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#1 Drat

Posted 10 May 2019 - 07:18 PM

So hubby and I need to do a will. We started talking about who should get the kids etc.and our assets. We both agreed that my brother would get the kids. He lives with us and our girls adore him and I know that he would respect our wishes as parents for their future, he is also really financially responsible. I also have a lot of family close by so I know that they would help him out 100%.
We have a house and a unit, so for me, I would give him 100% of our assets to help take care of our kids as that would be the most important thing to me.

Hubby wants to leave a sum of money or a percentage to his mother and sister... neither of them have anything to do with our kids and neither would help out with them in the future. I agreed that I would be happy to leave a sum to his mother as she helped him a little when he was at uni, but I really feel strongly about not leaving his sister anything. I really want to make sure that our kids would be covered financially as best as we could as my brother is young and childless and I want to make sure that we are not leaving him with nothing. (As kids are expensive, so I really want to make sure they are well cared for)

He feels strongly about leaving her money as she is his sister and she has four kids. I understand she's his sister, but she's also really irresponsible with her money and would blow the money on an overseas holiday while she can't pay her electricity bills.. while that 10-20K he was thinking about leaving her would otherwise be used to take care of our kids

So what does everyone think? Am I being stingy? Should we leave some for his mum & sister in the will?

(Also, i am not planning on leaving any money or assets to my family members other than brother who will be guardian of the kids. Even though my family has helped us out with care of kids and has lent us money previously)

#2 Greatmum

Posted 10 May 2019 - 07:29 PM

It’s his share he can do what he likes it’s not up to u.

#3 Freddie'sMum

Posted 10 May 2019 - 07:36 PM

That's tricky OP.

Why does he feel so strongly about giving money to his sister? Esp if she is not close to your kids.  This is hard, there are no easy answers here because he wants to do this.

His will could be drawn up to reflect this gift and your will does not include this gift.

#4 rosie28

Posted 10 May 2019 - 07:39 PM

I’d leave everything to the children, in trust, with your brother as trustee, with a grandparent or your sister in law as a second trustee. That way it’s clear. I don’t think it’s sensible to give assets to your brother, then the kids will have nothing once they’re 18. You could leave him an interest or right to live in your house though.

Best to talk it all through with a lawyer.

#5 gabbigirl

Posted 10 May 2019 - 07:41 PM

He does get a say, even if you don’t like it. It is really hard when you have family members that don’t fit your definition of how family should behave. I am living this as we speak! However if he is only allocating a small amount it is pretty reasonable as far as I’m concerned.

Good luck.

#6 Sweet.Pea

Posted 10 May 2019 - 07:44 PM

View Postrosie28, on 10 May 2019 - 07:39 PM, said:

I’d leave everything to the children, in trust, with your brother as trustee, with a grandparent or your sister in law as a second trustee. That way it’s clear. I don’t think it’s sensible to give assets to your brother, then the kids will have nothing once they’re 18. You could leave him an interest or right to live in your house though.

Best to talk it all through with a lawyer.

This is what I would do. I wouldn't leave siblings anything. Do you support or loan his sister money now? If not, why does he feel strongly about it when he is dead?

ETA - you can each do your own will with him putting that in his. Yours can exclude it. If he dies, everything should go to you....so just make sure you don't die!

Edited by Sweet.Pea, 10 May 2019 - 07:45 PM.


#7 Soontobegran

Posted 10 May 2019 - 07:44 PM

Definitely in a trust. I would not be dividing it up to relatives when your children may need it in the future.

#8 rosie28

Posted 10 May 2019 - 07:47 PM

You also can’t “will” children, you can only express your wishes, so the will isn’t necessarily connected to who cares for the children.

#9 born.a.girl

Posted 10 May 2019 - 07:50 PM

View PostGreatmum, on 10 May 2019 - 07:29 PM, said:

It’s his share he can do what he likes it’s not up to u.

He has a responsibility to his children, surely?


If you have dependent children, you really can't just 'do what you like' with it (within reason, of course).

#10 Drat

Posted 10 May 2019 - 08:05 PM

View Postrosie28, on 10 May 2019 - 07:39 PM, said:

I’d leave everything to the children, in trust, with your brother as trustee, with a grandparent or your sister in law as a second trustee. That way it’s clear. I don’t think it’s sensible to give assets to your brother, then the kids will have nothing once they’re 18. You could leave him an interest or right to live in your house though.

Best to talk it all through with a lawyer.

Yes, sorry that's sorta what I meant. We will meet with lawyer next week, but basically I want whoever has the children to be in charge and to be able to provide for the kids etc.


View Postrosie28, on 10 May 2019 - 07:47 PM, said:

You also can’t “will” children, you can only express your wishes, so the will isn’t necessarily connected to who cares for the children.

True. However no one in his family is suitable to care for our children and I really doubt that anyone would 'fight' it. My parents would 100% love to take care of our girls, but my mum is the one who suggested my brother as he is younger and she is concerned that they would be too old to have them. (my dad is 11 years older than mum).

For me, everything that we have should be for taking care of our children in the future. Even if he was talking about gifting 10K between his mum and his sister, that could make a huge difference in the future for the kids and uni etc.

My parents have done an insane amount for us, but he feels no need to include them in the will as they 'have money' but his mum and sister don't have much money (due to them being financially irresponsible).

#11 No Drama Please

Posted 10 May 2019 - 08:06 PM

How young is your brother? Obviously I don’t know your situation at all but just thinking with my own kids I’m looking at family who are older with kids and hopefully settled in same life for next 15 years or so. Is there any way he could share the care responsibility with other family members rather than its only him? I agree with the trust for the kids and more than one person to oversee it.

Like you I would hate to leave anything to any family if they are not close to my kids, but looking at it unemotionally, it’s also his assets and money so he can realistically leave it to whoever he wants, it’s just something that would p*ss me off but I’d probably just try not to stress about it.

#12 WTFancie shmancie

Posted 10 May 2019 - 08:22 PM

Have you even asked your brother whether this is a responsibility that he is willing to take on?

#13 SeaPrincess

Posted 10 May 2019 - 10:14 PM

Your lawyer will be able to advise you, but ours recommended that we stipulate 2 testamentary trusts. One is for the guardian (my sister) and she is the only trustee. The benefit of this is that the funds don’t become part of her family assets, so if she and her husband separate, or if he dies and she re-partners, it’s all protected. The other is for the children, with my sister as trustee and BIL as appointee - she can access funds independently, but he can monitor her use of the funds.

#14 WaitForMe

Posted 10 May 2019 - 10:51 PM

Personally, I can't imagine giving anything to anyone except our children.

If I was loaded, then yeah sure spread the wealth.

But I'm not, and our children will be immensely impacted by our death, both financially and emotionally.

No one in our family is loaded either, so whoever ends up raising them will have a pretty massive financial burden. The least we can do is provide what we can towards them.

#15 Overtherainbow

Posted 11 May 2019 - 12:48 AM

Ours is all left for the guardians to use to raise our chn in any manner they see fit. Eg. They may need to change vehicles, move house, etc.

What is left over goes to the kids when they become independent and are deemed mature.
We trust the person who’s nominated guardian to be responsible.

The only way money goes to anyone, apart from the chn, is if our whole family was to die. Then it’s divided equally.

#16 Mollycoddle

Posted 11 May 2019 - 08:54 AM

View Postgabbigirl, on 10 May 2019 - 07:41 PM, said:

He does get a say, even if you don’t like it. It is really hard when you have family members that don’t fit your definition of how family should behave. I am living this as we speak! However if he is only allocating a small amount it is pretty reasonable as far as I’m concerned.

Good luck.

I disagree. Right now, while their kids are young, it's about how their assets would best serve to bring their children into adulthood. The sister shouldn't factor into that at all so I think the OP holds the higher ground here.

Edited by Mollycoddle, 11 May 2019 - 08:54 AM.


#17 Chchgirl

Posted 11 May 2019 - 10:28 AM

Also, allow for a change in circumstances. My dh died 7 years ago and i made my own will, my girls were 11 and 14 then , circumstances have changed greatly since, i don't live where i did, my 21 year old doesn't live with me, and i am on shaky terms with my ex inlaws so my sister will now be the executor just to help out . I am moving countries with my 17 year old so everything has changed, no need for guardians anymore ect.

One thing that shocked me was his family wanting to take all his stuff and leave nothing to his girls. Like vultures. Lucky I'm a strong person and didn't allow them to take the wedding ring and watch that was for my daughters. Or photo albums for mt girls that are identical to the ones my inlaws already had.

That's where my sister comes in. She won't allow anyone to come through and help themselves. My youngest wouldn't either. Thankfully moving countries will solve any issues like this.

#18 Demera

Posted 11 May 2019 - 10:54 AM

It should all go to your children in trust.  I can't understand how you would even consider leaving money or assets to anyone else.  If you want to give something to other family members,  just give it to them now as a gift.

#19 Feral-as-Meggs

Posted 11 May 2019 - 10:55 AM

Your DH obviously sees himself as the protector of his mum and sister, as well as your children.   You don’t feel the same way, but it’s not something you can argue with - it’s how he feels.

Probably the best thing to do is look at the whole picture of your assets, super, insurance etc.  

Work out

1.  what it would take (invested) besides the house to raise your children the way you want, and give them a bit of a start.   There should be an additional trustee for this money besides your brother.    How will the house be paid off (if not already).  

2.   What you would want your brother to have in his own right, to support him in the task.   Eg he may have less earning potential if he’s raising your kids.    What happens to the house if it’s your brothers home and the kids want to sell when they grow up?

3.   What your husband wants to do for his mum and sister.  

Then add up the assets, super etc.  Whatever shortfall there is needs to be the subject of a life insurance policy for both of you.

Edited by Feral-as-Meggs, 11 May 2019 - 10:58 AM.


#20 Mands09

Posted 11 May 2019 - 12:39 PM

What would the impact of your DH leaving $10-20k to his mum and sister in his will be on you and the kids if he dies first long before you? I think that’s the point you really need to raise with him rather than the future impact on the girls if you both die together (not as likely an outcome).

Hopefully your lawyer will be experiences enough that they can talk some sense into him. Ours was great, she had a story for everything!

Edited by Mands09, 11 May 2019 - 12:40 PM.


#21 born.a.girl

Posted 11 May 2019 - 01:15 PM

View PostMands09, on 11 May 2019 - 12:39 PM, said:

What would the impact of your DH leaving $10-20k to his mum and sister in his will be on you and the kids if he dies first long before you? I think that’s the point you really need to raise with him rather than the future impact on the girls if you both die together (not as likely an outcome).

Hopefully your lawyer will be experiences enough that they can talk some sense into him. Ours was great, she had a story for everything!

Yes, the lawyers know stuff we could never dream of.

We didn't want our only child to just get a large sum of money if anything happened to both of us (not as unlikely now that we're travelling separately from her).

The will is reasonably straight forward, but we would never have thought to set it up the way it is.

#22 born.a.girl

Posted 11 May 2019 - 01:20 PM

View PostMollycoddle, on 11 May 2019 - 08:54 AM, said:

I disagree. Right now, while their kids are young, it's about how their assets would best serve to bring their children into adulthood. The sister shouldn't factor into that at all so I think the OP holds the higher ground here.


I agree with you.   No one has any idea what the needs of those kids might be.

Sure, nice to give some money to help out a struggling relative, but unless all of the money's tied up in non liquid assets, then if she's struggling so much, give the money now.

We actually considered leaving that sort of money to a handful of nieces and nephews (about 3 -4 of the total number) and the solicitor advised against it - said sling them some money along the way if and when it's available, otherwise you don't know what your relationship might be with them when you go, and more to the point, you don't know what their relationship with their siblings will be like.

#23 sarahec

Posted 11 May 2019 - 01:20 PM

View Postrosie28, on 10 May 2019 - 07:39 PM, said:

I’d leave everything to the children, in trust, with your brother as trustee, with a grandparent or your sister in law as a second trustee. That way it’s clear. I don’t think it’s sensible to give assets to your brother, then the kids will have nothing once they’re 18. You could leave him an interest or right to live in your house though.

Best to talk it all through with a lawyer.

This is how I set up my will.

#24 born.a.girl

Posted 11 May 2019 - 01:24 PM

View Postrosie28, on 10 May 2019 - 07:39 PM, said:

I’d leave everything to the children, in trust, with your brother as trustee, with a grandparent or your sister in law as a second trustee. That way it’s clear. I don’t think it’s sensible to give assets to your brother, then the kids will have nothing once they’re 18. You could leave him an interest or right to live in your house though.

Best to talk it all through with a lawyer.

Or he could marry, not get around to making his own will and have a fatal accident himself.

That sounds fatalistic and morbid, but really, you do have to make allowances for various scenarios.

#25 Chchgirl

Posted 11 May 2019 - 02:41 PM

View PostMands09, on 11 May 2019 - 12:39 PM, said:

What would the impact of your DH leaving $10-20k to his mum and sister in his will be on you and the kids if he dies first long before you? I think that’s the point you really need to raise with him rather than the future impact on the girls if you both die together (not as likely an outcome).

Hopefully your lawyer will be experiences enough that they can talk some sense into him. Ours was great, she had a story for everything!

Absolutely this. Our lawyer went through all scenarios whem i was pregnant with dd1 years ago, he was right, i never expected to be a widow at 44. I had to re do my will then and now again again 7 years later.




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