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Resilience


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#1 nup

Posted 12 January 2019 - 05:48 PM

It's becoming a meaningless buzzword. The people who know what it is are more than likely already practicing it and hard. The rest don't appear to care.

So what exactly is resilience building?

#2 Mmmcheese

Posted 12 January 2019 - 05:52 PM

Because it allows 'them' to place the blame with individuals instead of making society better, which is infinately harder. (That's my conspiracy theory anyway.) I blame neo-liberalism as always.

#3 -Emissary-

Posted 12 January 2019 - 05:54 PM

I personally believe it is building up the ability to handle different situations that life throws at you.

Resiliency isn’t about not being able to express disappointment about when things and events don’t turn out the way you want or people not behaving the way you expect. It is about overcoming your disappointment and not letting the disappointment affect you to the point that you can’t move on.

#4 lizzzard

Posted 12 January 2019 - 05:59 PM

For me, the concept of resilience is empowering- that a person has control over their emotional life (if not their 'physical' one). When crappy things happen to me I like to think it's teaching me how to problem solve, cope, etc.

#5 Ozquoll

Posted 12 January 2019 - 06:01 PM

Donald Trump is nothing if not resilient! Perhaps resiliency is not
always a virtue 🤔

#6 nup

Posted 12 January 2019 - 06:12 PM

What does "not handling what life throws at you" look like?

Expectations are thrown around alot also when there is talk of resilience. I would consider an expectation that people's basic human rights be maintained, moreso children's, but it would seem that talking resilience is more important than actually ensuring people behave respectfully. Apparently that is too unrealistic.

Edited by nup, 12 January 2019 - 06:13 PM.


#7 IamtheMumma

Posted 12 January 2019 - 06:13 PM

Resilience is the ability to bounce back when life throws a hand grenade at you.

It is also used to give the impression of activity. When a child gets bullied, some places will try to build resilience in the child rather than tackle the bully.

#8 night jasmine

Posted 12 January 2019 - 06:17 PM

 Ozquoll, on 12 January 2019 - 06:01 PM, said:

Donald Trump is nothing if not resilient! Perhaps resiliency is not
always a virtue 🤔
He sure has a thick skin.

I don’t know if resilience is a virtue but it’s definitely a strength and one that I’d like my kids to have.

#9 Paddlepop

Posted 12 January 2019 - 06:18 PM

I think that ideally it would mean this:

View Post-Emissary-, on 12 January 2019 - 05:54 PM, said:

I personally believe it is building up the ability to handle different situations that life throws at you.

Resiliency isn’t about not being able to express disappointment about when things and events don’t turn out the way you want or people not behaving the way you expect. It is about overcoming your disappointment and not letting the disappointment affect you to the point that you can’t move on.

In reality though I think that it's used to mean this:

View PostMmmcheese, on 12 January 2019 - 05:52 PM, said:

Because it allows 'them' to place the blame with individuals instead of making society better, which is infinately harder. (That's my conspiracy theory anyway.) I blame neo-liberalism as always.


#10 -Emissary-

Posted 12 January 2019 - 06:20 PM

 nup, on 12 January 2019 - 06:12 PM, said:

What does "not handling what life throws at you" look like?

Expectations are thrown around alot also when there is talk of resilience. I would consider an expectation that people's basic human rights be maintained, moreso children's, but it would seem that talking resilience is more important than actually ensuring people behave respectfully. Apparently that is too unrealistic.

Resiliency place the emphasis on you and how you deal with other people and their unacceptable behaviour. This has nothing to do with how acceptable or unacceptable someone else is behaving towards you.

There will always be complete and utter a**holes in this world. It is not about accepting their behaviour. It is about not letting their unacceptable behaviour affect your life so negatively that you are stuck in the hole.

I consider myself pretty darn resilient compared to my ex. We both feel like we’re the victim of our relationship and each other behaviours. But instead of moving on and building success, he has just sulked and blame the world for his issues. I am thoroughly disgusted by his behaviour but it doesn’t mean I let him drag me down with him.

#11 nup

Posted 12 January 2019 - 06:23 PM

 lizzzard, on 12 January 2019 - 05:59 PM, said:

When crappy things happen to me I like to think it's teaching me how to problem solve, cope, etc.

If crappy things are happening though, the very experience is forcing you to act, respond, problem solve. Unless you're an active avoider, which is what I guess my OP is referring to. The people who are being told to build resilience are already seeing it as an active process. Meanwhile the jerks that violate the rights of others don't really ever change their ways and nothing can force them to. "Resilience building" as an activity therefore seems a bit redundant. It's not something we can learn from a book. ETA one of the schools who promoted this concept were using class role playing to model behaviours. The kids would do the role plays then carry on being themselves rather than using those role plays to shape their behaviour

Edited by nup, 12 January 2019 - 06:25 PM.


#12 Jane Jetson

Posted 12 January 2019 - 06:36 PM

As far as I'm concerned it's the old "There's nothing we can do or care to do about bullies, and your kid needs toughening up anyway" with a fresh coat of paint on it for the 2010s.

#13 Renovators delight

Posted 12 January 2019 - 06:43 PM

It can be a very problematic concept, particularly in corporate hands.

In order for any kind of training to be remotely effective it needs to ensure that blame is completely take out of the equation. Many times, the opposite happens. People are expected to wear the blame for not coping. So often, as PP have mentioned, it’s more that if a person is NOT resilient in the face of stressors, they are seen as less, deficient, faulty etc.

People need to take into account their environment, what can be changed, what is immutable, and stop thinking that we are supposed to be able to magically cope with the sh*t life throws at us, just because we have read an article about mindfulness and try to eat a vegetable or two per week.

It is normal for stress to break people and for those people to need time and support to get back to ‘normal’, and it’s ridiculously absurd to think that we all just need to drink a cup of resilience branded concrete and soldier on.

In short, resilience is  often used as a stick and not a helpful concept. How many times a manager wants to be able to tick the box to say their staff have had r resilience training, therefore the employer isn’t liable when the worker snaps under a poorly organised workload or unsafe environment....

Edited by Renovators delight, 12 January 2019 - 06:44 PM.


#14 Mmmcheese

Posted 12 January 2019 - 07:25 PM

View PostRenovators delight, on 12 January 2019 - 06:43 PM, said:

It can be a very problematic concept, particularly in corporate hands.

In order for any kind of training to be remotely effective it needs to ensure that blame is completely take out of the equation. Many times, the opposite happens. People are expected to wear the blame for not coping. So often, as PP have mentioned, it’s more that if a person is NOT resilient in the face of stressors, they are seen as less, deficient, faulty etc.

People need to take into account their environment, what can be changed, what is immutable, and stop thinking that we are supposed to be able to magically cope with the sh*t life throws at us, just because we have read an article about mindfulness and try to eat a vegetable or two per week.

It is normal for stress to break people and for those people to need time and support to get back to ‘normal’, and it’s ridiculously absurd to think that we all just need to drink a cup of resilience branded concrete and soldier on.

In short, resilience is  often used as a stick and not a helpful concept. How many times a manager wants to be able to tick the box to say their staff have had r resilience training, therefore the employer isn’t liable when the worker snaps under a poorly organised workload or unsafe environment....

I remember working for local council with a coworker was dangerously incompetent. I got sent to training and when everybody was telling their stories, I realised that council employed a lot of dangerously incompetent people and all the actual competent people got sent to 'teamwork' and 'communication' training, which unsurprisingly had a big focus on resilience strategies...

#15 .Jerry.

Posted 12 January 2019 - 07:28 PM

Being resilient isn't meant to be about the really big things that do often "break people", but about the smaller negative things that happen in life.
I don't expect a person to be be immediately resilient about being assaulted, or losing a loved one.  But I do think I want my child to be resilient about the things she can manage in life that we all go through at times.
It doesn't mean we don't work hard to continue to improve society and fight against injustice and also prevent problems where we can.

I want my child (and myself) to be able to work through issues and rise again positively as much as is possible.

#16 Kallie88

Posted 12 January 2019 - 07:36 PM

Resilience is being able to cope with the problems life throws at you. In bullying that's often seen as "you toughen up and deal with it" but done properly it could also look like, "you have the power to tell your bully to stop. You have the power to tell someone about the bullying and follow up (through parents or teachers) on making sure something is done - much like the op in the dd harassing thread, she had the resilience to not just do what the first cops said, but to keep pushing to get a result. If nothing is done, however, because life can be sh*t, let's be honest. It can also mean, ok, what will help you to feel better given that nothing has changed. This again, could be on the form of problem solving - can you move class etc. (Not ideal but better than continued bullying) would understanding that they are probably sad lonely mean people make it less hurtful, can you sit with a good book or movie to take your mind off things and feel better, etc. All of these things are examples of building resilience and not simply by letting bad behavior pass by, but it does acknowledge that you can't change other people and often you don't have the power to hand down consequences. It doesn't mean you need to feel crappy though. You can if you want, but it becomes your choice not your burden.
Edit typo

Edited by Kallie88, 12 January 2019 - 07:37 PM.


#17 Sincerely

Posted 12 January 2019 - 07:48 PM

View Post.Jerry., on 12 January 2019 - 07:28 PM, said:

Being resilient isn't meant to be about the really big things that do often "break people", but about the smaller negative things that happen in life.
I don't expect a person to be be immediately resilient about being assaulted, or losing a loved one.  But I do think I want my child to be resilient about the things she can manage in life that we all go through at times.
It doesn't mean we don't work hard to continue to improve society and fight against injustice and also prevent problems where we can.

I want my child (and myself) to be able to work through issues and rise again positively as much as is possible.

Very nicely stated.

Each time we rise successfully, we are likely to become more resilient (resilience building).

If we help each other rise successfully, we build positive alliances and a better society.

#18 Seven of Nine

Posted 12 January 2019 - 07:48 PM

I first read about resilience when my oldest two kids were little. It really changed the way I parented them, or maybe it changed the way I thought about my parenting of them.

I don't think it is useful in serious situations such as bullying. At least, serious situations are not moments for people to *learn* resilience. The opportunities for kids to learn resilience are things like climbing the ladder to the top of the play equipment without Dad's help when you're 2 or Mum listening and expressing confidence when you're 8 and you're dealing with friendship dramas at school. If you're being bullied, the resilience you've already learned can be useful but it's not a learning opportunity.

#19 steppy

Posted 12 January 2019 - 07:54 PM

I think it is not letting things really get to you. I mean, yes, things really can throw you for six, knock you down, even knock you out. But then it's about being able to get past it. To some extent, it doesn't really matter how you do that - through therapy, through toughening up, through working harder to avoid thinking about it, or whatever path you choose - the thing is not to let the event or circumstances stop you from living life with some approximation to what you want.

Society actually can't make it any easier in a lot of cases. Like if your parent dies. It's not like anyone can replace your parent, no matter what others do to help. You're stuck in your own world of pain, the pain is yours, not theirs, they can't remove it except by removing memories of your parent. Resilience is finding your way through the pain and back to life.

#20 red_squirrel

Posted 12 January 2019 - 08:05 PM

View PostSincerely, on 12 January 2019 - 07:48 PM, said:



Very nicely stated.

Each time we rise successfully, we are likely to become more resilient (resilience building).

If we help each other rise successfully, we build positive alliances and a better society.

I’d agree with this. You build your resilience over time through many setbacks/confrontations etc. much in the same way as an Immune system is built.

If you live wrapped in cotton wool, you will never build resilience.

Edited by red_squirrel, 12 January 2019 - 08:05 PM.


#21 Mel1609

Posted 12 January 2019 - 08:11 PM

View Postnup, on 12 January 2019 - 06:23 PM, said:



If crappy things are happening though, the very experience is forcing you to act, respond, problem solve. Unless you're an active avoider, which is what I guess my OP is referring to. The people who are being told to build resilience are already seeing it as an active process. Meanwhile the jerks that violate the rights of others don't really ever change their ways and nothing can force them to. "Resilience building" as an activity therefore seems a bit redundant. It's not something we can learn from a book.

OP, why are you automatically linking resilience as a response to someone else's bad behavior? Im trying to teach my kids resilience to help them deal with everyday things like not getting the lead role in the play,  not being invited to a party, not getting the exam result you wanted,  etc.

#22 nup

Posted 12 January 2019 - 08:13 PM

View PostSeven of Nine, on 12 January 2019 - 07:48 PM, said:

I first read about resilience when my oldest two kids were little. It really changed the way I parented them, or maybe it changed the way I thought about my parenting of them.

I don't think it is useful in serious situations such as bullying. At least, serious situations are not moments for people to *learn* resilience. The opportunities for kids to learn resilience are things like climbing the ladder to the top of the play equipment without Dad's help when you're 2 or Mum listening and expressing confidence when you're 8 and you're dealing with friendship dramas at school. If you're being bullied, the resilience you've already learned can be useful but it's not a learning opportunity.

This resonates. This is why I chose RIE and to learn about how to respectfully parent with attachment theory as my motivation. It's about the whole brain child as a complete individual who is constantly changing and adapting through life. It's the difference between the authoritarian models and empowering people. But it can't stop the affect of trauma. Brains just don't work like that. Trauma therapy is good where teaching resilience to a vulnerable person is just meaningless piffle.

#23 purplekitty

Posted 12 January 2019 - 08:18 PM

BS when it is in response to bullying in schools and workplace conditions  and used to avoid providing actual solutions to situations.

Building resilience is not the solution to suicides and stress in professions where things like 14 hr. shifts dealing with critical decisions and emotional components.

#24 nup

Posted 12 January 2019 - 08:26 PM

View PostMel1609, on 12 January 2019 - 08:11 PM, said:



OP, why are you automatically linking resilience as a response to someone else's bad behavior? Im trying to teach my kids resilience to help them deal with everyday things like not getting the lead role in the play,  not being invited to a party, not getting the exam result you wanted,  etc.

Because one school response to middle child being bullied was to bring me in to build resilience in her and I. When I told the story as I knew it no tips for resilience were given to me. Only a respecful empathy was displayed, with many questions asked which I thought were suited to the circumstance.

Role modelling in class was provided to all to help build stronger supports for all. This child went on to be awarded the top of class award for social and academic leadership despite a year of incredible adversity.

This kid knows resilience and has taught me a few tricks this year. She runs rings around the group of kids who banded together to take her down but she wasn't their only target. She was the only child with the ability to reach out for help for her mates but nothing could help her once the parents became involved. Every other child affected appeared too scared thebsty few minor interactions that I saw.

They're still too young to know how to apply basic defensive behaviours that require higher brain function. This is an early stage 1 & stage 1 group. The older children aren't always more capable at this stage.

#25 Seven of Nine

Posted 12 January 2019 - 08:40 PM

View Postnup, on 12 January 2019 - 08:13 PM, said:



This resonates. This is why I chose RIE and to learn about how to respectfully parent with attachment theory as my motivation. It's about the whole brain child as a complete individual who is constantly changing and adapting through life. It's the difference between the authoritarian models and empowering people. But it can't stop the affect of trauma. Brains just don't work like that. Trauma therapy is good where teaching resilience to a vulnerable person is just meaningless piffle.

Yep, we do RIE too. Amazing how much a kid can get through if we see their expression of emotion as simply that, rather than a call for help.

And in those early years Maria Montessori's quote "help me to do it by myself" was like my mantra!

It has had a big effect on me too. I am now able to do things I never thought I was capable of.




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