regarding your sons! That would be a dream come true for me! Congratulations. I don't think there would be anything nicer than hearing that as a parent.

#9 blueskies12

Posted 14 May 2019 - 09:35 PM

Caribou, I loved your post. You are right. I may never feel done. I may always look at babies and have that longing. I just need to come to an acceptance.

Edited by blueskies12, 14 May 2019 - 09:36 PM.

#10 Mooples

Posted 14 May 2019 - 09:38 PM

I have 2 boys as well almost the same ages as yours. If all goes well we will be going for number 3 later this year or early next year. Couldn’t care less if we got another boy or a girl, we just want to add another little person to our family.

#11 little lion

Posted 14 May 2019 - 09:40 PM

I think my peace with the decision to stick with two kids took time. Don’t rush it, is my advice. I now feel very content with my guys, as they get older and more independent. My youngest starts primary school next year and I can’t wait to be able to use before/after care as needed so I can push forward with my career. I don’t take a lot of my self identity from motherhood so as the kids get older and I become more me again, it makes my choice clearer. I imagine this would be a challenge for those who feel that mothering babies and toddlers is their calling.

#12 No Drama Please

Posted 14 May 2019 - 09:42 PM

I have two, would have loved to have had three but started too late.

Some pluses would be they are close in age, and we’ve lots of plans for when they finish school, so we won’t have to wait for three to finish.

We don’t have any family here so with two, if they have things to do on the same day, sports or parties etc, there’s a parent each available to take them.

It’s cheaper obviously, for extracurricular activities etc, school fees, uniforms, dentists!  I don’t know how we would have managed three lots of daycare fees at same time. Two was really hard.

Booking hotels has been pretty easy as could get away with two kids in one room but not with three. Plane trips we can book four seats on the middle, so not split up.

I still want three kids though, but looking at it realistically, we couldn’t have stayed in Australia and live like we do with three kids, and the two kids we do have are very happy here.

#13 Moukmouk

Posted 14 May 2019 - 09:50 PM

I love having two kids. I'm from a big family, and never liked the chaos. I also have a sibling with a disability, and was very aware that as I got older the risks of complications increased. I had complicated awful pregnancies. DH wanted a third, but not at the risk of my health. If I'd been younger I would probably have considered it more, but then again maybe not. There was a day when I was doing the double day care/OOSH pickup when it really hit me that another baby would mean so many more years of that.
My two are now 8 and 11. They are lovely and life is good fun. I have a great job and between DH and I we can run them around all their activities. Travelling is easier - we fit in a standard car/taxi/hotel room and in the four seats in the middle of the plane. I can pay for school fees and holidays. My two get along really well, and although they would love a sibling, they both realise what it would mean at this point. I still get pangs when around babies, but I think that's also got to do with reaching an age where I probably couldn't have another even if I wanted to.

#14 MissMilla

Posted 14 May 2019 - 09:54 PM

2 kids, wanted another but DH didnt and listed all the reasons you mentioned. My head clearly said no too, but my heart wanted another.

We wont be having another, DH got the snip and im very happy with my 2 now. I think 3 would have pushed us over the edge.

Everything about having 2 is great.
They fit in our car, its cheaper and easier to travel/staying at hotels, my parents can babysit them a lot (3 might be a bit much especially since they also watch my niece a lot), they dont have any 2vs1 fights (i had that a lot growing up with 2 siblings), DH and i are not outnumbered.

I dont really have any negatives, except when they are really crazy then i think maybe one would have been enough ;)

Its a very personal decision though and 3 are great too! I grew up with 2 siblings and loved it most of the time. Im still very close to both siblings now. It is easier financially and time wise with just 2 though.

#15 Kreme

Posted 14 May 2019 - 09:56 PM

My two are 17 months apart. I grew up as the third with a 4 year gap between me and my next sibling. And it was very lonely. I just didn’t belong with the other two who were close in age.

So if I’d had a third it would have been another small gap. I would never have gone down the route of getting pregnant when the youngest went to school like so many mums I know. And 3 kids in 3 years didn’t seem like a good idea.

I still wanted a third for several years, but not for a long time now (they’re 12 and 11) Honestly the only regret I have is I look at my two amazing kids and think wow I wonder what a third would have been like? But it’s more of a passing thought than a genuine yearning.

Everything is easier and cheaper with two. Especially holidays! We’ve been able to give our kids a lot of opportunities. It would have been hard to afford that with three.

#16 Freddie'sMum

Posted 14 May 2019 - 10:00 PM

We have 2 girls - ages 14 and turning 12 this year.

Two is / was our absolute limit.  I suffered bad PND after DD#1 and cripplingly bad PND after DD#2.  We have no family support, we have gone through periods of either DH or I being made redundant, both our girls are "high needs" and life is nothing like I thought it would be.

We barely hang on by our fingertips now.  Nothing - absolutely nothing - would have convinced DH to go for a third baby.  If things were different, no PND, family support and a bit more financial stability - I would have liked to go for a third.

#17 Charli73

Posted 14 May 2019 - 10:19 PM

Two here.. they are 15 months apart and it nearly mulled me but we didn’t start till I was 37 so we didn’t have time for 3 plus our older child has ASD/ADHD/ODD and it would have made life pretty hard..

My youngest was very clingy and with so much time spent on my child with additional appointments etc I don’t think I could have given a third child the attention it would deserve. Our marriage would have been tested, I wouldn’t have been able to work as much, financially we couldn’t do it and we would need a bigger house Ns car etc..

We’re starting to travel now they are 6/8 and it’s getting expensive with extra activities so I’m glad we stuck with two... but it still doesn’t stop that feeling..

#18 Hibiscus123

Posted 14 May 2019 - 10:46 PM

We are expecting a 3rd - I just didn’t think we were complete as a family.

Yes it will be a hard slog both practically and financially.

Yet I look at my parents who came as migrants with nothing and had no family here. They worked dead end jobs to raise 4 kids. We were poor but had such a happy childhood and are all gainfully employed adults. We are still close as a family and get together often.

DH and I aren’t rich but we are thoroughly middle class and our kids will have so much more opportunities than I had growing up, even with a 3rd added to the mix.

I guess it comes down to what you’re willing to trade off - lifestyle versus larger family unit.

#19 Ellie bean

Posted 14 May 2019 - 10:57 PM

I’m really glad to stay with 2, aside from anything else I just could not face throwing up for another 9 months, the thought of it gives me chills. I could give another list but it’s really specific to my circumstances. Honestly though blueskies it sounds from your threads that you really really want this, is there any way you can just do it? Wishing you all the best

#20 Prancer is coming

Posted 14 May 2019 - 11:11 PM

I have three and would not change it for the world.

But at the same time, life is chaotic and I often feel I don’t spend enough time with each child.  The youngest child’s needs tends to take priorities as they need the most supervision or their routine the same.

There is only 5.5 years between the oldest and the youngest, so not excessive.  The oldest child’s activities are getting later or involve sitting and watching quietly(eg debating, band) and there is no way the youngest could be out that late or sit quietly.  Even in school holidays, it is so hard to find an activity that we can all happily do together.

I remember a few years ago I said to DH ‘what would we do without number 3?’ as I totally could not imagine life without him.  But we both looked at each other, knowing exactly how much easier our lives would have been without him.

#21 blueskies12

Posted 15 May 2019 - 01:10 PM

Thank you everyone for replying to me.
It is interesting to know that most PPs have said that they still would like another and then think of the reality.
I think the safe answer will be 'No, I don't feel finished, but in reality we are done'. My husband is happy to give me time/us both time, but the truth is he is happy with what we have. So now I just need to unlock that too. I will no doubt have to sit with that unfinished feeling for quite a time, but i think it will get less and less.  I do deep down think two is a very special number!
I can see how easy life is- looking to the future. I need to focus on the 100 positives, over that wishful yearning, because it is fleeting and children are like puppies! They grow up much faster than I realised.

Here are some that I can think of:
Each will have their own bedroom/ no renovation costs.
We would be more financially secure, so this would take that pressure away.
No new cars needed.
It would also mean I could work less for longer. This will help me stay a saner/kinder parent.
There's two of us to take them to activities (I like that!)
Logistically drops offs/pick ups will be easier.
The opportunity for holidays.
I could possibly sink my teeth back in my career.
More time to develop hobbies.
More time with my husband.
Two kids means 50/50. 50% of my time/money each, which seems quite fair and lovely.
We can get them babysat.
I might be able to actually get fit again!

I think a big problem is tying myself up and my identity to the baby/toddler stage, so it is learning how to unravel that. That can be exciting too.

Thank you for helping me. I really LOVE hearing about the positives of two. I am quite an anxious person and with that for me comes some level of pessimism unfortunately and in some ways I feel that is playing out here. I would really like to turn my thinking around and embrace what I have whole-heartedly. Big hugs and thank you.

ETA- I will have to take note of when I have these yearning thoughts too! Most of the time I swear they occur when the kids are asleep and I pop my head in to see them....or when I am out and away from my kids...Ironic really..

Edited by blueskies12, 15 May 2019 - 01:15 PM.

#22 decisionsdecisions

Posted 15 May 2019 - 01:32 PM

Everything you have said in your post above resonates with my thinking when I was at the stage of wanting a third but not quite knowing whether to or not.

I don't want this to sound flippant but after finally deciding not to try for a third we bought a dog.  That dog has added so much to our family....mostly filled the void of me wanting another baby and is such a good pal to both kids without any of the fighting and rivalry that often goes along with having human siblings.

#23 Caribou

Posted 15 May 2019 - 01:35 PM

when we thought about a 3rd, and DH didn't want one, then I did get pregnant with a 3rd, but miscarried, I was devastated, DH wanting to appease me agreed to a third, but i realised after a month it was not a good idea, even if my heart wanted it so badly. We've actually agreed to go overseas next year for 8 weeks and the following year or so if we can manage to brush up our french, live in france for a couple years while DH does his degree.

Liittle things like this, made it easier for me to focus on what we had to look forward to in the future, despite my yearning for a 3rd, I have other things I can look forward to that helps 'over rule' those feelings, like the PP and the dog.

Mid you, if neither holiday or living overseas eventuates, I'm going to be pretty bitter! DH is well aware of this, he knows the significance of what these goals mean to me.

Edited by Caribou, 15 May 2019 - 01:36 PM.

#24 Ellie bean

Posted 15 May 2019 - 01:44 PM

Oh yeah I miss the baby and toddler stage when I look at photos until I remember the reality lol. I took an awesome photo of both of them screaming and crying and both dogs barking all at once which I keep on hand for such moments ;)

#25 Octopodes

Posted 15 May 2019 - 01:57 PM

I think it can be hard being the first/youngest in a friendship group to have kids. It has been for me. Our only child is 12yo, the next child born in my friendship group is 9 years younger, most are 10+ years younger. It has been difficult listening to the baby/toddler talk while I'm shopping for high schools. Some have even suggested I should have another now so that we can raise our kids together, not going to happen!.

We are happy with our one, especially now that he is older and more independent. Life is fairly cruisey, we go on overseas holidays regularly, we are financially stable and I am thinking about returning to uni, none of which would be possible with more kids. At a push, we might have managed it with two, but certainly not with 3+.

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