How to get over wanting another child
, Jan 15 2019 02:17 PM
40 replies to this topic
Posted 16 January 2019 - 02:38 PM
Future-self, on 15 January 2019 - 03:03 PM, said:
I’ll be honest, I would have loved another. I get a stab when I hear of friend having a third - hell, even when a blogger I follow announced they were pregnant with a third recently I felt my stomach swoop.
This is how I feel too. Gosh how I’d love a third!
I have two boys too OP and have always thought I’d have three boys (even before we started our family). There is a very real grief that we may not, probably won’t. My DH doesn’t really understand. He has all the practical reasons why we shouldn’t and my head agrees. My heart is not convinced.
It’s so hard. What stings the most is that DH says he would have been on board for a third if we’d started earlier. So this is yet another huge sacrifice I’ve seemingly made in the pursuit of my studies (the main factor in delaying starting our family).
hugs to you and others who are feeling this way. Wishing for peace for us all with whatever our ultimate decisions are.
Posted 16 January 2019 - 02:41 PM
My situation is a little different, however beginning to grieve not having another child (DS was an IVF baby) as I have just been through 4 rounds of IVF with no result.
It is harder said than done. I wish you luck!
Posted 16 January 2019 - 03:44 PM
Edited by montycarlo, 16 January 2019 - 03:47 PM.
Posted 16 January 2019 - 07:15 PM
RichardParker, you are a very thoughtful person. I really value your contribution- thank you. It has helped me greatly in this thread.
I am a teacher, so I am around children normally and can probably give a whole lot of love to them (when I return off mat. leave) I would love to work in the field of helping new-parents (or even seasoned parents) eventually. That would be wonderful. I have certainly been there to the dark depths.
Lou-Bags, 3 boys would be my dream too. I did want a girl for a bit now, but gosh the sound of 3 boys sounds so lovely! How old are your two boys?
MamaNita, I am so sorry you have had to go through IVF. That must have been very difficult. Massive, big hugs to you. You have been through so much.
Whilst my mum and dad badly wanted another child (I was an only child), I was very happy. I have the closest relationship with them and I have adored having them all to myself. Ironic, I know.
Edited by blueskies12, 16 January 2019 - 07:17 PM.
Posted 16 January 2019 - 11:00 PM
blueskies12, on 16 January 2019 - 07:15 PM, said:
Lou-Bags, 3 boys would be my dream too. I did want a girl for a bit now, but gosh the sound of 3 boys sounds so lovely! How old are your two boys?
They turned 5 and 2 in September.
I’ve given myself until the youngest turns 3 to really make up my mind for sure. I feel like that will give DH enough time to decide if he can cope with another (as our youngest is quite easy really, for a toddler, and getting easier) and myself time to figure out if I’m willing to push a little for that third or if I can make peace with 2. I’ll be 37 soon and I am conscious of the effect a third pregnancy may have on my already somewhat damaged body.
I’m finding myself saying to women who are discussing starting a family and putting it off that it’s not only the age you are when you have your first you want to think about, but the age you’ll be when you have your last. If you want more than one or two- this needs careful consideration.
Posted 16 January 2019 - 11:45 PM
I have three sons and would have loved a daughter but I now realise what’s best for my family is three and no more. I’m one of those people who will never feel done with babies but can’t handle anymore toddlers. Three sons is great but I’ve also realised that each child presents its own risks/uncertainties and I am not willing to upset the existing dynamic - might this be worth considering?
I try now to always think what’s best for the kids and not my own desire to hold another child, which is frankly, fleeting. Mine are all under 4 and the youngest are twins. I’ve realised that if I’m not ready for another set of twins, I should hold off. That’s a big big adjustment for any and nearly destroyed/s us and it’s not impossible for any couple - no twins in this family.
I had pnd with my first and so so looked forward to that special experience with my second, but sadly ended up missing out on that because they were twins and to say I was/am time-poor is an understatement. I’ve slowly gotten over it and realised that the ‘special’ experience you hope for with your second often does eventuate for lots of women, for a range of reasons. I suppose I’ve come to try and be happy with what I have and the possibility that life might soon be more balanced - but ultimately you may realise you ‘have’ to have another. x
Edited by newmumandexcited, 16 January 2019 - 11:55 PM.
Posted 18 January 2019 - 01:29 PM
Lou-Bags, I really like the idea of giving yourself time. I am in exactly the same boat. I could possibly push DH- not push him, but you get what I mean. He's on the fence, but would need convincing. I think having a deadline is a great idea.
thank you newmumandexcited for your post. I know what you mean about never feeling done with babies. I think I am the same. I have been with my friend and her 8 week old and my goodness they are cute. But I definitely think each child brings their own risks/uncertainties and they really do change the family dynamic. I really LOVED what you said and it struck a chord. My two sons are happy together (well love-hate, but you get what I mean. They are developing a strong bond. My husband is also happy. So really, it is really just me and my desire for another child. I potentially am putting the current 3 daily members out for my own needs/desires. Of course they could all end up over the moon with the third and the third could be easy/slot right in etc, but it may not too. It is interesting to think about. Thank you and thank you for being real and honest. I'm sorry you didn't get that wished-for newborn experience too. You are doing a wonderful job with your sons (all under 4!) and it will all pay off XXX
Posted 19 January 2019 - 07:04 AM
I have 3 children, 2 teenagers and an 8 year old. We always wanted 4 or 5 but conceiving babies and carrying them to term didn't come easy to us. With my last child I almost died due to a pre-existing condition and spent the last trimester in hospital. After my son was delivered and I was OK, all the specialists involved advised DH to get a vasectomy due to the danger of me dying in another pregnancy. DH had the vasectomy when our son was 1 month old.
Initially I was just so happy to be alive, to have a healthy baby, to be a mother to 3 beautiful children. However a year in the yearning and longings for more children surfaced. It wasn't just about a baby, and goodness knows I hated pregnancy, it was about more children in our family, more faces at the dinner table another child to help discover who they are and what passions excite them.
I suffered the same feelings as others her have had as each of my friends had their 4th, 5th, 6th babies. My friends all have big families.
My youngest is 8 and it is only this year that these feelings have reduced. I am only now passing on baby and toddler things. I had always held on to them in the garage just in case. Now it feels freeing to no longer be burdened by the pain and longing. I don't know what suddenly changed this year. Maybe my youngest getting older, having 2 teens and realising a baby would no longer fit and even as they grew a 8 or 9 year age gap would really disrupt our family dynamics. Maybe its the freedom we have no to be impulsive, travel, get a little alone time. Maybe its the beginning of menopause! Who knows.
It has been a challenge though. I did really treasure those younger years with my youngest and still do. I feel for all the women out there going through this. It is not an easy thing for people to understand if they have never been through it.
Sending hugs to all you amazing mothers!
Posted 01 March 2019 - 02:30 PM
So I thought I would write an update. I did see my psychologist and she said to give myself time to process how I am feeling and to see if I did want a third child- not to rush it. I really dislike being up in the air, it makes me even more anxious, so I couldn't do that. So I am trying with the 'make a decision and then life like it is made' option.
My head definitely thinks two is best. My heart still yearns for another. Probably, no doubt fuelled by pregnancies around me. I was the first out of my close friends to have children. So I think I will be surrounded by pregnancies for a while yet. There's something really refreshing and exciting about a clean slate.
My head thinks two for all the reasons I mentioned; two great children, life is busy and tiring as it is, financially we are ok, but 3 may possibly put us over the edge emotionally, physically and financially. We have also had one child diagnosed with ASD and while his needs aren't high, there's not much to say we wouldn't have a third with even greater needs/same level of needs. Not to mention I enjoy giving them one on one time, as I am an introvert and I also enjoy being by myself when I can. Two makes complete sense.
I still feel sad. I like what you said Richard Parker about how you can feel sad and happy all at once. That's exactly how I feel. Sad that I'll never experience pregnancy, or the birth of a child again, never get to love someone else, never get to experience the early years again. Sad to even not have another future 18 year old in the house. Yet, I look a the people around me...my husband, my parents (who do help), my two kids...it is really in their best interest that I stop. That I give whatever else I have left to give to them and also to myself. I'm not sure if I want the full parental responsibility for another child. Having two may give me best chance of positive mental health.
I think what saddened me is that I didn't appreciate/relish in baby-hood with my first. However, upon thinking about it a lot, I no doubt think I suffered both PNA and PND as a result from PTSD initially from almost losing my first at birth. He then had delays, lots of medical appointments and colic/reflux- later diagnosed with ASD. I also have realised that now knowing my own personality/ childhood trauma that it made it nearly impossible to enjoy early motherhood upon my these other circumstances. I guess you could say, I was starting from behind. This helps me accept why I wasn't having coffees at the cafe, smiling adoringly at my baby and why I was overly anxious and stressed. I really regret the way I didn't get enough help, but knowing and accepting my past and who I am has helped.
Part for having 3 children is probably part of my 'fantasy self'. The one I wish to be...the relaxed, easy going, always patient and happy mother, who could have lots of children...Instead I am impatient and need loads of self-care to function as a reasonable mother.
All I can do now, is work on who I am to be the best mother I can be. To give as much as I can to the boys that I have in front of me.
A gratitude journal is helping.
Self-care is helping.
I have also started a parenting bucket-list (so-to-speak). Part of me was really sad that baby and toddler hood was flashing before my eyes and I wasn't appreciating it enough. So a few things I have wanted to do was to have the baby-cino at the cafe with my boys, which I did this week. I also am going to start a vege garden with them and take them to cheap-eat restaurants. Appreciating what I have...
I'm sorry for the long post. Please don't quote, as I may delete. I am a bit embarrassed about how long it is. Thank you for reading.
ETA- I would love to hear anyone else’s updates and/or thoughts X
Edited by blueskies12, 01 March 2019 - 08:42 PM.
Posted 02 March 2019 - 03:36 AM
I really wanted 3 as well. Now I have DS 4.5 and DD 3 years old.
DD was a very difficult baby and she is still very difficult now in many ways, although theres been a big improvement with us learning how to deal with her.
My husband was totally on board with 3 kids before she was born. When she was 6 months old he told me he was done and that hes been reading about vasectomies.
That moment was extremely hard for me. I was very sad, but i didnt want to have another baby with him if i had to talk him into it.
He listed all the good reasons why 2 are perfect and of course in my head it all made sense and he was right, but my heart didnt care.
He did get a vasectomy when DD was about 1.5 years old or so with my agreement and for me it got a lot easier after that.
Since another baby isnt even an option anymore it was easier for me to make peace with it. Maybe its also because some time has passed and our family of 4 works really well right now and everything feels right.
A family friend has 6 kids and she doesnt feel done. Is desperately trying for a 7th now. So yea even if you have a 3rd, the longing might not go away.
Posted 02 March 2019 - 05:52 AM
Blue skies I couldn’t read and not reply as I’ve had these same feelings too.. I really wanted 3 also but our first two were so close together (15months) amd the second was a total shocker, cried almost non stop for 13 months with reflux and dairy intolerances and is so clingy it had been a real struggle. Is even clingy now at 6 have to go to the toilet now etc every single time..
Then our oldest DS was dx with Aspergers/ASD also and I think the youngest became even more clingy as I spent lots of time taking him to specialists.. since then we’ve added ADHD/ODD and possibly auditory processing issues.
I guess what I’m trying to say is I didn’t think our marriage and finances could sustain a third child.
When we approached kinder and school we had lots of appointments with psychologists, OT and paeds and our school journey has been atrocious, still ongoing.
For me knowing another child had a pretty good chance of an ASD dx (family history) made me ok with not having a third. Honestly it takes up so much of my time, mental and emotional capacity at times I honestly some days haven’t much left in the tank for our other child and that makes me sad.
Anyway I just started selling baby stuff as we have a small home anyway and I got over it fairly quickly then early menopause hit at 41 so I knew I was done.
Just my experience, wishing you all the best.
Edited by Charli73, 02 March 2019 - 05:56 AM.
Posted 02 March 2019 - 06:09 AM
blueskies12, on 16 January 2019 - 01:28 PM, said:
Part of me thinks that if I say goodbye to being pregnant/baby stage, then where does that leave me, personally? Your whole life you imagine what your children will look like, will they be boy/girl etc and now that the phase has passed, all it leaves me is looking down the barrell of middle-age ha, ha.
Thank you for listening to me. Sorry for rambling. It is lovely to be able to let it out here.
Where that leaves you is being able to rediscover you. Focus on your career/health/whatever you have put on the back burner. It’s a wonderful phase too x
Posted 02 March 2019 - 07:49 AM
Frankly I just looked after a 4 yo and twin 2 yo with the flu from 7-7 for a series of never ending days, and thought, the sooner this stage is over, the better. If I never have to see another toddler it will be too soon.
Posted 05 March 2019 - 10:27 AM
You sound really insightful and sensible, Blueskies. I totally understand what you mean about the "fantasy mother" idea. That part of me would love more babies. But the other part of me that doesn't cope well with toddlers.... she needs care, too.
In the end, you'll most likely be a good enough mother to more children, and a good enough mother to the ones you have, without having more. The fact that you care deeply about making the decision shows that you are very aware of everyone's needs. But I think sometimes that our most important job is to nurture our own inner child - that's a lifetime's work as well.
Posted 05 March 2019 - 11:15 AM
Sent you a PM Blueskies12 because you asked not to be quoted.
Posted 08 March 2019 - 08:23 PM
Thank you everyone for your replies and your help. Honestly, you have helped me so much. I mean I have got WAY more out of this than I did in the session with the psychologist. When I come on here, people are so supportive, encouraging, patient and helpful. That's really rare in this world today. You have helped me get to the greater issues. Thank you.
In some ways, it is like one step forward, one step back. I am not sure if I am really getting anywhere.
I think what I am wanting is to not actually be me and experience motherhood not as me. To be the fantasy me, the one that never suffers anxiety/social anxiety. Yes, the fantasy mother- the relaxed, easy-going, optimistic one. My friend is having her baby shower. I never had one, I was terrified that if we celebrated it would jinx things with my first. However, in saying that I guess this is a sign to me to not let my anxiety get in the way of the future. To not let life pass me by, because of it. To write down goals and achieve them, despite of it.
I think I most likely am in the best headspace I have ever been in. I have never been happier in my life. I guess, I could say, I just want more of that and that is another reason. I feel more equipped, mentally well and have the skills and it makes me think, wow, yes, let's show the world I can do it! Though, on the other hand. Maybe I should embrace the more relaxed and balanced me! Just enjoy today.
The desire to be pregnant comes and goes. Like the tide really.
But like the lovely Hypnic Jerk said (thank you)...I won't be able to replace the loss of the first time. I will not ever be able to 'fix' it, or replace it.
I do see how much busier life has become. My first has started kindy. Then we have his therapy appointments and swimming lessons, my work etc. And all of that (except the therapy, that might decrease over time) will only increase and life will really only get busier with the two of them as they get older. Is that right? What I am craving is a slower life with kids, and with three it possibly might just be busier.
I have spoken to DH about whether he wants a vasectomy. I am completely supportive and understanding of it if he chooses to go ahead with it. If he feels that strongly to do that, then I need to be supportive.
I sort of hope that I will fall pregnant in the meantime. I sort of hope it just goes ahead and I can close that chapter. Perhaps, I will begin to feel more grounded and that the longing disappears then.
I have sold one baby thing. I need to keep that going.
I probably need to write down how I picture our life as a unit of 4. Journal and visualise it. See the hope, beauty and positivity in it.
As you can see- my head is all over the place.
Please feel free to quote if you want to reply. I hope that in some way my posts can help others.
Thank you for being patient with me.
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