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10 Years (**many triggers**)


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#1 SelceLisbeth

Posted 02 January 2019 - 07:01 AM

removed for privacy reasons

Edited by SelceLisbeth, 02 January 2019 - 04:31 PM.


#2 Hey what.@

Posted 02 January 2019 - 07:05 AM

You are a strong courageous woman.  You have my compassion and huge hugs. You have NOTHING to feel shame about xo

#3 LambChop

Posted 02 January 2019 - 07:14 AM

I've always had an inkling that life wasn't 'greener' on the other side for you but not the extent of the abuse you suffered, I am so sorry for what has happened - it's time to let it rest in peace - including the things that you did during that time to survive.  

Wishing you the courage to keep going, to try to put down and leave the guilt where it belongs - as 'the past' and no longer relevant to your life.

Take care.

#4 Riotproof

Posted 02 January 2019 - 07:15 AM

Lisbeth. I don’t really don’t know what to say.
Be kind to yourself.

#5 chinadollmama

Posted 02 January 2019 - 07:16 AM

You are beyond brave in getting these thoughts down. I have nothing but admiration for your strength and character to continue to be the very best mother to your children despite the endless challenges that you have faced in your lifetime.

I can only hope you find some peace in writing these words and know that another random stranger hears you and agrees that you have nothing to feel shame about.

#6 ~Peahen~

Posted 02 January 2019 - 07:20 AM

I don't know you, and you don't know me. I am predominantly a fluffy poster and prefer to sit in the EB sidelines but couldn't bare to read this  and not reply.

I just want so desperately to reach into my tablet and hug the woman on the other side. You've touched my soul profoundly. Right now in this moment in time I wish nothing but love and peace for you.

#7 Sweet.Pea

Posted 02 January 2019 - 07:23 AM

You have nothing to feel ashamed about. The people around you who did nothing to help you and/validated his behavior do. It's very hard to seek help, and unfortunately those that you sought help from, failed their duties.

It's very different to look in on a situation and have an opinion, to living it, so the people who understand this, will not judge you, but rather recognize that you did the best that you could at the time. Try not to think about what could of happened, what's done is done. You and your boys are safe.

You have two wonderful boys from a complicated situation, so cherish that and be proud of the work you have put into raising them. Ten years is a long time, but it goes so quickly. Hopefully you can get to a point where you feel free to live the life you deserve.

#8 Bel rose

Posted 02 January 2019 - 07:43 AM

I am so sorry. None of that is your fault at all and there’s no need for you to be ashamed.

#9 foxbread

Posted 02 January 2019 - 08:30 AM

He was wrong to do that to you. I'm sorry. You're strong and I hope you forgive yourself (and maybe him too, if that is what will bring you closure).

#10 FloralArrangement

Posted 02 January 2019 - 08:41 AM

I think you are incredibly courageous and to finally have the good, the bad and the very ugly out there rather than internalised is significant. SL I think you are amazing and I wish you only peace.

#11 Lifesgood

Posted 02 January 2019 - 08:48 AM

You are so brave to write your story Lisbeth. I'm overcome with admiration for you. You should be proud of yourself, not ashamed.

#12 Caitlin Happymeal

Posted 02 January 2019 - 08:52 AM

Well done for getting the words out. I had no inkling that this was the case for you - having read a great many of your posts over the years.

I'm sorry you were treated like that. I can tell you you have nothing to feel ashamed about til the cows come home (and you have nothing to feel ashamed about!) But believing it as the survivor is a whole 'nother thing. Be kind to yourself - you do a flipping amazing job of raising your kids - i understand to some extent as mine are both varying degrees of on the spectrum/adhd/MI but i also have the support of my husband so I can't quite put myself in your shoes. But I can empathize and see that you are one of the most resilient people I "know" (albeit as an online acquaintance).

I hope you can find a way to move past the shame. Relationships are complex and moreso when you lose someone who wasnt perfect but for whom you felt great love for. I see it often at work - reconciling those emotions is so tough.

Just be kind to yourself. You are pretty incredible.

#13 Hypnic Jerk

Posted 02 January 2019 - 08:53 AM

The shame died with him.  LS, the shame was never yours.

It doesn't matter what you did, or didn't do.  It doesn't matter.  He chose his reactions.  He put you in a situation of fear.

Your parents were wrong and they let you down.
You ILs were wrong and they let you down.  They raised a child who would go on to be abusive - hand any shame right over to them and leave it there!

And it doesn't matter whether you would have stayed or not because that was all taken out of your hands.

And what have you done since then?  Raised two children, provided for them financially, with security, shown them love, kindness, stability.  Showed them what a strong work ethic is.  Shown them determination.

If we just look at the facts you have a long list of achievement in the face of adversity - kick your shame to the kerb!

#14 Mooples

Posted 02 January 2019 - 08:53 AM

Your strength continues to amaze me, I truly admire how you manage to see the positives in your life when you have been through so much.

#15 Romeo Void

Posted 02 January 2019 - 08:56 AM

Oh honey, I wish I could sweep you up in a big bear hug.  You did nothing wrong, you have NOTHING to be ashamed of.  In fact I'm so proud of you for having the courage to talk about this finally, the strength you've shown in the face of the adversity you've faced. And then to hear that you also had to deal with this?  Oh man...you are one super strong woman!  
Its a New Year, time for new beginnings, time for clearing out and starting again?  What do you say Lisbeth...time to unpack that box and start working on getting rid of it?  Here's to a new and fabulous year for you Lisbeth!

#16 darcswan

Posted 02 January 2019 - 10:28 AM

The conflict you feel makes sense. Perhaps your DH was not a nice person a lot of the time - but he was some of the time. You loved him and so did your children. His passing brought the trauma of the event, and also means he didn't get to redeem himself. The abuse is frozen in time and his memory gets canonised.

To face into this is very brave. I'm struck by the idea of the buddhist noble truths ..... My hope is you can let go of the shame.

You did not deserve to be put in hospital, that was not a proportional response to a slap.  You did not deserve ongoing injury because you were stuck in the abuse cycle and didn't leave. This is how many have responded in the moment in order to survive.

I'm deeply sorry that you experienced that. I'm another who admires your strength and kindness. I hope 2019 brings you peace.

#17 redchick

Posted 02 January 2019 - 10:52 AM

Your bravery in writing down your experience is truly incredible and admirable.

I often read your posts and were already amazed by how you handled everything - I love that you don’t pretend it is easy but just tell it like it is.

I don’t want to tell you not to feel shame, they are your feelings but I totally agree that any shame rests with your late DH (and your parents and ILs).

I hope writing your experience down has given you a small amount of peace. It will not make things magically better but I hope you come to realise that the truth can’t hurt you.

Massive hugs

RC

#18 teaspoon

Posted 02 January 2019 - 11:10 AM

I wonder if working to forgive your husband and family make it easier to forgive yourself?

View Postredchick, on 02 January 2019 - 10:52 AM, said:

I hope you come to realise that the truth can’t hurt you.

Agree - and if you own it, it can't be used against you

#19 Mishu

Posted 02 January 2019 - 11:16 AM

You have nothing to be ashamed of - as PPs have said, your husband, your family and your ILs are the ones who should have been ashamed. Even if you slapped him - you had been traumatized by that point. And I can't even begin to imagine the complex feelings that you have dealt with over the last 10 years.

If you are able to - could you talk to a professional about what has happened to you and how you are feeling? I was abused by my father and held great shame over that for most of my life. It was only until I was in my mid 40's that I could even admit it happened -and speaking to (the right) therapist was the thing that lifted the shame from me. Shame is such a powerful and debilitating emotion - it would be wonderful if someone could help you to remove this awful emotion from your life.

Much love to you (and forgive me if I have overstepped with the suggestion above).

#20 Cimbom

Posted 02 January 2019 - 11:28 AM

You are a superhero SL, don't forget that. I hope that over time it becomes easier for you and you can find peace within yourself

#21 Sancti-claws

Posted 02 January 2019 - 11:42 AM

Oh SL - you do not deserve this to have happened to you no matter what.

#22 leosmum

Posted 02 January 2019 - 01:09 PM

Dear SL, I too want to reach through the screen and hug you. I can only imagine the courage it took for you to write that post and put it all out there. You have no reason to be ashamed, but I understand how hard it is to shake off shame when it’s deeply ingrained, especially when you’ve had the experiences you had of not being supported when you sought help from those who should have supported you. I also can imagine that it’s a really complex and difficult set of feelings to have lost someone who you loved despite the pain he caused you. I get that it’s not anywhere near as simple as saying ‘be glad he’s gone’ as someone has said to you before. There is, I imagine, profound love and grief and loss tangled up with relief and guilt and shame. That’s a lot to unpick! I just couldn’t go past without commenting as you are someone who stands out to me here on EB - you comment with kindness and thought and care despite facing so many struggles of your own. I always admire the way you strive to help your boys make their way in the world. You can be super proud of that.

I want you to know that you’ve been heard. I’m so sorry that you’ve been through so much pain and sadness. I hope that sharing your story here is a step on the journey to healing and peace.

#23 leosmum

Posted 02 January 2019 - 01:09 PM

Sorry - accidental double post.

Edited by leosmum, 02 January 2019 - 01:11 PM.


#24 SelceLisbeth

Posted 02 January 2019 - 01:15 PM

Wow. Today has been a big day for me. I not long got home from work and read the replies here and I shed a few tears. No of sadness or joy, more pure relief.


Anyway, thank you for giving me a safe place to face some things I have hidden for too long. The relief in putting it out somewhere is enormous.

Like some PP's have said, it is time to reclaim my life and my sense of person-hood.

Edited

Edited by SelceLisbeth, 02 January 2019 - 04:32 PM.


#25 MoonPie

Posted 02 January 2019 - 01:19 PM

View PostHypnic Jerk, on 02 January 2019 - 08:53 AM, said:

The shame died with him.  LS, the shame was never yours.

It doesn't matter what you did, or didn't do.  It doesn't matter.  He chose his reactions.  He put you in a situation of fear.

Your parents were wrong and they let you down.
You ILs were wrong and they let you down.  They raised a child who would go on to be abusive - hand any shame right over to them and leave it there!

And it doesn't matter whether you would have stayed or not because that was all taken out of your hands.

And what have you done since then?  Raised two children, provided for them financially, with security, shown them love, kindness, stability.  Showed them what a strong work ethic is.  Shown them determination.

If we just look at the facts you have a long list of achievement in the face of adversity - kick your shame to the kerb!

Please read and reread this.

I guarantee you've made someone feel less alone by sharing this.




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