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If my husband says no to another baby?

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#1 Maree83

Posted 27 October 2018 - 10:32 AM

Okay, so I have been talking to my husband about the possibility of a third child. He is undecided, so he hasn't said no, just that he needs to think about it.
I totally respect that, as I know it is a big decision. I am concerned about him saying no though.
There was a stage where I was undecided also, but these last few months, I have gone from undecided to a full yes. I have no idea what made me swing so quickly.
I haven't been putting any pressure on my husband, I haven't mentioned it in a while as I know he wants to think it through first.
It is all I can think about though.  I am afraid of the disappointment if he doesn't  want another. Has anyone been in a similar situation and if so, in case it is a no, how did you move on?
I have two beautiful girls (a 3yo and 2yo).I am already aware of how lucky I am.  I feel like I will have to grieve if he says no, does that make sense or do I sound crazy?
I get a tinge of jealousy and sadness when I see pregnant women or a new baby. I never expected to go through this.
Foes anyone have any words of advice?

I am going to be 36yo in January, and while I know that women have babies older than this, personally I wouldn't want to wait much more before trying. This would be our last baby.

#2 Oriental lily

Posted 27 October 2018 - 10:50 AM

Your husband is just coming out if baby fog land and now has two children under 5 . 3 year old and 2 is hard ages . Give him time and let him have a breather . The exact reasons your were hesitant a couple of months ago is the reasons he is hesitant now .

If he says a firm no  ( and wants permanent contraception ) then unfortunately there is not much more you can do .  It’s one thing that really can not be compromised on . You can’t have half a baby , there really is no wriggle room .

I think the best way to get him to come around to it is time . At 36 you still have some time on your side ( even though after 35 statistically is harder to conceive ) . I think waiting for the eldest to start school , the younger is a preschooler by then . Things ‘should’ be easier . If you conceived now you would end up with three under 5 . That could send most people in to bedlam !

#3 Maree83

Posted 27 October 2018 - 10:56 AM

I do understand where you are coming from. We have spoken about it and at one stage he was leaning towards a yes and I was undecided.  We both agree on a couple of things though, that it is now or never.  We have two close I in age and wouldn't want a too big of an age gap with the last one, plus we both don't want to be much older.
Yes, three under 5yo would be a tad crazy, but the eldest is an easy child to look after and my other daughter is pretty good (has her moments like any toddler though).
The eldest will be 4yo in March, youngest 3yo in April.

#4 Maree83

Posted 27 October 2018 - 10:59 AM

I guess I am more interested in how to move forward if I get a no?
If he says no now, it will pretty much be a no forever in both our minds as neither are interested in waiting until we are older.

#5 Oriental lily

Posted 27 October 2018 - 11:18 AM

Moving forward would be about setting new goals for the future . Defining your future of a family of four . You need to restrain from resentment because his choice of wanting only two children is just as legitimate as your reasons for wanting three .
Take on board the reasoning for him wanting to stop at three and build on from that for the future .

More financial freedom, easier travel , lower child care fees . I am sure his reasoning will make sense even if your heart is protesting against the rationale and wanting a third .
It will feel unfair , prepair for feeling like something has been snatched from you .

But two people need to be in agreeance .

Like I mentioned before there is no compromise that is fair on both .

Edited by Oriental lily, 27 October 2018 - 11:19 AM.

#6 Maree83

Posted 27 October 2018 - 11:27 AM

No. I understand that. As said in my post, I don't want to pressure him, I know he wants to think things through. It is more about how I will cope that concerns me.
I know we have to completely agree. I don't want him to "do it for me".
I understand his way of thinking. He is more in doubt due to practical reasons.  
We can afford another, we aren't struggling.  He is more thinking about how we can save more, not as much schooling fees etc.
All valid reasons.  I guess I never thought I would feel so strongly about having another. My feelings are hard to explain. It has really thrown me.

#7 MrsLexiK

Posted 27 October 2018 - 11:35 AM

My DH said no. He feels done. He doesn’t want any more. He is so content with what we have. Other reasons include his age and finances and the fact we have non sleeping reflux croup kids. My kids are 3 and 5, my day care fees are about to half when DS1 goes to school. We will be managing 2 overseas holidays 2 years in a row. We are also planning a white Christmas in the next few years, again doable because a family of 4 costs less. I’ve got both doing dance last year with just one I hardly noticed the $485 over the year. This year I’ve definitely felt it come fee time - especially when costume fees and medal/trophy fees have been due. Adding another lot would be a hit. Same with swimming lessons, etc. a third would mean when we are looking at houses (for more land) we wouldn’t be able to look at the ones we have been (ie 3 bedrooms smaller houses then what we have), as we run our business from home so need a study.

Some days I’m more accepting then others.

#8 Riotproof

Posted 27 October 2018 - 11:56 AM

View PostMaree83, on 27 October 2018 - 10:59 AM, said:

I guess I am more interested in how to move forward if I get a no?
If he says no now, it will pretty much be a no forever in both our minds as neither are interested in waiting until we are older.

Does that really matter though? While it's a maybe later, you don't need a plan for what happens if it's a no. For all you know, you could change your mind as well.

#9 Maree83

Posted 27 October 2018 - 12:09 PM

@riotproof...yes it does matter to me. I have recognized within myself that my feelings are pretty intense, so I don't think there is any harm in preparing myself.
As previously stated, if he says no, we are both on the same page that it will be final. So, a change of mind on either side is highly unlikely.

#10 Maree83

Posted 27 October 2018 - 12:11 PM

It's all good guys. Thanks for the advice. Think I will just see what happens and go from there.

#11 Kallie88

Posted 27 October 2018 - 12:14 PM

We've got 3 under 3, Dh want sure with #3 but we also didn't use protection so he must have been partly on board lol. But when we fell with #3 he was a firm no on more (relevant because we'd talked about maybe 4). Luckily that gave me a whole pregnancy to sort of enjoy it as the last one. But what's also helped with knowing there'll be no fourth is thinking about all the things I don't miss and would be harder with another. So I won't miss getting to look after kids while vomiting with ms or heavily pregnant (fresh in my mind atm lol). My labors were fine, but I won't miss the recovery from switches, I'll be happy when we don't have to go through the sleepless newborn stage again. And now we can start planning for when the kids are all old enough to go do things that we can't with a baby (or don't because they're just so much effort). In a year when bubs transitions to a big bed we'll be able to get rid of the baby furniture, put the kids in 1 room and change the other room to a play room. I'll be able to get started on my career finally.

I guess it's all perspective, all of those things I could look at and be sad about not doing again, but I'm trying to think instead that they're a positive, that we're moving on to a new chapter in life

#12 MooGuru

Posted 27 October 2018 - 01:36 PM

DH and I cycle with who wants a baby and who doesn't. Given he was keen months ago and you weren't and now it has changed. It wouldn't surprise me if him saying yes prompts you to start having doubts. It's very safe to really want a baby when your partner is hesitating. You may continue to have these intense feelings but I know several people where the intense feelings stopped the moment a baby was actually a possibility.

If the answer is a define no focus on what you have and things to look forward to in your future that would be harder/not possible with the additional financial and caring burdens a baby brings. Maybe research a holiday or something - it doesn't replace the want for a baby but it does give you an alternate future that will bring you happiness without needing a third child to fulfill it.

#13 Caribou

Posted 27 October 2018 - 01:43 PM

I’d like three. DH does not want three. I am ok either way. I can’t have the 3rd unless DH is on board. And the window is fast closing with his snip coming up in a few weeks. (The upcoming ship was spurred by the close call last month, he’s absolutely sure it’s no more thanks!) I don’t like it but I respect it. I look at there’s no downside to not having a third(apart from I #3) like others saidas they get older the freedom that you get back is rather amazing and I can’t wait for our next holiday! There’s lot of positives to just sticking to 2. But if he changed his mind and wanted a 3rd I’d be equally happy.

Look, I guess what I’m trying to say, is the more you invest into wanting #3, the harder it is to step away from the idea, especially if you’re emotionally intense by nature. I would at the stage, accept there’s no #3, and if he decides yes, then you’ll be pleasantly surprised and happy.

#14 Mae55

Posted 27 October 2018 - 02:03 PM

View PostMooGuru, on 27 October 2018 - 01:36 PM, said:

DH and I cycle with who wants a baby and who doesn't. Given he was keen months ago and you weren't and now it has changed. It wouldn't surprise me if him saying yes prompts you to start having doubts. It's very safe to really want a baby when your partner is hesitating. You may continue to have these intense feelings but I know several people where the intense feelings stopped the moment a baby was actually a possibility.

If the answer is a define no focus on what you have and things to look forward to in your future that would be harder/not possible with the additional financial and caring burdens a baby brings. Maybe research a holiday or something - it doesn't replace the want for a baby but it does give you an alternate future that will bring you happiness without needing a third child to fulfill it.

That’s what happened here. Both happy with two, then I wanted three. Didn’t nag but made it clear I’d like another. DH said no. Time went on and I still had those feelings but was trying to accept the no when he changed his mind and said ‘let’s do it...’.

I think we tried half heartedly for a month and then I changed my mind and said no!

I still have moments when I yearn for three or wish we’d done it. But 99% of the time I focus on the benefits of having two!

#15 Maree83

Posted 27 October 2018 - 02:23 PM

Thanks heaps for all the advice. It has really helped me.
I don't think I will change my mind in regards to having a third as it has been a few months in the making for me, and I have given it a lot of thought.
I will respect my husband's decision regardless of what he decides. I think I was feeling like there was something wrong with how strongly I feel about it?
I have always wanted children, but even trying for my daughters, I felt different. It is hard to explain.  Maybe because I know this next one would be our last?
I think the waiting for his response is the hardest part. I just would like to either make the commitment to try or otherwise try to move forward and focus on the future.
A lot of comments here have helped put things in perspective though, so thanks.

#16 SplashingRainbows

Posted 27 October 2018 - 06:45 PM

I hate waiting too OP. The unknown is hard for many of us I think.

Be gentle with yourself.

#17 knottygirl

Posted 27 October 2018 - 08:27 PM

I have 3 and while I don’t regret it, 3 is tricky in terms of travel ect. Even long car trips can be hard. We actually have a 7 seater and one is always in the 3rd row on long haul drives as fights break out when they all touch each other.

School fees is def a big one also. We are only doing private high school but the 2 years that I have all 3 there will be a killer.

Plus activities. Not only the cost but the time. Some days I feel like all I do is drop off and pick up. Plus the mental stress of keeping track of who goes where, reminding this one or that one it’s sports day, permission notes, homework. I can’t even imagine how it is for people with more than 3.  I do drop the ball occaionally and then feel terrible, like when I forgot about the Father’s Day breakfast at Kindy. Or I miss seeing an award at assembly.  

Whichever way you decide, there is lots of positives to just having 2 children! And of course positives for having 3.

#18 BeachesBaby

Posted 27 October 2018 - 08:37 PM

Maree - I'm sorry you're going through this, it does sound like you're trying to prepare yourself for all outcomes, and I can empathize, as I do the same with myself, to manage my own disappointment in the case of an unfavourable outcome.

I can't recommend therapy highly enough, whether your DH says yes or no. My therapist is fantastic for helping me to work through difficult feelings, and has given me so many coping skills which have gotten me through hard times.

#19 blueskies12

Posted 27 October 2018 - 09:28 PM

No real advice, only wanted to say you aren’t alone. My husband has never really been keen for a third, and since having our second I have continuously thought about babies! He hasn’t said a definite no, and I’ve brought it up.
I do wonder how I would feel if he was over-enthusiastically saying yes. Would I be scared to jump? I also wonder how I will feel if/when he definitely says no.
Part of my biggest problem is not knowing where I’m heading in life (it actually makes me anxious) and not knowing ether to pass on the baby stuff/ or plan positively about the future is very difficult. I think once you know you can go through some grieving; but not knowing doesn’t allow for that.
I’m also trying to be thankful for each day with my children and think of the positive of having two.
But I understand that yearning.
I think whichever way will be decided will in some ways be easier than where you are now.

#20 Maree83

Posted 27 October 2018 - 09:43 PM

Thanks so much for all the advice.  I feel better knowing there are some that can relate in a way.
I definitely agree with the comment you made blueskies. Even if my husband says no, that would be better than not knowing in my opinion. I hate feeling like I am in limbo, would rather know so I can plan and focus on the future.
I do have a psychologist that I have seen in the past. It has been a while since we caught up so might not be a bad idea to do this now I think.
I am feeling a bit guilty tonight though. I have two beautiful children, and my soon to be sister in law told me that she may need ivf. Here I am worried about a third child and she is struggling to have her first.

#21 Soontobegran

Posted 27 October 2018 - 09:55 PM

I would have found it extremely difficult if I had a husband who thought he could veto a decision to have a subsequent child without considering my desires and only considering his.

Sure he has a right to say no, he may have very good reasons but they do not trump yours and I may have felt it a deal breaker if mine had said no without some very good reasons why not.

We had 5 in 5 ....not planned that quickly however we planned to have 4......we just got lucky.

Wishing you every good luck.

Edited by Soontobegran, 27 October 2018 - 09:56 PM.

#22 Riotproof

Posted 27 October 2018 - 09:59 PM

Each person trumps the other in the right to say no, because there aren't any half babies floating around. So, yes.. sometimes one person either male or female can be at their capacity.

Would you really answer the same for a husband wanting number 3 when his wife didn't?

#23 **Xena**

Posted 27 October 2018 - 10:08 PM

I completely understand. I am a planner and my anxiety means I hate not knowing and being stuck in limbo. I've usually prepared myself for multiple outcomes to a situation :lol:

I have 5 kids and it's a joint decision not to have more and I still find myself grieving for that chapter of my life being over. I do find it helpful to think about and even plan other things you can get excited over- for me it's travel and house renovations :)

Talking to someone would probably be helpful- even just a friend who you can just let out your feelings with whilst your husband deliberates. It sounds like you are keeping things a bit bottled up because you don't want your husband to feel pressured by talking to him about your feelings.

Good luck :hugs:

#24 ekbaby

Posted 27 October 2018 - 10:24 PM

Yes I can relate to your question OP and I think it's a great one.
I really wanted 4 children, always have, but DP was hesitant. Eventually DP said yes to #4 but I knew that it was to make me happy and I didn't feel that it was right to put the rest of the family through all the possible downsides of adding another child (esp as I had PND with #1 and #3, they were hard babies, #3 had developmental delays which made me feel she needed extra attention too...)
For me it was also a "now or never" thing
What helped me move on from the no was a question I read "what would you be doing in the next few years if you didn't have another baby?"
I realised that I actually had no idea, it was like a big black scary hole
My whole life for years had been about being at home, having babies and little kids, and whilst it had been a challenge, I had finally gotten the hang of it by #3 and feel pretty comfortable hanging out with preschoolers, cooking, helping out at school etc.
When I tried to really think about that question I realised instead of being a scary question it could be an exciting one
Eg we are planning on taking the kids out of school for a bit and doing long term (cheap/camping) travel. Something we would have to put off and maybe never be able to do if we had another baby
I got a job... which was kind of a coincidence... but changed our life and daily routine a lot. We have more money- we have been on such a tight income for such a long time, once I started working we could do things like actually go out to the pub for dinner with the kids once a week/fortnight. We are separated during the day but more money means the kids can do the sports etc they want to do and I have the disposable income to then take them out for dinner after and we all get to hang out as a family and enjoy life instead of having me stuck at home cooking mince again... not that I didn't enjoy my time doing that
I thought about having older kids and the kinds of activities I could enjoy with them as they grow up, eg watching movies that we both enjoy without being interrupted by a toddler, being able to take one out and leave the others at home safe, going on long hikes

#25 ekbaby

Posted 27 October 2018 - 10:31 PM

PS I also found it very hard to be around pregnant people/new babies for a while, and kind of avoided it for a bit (semi-conciously), choosing to hang out with some of the parents of my older kids who had mostly bigger kids now or even kids older than mine. I don't go to playgroups etc, it's just part of moving on from that stage of life. Now I can be around it, but I do hold back a bit and I guess I am a bit detached? I can be happy for someone else having their new baby but choose not to get too deep in conversation about all the nitty gritty of baby stuff (comparing my own kids etc) which is quite possibly appreciated by the new parents too as I am pretty blase and non judgemental, recognising this is their journey not mine. I actually find endless talk about sleep, solids etc a bit boring now, whilst recognising that it was absolutely something I needed when my kids were babies and I was new to it all, but eg I can be at my niece/nephews birthday party and see all the mums with new babies/toddlers looking gorgeous, deep in talk about nappies, organic baby food, routines etc and think "thank god I am past all that" rather than feeling jealous.

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