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#1 Coeur de Lion

Posted 14 October 2017 - 05:59 PM

I really need some help to manage my response to my DD2's behaviour. I have posted several times over the last year about her so I'm not looking for opinions on what is wrong with her but it's suffice to say she is an extreme crier. If I'm not sitting on the couch with her physically attached to me, she is hysterical.

It's doing my head in. I honestly don't know how much more I can take.

I'm finding myself yelling at her and her sister. A lot. And very loudly. DD1 is like any other normal 2 year old - challenging but normal.

DH works away lot and there's no family here. They are in daycare 2 days a week. I work odd hours (I teach yoga - still on mat leave from my 'real' job).

At the moment, I put ear plugs or headphones on when it gets really bad. I've also decided from today I'm going to stop sitting with them when they eat. This is one of the only times they are quiet-ish so I'm going to do the housework I can't do when DD2 is not contained by her highchair. Tonight I put her screaming in to her sister's for while I did some things for dinner,but I'm not sure that's a good strategy for every day (she clings to my legs in the kitchen).

Does anyone have any other suggestions for me? I'm desperate

#2 SuperMombie3

Posted 14 October 2017 - 06:30 PM

How old is she?  Doesn't get you a break but I know a couple of mums who do housework with bub in the carrier when they're super clingy.  

Will she watch TV?  If you haven't tried you could pop her in the high chair in front of something like peppa pig or teletubbies.  Got me through witching hour with DS2 who was always clingy and crying at the worst time of day, when dinner had to happen.  
Or if food works and shes old enough, snacky stuff, something like sultanas, if she's up to eating something small or a rusk in the highchair while you do something nearby?  This worked well with DD, I'd give her a few to snack on while I got dinner going.  Little foods that are hard to pick up can keep them occupied for a while.  

My other go to for DS1 & 2 when they were little was our big baby swing, they never seemed to like the little one. That rocking or the little swing stationary in front of the TV.  

Ds2 is mostly happy being nearby now if he's in his jumper with enough toys around.  

Sorry not sure what age she is for age appropriate recommendations.  Mostly it's trial and error to find something that helps distract, though Peppa pig has been a hit with all of mine at some stage.

#3 SuperMombie3

Posted 14 October 2017 - 06:31 PM

Could you afford more daycare? Would that be an option?  It would give you a break plus a chance to tackle chores alone.

#4 Coeur de Lion

Posted 14 October 2017 - 06:33 PM

Thank you SM3. There are some good suggestions there. She just turned 1 last week.

#5 SuperMombie3

Posted 14 October 2017 - 06:52 PM

Probably too big for swings and carriers then unless you're a lot fitter than me.

But might be willing to sit in front of abc kids especially if trapped in her high chair.  Or snacky stuff. Grapes (cut in half lengthwise for safety) were also a hit with DD at that age, though not as hard to pick up and eat as sultanas.  Isn't it bad, 3 kids in and I can't remember what age I gave them sultanas 😂.

If she likes being active or being bounced you could try something like a jolly jumper too, can usually get them second hand.   Ds1 loved his at that age.  Ds2 isn't up to it yet he's got one of the play center type jumpers.  

My first was a hard baby, she cried amd screamed so much, though mostly at night.  She was ok till 6ish in the evening then out came the gremlin baby.  In arms, out of arms she just screamed and cried for hours.  It was horrific and heatbreaking and so so draining. I hope you find something that helps soon.

#6 Coeur de Lion

Posted 14 October 2017 - 07:11 PM

Thanks - I really appreciate that. I know intellectually that it will end, but I just can't feel it at the moment. It's good to hear you went on to have 2 more!

#7 Future-self

Posted 14 October 2017 - 07:24 PM

It is incredibly taxing - physically as well as emotionally and mentally having a child like this. I know, and people really can't understand unless they've had one like it.

DD is nearly 2.5 and things have improved GREATLY in the last for months for us. So there's hope. She killed the small chance of us having number 3 though, I'll be honest. Her emotional neediness was just too much. Is still too much.

I did carry her still in the carrier at aged 1. Back carry when we were out and about was acceptable to her but it had to be front carry if we were at home. I could at least walk around and do some washing or kick a  ball with DS or make some food.

I put her in daycare for an extra day when things were really bad. I was at home with DS. Part of hat I struggle with is the attention that I can't give DS because of DD. By removing that pressure things really improved because he was happier, I was happier.

DD also really loves the bath. Loves playing in there. So I'd put her in the bath multiple times a day if that's what it took Fold clothes, send emails, read a book, just enjoy not having her bloody on me. Is that something that may work?

#8 mandala

Posted 14 October 2017 - 07:37 PM

I can't remember if you've had ears checked. That kind of intense, emotional clinginess, mostly directed at me, only comes out when DS2 has blocked ears. He doesn't have a temp, and often his hears look okay, but the hearing test shows that he can barely hear.

Anyhow, what helped me with DS1 was thinking that whatever the behaviour was like now, it wouldn't be the same as an adult, and could actually be an advantage. Won't do as he's told? Will stand up to peer pressure. Yells all the time? Good at communicating his needs. Sometimes it was a biiiig stretch to turn it into a positive, but it helped give me some perspective on the long game.

With DS2, I think about how much harder it is for him than it is for me. I just have to listen to the whinging, he has to put up with not being able to hear and the confusion that that must cause. It helps make it easier to respond kindly when he's a whinging, screaming limpet.

Also, more help. More breaks. Fresh air and sunshine. Dinner in the park where the yelling doesn't seem as loud, and where you can't do any of the jobs that you can't get to at home, and where you can't see the mess either.

Edit: Oh, yes, the bath! DS1 used to have multiple baths per day. My nephew used to eat dinner in the bath half the time. The sensory play can really settle some kids.

Edited by mandala, 14 October 2017 - 07:38 PM.


#9 blimkybill

Posted 14 October 2017 - 07:42 PM

Carrying her on your back in a back pack may allow you to get some chores done.
Can you put a baby gate between the kitchen and adjacent living area? If so you could put her down on the other side of the gate, with a few toys to explore, and just leave her there for short periods. She may cry but if you do it for short periods, make reassuring noises when she is on the ground, always pick her up after a little while (try to pick her up when she is a bit quieter rather than particularly distressed). This might desensitise her gradually to spending time on the ground.

What happens at daycare? Does she cry less there? Is she able to play and move around without being held there?

#10 Fresh Start

Posted 14 October 2017 - 07:53 PM

View Postmandala, on 14 October 2017 - 07:37 PM, said:

Anyhow, what helped me with DS1 was thinking that whatever the behaviour was like now, it wouldn't be the same as an adult, and could actually be an advantage. Won't do as he's told? Will stand up to peer pressure. Yells all the time? Good at communicating his needs. Sometimes it was a biiiig stretch to turn it into a positive, but it helped give me some perspective on the long game.k

This helped me with DS. I often find myself admiring his determination (that’s what I call it with hindsight, in the moment it is stubborn, pigheaded etc). After dealing with some bad behaviour toward my dad recently I secretly wanted to high five him for his refusal to consider an apology to Pop.

Edited by Fresh Start, 14 October 2017 - 07:54 PM.


#11 José

Posted 14 October 2017 - 07:54 PM

Agree with the bath!
Also my DS was much happier out and about. It was tiresome but even taking him to the local shopping centre helped.

Also i came across a short article on FB just now. If you google 'how to bounce back from angry outbursts' it will come uo.
Be kind to yourself

#12 HolierThanCow

Posted 14 October 2017 - 07:58 PM

My niece was like this. I know my SIL had real problems with the separation anxiety just getting her to stay in occasional care and had to stop it, so that's great she is happy to go to daycare. It sounds harsh but could you just put her in daycare one extra day if money is an issue (or availability)?

I'm sorry that I don't have any strategies to offer. I think my SIL and brother just waited it out. It improved gradually over the second year and she was much better from age two. I babysat her once and she basically cried solidly by the front door until her mother came back. For 45min. At 11 months old.

When her speech developed there was a marked change and they think in hindsight she might have felt that her mother was the only person who understood what she wanted (not always the case from my SIL's POV!) because she couldn't express it. She was a late-ish talker and they even tried teaching her some sign language (there was never anything wrong with her hearing). That helped too, I think.

#13 Coeur de Lion

Posted 15 October 2017 - 05:20 AM

View PostFuture-self, on 14 October 2017 - 07:24 PM, said:

It is incredibly taxing - physically as well as emotionally and mentally having a child like this. I know, and people really can't understand unless they've had one like it.

DD is nearly 2.5 and things have improved GREATLY in the last for months for us. So there's hope. She killed the small chance of us having number 3 though, I'll be honest. Her emotional neediness was just too much. Is still too much.

I did carry her still in the carrier at aged 1. Back carry when we were out and about was acceptable to her but it had to be front carry if we were at home. I could at least walk around and do some washing or kick a  ball with DS or make some food.

I put her in daycare for an extra day when things were really bad. I was at home with DS. Part of hat I struggle with is the attention that I can't give DS because of DD. By removing that pressure things really improved because he was happier, I was happier.

DD also really loves the bath. Loves playing in there. So I'd put her in the bath multiple times a day if that's what it took Fold clothes, send emails, read a book, just enjoy not having her bloody on me. Is that something that may work?

I hear you. People just don't get it unless they've had one, I think. Even my DH doesn't really get it. I'm going away for a weekend in December so hopefully he'll get a glimpse then.

I hate how her behaviour also makes me respond to DD1 in a way that I don't want to. Poor DD1. I need to work out how I can have some consistent time alone with her I think.

Also - she hates the bath! I wish I never had to bathe her. I have to lean over the edge of the bath cuddling her while she stands there, gripping my clothes and screaming at me.

#14 Coeur de Lion

Posted 15 October 2017 - 05:52 AM

View Postmandala, on 14 October 2017 - 07:37 PM, said:

I can't remember if you've had ears checked. That kind of intense, emotional clinginess, mostly directed at me, only comes out when DS2 has blocked ears. He doesn't have a temp, and often his hears look okay, but the hearing test shows that he can barely hear.

Anyhow, what helped me with DS1 was thinking that whatever the behaviour was like now, it wouldn't be the same as an adult, and could actually be an advantage. Won't do as he's told? Will stand up to peer pressure. Yells all the time? Good at communicating his needs. Sometimes it was a biiiig stretch to turn it into a positive, but it helped give me some perspective on the long game.

With DS2, I think about how much harder it is for him than it is for me. I just have to listen to the whinging, he has to put up with not being able to hear and the confusion that that must cause. It helps make it easier to respond kindly when he's a whinging, screaming limpet.

Also, more help. More breaks. Fresh air and sunshine. Dinner in the park where the yelling doesn't seem as loud, and where you can't do any of the jobs that you can't get to at home, and where you can't see the mess either.

Edit: Oh, yes, the bath! DS1 used to have multiple baths per day. My nephew used to eat dinner in the bath half the time. The sensory play can really settle some kids.

I hadn't heard about the ears. We are seeing the gp next week so I'll bring it up then.

The only positive I can glean at the moment is that despite my yelling, weeping, ignoring etc she still is like this, so I'm hoping she's going to be good at communicating her needs as she gets older ☺️

#15 Jenflea

Posted 15 October 2017 - 11:04 AM

Will she tolerate a shower instead of the bath?

#16 lizzzard

Posted 15 October 2017 - 12:02 PM

Honestly, please don't use the one time she is quiet to do housework! Sit down and have some quiet time for yourself with a cuppa, a trashy magazine or a book, whatever your chill-out go-to is. DD1 was a Velcro baby....but at 10 now, she is such a securely attached and independent girl. My personal strategies were babywearing till at least 2yrs old, getting out of the house every day, giving myself permission to tune out the crying if I knew she was ok and/ put in earphones, and a standing date night every week- just 2 hours on a Friday night, but it really helped give me something to look forward to!

Good luck. Its bloody hard work - but you will get to the end at some point!

#17 Ellie bean

Posted 15 October 2017 - 09:19 PM

View PostCoeur de Lion, on 15 October 2017 - 05:20 AM, said:



I hear you. People just don't get it unless they've had one, I think. Even my DH doesn't really get it. I'm going away for a weekend in December so hopefully he'll get a glimpse then.

I hate how her behaviour also makes me respond to DD1 in a way that I don't want to. Poor DD1. I need to work out how I can have some consistent time alone with her I think.

Also - she hates the bath! I wish I never had to bathe her. I have to lean over the edge of the bath cuddling her while she stands there, gripping my clothes and screaming at me.
Futureself is so right, if you haven't had a super intense baby like this I think it's impossible to get it, you love them so much but it's still a freaking nightmare. I know a lot of people didn't take it literally when I said I could never ever put her down but it was true. I was silly enough to get pregnant again with a 12 month gap so yeah I was a mess.  Allowing yourself to believe it is really hard is helpful I think- you're not yelling because you're not as patient as the other mums, anyone would start yelling in that situation. I used to wear earplugs too, I trialled antidepressants but they kept me awake ironically so that didn't work for me. I probably would do the cleaning while she's happy, I like getting stuff done and I just hated not being able to do stuff. Can you put her in daycare another day/ half day even and have time with your dd1? I hear you on the bath too, dd hated it, DH videoed her first bath and she screamed right through it, that should have been a clue lol. I actually only used to bath her every 2-3 days because it was such a fight.
It will get better- for us the first year was the worst, second still bad, third was better, 4 was good and while she's still incredibly strong willed, at 5 she really is a delight (90%!of the time!) and I love watching the bond between her and our youngest. She is incredibly smart,curious, sweet, stubborn, brave and fearless. I'm starting to feel like myself again too. I think this is the worst bit you are in right now and you will get throught it.
One last thing- this sounds silly but when I wsnted to yell I used to try and take a breath and whisper instead. Seemed to be just as effective too.

#18 Ellie bean

Posted 15 October 2017 - 09:21 PM

Also- wireless headphones for the tv. If youre stuck holding a child or just enduring screaming it can be easier to take if you're listening to Netflix at the same time.




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