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thanks for your advice everyone!

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52 replies to this topic

#26 Silverstreak

Posted 18 December 2018 - 12:22 PM

Shove her face in the wedding cake. Rude, rude and entitled.

Otherwise, just tell her that you're busy and can't do X, Y and Z. Her bridesmaid or immediate family can go clothes shopping with her and help her transport her cake.

#27 MooGuru

Posted 18 December 2018 - 01:18 PM

I'd go wedding dress shopping (as I love that) but a massive hell no to the cake. I was asked to do similar but was a logistical pain (it was to be picked up on the day of the wedding - early enough you'd be sitting at the venue for 2 hours waiting but late enough that going home to get ready after doing it off would be really rushed) and I was terrified I'd drop it. Plus then I discovered she could have had it delivered but didn't want to pay the extra $ to do so.

#28 StartledFlamingo

Posted 18 December 2018 - 01:32 PM

I am flummoxed by the politics of wedding party role. Being asked to do things to facilitate someone's "look at me! Look at me" party is one thing, but being expected to consider that a privilege rather than an imposition is baffling.

Do the bits you'd like to do. Don't do the bits that are inconvenient.

#29 TheGreenSheep

Posted 18 December 2018 - 01:41 PM

Been there done that.

Bridesmaid lived away.

I did the dress, shoes, accessories, table decorations, hens, invites, restaurant, menu, and bridesmaid dress shopping.

It was too much. I had so much going on for DH and I at the time which she knew, she was so selfish and demanding.

Everyone had a ball at the wedding, of course LOL.

We no longer speak.

#30 Sweet.Pea

Posted 18 December 2018 - 01:41 PM

She can get a courier to get the cake delivered.

She can organize her own hens party and put your name on the invite, if it's too embarrassing.

You could go dress shopping if you wanted.

#31 Dianalynch

Posted 18 December 2018 - 01:44 PM

I like to be helpful too OP, however I wouldn't pick up a cake. Risky.

I have 2 kids and I wouldn't have the time for what she's asking, so I can't imagine how you would manage with 5.

It's okay to say no. :)

#32 daisy007

Posted 18 December 2018 - 01:55 PM

No way would I touch the cake thing, too much risk. Do the other things if they’re things you enjoy otherwise say ‘sorry I’m too busy’.

#33 steppy

Posted 18 December 2018 - 02:02 PM

I'd go dress shopping and tell her you can help organise some elements of the hens but say "isn't that the bridesmaid's role?"

No way to the cake. Delivery is a thing. She can use it.

#34 got my tinsel on

Posted 18 December 2018 - 02:23 PM

The woman who made and iced my wedding cake lived about 1.5kms from my reception (my mum's house).

On the morning of the wedding when driving to my mum's to deliver the cake, she had a prang.

Not too much damage fortunately and we just turned the cake slightly so that only DH and I could see it..

But I would NOT be picking up the cake and delivering it for your friend, OP.  Absolutely not.  One and a half hours of driving is a long time to ensure that a cake stays horizontal and doesn't slide around.

#35 Feral-as-Meggs

Posted 18 December 2018 - 02:46 PM

Organising the hens' is definitely the bridesmaid's job, by tradition.    If the bridesmaid is from away, then the polite thing is to ask would you give her a hand with local knowledge and then put you two in contact.

No way would I do the cake - too much chance of disaster.   It's not traditionally anyone's job (other than the cake maker).

The request to go wedding dress shopping I would take as a compliment, and go if I could.

#36 born.a.girl

Posted 18 December 2018 - 02:59 PM

Funny how different people are, the only thing I could face is collecting the cake.

Shopping for the dress?  My idea of a nightmare, I have enough trouble shopping for my own clothes.

I've never understood 'hen's dos', maybe I'm just anti social, and at least the cake won't want to have a debate about the pros and cons.

#37 Mummy_Em

Posted 18 December 2018 - 03:04 PM

I agree with people saying just politely say you can’t. I’m a people pleaser so I find saying no really difficult and it ends with me feeling put upon and half the time the other person doesn’t even know why.

I think a person who doesn’t have kids wouldn’t understand the challenge involved in getting 6 or 7 people dressed up, organized, keeping everyone clean and tidy for 2 hours in the car and getting to the venue on time and presentable. Let alone adding a fragile cake to the formula.

#38 FuzzyChocolateToes

Posted 18 December 2018 - 03:20 PM

Surely she can pay someone to deliver the cake?

#39 No Drama Please

Posted 18 December 2018 - 03:30 PM

Sorry I can’t pick up a cake it’s too risky as we’re only taking one car. Pretty sure the cake place can sort out delivery service though so maybe give them a call.

Hens night how exciting! I wouldn’t really feel confident organising something cos I don’t know the bridesmaids who are going, sorry, maybe ask one of them for ideas?

#40 SplashingRainbows

Posted 18 December 2018 - 04:33 PM

Definitely say no to the cake.

The dress shopping id do if you wanted to.

The hens night I’d say no to as the bridesmaid should organize that, and is probably expecting to.

#41 Ho Ho No

Posted 18 December 2018 - 05:46 PM

Only two people are qualified to transport a cake.  The person who made it, and the person who paid for it.

If there's anything you don't want to do, say no. If you find it difficult to say no, try saying it more often to get some practice :D

Edited by Brrrroooce!, 18 December 2018 - 05:46 PM.

#42 gracie1978

Posted 18 December 2018 - 05:51 PM

View PostBrrrroooce!, on 18 December 2018 - 05:46 PM, said:

Only two people are qualified to transport a cake.  The person who made it, and the person who paid for it.

If there's anything you don't want to do, say no. If you find it difficult to say no, try saying it more often to get some practice :D

Words to live by!!!

#43 just roses

Posted 18 December 2018 - 06:00 PM

Can't people organise their own hen's night?

I say that as someone who didn't have one. My maid of honour came home from Europe for my wedding (three days before) and I was just so bloody grateful she came (no expectations from me, either), that I paid for her dress to be made and shoes and was happy with just a quiet night with my two bridesmaids.

I would have organised my own baby shower, too, except that a friend from work asked if she could host it for me. And I gratefully accepted that offer.

So I just don't understand the expectation that people will organise events for you. It's lovely when someone offers, but actually asking and expecting someone with five kids who lives two hours away, to do so much is just selfish.

#44 ExpatInAsia

Posted 18 December 2018 - 06:53 PM

I would not do the cake - too risky on a 2 hour drive - leave that to a professional.

I flew to Melbourne for a weekend with my best friend to go wedding dress shopping with her. I ended up selecting the dress for her to try on that she ultimately chose.

I was not a bridesmaid as my friend had two sisters that were her bridesmaids. I was fine with this as I got to enjoy myself at the wedding and reception. My friend did not try to lump me with any bridesmaid duties other than dress shopping which I was happy to participate in.

#45 nup

Posted 18 December 2018 - 07:26 PM

I tend to like most of my friends varying degrees and a wedding is one of the big milestone life I'm happy to help out with. Not to a crazy extent but I think the idea of friends and family contributing to the event is lovely.

#46 just roses

Posted 18 December 2018 - 08:01 PM

View Postnup, on 18 December 2018 - 07:26 PM, said:

I tend to like most of my friends varying degrees and a wedding is one of the big milestone life I'm happy to help out with. Not to a crazy extent but I think the idea of friends and family contributing to the event is lovely.
It sounds to me like the OP does want to help, but doesn't like the expectation that she will.

I guess that's the difference. I love to help out, but probably wouldn't appreciate being given such a list unless I'd offered to do anything that was needed.

Better that the bride has asked 'hey, I could really use a hand with a few things, do you think you could help me?' Then OP could have said, 'sure, just depends on availability but show me the list and I'll let you know which bits I can take care of'.

Organising a hen's is a big job.

#47 IShallWearMidnight

Posted 18 December 2018 - 09:12 PM

Id be too worried about the cake being ruined!

#48 CallMeFeral

Posted 18 December 2018 - 09:19 PM

How is she asking this stuff? Like it's a favour or like it's your job? I think this would influence me - the first seems like maybe her bridesmaid has let her down and she's struggling to get everything done, the latter seems more like Bakes' story (Bakes that was awful! I'm glad you used the word 'had' a friend in the past tense!)

Either way, you not being in the bridal party means you do what you can, and not what you can't. So you can say "sorry, we can't fit the cake in the car" or "sorry I can't get babysitting for the kids to go dress shopping" or "give me 3 hotels to call and I'll see how I go with them" or whatever it is you CAN do without much hassle.

And don't feel guilty for any of it. You are just a friend helping out where you can. And if you can't you can't.

#49 123Babies4Me

Posted 18 December 2018 - 10:50 PM

Thanks everyone. I did have to say no today to one of her requests and she was ok, and I was ok. I think that is exactly what I need to do, say yes when I can, and say no when I can’t. I think I was just struggling with the expectation, as a PP said.

#50 BECZ

Posted 19 December 2018 - 12:18 AM

If you don't want to do the hen's night, I'd just be saying, that's the MOH's job and I wouldn't want to step on her toes even if I did have the time.

I've been a brides maid quite a few times and quite frankly, it turned me off getting married.  So much to do for just a few hours of 'fun'.

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