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Teens and boyfriends sleeping over


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#1 Nasty Butterfly

Posted 20 April 2019 - 06:53 PM

DD15 has her first boyfriend. She keeps asking if he can sleep over and insists I’m being completely unfair because I say no.

She says they haven’t even had their first kiss yet so I’m being completely over dramatic and that they just want to spend more time together. Also complicating things is that there are quite a few parents that are ok with the whole boyfriend sleeping over thing so apparently I’m the odd one out here.

So EB, help me out with some wisdom here. If you have teens have you let their significant others sleep over and if yes from what age?

If not, what was your reasoning and did your teens respect that and stop giving you a hard time?



#2 Mrs Claus

Posted 20 April 2019 - 07:02 PM

No I don’t see the need, they can stay till late and come round early

#3 Expelliarmus

Posted 20 April 2019 - 07:07 PM

DD1 did not have her boyfriend sleep over but it was something well established due to our religious beliefs way before she had a boyfriend.

I wouldn’t have a problem now at 18 if a significant other stayed over but I don’t think it is likely to happen.

I used to stay over at my boyfriends places as a young adult although we didn’t sleep in the same bed as we didn’t have a sexual relationship. But I stayed over in their family homes a lot. I don’t have a problem with it but would want it to be after high school/18yo.

#4 ~J_WTF~

Posted 20 April 2019 - 07:09 PM

I have teens. DH and I have discussed this at length and we are ok with sleepovers from 16, of the relationship is a long standing one, about 6ish months.

For us, we accept sex is going to happen and we would prefer it happen somewhere safe and where protection is readily available.

#5 pinkandgold

Posted 20 April 2019 - 07:16 PM

For some reason 16 is our "benchmark age" as well but I have a DS.

I'd also probably insist on separate sleeping arrangements - i.e. I wouldn't feel comfortable if they were both sleeping in DS's bedroom, same bed with the door closed (or even open!).

#6 can'tstayaway

Posted 20 April 2019 - 07:17 PM

View Post~J_WTF~, on 20 April 2019 - 07:09 PM, said:

I have teens. DH and I have discussed this at length and we are ok with sleepovers from 16, of the relationship is a long standing one, about 6ish months.

For us, we accept sex is going to happen and we would prefer it happen somewhere safe and where protection is readily available.
Our position is very similar to this except we don’t have a set age when it can begin. We’re not too concerned because they don’t have boy/girlfriends yet and no signs of finding one for a while.

This has upset one of our friends who has a daughter and it really upsets her that we would ‘potentially’ allow her daughter to stay against her wishes. We would rather know that our kids are safe and have a relationship with where they feel comfortable being open and honest with us. It’s not that we’re encouraging them to have sex but we don’t believe prohibition works.

#7 countrychic29

Posted 20 April 2019 - 07:21 PM

As someone who ended up marrying my high school BF, I’m against it, we started dating when I was 14 and it moved very slowly as it should.
At 14 I was not allowed sleepovers, by 15-16 so 18-2years in however BF had to sleep in my brothers room.

As BF parents knew this, I also had to sleep in separate room until I was 18, you know what it didn’t hurt us!
We were the exception many friends parents were cool with it surprisingly and as much as I disliked it at the time I respected my parents decision.

#8 ytt

Posted 20 April 2019 - 07:25 PM

Just no. in our house

We did not allow partners while at school. DD left school at end of year 10 and her boyfriend that she didn't have in school (lol) asked her out.

DD is 16, I'll have to rethink when she gets older... DS 19 has never had a partner and thinks girls are too much hard work to bother.

DD's boyfriends family are screwed up... apparently his parents will not let them travel until they are married WTF??? DD wants to drive to QLD after her boyfriend finishes school. According to his mum this won't happen. I hope DD only marries if she wants to, if she wants a long term relationship with boyfriend I'm happy with that and I'm happy for them to travel. I'd rather they not marry so they can travel and work out if a long term relationship is for them..

Having issues with his family at the moment....

#9 ~J_WTF~

Posted 20 April 2019 - 07:29 PM

View Postcan, on 20 April 2019 - 07:17 PM, said:

Our position is very similar to this except we don’t have a set age when it can begin. We’re not too concerned because they don’t have boy/girlfriends yet and no signs of finding one for a while.

This has upset one of our friends who has a daughter and it really upsets her that we would ‘potentially’ allow her daughter to stay against her wishes. We would rather know that our kids are safe and have a relationship with where they feel comfortable being open and honest with us. It’s not that we’re encouraging them to have sex but we don’t believe prohibition works.

This is very much how we feel.

We both had interesting teen years and things occurred in places that were dodgy and potentially dangerous and we want to avoid that for our kids, so we have made different decisions to our own parents.

Like you we arent actively encouraging sex but as you said prohibition doesnt work. If they want to do it, they will be.

What is it your friend is upset about, surely she gets to say if her daughter stays somewhere or not?

#10 Silverstreak

Posted 20 April 2019 - 07:44 PM

Perhaps sleeping over in separate rooms (or the boyfriend can sleep on the couch) at least until your DD is 16?

At least that way the boyfriend can stay for dinner and not have to worry about travelling home late on public transport, or paying for an expensive taxi (assuming he is still too young to drive.)

The reality is though, if teens are in a sexual relationship, they will find a work around. I was 17 when I had my first boyfriend (who was 19) and we weren't allowed to sleep in the same room at either his house or mine. That didn't stop us from sleeping together, although it's easier to find locations for this if one partner has a driver's licence.

Personally, I would like to think I'd be cool with it as a parent as long as DS and his partner were over the age of consent, as  I'd prefer they were somewhere safe, with access to contraception. This is a long way in the future though and DS is young for his age, so this is all very theoretical and who knows how I'll feel about things in nine years time!

#11 lennie

Posted 20 April 2019 - 08:07 PM

I was just about to post the same question! Dd is 16, first real boyfriend - nice boy from school, she has been very open about ‘being in a relationship’. Complicated by fact that she spends time at her dads house, who is a lot less strict on stuff than I am. Must admit my life flashed before me when I saw the first ‘public display of affection’ when the boyfriend came to watch her play sport - where did my ‘baby’ go!!

#12 Lucrezia Borgia

Posted 20 April 2019 - 08:09 PM

at 16 i think - for us.


#13 Sweet.Pea

Posted 20 April 2019 - 08:17 PM

View Post~J_WTF~, on 20 April 2019 - 07:09 PM, said:

I have teens. DH and I have discussed this at length and we are ok with sleepovers from 16, of the relationship is a long standing one, about 6ish months.

For us, we accept sex is going to happen and we would prefer it happen somewhere safe and where protection is readily available.

I think this is sensible.

Length of relationship is very important too.

#14 seayork2002

Posted 20 April 2019 - 08:28 PM

I am not sure what I think really but if they sleep over or not will one 'option' encourage or discourage anything really? They can still have sex during the day or go elsewhere?

So again I am not sure until I am specifically in this situation.

I was 23 before I wanted a boyfriend anyway (no reason it is just what I felt) so my parents did have that with me, nor did DH have it happen with his parents.

#15 Lucrezia Borgia

Posted 20 April 2019 - 08:40 PM

View Postseayork2002, on 20 April 2019 - 08:28 PM, said:

I am not sure what I think really but if they sleep over or not will one 'option' encourage or discourage anything really? They can still have sex during the day or go elsewhere?

So again I am not sure until I am specifically in this situation.

I was 23 before I wanted a boyfriend anyway (no reason it is just what I felt) so my parents did have that with me, nor did DH have it happen with his parents.

20 for me....no reason other than happenstance ...i probably wanted one before then but didn’t know any boys and had no means (really) of meeting them. but i think that’s rare, tbh. it was rare back in 1990 and it would be rarer now. i think i need to be realistic and know that by 16 it could be a very scenario for my kids...

#16 #YKG

Posted 20 April 2019 - 09:00 PM

Going by my friends with teens, the whole “everyone’s parents let bf/gf sleep over”, when the friends parents were asked it was a resounding hell no, so not accurate.

In the end I think it depends on what you are comfortable with, boyfriends were t allowed over night sleep overs at our house until 18, even then we didn’t have sex when parents or siblings were in the house.

One of my friends had his in-laws stay for 2 weeks recently, the amount of discussions we had about how to have sex without the in-laws hearing was hilarious (yes his wife knew of these convos), in the end he wasn’t comfortable and didn’t happen until they left.

#17 Nasty Butterfly

Posted 20 April 2019 - 09:04 PM

Thanks for the replies.

I have similar thoughts to a few of you that I’d rather when DD’s are sexually active that they are safe and that they will find a way to do it regardless of sleepovers. However, I don’t want to accelerate things by giving them too much access.

I always figured this would only become an issue once she was sexually active and then we’d have contraception etc all sorted out.

As it is now, they are both adamant they are a long way off any sexual activities. I’m more concerned she is a bit naive about how quickly things can escalate in the moment once they get started.

I’m leaning heavily towards making 16 the minimum age before we even consider sleepovers.

#18 Babetty

Posted 20 April 2019 - 09:06 PM

While I had a BF at 16 (grade 12) I would have been horrified if my parents had let him stay over. I so wasn't ready for sex - and knew I wasn't interested in that serious a relationship - so if my parents had ever indicated that it was ok for him to sleep over I would have felt sort of rushed into something more serious than I wanted.

I'm probably not explaining it well, but my knowledge that having a BF sleep over was never ever going to happen sort of reassured me in my knowledge that it was ok to not want a sexual relationship at 16.

I have no idea what I will do with my kids!!

#19 Mollycoddle

Posted 20 April 2019 - 10:02 PM

View Post~J_WTF~, on 20 April 2019 - 07:09 PM, said:


For us, we accept sex is going to happen and we would prefer it happen somewhere safe and where protection is readily available.

I always have a giggle at this one because I guarantee that your home isn't the only place they'll be having sex. They'll also be doing it at parties, in cars, in nightclub toilets, I could go on...

#20 ~J_WTF~

Posted 20 April 2019 - 10:06 PM

View PostMollycoddle, on 20 April 2019 - 10:02 PM, said:

I always have a giggle at this one because I guarantee that your home isn't the only place they'll be having sex. They'll also be doing it at parties, in cars, in nightclub toilets, I could go on...

Ya think....

If thats is all you took from what I said, well thats a tad sad!!

#21 lozoodle

Posted 20 April 2019 - 10:09 PM

I was allowed when I was 16 with my boyfriend sometimes BUT it was pretty well supervised and we slept in separate rooms. That was cool with us as we weren't interested in that part of it, just hanging out watching tv of a night together etc. I wouldn't have even entertained the thought of sex at home with my parents there. We went to external places for that ;)

ps totally lost my virginity in the middle of the day when mum wasn't even home as shed ducked out for 20 mins... and lets face it we all know a guy for his first time only needs 17 seconds.

Edited by lozoodle, 20 April 2019 - 10:12 PM.


#22 ExpatInAsia

Posted 20 April 2019 - 10:13 PM

We have not decided on an age yet. I snuck out at times as a teenager breaking my parents rules - it can be character building. Teens can be smart and enterprising - I don’t think we need to make everything so easy for them

#23 DM. 2012

Posted 20 April 2019 - 10:42 PM

I don’t think I’d want my almost 16 year old step son to have a girlfriend (or boyfriend if that’s what he wanted) stay over.  I don’t think I ever would, we have a small house and our room is right near his. I’d rather not know what he’s up to in that context. Having said that, I don’t think anyone would want to stay over in the stink hole that is his bedroom.

When I was 15 or so (30 years ago!) some friend and I (mixed sex including my boyfriend) had some sleep overs in a tent in a friends back yard. Nothing happened and I would have thought of it anyway.

Edited by DM. 2012, 20 April 2019 - 10:43 PM.


#24 steppy

Posted 20 April 2019 - 10:58 PM

We allowed sleepovers but not in the same bed. I'm sure sex went on, but we didn't support it in any way except provision of birth control. The idea of ending up with another couple in the house followed by babies and the expectation that our lives were over so we shouldn't mind babysitting every weekend was just too horrible.

#25 76 others

Posted 20 April 2019 - 11:06 PM

DS17 and his gf have been together a year and they sleep at ours or hers nearly every night (mostly ours). They're both in year 12 and travel to school together. I got him a lock for his door for privacy. They have done a few house sitting stints for 2 weeks at a time at her mums house where they get to play grown ups.

I have no problem with any of it.




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