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House guests after birth


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#1 mcejuan

Posted 20 December 2017 - 09:14 AM

I’m a STM due in April. Had first DS in November 2016.

The husband and I are really clashing on the issue of having his sisters staying with us after the baby is born. The first time they were staying with us the day after I got home and it was incredibly stressful. I’m a bit of an introvert at the best of times so even though they said they would help, I just felt I needed space. Of course they didn’t really do much, they cooked some pasta and then took it outside to eat and drank the rest of the night while I stayed inside with the baby and helped myself to dinner.
Hubby didn’t even do much because he was obviously “entertaining”. He even left for 2-3 days at the 2 week mark because his dad wanted to go drive to a town  5 hours away and they had to take our family car. If I pipe up, I’m this horrible nag. But what guest expects to be driven around to local attractions by a new parent when they come to visit?! I’m more annoyed that hubby did it obviously because he thought he would offend otherwise. And then lashes out at me if I speak up.

This time we live in a new house and there’s no spare bedroom (yay!) so i said to him if they want to visit, of course that’s ok but they may need to book a hotel. Which is even better for me because then they can actually leave my house after a visit (hopefully). But he’s struggling with the thought of this because we can’t host them and they will have to pay for accommodation. And then makes out like I’m this rude person. I don’t know how long they think they want to stay for but if cost is an issue my guess is that it’s longer than a few days.

When we got married they were a bit out of sorts because they couldn’t stay at our house as the bridesmaids and I were getting ready there. So even when it’s a purely logistical issue they get weird about it. They would bring swags and sleep in the kitchen and be ok with it.

I’m feeling very alone in this as he thinks I’m being rude about his family when I’m not. Those first few days after the traumatic birth of DS were horrible and we were just fighting and so mean to each other, I’m worried it’s going to happen again. He just won’t hear me out. I don’t know how to get through to him.

#2 redchick

Posted 20 December 2017 - 09:29 AM

I absolutely totally agree with you about no house guests when you have a brand new bub. I could think of few things worse!

It sounds like this is a long term ongoing issue though so I’m not sure how you can get through to your DH. There are deep held family habits and expectations on his side that he can’t look past.

Would you consider a counsellor to help you both come up with a solution? While the current issue is around the birth of your second child it sounds like this issue is going to keep coming up so better to come up with a mutual approach now.

It’s so hard trying to reconcile different family expectations- DH and I haven’t had anything as stressful as you but it is still amazing how many times it pops up.

All the best

RC

#3 MooGuru

Posted 20 December 2017 - 09:31 AM

Can you suggest that you and baby stay in a hotel for a few days post birth if they are staying at your place and your DH is fully responsible for your toddler?

Sorry for your situation. Your DH is being unreasonable.

Eta second the counselling and everything else RC said

Edited by MooGuru, 20 December 2017 - 09:33 AM.


#4 mcejuan

Posted 20 December 2017 - 09:35 AM

Would you consider a counsellor to help you both come up with a solution? While the current issue is around the birth of your second child it sounds like this issue is going to keep coming up so better to come up with a mutual approach now.


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Absolutely I would but he doesn’t like counsellors :(

#5 Wango

Posted 20 December 2017 - 09:37 AM

OMG I think we are the same person or at least have the same DP!    I had my DS in mid Nov 2016 after going into labour at my baby shower.   All mine and DP’s family lives regionally (at least 5 hours away).  

I was in hospital for 7 days but those that had left actually turned around and came back later in the week!!!!

I must confess that upon getting home from hospital I handed DS over to MIL and went for a drive only own (no CS) to cool down after I saw all the people staying at my house!!   They all then descended again 6 weeks alter for Xmas at our place after I had said that I only wanted a quiet Xmas!   Dp’s sister even turned up to stay with a horrendous cough - I was absolutely livid!!!    

We had DS’ first birthday recently and I dropped hints that they book accommodation and they did - it was bliss!

So you’re definitely not rude - i’ve put DP on notice that if we have another one, things are going to be VERY different!!!!!!!

#6 mcejuan

Posted 20 December 2017 - 09:44 AM

Oh my gosh 😩 there’s been many solo car trips so that makes me feel a bit less crazy. Why do they do this?? I’m glad they took the hints though. I’ve already started hinting the same because we just DONT HAVE SPACE and his dad is already suggesting he camp out in our shed for a month. A MONTH. Thinking about it already makes me upset. It’s just too much. I need my hubby with me and our children not entertaining family members.
If they really felt they wanted to be here they could at least help, it’s not a party. That night they sat out on our veranda for a drinking session, I just couldn’t believe it. And one of the sisters took up smoking apparently which I was so livid about. To be in the same house as a newborn intending to smoke inside or outside is not acceptable to me. Am I being unreasonable? During this whole horrible time I was made to feel like I was horrible and rude for not being more accommodating to them.

#7 mcejuan

Posted 20 December 2017 - 09:48 AM

I feel like it’s more a money thing. That it’s so rude they not be able to stay here for free. If you can’t afford to come then don’t come! Or come a few days! They only live a few hours away. I know it’s a family/cultural thing and I get it, I’m Italian, but if a new Mum wants space or says there is no spare room at home then it wouldn’t be forced upon her.

#8 22Fruitmincepies

Posted 20 December 2017 - 10:03 AM

Make up a list of rules for house guests visiting a house with a new baby, include all sorts of stuff like “house guests are there to make life easy for the new mum, they should do all the housework, make no noise and always bring a large chocolate cake with them” then make it up to look like one of those things you see on Facebook. Put it on Facebook, tag the sisters and say “this is why we love you!”  

No seriously I can’t imagine anything worse than having house guests just then (I’ve just had my second). Do you know someone your DH really listens to? Get them to tell him it’s a bad idea?

#9 FeelingcLucky

Posted 20 December 2017 - 10:35 AM

I'm so sorry you are going through this, it's incredibly selfish of him to be more concerned on house guests then his own wife's comfort after birth.

I would be really firm and really honest - I would point out exactly how you felt last time, and make it clear you do not want house guests directly after the birth of your child.

This time is about YOUR comfort as a mother recovering from birth, it's about your new child settling into life on the outside world, it's about your oldest child adjusting to the new family member, and it's about you all connecting with each other as a family. It's really such an incredibly selfish thing to force a new mum into, you must be really hurt and stressed from it.

#10 born.a.girl

Posted 20 December 2017 - 10:53 AM

Good grief, how stressful, I'm sure I'd have lost the plot and exploded (verbally).


I'm so sorry your partner is not seeing things the same way as you.

I know it IS difficult for people when they've come from a different background, and a concept of 'well if a sleeping bag can fit on the floor, we've got room for visitors' mindset,  but he's chosen you as his life partner, and your wants and needs trump what he'd like to do for his family.

I generally also think people reluctant to go to counselling are like that because they know they're out of line and someone who's not on either side will make that clear to them.

#11 ~LemonMyrtle~

Posted 20 December 2017 - 10:54 AM

Hell no to the house guests!

If I were you I'd just say no, put my foot down and deal with the hubby tantrum later. I'd even go behind hubby's back and say directly to the relatives that you don't have room for any visitors and would prefer some space for the first three months. Then I'd hide all the spare house keys, and even accidentally lose hubby's car keys. And if they still arrived I'd just book the cheapest hotel I could find, hand them the keys and say 'this is where you can stay, I've paid for 2 nights, then it's up to you to pay for any extra time'

I know my hubby though, and he would eventually forgive and forget, and it would be worth the short term fights about it to have my space with a new born!

Two kids is hard, set boundaries now.

#12 BeAwesome

Posted 20 December 2017 - 11:17 AM

I don't like house guests at any time, let alone after a baby.

#13 Glittery Fairy

Posted 20 December 2017 - 11:32 AM

Id book me and the baby into a hotel. Stuff the rest of them. They are all incredibly rude including your husband. If he were my husband he could temper tantrum all he likes, id be putting my foot down.

#14 Ozquoll

Posted 20 December 2017 - 12:25 PM

Your husband is being a prat. Who is more important to him - his family of origin, or his pregnant wife and (soon-to-be) two children? His sisters are being rude and selfish by insisting they must stay at your house, but I presume they are single and childless and have NO clue how much work a newborn baby is. Your husband has no such excuse.
PPs suggestion of counselling is good, if you can get him to go.
You must be firm with your husband and consistently give the message that you need space and quiet after the birth of the baby, and that having any overnight visitors is unacceptable. I’d also add that you shouldn’t let him get away with saying you are mean or unreasonable for not wanting houseguests.

#15 Lesley225

Posted 20 December 2017 - 12:54 PM

It's the sisters being mean and unreasonable wanting to stay.  I don't have kids and it's obvious to me!

#16 mcejuan

Posted 20 December 2017 - 01:05 PM

Thanks everyone for helping me justify my feelings. I’ve already tried the whole putting my foot down thing but he’s not happy about it so as it gets closer I expect it to come up again, so at least I’m prepared with your suggestions. I like the idea of telling them I’ve booked them a hotel ahead of time so they might get the hint then? Well that or I’m stuck paying for it but at least it’s there. Although I’m expecting they will still be at my house most of the time.

Yes they don’t have kids! But they have close friends who do and those friends are very much the kind who have everyone around all the time and that’s great for them but not for me! That’s obviously not helping my image...

I just can’t go through that all again after last time. I was ready to leave him he was so horrid toward me about it. I’m considering even having my midwife or OB casually bring the subject up with him somehow and stress the importance of those first few weeks at home.

#17 paddington_

Posted 20 December 2017 - 01:13 PM

Why do they need to visit as soon as the baby is born?
I'd just say no.  You can visit after a few weeks.

#18 mcejuan

Posted 20 December 2017 - 01:22 PM

 paddington_, on 20 December 2017 - 01:13 PM, said:

Why do they need to visit as soon as the baby is born?
I'd just say no.  You can visit after a few weeks.

Haha EXACTLY! This is what they are like. I was induced the first time round and he told them the night before I went in and they were having trouble staying away and not coming right then!
Hoping this time the excitement wears off a bit and they don’t rush in, as bad as that sounds. If I have to get induced for some reason I will not be telling a soul to buy some time!

#19 Lesley225

Posted 20 December 2017 - 01:24 PM

I think you need to wait at least 6 weeks for more than a quick, few/couple of hours visit unless specifically invited.

#20 mcejuan

Posted 20 December 2017 - 01:35 PM

 Lesley225, on 20 December 2017 - 01:24 PM, said:

I think you need to wait at least 6 weeks for more than a quick, few/couple of hours visit unless specifically invited.

Totally agree. I try to understand their differing beliefs, but throughout the first birth it was me having to work in with everyone else and being a FTM I didn’t feel strong enough to speak up without seeming rude.

#21 Ellie bean

Posted 20 December 2017 - 01:38 PM

"Honey, next time you push a baby out your vagina/ have one extracted from your uterus YOU can pick the houseguests." Thats what Id be saying!

Edited by Ellie bean, 20 December 2017 - 01:45 PM.


#22 born.a.girl

Posted 20 December 2017 - 01:48 PM

OP I do get that men (and women who haven't birthed) perhaps find it harder to understand what it feels like.  That;s why you go by what they say about what they'd want, rather than tell them what's o.k. for them.

I have dozens of nieces and nephews, and it was only after I had my own that I realised when you know you have a visitor coming you revolve the day around it, so that it looks a lot easier than it is - and I'm only talking about a brief visit.

I think you have to be adamant that it's counselling to work out a fair compromise (which he doesn't want because he thinks he's being fair, the dill), or you get your way.

As per Ellie Bean, he gets the main say when he's done it.


Good luck. Your feelings are well and truly justified.

#23 nup

Posted 20 December 2017 - 01:59 PM

We had a rule that guests were welcome to stay in our home until I arrived home and they had to do a departure clean and prep a meal as thanks. DH had to tell them. He hates being assertive with his family but once it was made clear it was straightforward. But I stayed in hospital longer due to CS.

It suited us as they could all meet bubs during visiting hours then out of my hair and not expecting to be looked after.

#24 mcejuan

Posted 20 December 2017 - 03:03 PM

 born.a.girl, on 20 December 2017 - 01:48 PM, said:

OP I do get that men (and women who haven't birthed) perhaps find it harder to understand what it feels like.  That;s why you go by what they say about what they'd want, rather than tell them what's o.k. for them.

I have dozens of nieces and nephews, and it was only after I had my own that I realised when you know you have a visitor coming you revolve the day around it, so that it looks a lot easier than it is - and I'm only talking about a brief visit.


I totally agree, I am an Aunty myself but When parents are saying something specifically you usually listen up regardless of their reasons behind it. It’s like my SIL asked us to not give my nephews lemonade anymore because they were too hypo for her when she takes them home. Understandable! And no offence taken. Obviously they haven’t experienced someone else asking for privacy. I just wish they were more accepting of it so it didn’t seem like such an issue to DH

#25 mcejuan

Posted 20 December 2017 - 03:06 PM

 nup, on 20 December 2017 - 01:59 PM, said:

We had a rule that guests were welcome to stay in our home until I arrived home and they had to do a departure clean and prep a meal as thanks. DH had to tell them. He hates being assertive with his family but once it was made clear it was straightforward. But I stayed in hospital longer due to CS.

It suited us as they could all meet bubs during visiting hours then out of my hair and not expecting to be looked after.

That’s a great system and it’s even better they followed through with those expectations. When I had DS they insisted they would be there to help us, but cooking dinner and drinking outside and taking up much needed space and being there before my milk even came in... NOT helping.



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