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Thinking of having a 3rd, after advice

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15 replies to this topic

#1 kris85

Posted 28 April 2019 - 06:46 PM

Hi guys,
Just needing to have a chat really, I've exhausted this topic with my husband and friends and just need a fresh perspective and I'm going around in circles in my head!

I'm 34 and have a 7 and almost 5 year old - boy and girl. They're great.. we're a content happy little family.

Over a year ago now we took in a foster child - he was 8 months old when we got him and he just left a couple of months ago at 20 months. So we had him for a year. We totally fell in love with him and it tore our hearts out him leaving.

I was always content with 2 and didn't think I wanted a 3rd. But after having our foster kid I realised how great 3 can be and the wonderful dynamic they all had. Now I really want a 3rd! Yes it was more work, but I didn't feel like I was drowning, perhaps because my two are a bit older too?

My husband is very on the fence with a 3rd. He is totally happy with our lives and doesn't want to rock the boat so to speak - why fix something that ain't broken. We have no idea how a 3rd may impact us. I see all the good they can bring and the love and happiness, but he is worried it may have a negative impact (on the kids, stress, money etc). I do totally see his point of view, and do agree to an extent. But I should also mention he is totally happy to have another one if it's something I want, he's not saying no he just has reservations. I would never do it if he didn't want it.

We have a big enough house, car etc.. suppose it's more the long term things like holidays, activities etc that we know would add extra costs. But I also understand you can't put a price on a child.

I know I can't ask people to tell me what to do!! I just wonder if anyone has some advice, how hard it really is.. long term impacts.. and if having two that are that bit older may actually work in our favour. I've read a lot of forums where people say they wanted a 3rd and kind of regretted it after actually having one, and that totally scares me.

Anyway, appreciate any stories or advice! Thanks so much :)

Edited by kris85, 28 April 2019 - 06:50 PM.

#2 José

Posted 28 April 2019 - 06:47 PM

there's a recent thread about having a third child.
perhaps start by reviewing that?

#3 Soontobegran

Posted 28 April 2019 - 06:53 PM

Do it :)

#4 SummerStar

Posted 28 April 2019 - 07:13 PM

I'd read the other thread. From what I kept up with majority said don't do it.

Edited by SummerStar, 28 April 2019 - 07:13 PM.

#5 Veritas Vinum Arte

Posted 28 April 2019 - 07:25 PM

I was one of the older 2 when the much younger 3rd arrived. My experience was do not go for large age gap third.

I had my 3 in just over 4 yrs. TBH I would not recommend 3. Early on it was easy, but as kids grow it gets harder. Holidays become more prohibitive in the expense as it is not just another flight, but requirement of a second room or super expensive suite to accommodate 5.

#6 Kallie88

Posted 28 April 2019 - 07:31 PM

Do you think more fostering would fill the gap your feeling? I think if you can and want to: do it, but just wondering if you've thought about it.

Edited by Kallie88, 28 April 2019 - 07:31 PM.

#7 lozoodle

Posted 28 April 2019 - 07:45 PM

Having a third is awesome. I'd have a fourth if DP hadn't had the snip (at my request... my big regret, acting in haste haha)

#8 cabbage88

Posted 28 April 2019 - 08:02 PM

I loved my little sister that was the third in my family with a 7 year age gap between me and her (I was the middle). I'm so glad my mum just went for it, at 43!!
I didn't get a say in having three- my second came in a pair :-D but I absolutely love it.
I know people jump down your throat if you say this, but this is my truth for me- I'll never regret more, I'll regret what I didn't have. Though I'm sure I have my limit somewhere soon!

#9 ~J_WTF~

Posted 28 April 2019 - 08:12 PM

View Postcabbage88, on 28 April 2019 - 08:02 PM, said:

I know people jump down your throat if you say this, but this is my truth for me- I'll never regret more, I'll regret what I didn't have. Though I'm sure I have my limit somewhere soon!

The difference is you said I’LL never regret more... Generally this line is said with the implication that no one ever regrets the kids they have but will always regret bot having them, often used by prolifers!! That’s when people will jump down your throat because many people regret kids every day!!

For me it’s a hell no, don’t have a third. My third has challenged us in every way with additional needs and I can see how easier out life would be if we had stopped at two. We love her, everything we do is for her and to make her life easier but it’s taken it’s toll!

#10 littleboysmum

Posted 28 April 2019 - 08:39 PM

My third has brought me more joy than I ever thought possible. We all adore him and my big two have he most beautiful relationships with him. I loved his baby years and his toddler years and we are now moving into the preschool years. I wish he would slow down a little so I could enjoy it all more. Not everyone has my experience though. We have been very very lucky. We haven’t found it too hard or beyond us financially. We still travel, still do everything we did with two. I say go for it. But I know not everyone will give the same advice.

#11 WannabeMasterchef

Posted 28 April 2019 - 09:00 PM

View PostVeritas Vinum Arte, on 28 April 2019 - 07:25 PM, said:

I was one of the older 2 when the much younger 3rd arrived. My experience was do not go for large age gap third.

Do you consider 5 years to be a really big gap? (well probably 6 I suppose in OPs case)

Im about to have my 3rd with a 6 year gap and most of the feedback Ive read is that its a good age gap!

#12 Sweet.Pea

Posted 28 April 2019 - 09:12 PM

Do you want a 3rd child or do you want your foster boy back in your family?

If you were content with your family of 2, then I just question the above.

#13 Summer81

Posted 28 April 2019 - 09:52 PM

My 2 older kids are both at school this year and I had a baby last November. I LOVE having a bigger age gap between 2 and 3 because I get time at home with bub alone and the older kids are much more self sufficient.

It's kind of like having the first one again but this time around I know what I'm doing so I'm enjoying it more :)

I love having 3 and I'm so glad we had her. But she is an easy going happy baby (though not much of a sleeper) and is healthy thus far so we are lucky.

I feel your pain in the decision! We agonized over the decision for a long time (2 years) but we are both so glad now we had her.

But that's just my story... individual experiences may differ :)

#14 Prancer is coming

Posted 28 April 2019 - 10:17 PM

I love my 3 and would not change things.  It is really busy and chaotic, but I think I would not know what to do with easy children and a quiet life.

Things I find hard are not having enough time to spend with each child.  The youngest is obviously the most needy, but the others are needy too which can get forgotten to an extent given they are self sufficient.  Also, my older is now doing activities that are just not suitable for my youngest.  Either the times are really late, which is okay if DH is home but he isn’t always, or it is the wrong type of activity (my busy 6 year old is not going to sit happily and quietly at a public speaking competition).

What about another foster child?

Edited by Prancer is coming, 28 April 2019 - 10:18 PM.

#15 tintin78

Posted 02 May 2019 - 09:03 PM

I was the same age and my kids were similar ages when we decided to try for a 3rd. My youngest had just started kindy and we’d always wanted another.

Well, in my case my 3rd became no. 3&4. Twins. After the initial shock, it was fantastic. I love having 3&4. It’s a huge adjustment though. We have had to cut back on things and forego holidays. It’s tough trying to juggle everything, but I love being so busy all the time.

My advice is to talk to your husband and make the decision together. Don’t worry about what other people think and their experiences...go with your hearts and make the decision together x

#16 Jersey Caramel

Posted 15 May 2019 - 02:32 PM

I am a huge fan of 3. Yes,  it's more expensive,  yes it is busier.  And there is always a risk that due to personality or special needs the 3rd child will make life way more difficult.  But we have found having three really fun, there are more combinations of relationships, and we feel more like a 'proper family' than I did in my own family growing up (2 kids). There were a few years where dragging a baby/toddler around to the older child's soccer training,  music lessons etc was extremely tedious, but ours are now 11/9/5 and life is lovely.

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