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Would like a second child but still horrified from first


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#1 Lintu

Posted 02 June 2018 - 09:02 AM

Hi everyone,

My son is four, and while I would like a second child (and he keeps asking for a baby) I am terrified of getting pregnant again after his birth.

Complete routine pregnancy, no problems, one slight hiccup when midwifes test strip batch was faulty (was showing all mums with high protein) which lead me in to a panic attack causing high blood pressure. Was sent off for bloods and all came back clear, midwife kept a close eye on me after that with no other problems.

Fast forward to labour.
I started on his due date on a Friday, extremely slow labour to start with, waited until Tuesday to go to OBS, told me I was 4cm along, did stretch and sweep and told me to head to hospital, this was late afternoon.

Got there, tired mummy to be with not sleeping properly for 4 days. They sat me in the waiting area for 20 minutes and ignored me because they couldn't find my information from my obs. Finally get let in, they did a check and told me I wasn't far along enough and that they were going to send me home.

They finally changed their mind and let me stay, I should have just gone home.

intervention after intervention.

I did as much as I could, I walked up and down the stairs, many times, I bounced on the ball, nothing was good enough for them.

They broke my waters later that night, by Wednesday morning I wasn't progressed enough, I was told "You have an epidural now, or we will give you one and take you in to theatre"
of course, scared Mummy said epidural.

They hooked me up, gave me an induction and left me to it. A couple of hours later they came in and told me to push, not being able to feel anything they coached me. Three pushes in and I told them I wasn't feeling well/light headed, they forced me to go again.

Well, I ended up with a seizure. So then they had to use forceps because I couldn't do anything after that, I then haemorrhaged, badly.

Because of all this I barely remember my child's first 24 hours, and the aftercare was worse because they just wanted to boot me out.

I don't want to go through something like this again as I would have to go to the same hospital as it's the only one within distance.

How did you mama's get past your traumatic birth to have a second child?

#2 Anon100

Posted 02 June 2018 - 09:08 AM

Poor you.

I moved states so I was able to go to a different hospital and in fact went to a private birth centre. The birth was not smooth but I felt supported throughout.

If you have to use the same hospital can you change doctors, get a private midwife?

Can you have a meeting with the team at the hospital?

#3 Lintu

Posted 02 June 2018 - 09:10 AM

View PostAnon100, on 02 June 2018 - 09:08 AM, said:


If you have to use the same hospital can you change doctors, get a private midwife?

Can you have a meeting with the team at the hospital?

Private midwife and OBS, public hospital. my OBS lost it at all the staff in my care when he saw the state they'd left me in.

#4 newmumandexcited

Posted 02 June 2018 - 09:16 AM

I hate to say this but could you go private?

#5 Lintu

Posted 02 June 2018 - 09:19 AM

View Postnewmumandexcited, on 02 June 2018 - 09:16 AM, said:

I hate to say this but could you go private?
I'd have to research Hospitals in the area that have birthing suites. Although I know someone who wanted to go private but just ended up in a private room in a public hospital so it looks unlikely.

#6 Sancti-claws

Posted 02 June 2018 - 09:23 AM

View PostLintu, on 02 June 2018 - 09:10 AM, said:

Private midwife and OBS, public hospital. my OBS lost it at all the staff in my care when he saw the state they'd left me in.

Obviously it being the only local, and I would assume he is a local private obs, they really need to have a better communications flow - the fact that they couldn't find his records started this disaster for you and they really should have been able to resolve that.

As it would probably be the same dichotomy, I would talk to the ob about what has been done between his office and hospital to fix that, and what avenues he/they have for you to see someone about your trauma and what can be done to ensure it doesn't happen again.

You need to find power in the situation that you will be going into, and so getting him and the hospital to work with you on the solution should give you some of that power back.

#7 taters

Posted 02 June 2018 - 09:28 AM

It is so important that you feel supported,respected and treated with dignity during birth. I think that even if unexpected and potentially bad things happen as long as you feel heard and supported it can make the biggest difference. I had a private OB at a private hospital. I cant rave about the experience highly enough. From beginning to end it was incredible service and support. I strongly suggest you look into that as an option because your OB is your advocate and, in my experience only, private meant choice which is so important even moreso in your situation.

#8 Anon100

Posted 02 June 2018 - 09:28 AM

Make an appointment to see the OBS and talk to him about what can be done. If he expressed his fury at them he can be your strongest ally.

But if you want a baby do it. The chances of it being that bad again are remote.

#9 lizzybirdsworth

Posted 02 June 2018 - 10:25 AM

Can you get a doula or someone who will stand up for what you want when you feel you can’t during labor?
Sounds like a terrifying experience and some debriefing would probably help as well with your ob especially why you had a seizure

#10 Elle2k17

Posted 02 June 2018 - 01:09 PM

I honestly haven’t moved past ours at all.

Our first ended in almost the highest category emergency csection, they didnt expect bub to be alive and almost give me a general but the spinal block kicked in at the last second. From a few weeks before the birth to my treatment in hospital afterwards I was not comfortable with the process or their regard for my wishes.

I am newly pregnant again and am planning another csection. I am reading through all hospital policy’s in regards to this, what is and is not recommended by NSW health and the research behind it. I will be making my wishes known from the first contact I have with the hospital and have very specific wishes for my csection. My view is that I got literally nothing I asked for the first time around, there is absolutely no reason they cannot provide basic things that will make an “operation” into child birth for us.

I think that if you talked through it with a psych and got something in writing saying that a VB would put you at risk of further mental health issues you may be able to have a csection if you wish? That is of course if your fears are around a VB and a csection may make you feel better? That’s not the case for everyone.

Whilst the csection does present additional risks for both mother and child, for some women the mental aspect is huge and I absolutely will not attempt a VB again after our experience.

#11 SuperMombie3

Posted 02 June 2018 - 01:25 PM

View PostElle2k17, on 02 June 2018 - 01:09 PM, said:

I honestly haven’t moved past ours at all.

Our first ended in almost the highest category emergency csection, they didnt expect bub to be alive and almost give me a general but the spinal block kicked in at the last second. From a few weeks before the birth to my treatment in hospital afterwards I was not comfortable with the process or their regard for my wishes.

I am newly pregnant again and am planning another csection. I am reading through all hospital policy’s in regards to this, what is and is not recommended by NSW health and the research behind it. I will be making my wishes known from the first contact I have with the hospital and have very specific wishes for my csection. My view is that I got literally nothing I asked for the first time around, there is absolutely no reason they cannot provide basic things that will make an “operation” into child birth for us.

I think that if you talked through it with a psych and got something in writing saying that a VB would put you at risk of further mental health issues you may be able to have a csection if you wish? That is of course if your fears are around a VB and a csection may make you feel better? That’s not the case for everyone.

Whilst the csection does present additional risks for both mother and child, for some women the mental aspect is huge and I absolutely will not attempt a VB again after our experience.

I felt exactly the same after my first, emergency csection after failed induction. I'm still not really over my first birth and the only way I could get past it was to blank it from my mind. I still try not to think of it and I was not in a good place when I went in for my planned cs with DS1.  DDs csection didn't start out too much of an emergency, they tooke off the induction drugs and expected her heartbeat to respond and stop plummeting, we'd been told we'd be waiting a while to go up to surgery as there were a couple of people ahead of us.  Then it suddenly became we're going now and while outwardly calm I was inwardly freaking out that she wouldn't make it.  5.5 years ago and I still cry thinking about DDs birth.  But unlike the OP my aftercare was great.  The hospital did nothing wrong with mine, it was just the fear and the being out of control and wondering if she'd make it.  DS1 planned csection was a much nicer experience.  Though I regret making a trial of labour when I went into labour early before my booked in csection.  It reminded me too much of my failed labour with DD.  

OP if a planned csection would help you feel more in control Id look into that option.  If there's a private hospital you can attend I'd look into that.  I definitely think talking to your OB about what could be done to make sure it doesn't happen again is a good idea.  A private midwife or doula for support might be an option too.  I know some of the doulas locally do post traumatic birth debriefs for clients.  I'm sorry you had such a terrifying experience.  If you've got the money I'd try a few different things like counselling/seeing your OB/seeing someone for a birth debriefing, whatever sounds like it might help and see if you can get to a place where you feel like you can move forward.  I dealt with it by ignoring it till I was 20 weeks pregnant and freaking out and realized I couldn't face the VBAC I desperately wanted and told the hospital flat out I wasn't doing the vbac classes because I wasn't going to try vaginal birth again.  For me a planned csection, the idea of being in control helped. Wishing you all the best OP.

Edited by SuperMombie3, 02 June 2018 - 01:35 PM.


#12 Feral33

Posted 02 June 2018 - 01:51 PM

I got private health insurance and then had an elective caesar.

#13 ~LM~

Posted 02 June 2018 - 02:26 PM

I changed hospitals for my second. I was lucky I could do that, and I’m sorry you cant OP.

My first birth wasn’t ideal, (long induction, forceps in theatre, nearly a c-section, disinterested midwives throughout) but it was the after care that really sucked and left me traumatised.  I was stuck in bed and no one gave me my baby. That’s what hurts the most, then when he cried they whisked him away and said “you sleep you must be tired” I just wanted my baby, but I was all alone and couldn’t move, and couldn’t even reach the buzzer. Still makes me cry thinking about those first few hours post birth. Then there was no advice, midwives changed every day and were too busy to help with anything. I felt we had to beg for everything, formula, breastfeeding help, pain relief, ice packs, everything was an inconvenience. Everything was just not right. I probably could have coped with the crappy birth if the care afterwards was better. This was a private hospital too. It was horrible. I cried about it frequently while pregnant with my second.

For what it’s worth though, my second was a MUCH easier birth, the hospital staff were MUCH nicer, and I went home earlier. The whole thing really helped me get over the first birth. I finally had the birth I imagined I would and now the trauma of the first birth doesn’t really affect me anymore.

If you’re stuck with that hospital then just do everything else you can to work around it. Don’t go in until you absolutely have to, bring a good advocate with you, someone independent, a doula, nurse, anyone that will stand up for you. Then afterwards, leave as soon as possible and set up support at home. Hire a post-birth nurse too, a lactation consultant, or whatever you can afford. Treat the hospital as an inconvenient birthing spot, and aim to get out of there and to your support network as soon as you can.

#14 ~LM~

Posted 02 June 2018 - 02:42 PM

Also, there is a counsellor near me that specialises in post-birth counselling. It’s becoming more common and traumatic births are finally being a bit more recognised as something that needs mental health support. Look in your local area and don’t be afraid to get some help from a counsellor or psychologist.

#15 Anon100

Posted 02 June 2018 - 02:54 PM

View Post~LM~, on 02 June 2018 - 02:26 PM, said:

I changed hospitals for my second. I was lucky I could do that, and I’m sorry you cant OP.

My first birth wasn’t ideal, (long induction, forceps in theatre, nearly a c-section, disinterested midwives throughout) but it was the after care that really sucked and left me traumatised.  I was stuck in bed and no one gave me my baby. That’s what hurts the most, then when he cried they whisked him away and said “you sleep you must be tired” I just wanted my baby, but I was all alone and couldn’t move, and couldn’t even reach the buzzer. Still makes me cry thinking about those first few hours post birth. Then there was no advice, midwives changed every day and were too busy to help with anything. I felt we had to beg for everything, formula, breastfeeding help, pain relief, ice packs, everything was an inconvenience. Everything was just not right. I probably could have coped with the crappy birth if the care afterwards was better. This was a private hospital too. It was horrible. I cried about it frequently while pregnant with my second.



Were you in my hospital?
28 years ago after an easy pregnancy - so easy I was induced at 24 days over.
Waters broken, internal fetal monitoring, on the drip.
Student midwife who didn't want me to move so she could feel contractions and thent old me off for grabbing the nearest object to hand to clean the dripping amniotic fluid - the roll of toilet paper. Hey if it is so full of germs perhaps don't stick it next to my bed.
baby gets stuck, heart rate plummets, shift change, lie on your back dear it makes pushing more effective.
Humongous  episiotomy followed bu high forceps delivery.

Fortunately my baby was fine, despite being pushed back in, turned around and then pulled out.

He wasn't taken away, instead after all that I walked the floor  that night with him screaming for 3 hours before finally calling for help at 2 am and being told to 'give it more of a try'. Poor baby at 6 hours old was holding his head up presumably because of neck strain due to forceps.
No one checked my wound for nearly 24 hours until I heard them ask the woman in the next room about hers and would she like some ice; so I asked did they need to see mine.
Then I made the mistake of reading my notes which were highly critical of my lack of skill.

But OP No 2 was far better. I mean I haemorrhaged (minor detail) but was with staff I trusted completely who cared for us and I felt completely safe.




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