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Is one of us being stingy?


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#1 MummaBlossom

Posted 13 May 2019 - 07:32 PM

A girlfriend is having a milestone birthday next month. Another friend and myself have decided to buy a gift jointly. It's been suggested, and agreed, that a full day trip for the three of us from our main city to a wine region is a great gift.

Here's where the WDYT comes in. Friend A thinks the cost for the three should be split in half and that is the gift. Friend B thinks just the cost for the birthday girl is the gift and we should find something additional to meet our combined budget, and that our own costs are ours separately.

So, do you agree with friend A or B?

#2 ~J_WTF~

Posted 13 May 2019 - 07:36 PM

But the cost is the same no matter how you split it? You are paying half of the wine tour cost each?

So it’s really about whether you buy an extra gift or not?

I would probably lean towards friend B and would want to buy her something little to go along with the wine trip, something that goes with that bigger gift..

#3 Missy D

Posted 13 May 2019 - 07:37 PM

Friend b! Otherwise it’s really a gift for your selves.

#4 seayork2002

Posted 13 May 2019 - 07:37 PM

I may be A but B with a small present maybe?

#5 Feral Grey Mare

Posted 13 May 2019 - 07:41 PM

I'd be happy with A if I was the birthday girl. The gift is having a happy experience with two close friends and I don't think any token item is necessary at all.

#6 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 13 May 2019 - 07:41 PM

How is the day trip happening?
(1) Is someone driving and you are just going to pop into a few wineries, have lunch somewhere, window shop in a few places and head home?
OR
(2) are you hooking up with a tour group where it's $X/person and that covers the day?

If it's Option 2, then it's easy to split the cost for three people between two.

If it's Option 1, then you need to figure out how you cover the cost for the birthday friend as you go through the day. When it's been like that, we have usually all given money to a central person and they pay for things during the day as it happens, maybe buy a bottle of wine for the birthday friend during the day (if they expressed a desire for a bottle of wine or whatever, depending on the full budget). Any money left over at the end of the day gets split up and given back, when birthday friend is not around.

Not sure that you need to spend up to a particular limit, just because you have set an upper spend limit.

Edited by YodaTheWrinkledOne, 13 May 2019 - 07:44 PM.


#7 qak

Posted 13 May 2019 - 07:44 PM

I think if you pay for yourself, it isn't a present for the friend.

But I also think it depends how much we are talking about, in relation to what your budget is?

#8 .Jerry.

Posted 13 May 2019 - 07:45 PM

View Post~J_WTF~, on 13 May 2019 - 07:36 PM, said:

But the cost is the same no matter how you split it? You are paying half of the wine tour cost each?

So it’s really about whether you buy an extra gift or not?

I would probably lean towards friend B and would want to buy her something little to go along with the wine trip, something that goes with that bigger gift..

Agree with this.  It is either just the trip or trip plus gift.

Personally I think the trip alone is enough.  It's a "big" gift.  And I am one who thinks experiences are much better than material "stuff".  Would just take the friend away on the trip.  Maybe get a photo done up fancy, or a good bottle of wine for her to take home.

#9 Sweet.Pea

Posted 13 May 2019 - 07:47 PM

Are you one of the friends (friend A or B)? Or are 3 friends paying for the gift and only 2 going?

If 3 friends are paying, but only 2 are going with the birthday girl, then only the birthday girls ticket should be split.

Otherwise, does it matter? Just say the gift is the wine tour and go have fun. No further gift needed.

#10 IamtheMumma

Posted 13 May 2019 - 07:50 PM

Doesn't it cost the same anyway although the gift will be more.

Trip costs $100 pp. 3 people are attending.

Situation 1 - 100 x 3 = $300. A & B pay $150 each.

Situation 2 - A pays for her ticket plus half of Birthday Person, so $150. B pays for her ticket plus half of Birthday Person so $150.

Adding a present on top of that would be an additional cost but it is up to the individual if they want to get Birthday Person another gift. It doesn't need to be they both get her something extra.

#11 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 13 May 2019 - 07:53 PM

View PostIamtheMumma, on 13 May 2019 - 07:50 PM, said:

Doesn't it cost the same anyway although the gift will be more.

Trip costs $100 pp. 3 people are attending.

Situation 1 - 100 x 3 = $300. A & B pay $150 each.

Situation 2 - A pays for her ticket plus half of Birthday Person, so $150. B pays for her ticket plus half of Birthday Person so $150.

Adding a present on top of that would be an additional cost but it is up to the individual if they want to get Birthday Person another gift. It doesn't need to be they both get her something extra.
this works if you are taking a tour and there is a set cost for person that includes everything for the day (or the essential things for the day - transport and food).

#12 night jasmine

Posted 13 May 2019 - 08:07 PM

Sounds like the only difference is the additional token gift.

I’d not bother with an additional gift but go halves on dinner, on top of the trip itself.

#13 JBH

Posted 13 May 2019 - 08:13 PM

View PostIamtheMumma, on 13 May 2019 - 07:50 PM, said:

Doesn't it cost the same anyway although the gift will be more.

Trip costs $100 pp. 3 people are attending.

Situation 1 - 100 x 3 = $300. A & B pay $150 each.

Situation 2 - A pays for her ticket plus half of Birthday Person, so $150. B pays for her ticket plus half of Birthday Person so $150.


I think this is right, but what OP is saying is they each had a budget of $150 for the present - have they spent that budget, or have they each spent $50 on the present, because paying for your own tour isn’t a present for your friend?

#14 night jasmine

Posted 13 May 2019 - 08:15 PM

View PostJBH, on 13 May 2019 - 08:13 PM, said:



I think this is right, but what OP is saying is they each had a budget of $150 for the present - have they spent that budget, or have they each spent $50 on the present, because paying for your own tour isn’t a present for your friend?
They’ve each spent $50 on the present. Unless them going constitutes a present for the friend as well.

#15 wannabe30

Posted 13 May 2019 - 08:16 PM

View PostIamtheMumma, on 13 May 2019 - 07:50 PM, said:

Doesn't it cost the same anyway although the gift will be more.

Trip costs $100 pp. 3 people are attending.

Situation 1 - 100 x 3 = $300. A & B pay $150 each.

Situation 2 - A pays for her ticket plus half of Birthday Person, so $150. B pays for her ticket plus half of Birthday Person so $150.

Adding a present on top of that would be an additional cost but it is up to the individual if they want to get Birthday Person another gift. It doesn't need to be they both get her something extra.

I’m not quite understanding the difference either.

Although, if one friend gives a token gift on top of the wine tour,  it might have the effect of “devaluing“ the wine tour so it doesn’t feel like a “proper“ gift.

Personally, I think the wine tour is a fabulous gift on its own. No extra token gift necessary. The whole point of giving an experience as a gift is to give the recipient something they really want and will really enjoy, rather than a whole bunch of small token gifts that risk becoming clutter.

As for how to split the cost if it’s not one all-inclusive tour: one person (eg Person A) can pay all the costs on the day and keep a tally. At the end of the day, Person B simply gives Person A half the total amount.

#16 MummaBlossom

Posted 13 May 2019 - 08:19 PM

It is a tour with a set cost per head. Friend A and B have agreed on a budget, but A thinks the whole cost should come out of the budget and B thinks just the birthday girl's cost should. Either way there will be an additional gift, it's just agreeing on what the left over figure to spend is.

Thanks for all the input so far!

#17 Feral-as-Meggs

Posted 13 May 2019 - 08:25 PM

I get it.   You think that $300 (for example) is the right price for the gift in your friend circle.  

So do you do a tour for $300 for 3 people?  

Or do you pay $100 for her, pay for yourselves AND then spend another $200 on an additional gift.  

I get both POV.  Could you split the difference?

#18 Prancer is coming

Posted 13 May 2019 - 08:34 PM

For me, an expensive wine tour ( I am assuming expensive as imagining a bus, lots of wine tasting and a great lunch) is not something I would go and do by myself.  So whilst I would enjoy the experience, I would only be doing it as part of a nice thing to do with my friend for her birthday.  Personally I wold be happy going halves with the friend for the birthday girl’s cost and buying them a bottle of wine.  As the recipient I also would not want anymore spent in me and would enjoy the day with friends.


#19 qak

Posted 13 May 2019 - 08:41 PM

View PostMummaBlossom, on 13 May 2019 - 08:19 PM, said:

It is a tour with a set cost per head. Friend A and B have agreed on a budget, but A thinks the whole cost should come out of the budget and B thinks just the birthday girl's cost should. Either way there will be an additional gift, it's just agreeing on what the left over figure to spend is.

I think the person who wants to spend more should be considerate of the other's budget ...

#20 BadCat

Posted 13 May 2019 - 08:42 PM

I'm with Friend A.  I'm paying for half of someone's experience, that's the gift.

If a friend wanted to go to a concert for their birthday I could buy their ticket and my ticket.  Their ticket is the gift.  I don't see how it's different because 2 people are splitting the cost for the friend.

Edited by BadCat, 13 May 2019 - 08:45 PM.


#21 Lou-bags

Posted 13 May 2019 - 08:42 PM

Friend B.

You paying your own way should not be part of the gift.

Edited to add- of course this depends if both givers can comfortably afford this. There was no suggestion of it being unaffordable in the OP, so I didn’t answer with that in mind.

Edited by Lou-bags, 13 May 2019 - 09:19 PM.


#22 Oriental lily

Posted 13 May 2019 - 08:56 PM

How did you get the budget figure ?

Personally an all expense wine tour with two buddies is a great gift . If you can give that and save a couple of hundred of dollars ( that then goes in to your own expense ) great !

As long as you are equally paying for the trip I don’t think it matters that you didn’t reach the full budget .

There is being stingy then there is being smart .

#23 Future-self

Posted 13 May 2019 - 09:08 PM

I can see both points and it really depends on how relative the cost is - if that make sense! $150 is generous amount  for  a friend’s birthday so to have to pay for your own wine day as well on top of that could really become OTT and financially stressful to someone. Or maybe it’s not in which case I’d pay more for myself as well. which is where the relative part comes in.
I’d chat honestly to the other person and say “hey when we set the budget I made it so generous as that was what’s I  I could spend overall  To then spend an additional $100 on my own day at the wineries really makes it a $250 budget which I can’t do”.

#24 Treasure Island

Posted 13 May 2019 - 09:14 PM

I think person B is overthinking it. Split the overall cost of the trip and buy her a milestone wine glass to use on the day. A day out with friends doing anything is an awesome present, I don't think it is necessary to spend more just to meet a maximum budget limit.

#25 Mooples

Posted 13 May 2019 - 09:20 PM

I’m with friend B. Using the present money to cover your own costs is not a present.




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