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Rant/vent - ASD, socialising, acceptance


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#1 Ozquoll

Posted 15 April 2019 - 09:32 PM

Forgive me EB - I need to get this off my chest, and I know I’ll regret it if I say it in real life. Please don’t quote, I will delete it later.

I have Aspergers, or ASD if you will. My father has it, my son has it, various other extended family members have it too. My very much non-ASD sister has always been my great friend and support, but she doesn’t *really* think I have Asperger’s, or at least she minimises it. She has a soon-to-be ex-H and a daughter who both have ASD and ADHD, so perhaps she just thinks because I am not quite as extreme as them I don’t have it. Whenever a situation comes up that glaringly highlights that I have ASD, she tries to find another reason for it rather than me having ASD. We have had many situations where we meet new people at the same time because our kids are the same age and do lots of things together - she always makes friends with other parents in these situations, I never do. I’m aware that I am awkward and people don’t like me, but somehow it makes it worse when she tries to make out that I would have made friends with these people too if I’d been at the gate at the same time, or lived in the same street with them, or tried harder, or something.

Now my sister has told me that she is going to a dinner with a group of parents whom we both know. The connection is that they all have at least one child with ASD. I don’t want to go - I genuinely hate socialising and would be happy to never meet another new person the rest of my life - but it somehow seems a bitter irony that I am so unlikeably Aspie I cannot get invited to a meet-up specifically for people with ASD kids. And I can tell my sister was tiptoeing around the subject and only told me about it because I tried to arrange something on the same night as the dinner with the ASD parents.

I’m not even sure what I’m ranting about. ASD? My sister? Being incapable of making friends? Not being able to help my Aspie son with social connections because I don’t bloody well have any myself? I dunno. I just know I feel cranky and frustrated and if I see an ad for a hermit’s cottage in the middle of a dark forest, I’m moving there.

#2 Pooks Combusted

Posted 15 April 2019 - 09:49 PM

It’s not cool that she downplays your ASD and I wonder what that’s really about for her. I suspect from what you’ve described it might be partly because if she accepted it, then she’d have to confront some kinda sh*tty behaviour on her own part, and confront the fact that she’s participating in the exact same social exclusion that she worries about for her own child.

I don’t say that to be critical of her, because I’m in a similar boat. My husband isn’t formally diagnosed, although his psychiatrist agreed he probably is Aspie but at this stage he doesn’t want to pursue dX. It’s taking me a bit of time to get my head around it, and at least part of the reason is that it leaves me feeling like I’ve been a bit of a d*ck, and I so desperately want the rest of the world to not be a d*ck to my autistic child. But I’ve done those same things. To him.

Anyways. It might be that you don’t want to participate but an invitation would have been nice. It’s not a hard thing to let someone know they’re welcome, even if you completely understand that their likelihood of wanting to attend is low.

#3 Ozquoll

Posted 15 April 2019 - 10:59 PM

The funny thing is my sister has always been super accepting of me - I was a very weird child indeed and she is the only person who never gave me sh*t about it, either then or now. It’s almost like she is so willing to look for my good or redeeming qualities that she refuses to see what other people see and react to. With this ASD parent dinner thing she wasn’t the one arranging it so she couldn’t invite me. She would know I would have declined anyway so no point. And of course these people don’t know I have Asperger’s.

Don’t beat yourself up about misinterpreting your husband’s actions in the past - it is a bit hard to see where dickishness ends and ASD starts, sometimes.....

#4 CallMeFeral

Posted 15 April 2019 - 11:59 PM

I wonder if it's that thing where people feel like normal is aspirational, so if they can persuade you that you're neurotypical they think you will somehow feel better?

Not that invalidation ever makes anyone feel better, but trying to convince people of what they wish were true is so very common...

#5 cabbage88

Posted 16 April 2019 - 07:08 AM

I have ADHD,as does my dd1. My son is ASD as is my brother. My hubby is ADHD, and in my strong opinion so is his mum and sister. I don't think his mum believes in adhd, so rejects that diagnosis for her son her granddaughter and her family. Actually...a lot of my family reject this stuff. It's annoying because it really belittles the challenges we face, and why it's so damn hard as adhd parents to raise an adhd kid. Like how do you teach emotional regulation that you don't have? It kinda just makes you think they must think you're just an Angry and grumpy parent raising an undisciplined and unruly child. Because if you don't believe in adhd that's kinda all you see.
Stuff them... I'm a big believer in neurodiversity and if extended family don't get that Good luck to them.
Bloody damn annoying when they give you crap advice though. "Just try harder here..." ugh

#6 Chaotic Pogo

Posted 16 April 2019 - 09:25 PM

I get it Ozquoll.

I can be great at masking but it really gives me the pip to have people that should know me downplay my challenges. Cos I’m only a little bit, or everyone is a bit autistic too. Thanks mum.

And PPS don’t you think it is insanely ironic that the NDIS will try to convince you that you, the parent with ASD, are the best choice for delivering social therapy and emotional regulation therapy to your kid with ASD.

Cos, you know, it’s cheaper than getting a trained NT to do it.

#7 Ozquoll

Posted 16 April 2019 - 10:13 PM

View PostChaotic Pogo, on 16 April 2019 - 09:25 PM, said:

, or everyone is a bit autistic too.

And PPS don’t you think it is insanely ironic that the NDIS will try to convince you that you, the parent with ASD, are the best choice for delivering social therapy and emotional regulation therapy to your kid with ASD.

Cos, you know, it’s cheaper than getting a trained NT to do it.
Argghhh, “everyone is a bit autistic”!! How I hate that phrase 🤯. If everyone was a bit autistic, those of us who really are would not have as many troubles as we do.

On the NDIS/therapy point, I struggle (not always, but often) with getting my DS therapy because I am incredibly disorganised and can easily let a five-minute task slide for months at a time. Then when I do manage to book something in, I find interacting with the therapists extremely anxiety-provoking. Except for his first speechie, she was an absolute angel 😇. And yeah, I am almost the last person to teach him about expected social behaviours 😆.

#8 Chaotic Pogo

Posted 18 April 2019 - 09:28 PM

So, maybe the parent dinner was for NT parents of ASD kids, who feel uncomfortable venting  about ASD kids to someone who actually is autistic?

I can tie myself in knots thinking this stuff through.

Someone once told  me ‘you can always see another point of view, I never thought of it that way’. Yep. I can see all 7 of them, I just don’t know which is really correct.

#9 Ozquoll

Posted 18 April 2019 - 10:07 PM

View PostChaotic Pogo, on 18 April 2019 - 09:28 PM, said:

So, maybe the parent dinner was for NT parents of ASD kids, who feel uncomfortable venting  about ASD kids to someone who actually is autistic?

I can tie myself in knots thinking this stuff through.

Someone once told  me ‘you can always see another point of view, I never thought of it that way’. Yep. I can see all 7 of them, I just don’t know which is really correct.
These parents don’t know I’m autistic, and they are all really lovely people (hmm, except one) who I highly doubt would be kvetching about their offspring in anything but the mildest way.

#10 Odd-1-Out

Posted 18 April 2019 - 10:18 PM

View PostChaotic Pogo, on 18 April 2019 - 09:28 PM, said:



I can tie myself in knots thinking this stuff through.

Someone once told  me ‘you can always see another point of view, I never thought of it that way’. Yep. I can see all 7 of them, I just don’t know which is really correct.

You have just described how I feel daily.




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