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I feel sick to my stomach, advice needed


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#1 luckyducky

Posted 30 December 2017 - 09:32 AM

I have just woken up to an email from my father..... I cant stop shaking and I don't know what to do.

He said that he made my 12 year old daughter uncomfortable on christmas day by looking at her inapproprately and that he feels sick and ashamed......

I cant tell anyone until I understand what s going on, especially my husband.....

Please give me some advice, I feel sick to the core.

Edited by luckyducky, 30 December 2017 - 09:33 AM.


#2 little lion

Posted 30 December 2017 - 09:34 AM

Gosh how upsetting for you. Are you certain your dad sent the email? (Not, for example, your stupid little brother pranking you?) Do you have a trusted psychologist or GP? They could be good first steps to help you figure out your feelings and any actions needed.

#3 SelceLisbeth

Posted 30 December 2017 - 09:36 AM

Talk to your DD. Talk to your dad. The fact he is talking to you is a good thing. Breathe. Thinking of you. Around on PM if you need someone to bounce things off. x

#4 EsmeLennox

Posted 30 December 2017 - 09:38 AM

Oh gosh...that’s a terrible thing to have to read. Do you think your DD is aware? Is it possible that anything more untoward has occurred?

I think you have a typo in your post...was it your dad who sent the email?

I’m not sure what to say...my protective instinctive reaction is to to cut that relationship dead and try to find out if anything else has occurred, with a view to looking at whether further action is required either legally or psychologically. At the very least, I’d be telling the sender of the email to stay away and to seek help from a healthcare provider/psychologist/psychiatrist.

You poor thing...hopefully others will have more useful advice.

#5 luckyducky

Posted 30 December 2017 - 09:44 AM

Thanks, yesa typo I fixed it. it came from my dad.  He sent me a text telling me to check my email.... so I don't think its a prank.  I am hoping its my psycho brother somehow, but not really sure how that would happen.

I asked my daughter and she looked at me blankly.  I am so confused.......I have emailed back telling him that i need to process the information, and that I am very confused. I don't even know if he has spoken to my mum.  All my kids are supposed to be staying at their house for a few days over summer ......

#6 No Drama Please

Posted 30 December 2017 - 09:47 AM

sh*t how scary for you. It’s good he’s acknowledged it without denying or reflecting anything but my knee jerk reaction is not to let them stay over in summer till you know exactly what is happening, sorry x

#7 amaza

Posted 30 December 2017 - 09:53 AM

Wow, that's huge.

Your priority is obviously your daughter's safety and as such he shouldn't be unsupervised at all around her or any children right now (probably ever again tbh).

He needs to do what he needs to do to sort out why he has done what he's done. It's good that he's told you but that's still not really enough. I get that it's only been days since Christmas but he should probably be booking in to see someone about his revelations to start the process of breaking down why he was inappropriate.

In the meantime I think if it was me I'd take a break from him and get some support myself. I'm so so sorry that you are in this right now.

#8 Dirty Cat

Posted 30 December 2017 - 09:54 AM

Maybe call you dad and get him.to talk you through it

#9 EsmeLennox

Posted 30 December 2017 - 09:54 AM

Quote

All my kids are supposed to be staying at their house for a few days over summer ...

Nope, I’d be changing plans...

#10 luckyducky

Posted 30 December 2017 - 10:01 AM

he just wrote:

I have not told Mum as I am too ashamed.

I communicated with you to assure you I made a one-off mistake which will never be repeated.

Believe me it was a 5 second incident where I thought, and still do, I offended.


#11 Mooples

Posted 30 December 2017 - 10:06 AM

I’m in no way defending your dad and I can understand how shocked and upset you must be but I’m wondering if he could have looked at her and noticed her body may have changed / started to change with puberty and then felt ashamed he’s seen his grand daughter as developing into a woman and now feels terrible about it.

#12 Dirty Cat

Posted 30 December 2017 - 10:06 AM

I feel like him telling you is as a warning and he doesn't want you to put temptation in his way.


It is not concerning that he actually had these thoughts in the first place???


#13 marple

Posted 30 December 2017 - 10:07 AM

I think he means he offended your daughter not that he committed an offence?
How awful and confusing. I would ring and find out exactly what he means.

#14 ~J_WTF~

Posted 30 December 2017 - 10:10 AM

I would want to know what he thinks he did that offended and also if my daughter felt offended before I made any decisions personally.

I mean are we talking a sexual or something else. I wouldn't be able to make the proper decisions without these details.

#15 Nobodyelse

Posted 30 December 2017 - 10:14 AM

View Post~J_F~, on 30 December 2017 - 10:10 AM, said:

I would want to know what he thinks he did that offended and also if my daughter felt offended before I made any decisions personally.

I mean are we talking a sexual or something else. I wouldn't be able to make the proper decisions without these details.

Me either. It is all too vague. It reads to me like he noticed she was developing and caught himself looking then felt ashamed rather than had urges toward your DD.

How horrible. I'm sorry you're going through this.

#16 sealie

Posted 30 December 2017 - 10:15 AM

View PostMooples, on 30 December 2017 - 10:06 AM, said:

I’m in no way defending your dad and I can understand how shocked and upset you must be but I’m wondering if he could have looked at her and noticed her body may have changed / started to change with puberty and then felt ashamed he’s seen his grand daughter as developing into a woman and now feels terrible about it.

This is what I was thinking (hoping) too.

#17 sealie

Posted 30 December 2017 - 10:20 AM

View PostNobodyelse, on 30 December 2017 - 10:14 AM, said:

Me either. It is all too vague. It reads to me like he noticed she was developing and caught himself looking then felt ashamed rather than had urges toward your DD.

How horrible. I'm sorry you're going through this.

If it is, he got caught looking (noticing) in a chance situation, it is a chance for you and your daughter to have a talk about these things in general.

I would talk to your dad and then perhaps your daughter before I made a decision about visiting / staying.

It is also a chance for you and your dad to get closer.

Edited by sealie, 30 December 2017 - 11:24 AM.


#18 Silverstreak

Posted 30 December 2017 - 10:20 AM

Gosh, what a situation, I'm so sorry!

Okay, if I were in your situation, I'd ring up your dad (only if you feel comfortable doing so), thank him for being honest (because hey, that takes guts to admit something like this) and get some more information. Eg, was it as a PP said, where your dad has suddenly noticed your DD's development, then quickly pulled himself up on it, or if there are deeper issues at play, like your dad having intrusive thoughts about sexual offending / being tempted to act on those thoughts. Sorry to mention this, but he may have been a victim of sexual abuse himself.

Regardless, your children's safety is your top priority and things will be awkward anyway, so I wouldn't have your children stay with him in the coming days. I also think it would be beneficial for your dad to see a counsellor ASAP to talk things through and for you to see a counsellor as well.

All the best for you at this very difficult time.

EFS

Edited by Silverstreak, 30 December 2017 - 10:33 AM.


#19 Silverstreak

Posted 30 December 2017 - 10:32 AM

Also, maybe ask one of the mods to move this thread to the relationships section, so that you can have more privacy.

#20 Bono25

Posted 30 December 2017 - 10:35 AM

If you have any doubts at all that it may not have been him who sent the emails, I think you need to either actually talk to him by phone or sit down in front of him to work out exactly what he thinks happen.

There's no point jumping to conclusions until you have all the facts

#21 Hey what.@

Posted 30 December 2017 - 10:41 AM

I'm so sorry. It does sound like it may be a cry for help. I'm glad your DD seems unaware.

I wouldn't feel comfortable going through with the visit/sleepover.

I'm not sure what else to say sorry xo

#22 Yetski

Posted 30 December 2017 - 10:45 AM

https://www.intrusiv...d-pedophile-ocd

#23 BadCat

Posted 30 December 2017 - 11:00 AM

View PostMooples, on 30 December 2017 - 10:06 AM, said:

I’m in no way defending your dad and I can understand how shocked and upset you must be but I’m wondering if he could have looked at her and noticed her body may have changed / started to change with puberty and then felt ashamed he’s seen his grand daughter as developing into a woman and now feels terrible about it.

This was my first thought too.  

You need to speak to your father and find out what actually happened before you do anything else at all.

I'm not saying not to go cautiously, but I'd not be reading anything into this without gathering the facts.  It would be terrible to lose the relationship with your father over something that is really nothing when it comes down to it.


Note:  Please don't misinterpret this as excusing inappropriate behaviour.  All I'm doing is suggesting finding out whether it was truly inappropriate in the first place and to what degree.

#24 jayskette

Posted 30 December 2017 - 11:05 AM

actual pedophiles dont tell anyone they just do it. your dad is not the first nor the last dad to realise a girl is developing. id just leave it and monitor the situation.

#25 Staying Strange

Posted 30 December 2017 - 11:43 AM

Im sorry youre gling through this luckyducky.

I would talk to your Dad and ask him what happened. What he thought etc so you can understand and have context around what happened.

Then you can speak to your daughter. It seems that she doesn't realised what happened so that's a good sign - both for her and your Dad (that he had the self awareness quickly enough to realise what he thought/did was wrong and change it)

You can also call the state child protection body in your state and ask advice. In NSW it's FaCS you can ask the caseworkers for advice on how to ask questions etc. You can remain annonomus if you like so there won t be any formal repercussions, but they can provide advice and probably even local services to assist you.

From what  you've said it's not actually clear if "he offended her" she could/did took offense to something he did/said/thought or if his behaviour was "offending behaviour" - as in illegal.

Talk to him. Find out what it. Then talk to your DD. Then make a decision about going away.

It can be really scary when someone discloses to us. Esp when it's family.




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