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If my husband says no to another baby?


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#26 just roses

Posted 27 October 2018 - 10:38 PM

 Riotproof, on 27 October 2018 - 09:59 PM, said:

Each person trumps the other in the right to say no, because there aren't any half babies floating around. So, yes.. sometimes one person either male or female can be at their capacity.

Would you really answer the same for a husband wanting number 3 when his wife didn't?
Agree.

Surely the default option is no baby.

You either both agree or no baby.

OP, it sounds like you have it in hand. I agree that chatting it through with your psychologist might be helpful. I hope it all works out for you.

#27 MooGuru

Posted 28 October 2018 - 01:10 AM

OP in thinking about it am I right on thinking the last time you and DH spoke about it you were undecided and he was more for it then you've not spoken about it for months during which time you developed these feelings?
He may just need some time to get his head around your change in feelings.

#28 IamzFeralz

Posted 28 October 2018 - 05:38 AM



 Soontobegran, on 27 October 2018 - 09:55 PM, said:

I would have found it extremely difficult if I had a husband who thought he could veto a decision to have a subsequent child without considering my desires and only considering his.

Sure he has a right to say no, he may have very good reasons but they do not trump yours and I may have felt it a deal breaker if mine had said no without some very good reasons why not.

We had 5 in 5 ....not planned that quickly however we planned to have 4......we just got lucky.

Wishing you every good luck.

My kids’ aunty also had 5 kids, she really wanted a girl, which she didn’t get.  Her DH wasn’t enthused but he went along with it.  Their marriage later developed problems and the number of kids was something he often brought up, saying that he only wanted two.  SIL was annoyed because he didn’t make that more clear.  BIL turned out to be an uninvolved dad and SIL did everything.

I think a couple having a conversation and then respecting the default “no” is the best way forward.

If there is an extreme case like a couple agreeing to have kids before marriage and the later on, one of them said they no longer wanted any kids then obviously a decision would need to be made about the future of the relationship.

Edited by IamzFeralz, 28 October 2018 - 05:41 AM.


#29 Maree83

Posted 28 October 2018 - 06:32 AM

Mooguru- yes, quite a while ago my husband was leaning towards a yes (not 100% but heading in that direction, he was the one who brought it up). I mainly said no due to the age of my youngest, he was aware that I thought it was too close a gap.
I wanted to re address it a later stage which I did. This was after I had thought things through over a couple of months or so. I wanted to be sure of my decision before I told him.
His response was that it wasn't something he had thought about lately so he would like some time to consider it. I was fine with that, he said his main issues are the extra cost. Whilst we aren't struggling by any means, NOT having another would mean more money, we have a smallish house, we do have a spare room, but there will be no guest room then (not that we often have guests, lol. We both laughed about that) and that he is actually content with our girls. He also said that if money wasn't an issue he would have loads of kids. But with this one we would have to buy some new stuff as our old pram is almost gone, etc.
He is also a planner, so all the practical stuff is going through his head. He made the comment that if it was to happen by accident, he wouldn't be upset. He said that to let me know that he isn't totally against the idea.
I made it clear that I really want us to talk about it and decide together whether or not to have a baby. I want us both to be 100% behind the idea. I don't want any resentment later on. This is why he is taking his time deciding.

#30 blueskies12

Posted 28 October 2018 - 01:16 PM

That’s a really good point a PP made about possibly bottling things up, which may be intensifying your feelings.
I’m in a similar position. I can’t really talk to my DH as it just feels like I’m pressuring him/trying to guilt him into something. I can’t talk to my close family member, who suffered secondary infertility and could only have one child and then two of my closest friends are struggling with miscarriages/having to use IVF for their first child. So for me it feels horrible that I could even possibly want anything more. I should just be grateful and that’s that. This is true- I should absolutely feel grateful; so it’s not a very pleasant position to be in, as it feels like a locked in secret. And it doesn’t make me feel good. I think I need to probably talk to someone too.

Maybe this is the case for you.

It sounds like your husband is quite open to it. He isn’t definitely saying no and has even thought of possibilities/plans re money and bedrooms.

I like what Xena said about planning for multiple outcomes. What would your lives look like with a third baby? Your work, money, kids’ lives? What would your lives look like with two children? Paint detailed pictures in your mind and this may help you prepare for either outcome.

I think I will have to try this myself. Haha!

#31 *Nasty*Squeekums*

Posted 28 October 2018 - 01:59 PM

 Soontobegran, on 27 October 2018 - 09:55 PM, said:

I would have found it extremely difficult if I had a husband who thought he could veto a decision to have a subsequent child without considering my desires and only considering his.

Sure he has a right to say no, he may have very good reasons but they do not trump yours and I may have felt it a deal breaker if mine had said no without some very good reasons why not.

We had 5 in 5 ....not planned that quickly however we planned to have 4......we just got lucky.

Wishing you every good luck.

Its the reverse in our house, dp wants a 2nd. I refuse and wont even consider. Just flat NO. I know he wants a 2nd, to try for a boy but still no.
I simply dont want to be pregnant. Know my limits on coping  

Its perfectly fine for the op dh to say no and simply say cos he done and dont want more. If he says yes just to please her the risk of resentment is huge, not only towards her but to the child

#32 Soontobegran

Posted 28 October 2018 - 03:11 PM

 Riotproof, on 27 October 2018 - 09:59 PM, said:

Each person trumps the other in the right to say no, because there aren't any half babies floating around. So, yes.. sometimes one person either male or female can be at their capacity.

Would you really answer the same for a husband wanting number 3 when his wife didn't?

Did you read my post ?
I said without giving explanations as to why.
It is my opinion..... it is how it would have worked in my home. Nobody else has to agree.

#33 Soontobegran

Posted 28 October 2018 - 03:12 PM

 *Nasty*Squeekums*, on 28 October 2018 - 01:59 PM, said:



Its the reverse in our house, dp wants a 2nd. I refuse and wont even consider. Just flat NO. I know he wants a 2nd, to try for a boy but still no.
I simply dont want to be pregnant. Know my limits on coping  

Its perfectly fine for the op dh to say no and simply say cos he done and dont want more. If he says yes just to please her the risk of resentment is huge, not only towards her but to the child

As I said..... not how it works here. No flat no to anything..... always discussion and yes someone loses out.

#34 Lucrezia Borgia

Posted 28 October 2018 - 03:18 PM

i thought the OP husband did give an explanation? its finances isnt it? which is certainly reasonable.

and discussion is fine, but if he knows he will never change his mind, then he could feel guilty of stringing you along for so many years that it gets to the point its moot - the woman is simply too old.

#35 *Nasty*Squeekums*

Posted 28 October 2018 - 03:31 PM

 Soontobegran, on 28 October 2018 - 03:12 PM, said:

As I said..... not how it works here. No flat no to anything..... always discussion and yes someone loses out.

Im just forgoing the argument. There is nothing in this world that could make me want another, the idea of pregnancy leaves me cold. So inevitably dp will lose out. Why argue through that when here is nothing that will change my mind?

Best to just be a flat no from the start, no false hope on his end

#36 literally nobody

Posted 28 October 2018 - 03:40 PM

After having 3 - they are 6, 8 & 10 - im happy to think im done. the thought of getting up at night, going thru the baby/toddler stages fills me with dread. Trying to deal with chronic insomnia is horrid enough without adding to it.



#37 Riotproof

Posted 28 October 2018 - 03:46 PM

 *Nasty*Squeekums*, on 28 October 2018 - 03:31 PM, said:



Im just forgoing the argument. There is nothing in this world that could make me want another, the idea of pregnancy leaves me cold. So inevitably dp will lose out. Why argue through that when here is nothing that will change my mind?

Best to just be a flat no from the start, no false hope on his end

And it’s not like painting the house a certain color or not, you know the kind of thing you can negotiate.
I’m sure Squeeks has told him why she feels like she does. It’s not that his feelings don’t matter. You can’t have a baby with someone who doesn’t want one without resentment.

#38 *Nasty*Squeekums*

Posted 28 October 2018 - 04:20 PM

 Riotproof, on 28 October 2018 - 03:46 PM, said:

And it’s not like painting the house a certain color or not, you know the kind of thing you can negotiate.
I’m sure Squeeks has told him why she feels like she does. It’s not that his feelings don’t matter. You can’t have a baby with someone who doesn’t want one without resentment.

Exactly, its more than a paint colour, there will be no negotiations
He knows why. He knows while physically i was ok in pregnancy, mentally i didnt cope with pregnancy or newborn stage at all.
Ive said he can have another, when he can gestate, so start advancing science lol. Ends the convo pretty fast

#39 WTF*A*Lot

Posted 28 October 2018 - 04:46 PM

I wanted another one up until we started babysitting our DGD. DH said he realised he didn’t want any more when the doctor told him a 7th baby could kill me.

#40 MooGuru

Posted 28 October 2018 - 04:54 PM

 Maree83, on 28 October 2018 - 06:32 AM, said:

Mooguru- yes, quite a while ago my husband was leaning towards a yes (not 100% but heading in that direction, he was the one who brought it up). I mainly said no due to the age of my youngest, he was aware that I thought it was too close a gap.
I wanted to re address it a later stage which I did. This was after I had thought things through over a couple of months or so. I wanted to be sure of my decision before I told him.
His response was that it wasn't something he had thought about lately so he would like some time to consider it. I was fine with that, he said his main issues are the extra cost. Whilst we aren't struggling by any means, NOT having another would mean more money, we have a smallish house, we do have a spare room, but there will be no guest room then (not that we often have guests, lol. We both laughed about that) and that he is actually content with our girls. He also said that if money wasn't an issue he would have loads of kids. But with this one we would have to buy some new stuff as our old pram is almost gone, etc.
He is also a planner, so all the practical stuff is going through his head. He made the comment that if it was to happen by accident, he wouldn't be upset. He said that to let me know that he isn't totally against the idea.
I made it clear that I really want us to talk about it and decide together whether or not to have a baby. I want us both to be 100% behind the idea. I don't want any resentment later on. This is why he is taking his time deciding.

Maybe you should reframe your thinking so instead of viewing it as him not giving you an answer think of it as him taking your change in mind seriously. He might've spent that time you've been deciding you want a baby thinking about all the reasons not to have one and your change in mind was completely unexpected.

Also I think it's possible you've set an example of not communicating after saying no so maybe acknowledge that you didn't include him in your thinking about it for months and that with hindsight maybe you should have spoken about it more might encourage him to be more open.

#41 Maree83

Posted 28 October 2018 - 05:02 PM

Just to clarify, I never said no to a baby, just not now as previously stated.  I told him I'd like to consider it at a later stage. Neither of us have ever been a flat out no.
He was aware that I wanted just a bit more of an age gap which is why it was no for now.
He certainly wasn't surprised at me bringing it back up with him, as I had told him I would.
I understand the not communicating to a point.  I didn't involve him in my thought process so to speak but he knew that I had to have a few more months to come to my conclusion.

#42 ekin8288

Posted 29 October 2018 - 09:43 PM

My husband said a solid not after my second. When I asked for a third he said no. I was same as you jealous of pregnant women and really wanted another. He kept saying no and now we have a 10, 4, 2 yr old and 4 week old. Good luck. He'll come around and say yes lol

#43 Maree83

Posted 30 October 2018 - 12:27 PM

Lol. Thanks Ekin. Sure hope you are right. Will keep you posted.

#44 ekin8288

Posted 31 October 2018 - 05:11 PM

Good luck and hugs to you

#45 premmie

Posted 01 November 2018 - 11:36 AM

We were very happy with our 2 for a number of years. I also felt that "need" out of nowhere and it was a big shock for me. I had thought I was done. I approached DH about a 3rd and he was very much on board with the idea. So much so that I freaked out completely for a few days after than discussion. Check out my topic history - its there :) We ended up conceiving very quickly and my 3rd has just turned 2.

There's no doubt three is more chaotic and difficult. I have a 4.5year age gap between number 2 and 3. They are all boys. Its a wonderful thing for my older children to have a baby sibling and it's been a joy to watch that. He is a sweetheart and much loved as the youngest sibling and cousin in our family.

That being said, I could not have forced my hand on this. Child raising is for a lifetime and DH had to be completely on board. No one should have to bring a child into the world they aren't sure they 100% want desperately. We use that phrase in terms of women, but it equally applies to men. If your DH says no then I'm not sure there is much you could do. Except move on and plan for a different yet equally great future with two healthy happy kids.

2 is also a lovely number

#46 blueskies12

Posted 13 March 2019 - 08:27 PM

Maree83, how are you now?

I'm going through similar feelings with it being possible I won't be having a third.

I'm finding it quite difficult to be around pregnant people (and am surrounded) and to hear all the 'new baby' talk. although, at the same time feel very grateful.

#47 blueskies12

Posted 13 March 2019 - 08:30 PM

 ekbaby, on 27 October 2018 - 10:31 PM, said:

PS I also found it very hard to be around pregnant people/new babies for a while, and kind of avoided it for a bit (semi-conciously), choosing to hang out with some of the parents of my older kids who had mostly bigger kids now or even kids older than mine. I don't go to playgroups etc, it's just part of moving on from that stage of life. Now I can be around it, but I do hold back a bit and I guess I am a bit detached? I can be happy for someone else having their new baby but choose not to get too deep in conversation about all the nitty gritty of baby stuff (comparing my own kids etc) which is quite possibly appreciated by the new parents too as I am pretty blase and non judgemental, recognising this is their journey not mine. I actually find endless talk about sleep, solids etc a bit boring now, whilst recognising that it was absolutely something I needed when my kids were babies and I was new to it all, but eg I can be at my niece/nephews birthday party and see all the mums with new babies/toddlers looking gorgeous, deep in talk about nappies, organic baby food, routines etc and think "thank god I am past all that" rather than feeling jealous.

Ekbaby, this is how I feel right now. I wondered whether it was wrong of me to feel like this/be like this. It is possible that I won't be having a third child. So I'm kind of detached/distancing myself a little from the pregnant people around me. I guess they are in a different life phase to me now. I want to be supportive, but I'm just finding it a bit hard. Does that get easier over time?

#48 Maree83

Posted 13 March 2019 - 10:25 PM

 blueskies12, on 13 March 2019 - 08:27 PM, said:

Maree83, how are you now?

I'm going through similar feelings with it being possible I won't be having a third.

I'm finding it quite difficult to be around pregnant people (and am surrounded) and to hear all the 'new baby' talk. although, at the same time feel very grateful.

I am still very much in limbo,  my husband hasn't flat out said no to another child but still isn't on board. He has said previously that he "would do it for me " but I said no. I don't want a baby to be born when only one of us truly has there heart set on it. It is either both of us on board or nothing.
We haven't brought up the subject in a while, but I keep hoping he does. I thought this feeling may pass but it hasn't.  I still want another child, I get jealous seeing other pregnant women, feel clucky seeing babies. I also have a close family member who is pregnant so it is difficult.  I feel selfish at times because I have two beautiful girls who I am grateful for. Some people struggle to have one child and I am yearning for a third. I am sorry that I don't have any useful advice but I understand how you are feeling.

#49 Blue Shoe

Posted 14 March 2019 - 06:45 AM

 Maree83, on 13 March 2019 - 10:25 PM, said:



I am still very much in limbo,  my husband hasn't flat out said no to another child but still isn't on board. He has said previously that he "would do it for me " but I said no. I don't want a baby to be born when only one of us truly has there heart set on it. It is either both of us on board or nothing.
We haven't brought up the subject in a while, but I keep hoping he does. I thought this feeling may pass but it hasn't.  I still want another child, I get jealous seeing other pregnant women, feel clucky seeing babies. I also have a close family member who is pregnant so it is difficult.  I feel selfish at times because I have two beautiful girls who I am grateful for. Some people struggle to have one child and I am yearning for a third. I am sorry that I don't have any useful advice but I understand how you are feeling.

Oh OP. I’ve been reading this thread with such a sense of familiarity. I’m in the same situation re: wanting a third, husband not keen, and I totally identify with the sense of limbo. It’s awful. Our second child has been moved out of a cot and now toilet trained, so now we have the cot, change table, pile of MCNs as well as all the baby toys, outgrown clothes... I just want to know, one way or another, how we’re moving forward. If he is never ever going to say yes to a third, then I just want to clear out all the baby stuff and move on. But he won’t commit either way, and because I want the third, I don’t want to push him too hard... argh!

#50 AliasMater

Posted 14 March 2019 - 07:12 AM

I just had my 4th an 40. My 3rd I was 32. The age gap is amazing. I couldn't imagine having to wrangle toddlers. My big kids are such good helpers, and the sibling dynamic is different but incredible to watch with such a large gap.

My point is being closer to 40 (provided no fertility and/or health issues) isn't just a bad thing if your DH needs more time.




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