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Is three a bad idea?
58 replies to this topic
Posted 09 April 2019 - 09:07 PM
Lalalove, how did you go? What have you decided?
I have read through this thread and it has been so helpful- thank you.
Posted 09 April 2019 - 10:18 PM
I have 3. It was hard at the beginning but number 3 (DS2) is now 11 so we are well past the young child stage. Despite the fact he is very different to his sister and brother, and very active and “out there” he has given me (and continues to give me) such joy. He was a completely crazy as a toddler (which is why there is no number 4 - i was 39 just after he was born so needed to make an early decision about another one).
Posted 09 April 2019 - 10:25 PM
Me too. My boys are lovely 11/13yo now and 8.5yo DD is much harder work.
Like a PP said 3 causes friction. Does not matter which one you take out, but take one out and the other two get along fine. This is the same for my SILs 3.
Holidays are my bug item. Hotels etc are geared for 2A2C and 3C means extra room or huge cost for a bigger room/suite normally (often the 2 rooms are cheaper- but if not interconnected you and DH sleep in seperate rooms with different kids).
My 3 are the same. Any 2 of them works well most of the time, all 3 not so fun. I had 3 under 4. I found, still do, 3 much harder then 2 and its certainly put a big strain on our marriage. I wouldnt be without Ds2, I wouldn't change having him but it's been so hard and so exhausting and it's exacted a very big toll on my body (exacerbated existing chronic illness), my mind and my marriage.
Eta: it didn't make any difference to me to that not done feeling. I still want another, a 4th. Never going to happen, even if DH was totally against, as it would completely destroy my health, but I don't feel done. I expected I would after no 3 was born, but I don't. I think some people never do.
Edited by someoneanon33, 09 April 2019 - 10:40 PM.
Posted 10 April 2019 - 05:18 AM
Thank you again.
I think more conversation is needed with DH...
Ultimately I just don't feel like we are done. I love being a mum and when I see my two boys I just think how lovely another would be.
Definitely heart over head feelings though I appreciate all your comments x
I have two. We found ourselves unexpectedly pregnant with #3 last Christmas. I was nervous but excited. I’d wanted 3 but DH wanted 2. When we were going to have 3 he was on board and excited too. Unfortunately I had a miscarriage.
I really wanted #3. To me, 3 felt ‘complete’ I have a wall of family photos and every time I looked at them, I felt #3 was missing from them. (Prior to pregnancy) I couldn’t shake the feeling off either. DH agreeed to try again for 3 but once the whirlwind of emotions of loss and desire to try again settled dowb, we realised that though 3 was a nice idea, it wasn’t right for our life situation now. I didn’t want another age gap between kids either, eldest is 7, youngest is 2, I really wanted 3 to be close in age.
It sounds so stupid, but I always felt like 3 was waiting for me be create him. Especially when we agreed to go again. And to close the door on going for 3, was really hard. I almost felt like I was killing off a child, just so I and my family can continue to enjoy lifestyle as it is now. We’d have to have taken a huge step down in what we do, like holidays, schooling, activities. It would have been a game changer. Though I know we’d have found much love and fun with a different lifestyle with 3 involved, I also selfishly didn’t want to lose my current lifestyle. DH worried about retirement. Add a 3rd into mix he’d need to work longer too. He works in a very stressful job, he was keen to get out of it too, if we had 3, he’d have to do another 10years, especially being the main income earner.
Whenever I look at my kids baby photos or videos, especially at their request, I do get a longing for #3 and while I adore looking at my kids baby phtos, I do get a little sad. But I completely understand why we didn’t go for another. The ship has sailed so to speak for us. The more the gap grows between my youngest and a 3rd, the easier the feelings get, I’m getting more of me back. My independence, I LOVE my kids. And we are already in a chaotic lifestyle, and a 3rd I’m sure will be very much adored, it just wasn’t right for us.
Good luck. It’s such a hard decision. I still continue to desire a 3rd with my heart. And it always says **** this, do it! But my head knows that it’s not right.
Posted 10 April 2019 - 08:11 PM
Gosh as I have mentioned in another thread I feel the same way. I think about a third all the time and can't part with the baby clothes. It is all heart- my mind says something completely different. I'm terribly scared of regretting not having a third.
Caribou, I don't think anything you have said means you are selfish. You are putting your children and your husband first- their needs first, for example your husband working longer etc. It is something that I never realised I would need to consider when thinking about the third- everyone else's needs/wants/ temperaments.
Posted 10 April 2019 - 10:17 PM
Caribou this is exactly the crossroad we are at now. Not 100% decided but pretty close to a decision to stop at two. Ds is 8 DD 3.
We both have liked the idea of a third but feel it would stretch us time wise, financially and just general stress wise (i get easily overwhelmed when our schedule is busy). I also worry that the gap between DS and #3 would mean i would be busy with toddler issues when he is really needing me for those preteen issues.
I keep telling myself i am choosing the two kids i already have over my desire for another. Meaning i give them more quality time with a less stressed mum. I still think i may regret it and long for another in the future. Though it is good to hear honest accounts of how hard it is in this thread too.
Posted 10 April 2019 - 11:44 PM
It’s weird, I really really definitely do not want a third, dh and I were 100% on the same page about his vasectomy, but I still dream about a third and sometimes picture them. I think our bodies play tricks on us a bit
What I really want, is ds and dd to be babies again but without the cmpi, the severe reflux, ear infections, years of no sleep- but that can’t happen and odds are if I had a third I’d get all that again, I just can’t do it
I hope everyone is able to come to peace with their decisions
Posted 12 April 2019 - 10:02 AM
Just realised I had posted earlier in the thread.... my view still holds.
Edited by Veritas Vinum Arte, 12 April 2019 - 10:03 AM.
Posted 23 April 2019 - 07:50 PM
I have three and I LOVE it. However, they are 11, 8 and 2.
The big gap between two and three has been amazing. I found the jump from 2 to 3 much easier than 1 to 2.
I would have had difficulty coping with 3 under 4.
im about to have number 3 any day now and will have similar age gaps.
So happy to read your post even though the thread is a few months old now
Edited by WannabeMasterchef, 23 April 2019 - 07:54 PM.
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