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How do you not become jaded with all the abuse out there?


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#26 schwatzen

Posted 14 March 2019 - 09:51 PM

I feel like we as women are always overcompensating for the sins of bad men so other men don't feel bad or are put out. Screw that! The burden shouldn't be on us to tiptoe around them and not make them feel bad. Men need to stop gaslighting, they need to be involved in the heavy lifting of the burden of bad men. I refuse to feel guilty for being wary and mistrusting.

No one blames an abused animal for mistrusting all humans in general until they can prove themselves trustworthy.

#27 nup

Posted 14 March 2019 - 10:32 PM

Anger is due to overwhelm; look up the anger iceberg. I think many women who don't feel well supported struggle with it. I know I have. Hyper vigilance can be trauma or anxiety related. Do you have someone you can debrief with? Would you feel comfortable asking your dr if there are more specialised supports available? I find talking to parents of children at the same stage incredibly reassuring as they often have similar experiences but trauma related events tend to induce misplaced concern or discomfort in others. As if I made it all happen.

#28 annodam

Posted 15 March 2019 - 10:00 AM

View Postschwatzen, on 13 March 2019 - 08:50 AM, said:

Yeah, no i don't trust anyone and i assume that every male is a predator whether they're a stranger or someone i know. Just accept it and live life accordingly. Drill it into your children to speak up to you about people who make them feel uncomfortable, get them to listen to that flippy feeling in their stomach, get them to understand grooming tactics, make sure you teach them and they have firm boundaries.

My parents did this to me and i am forever grateful. I do this to my daughter too. She doesn't need the world sugarcoated for her. It is what it is. She doesn't go to sleep at night afraid. She feels prepared.

Trust is for suckers IMO.




This is me as well.
I trust no one & I don't apologise for it either.

#29 Ruf~Feral~es

Posted 15 March 2019 - 10:13 AM

View Postschwatzen, on 14 March 2019 - 03:17 PM, said:

I'm honest to god so over people trying to gaslight others into believing we shouldn't be cautious or overly protective or jaded and cynical. I mean that's what predators want us to think. That it probably won't happen to MY kid so i'll just send them off into the world with a bit of knowledge and keep my fingers crossed. Wouldn't that be nice for them?

I worry about people who aren't MORE jaded or angry about the amount of abuse men commit. It's a goddamn epidemic.

I think we are using the term 'jaded' differently?  I don't want people to be jaded - to me that means bored and 'over it', not really interested anymore. (If they ever were).

I want people to be ANGRY, to stand up for our children, to stand against the epidemic of men who are perpetrating fear, violence and abuse on vulnerable.

To me, this is the opposite of jaded and cyncial - "it's too hard and too sad and I can't change it anyway, what a shame.....", #notallmen, etc.

#30 nup

Posted 15 March 2019 - 10:18 AM

Ruffles the only people acknowledging it are those burnt by it. The people working it who are a acknowledging it are underresourced and outnumber by corrupt manipulators bent out if shape by anyone who questions their authority. The law has it's limits and the parliament are not interested in filling in the gaps needed

#31 IamtheMumma

Posted 15 March 2019 - 10:38 AM

My solution was to not date. I waited until the kids were teenagers before repartnering (which turned out to be a huge mess) and now that I have a young child at home again, I'm back in the not dating. By the time hes a teen, I'll be well into my 50s so unlikely to find someone.

Such is life.

#32 Chicken Pie

Posted 15 March 2019 - 11:10 AM

View PostSerinitynow, on 13 March 2019 - 08:03 AM, said:

I think you can’t just trust your gut. You need to actively enquire and protect your kids. For example, I trust my husband, my father and my brothers in law implicitly (these are the only men who spend time alone with any of my kids). But I still keep an eye on interactions and ensure my kids know they can always tell me anything about anyone and we discuss what is appropriate fairly regularly.
pretty much this, not just gut but signs and interactions and conversations with kids re being open and no fear - without "leading" or prompting so to speak

my sister and i were abused - unrelated experiences and people - as a result i am hyper vigilant and frankly i am glad i am

#33 nup

Posted 15 March 2019 - 12:46 PM

Hmmmm. I always thought mums who denied abuse were just awful complacent parents who valued their spouse over the protection of their children. Until I was that woman claiming doors were always left open at home, I had heard and seen appropriate behaviours and normal family interactions around personal safety. I did all the right things but still got it all wrong. There is just no way I could explain what might have happened.

#34 Ruf~Feral~es

Posted 15 March 2019 - 01:04 PM

Quote

I always thought mums who denied abuse were just awful complacent parents who valued their spouse over the protection of their children.


So did I.  But yes, sometimes vigilance isn't enough.  Or sometimes they are also abused, frightened, and victims in their own right.  

Victims of these #@&$ men that we seem to be talking about more and more.   I despair.

#35 Mollycoddle

Posted 15 March 2019 - 01:09 PM

View PostIamtheMumma, on 15 March 2019 - 10:38 AM, said:

My solution was to not date. I waited until the kids were teenagers before repartnering (which turned out to be a huge mess) and now that I have a young child at home again, I'm back in the not dating. By the time hes a teen, I'll be well into my 50s so unlikely to find someone.

Such is life.

This is me too.  No interest at all in finding another partner, for reasons other than this but it's also one less thing to worry about.

#36 Chchgirl

Posted 15 March 2019 - 07:03 PM

View PostIamtheMumma, on 15 March 2019 - 10:38 AM, said:

My solution was to not date. I waited until the kids were teenagers before repartnering (which turned out to be a huge mess) and now that I have a young child at home again, I'm back in the not dating. By the time hes a teen, I'll be well into my 50s so unlikely to find someone.

Such is life.

I'm nearly 51 and my daughter tells me I should date again. I'm no oil painting, but it's slim pickings out there.

So it's just dogs for me..

#37 annodam

Posted 19 March 2019 - 09:13 AM

^  I reckon if I ever became single (I'm mid-40s now) I'd stay single & just have dogs, my eldest turns 18yo soon & my youngest is 10yo but for the moment we're coming up to 20yrs next Feb.

My cousin (through marriage) though really wants to leave her husband.
He's an absolute pig & I'm embarrassed to be related to him!
Their 19yo son (my nephew) found disgusting e-Mails to sex workers.  He accidentally left his e-Mail open as his wife who is not computer savvy at all, so would never even think to check.
Unbeknownst to him, his eldest son jumped on the PC & there it all was in black & white!  
Anyhow, she threatened to leave & then gets a phone call from his sister (also my cousin) threatening to take her to court & she'll make sure that she loses the half the house.
Something she has worked so hard for.
The family come from money, so she cannot afford to take the chance.

I feel so sorry for her!  She's trapped!
The constant lies & deceit is just staggering.
He secretly went & took out a loan & gambled it all away, he wrote off her car, he racked up thousands upon thousands of $ in speeding & parking fines.
She receives a phone call the other day telling her there is a warrant out for her arrest because of the unpaid fines she knew nothing about!
He was throwing out the fines that were coming in the mail!
So now it's too late to nominate the correct driver!
She organised to pay back the fines by having her wages garnished whilst he lays around at home smoking weed all day.
He is recuperating from a heart attack atm in which he was actually dead & the defib brought him back to life
Luckily for him he collapsed whilst he was playing Baseball & he was surrounded by people!
Anyway, the only way she'll get rid of him now is if he's 6ft under unfortunately.
Either that or wait until her youngest son turns 18 in 4yrs time & strike up enough courage to leave him...

#38 schwatzen

Posted 19 March 2019 - 02:17 PM

View PostIamtheMumma, on 15 March 2019 - 10:38 AM, said:

My solution was to not date. I waited until the kids were teenagers before repartnering (which turned out to be a huge mess) and now that I have a young child at home again, I'm back in the not dating. By the time hes a teen, I'll be well into my 50s so unlikely to find someone.

Such is life.

Technically i date, but i'm not interested in another relationship ever again. And by date i mean i occasionally go out a few times a year to have a drink or dinner with a man. Usually by date 3 i'm bored of them. So i get to experience only the good side of their personality when they're putting their best foot forward. It's all down hill from the first few dates anyway. I occasionally need to be reminded i'm not missing out on anything!

#39 anon039

Posted 20 March 2019 - 06:59 PM

View Postschwatzen, on 19 March 2019 - 02:17 PM, said:



Technically i date, but i'm not interested in another relationship ever again. And by date i mean i occasionally go out a few times a year to have a drink or dinner with a man. Usually by date 3 i'm bored of them. So i get to experience only the good side of their personality when they're putting their best foot forward. It's all down hill from the first few dates anyway. I occasionally need to be reminded i'm not missing out on anything!

I can relate!!

So what happens after 3 dates?
Is that when it becomes really clear as to why he’s single and his wife left him??

That’s my experience!




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