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Unplanned 4th pregnancy and not sure we can continue

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#1 Ginny13

Posted 16 January 2017 - 04:19 PM

Hello all
I apologise if this is in the wrong spot and also please no judgement 😊
I have just found out I am nearly 5 weeks. I have 3 children already eldest is 12 and will be 41 in may. It has come as surprise and I am devastated as I don't think it's right for us to bring another child into our family for 101 reasons.  But I am struggling immensely with the alternate option as I don't know that I could do that either. I'm not sure what I'm asking but I was hoping to hear others stories either way. I have an appointment with my ob/gyn tomorrow to scan and discuss a termination but something  feels wrong about that. I think that's because I've never been in this situation before and I feel awful and not sure if I would ever be able to get past it. Maybe I will? Anyway thank you for listening. 😔

Edited by Ginny13, 16 January 2017 - 04:21 PM.

#2 my*xmas*kiddies

Posted 16 January 2017 - 04:25 PM

Im sorry youre in this postion OP. And I have no advice.

Have you told your partner? Whats his thoughts?

#3 Ginny13

Posted 16 January 2017 - 04:33 PM

Hello thank you 😞 Yes my husband and I both know that it would be a huge strain to continue yet he has said whatever I decide he will be 100% behind. He needs me to be emotionally and physically well first. He's very considerate and loving and just wants me to be happy. We've just got our last daughter out of night nappies, got rid of the pram Etc and then this. It's crazy. Thinking about either option fills me with dread and anxiety. But I think deep down we need to focus on our 3 and our marriage and I will have to find a way to come to peace and be forever sorry to this little bean 😔

#4 amaza

Posted 16 January 2017 - 04:47 PM

I had the same reaction when I had an unplanned 4th pregnancy. It was such a difficult time. We also had 100 reasons not to continue with the pregnancy and agonised over our decision. There were lots of tears and discussion and in the end we decided to keep our baby.

The decision you make can only be yours but I just want to let you know that you aren't alone and I'll be thinking of you with no judgement as you make it.

#5 just roses

Posted 16 January 2017 - 04:50 PM

Such a hard one, and it sounds like there are no good options.

I have several friends who have had surprise babies in similar circumstances and it's all worked out well for them. But maybe I've also known people who chose the other option and I've only heard about the happy endings? Who knows.

I think counselling - with or without your husband - is a good option whichever way you go. Surprise babies put pressure on a marriage. So do terminations when you're torn.

Go gently.

#6 Ginny13

Posted 16 January 2017 - 04:55 PM

Roses99 thank you. You are right. Both options are difficult in their own ways. We are actually starting marriage counselling coincidentally this week. I just can't imagine either decision. Thanks for responding x

#7 .Jerry.

Posted 16 January 2017 - 05:05 PM

Whilst you often hear the happy stories about those who keep their "surprise" babies, know that there are also happy stories about people who chose not to continue pregnancies in this situation too.
And those families can go on to be glad they made the decision they did and have strong happy families in the future. I personally know two people who were in this situation.

#8 Ginny13

Posted 16 January 2017 - 05:11 PM

Amaza how are going now? How old are your children?

#9 Ginny13

Posted 16 January 2017 - 05:13 PM

.jerry. It's such a forbidden topic. You can't sit around chatting about this stuff can you so you end up feeling like the only person you can talk to is anonymous friends on the net. Thank you 😊

#10 Soontobegran

Posted 16 January 2017 - 05:15 PM

Sorry you are in this position. We had a surprise 5th, I do understand what will be going on in your head and your heart right now.

Jerry is right.....many people come to terms with a termination and many come to terms with going ahead with the unplanned pregnancy. Neither is perfect but it is a matter of getting to the point of choosing what you believe to be best for you and being confident it is the right decision.

We formed a list of Pros and Cons and went with the one which had the most listed and it was the Pros that won here.

Wishing you every good luck.

#11 Veritas Vinum Arte

Posted 16 January 2017 - 05:17 PM

PP suggestion of counselling is a good one.

I am similar age with kids 7,9,11. The thought of another child would have me rocking back and forth in the corner comatose.

I know for 101 reasons that baby #4 would not work (including my physical health and mental health - told by my OB not to have any more due to dangerous 3rd PG) and although I have always been of the thought that I could not have a termination, I have come to the realisation that if I somehow happen to be in your position that for me it will be the only answer.

DH has had the snip, I was also on Implanom for medical reasons other than contraception, but now with that out recently the possibility of the vascetomy not working is a real nightmare for me. I know the decision that would have to be made, but logically I would hate to be in that decision making place.

Best of luck with whatever you choose to do.

#12 Ginny13

Posted 16 January 2017 - 05:24 PM

Veritas you could be me I could be you. I have the same history with pnd and similar aged children. Thanks for your post. I also thought before this happened no way I could have another baby but now I'm in this spot I am stuck. I think until I see my ob/gyn tomorrow I will continue to toss this around non stop. It's just awful and I feel terrible we have made this bed for ourselves. Thanks for your reply x

#13 AdelTwins

Posted 16 January 2017 - 05:26 PM

You also have the option to adopt out. You can tell others you are a gestational carrier if that makes it easier to explain.

Although you are not in a position to give this child what they need, there are plenty of empty homes wishing for a child.

Obviously this would be incredibly hard, but it also means that you may get to have a relationship with this child in the future.

#14 livvie7586

Posted 16 January 2017 - 05:40 PM

I don't belong here, however we found ourselves in this position just over 3 years ago.  I found out i was pregnant the day dh went in for the snip.

I represent the other option.  I had a surgical termination at 9ish weeks pregnant (i never worked out a due date, and the only scan i had was at the clinic, and i neither saw nor heard anything.  It was referenced as a 9-10 week pregnancy).  We had a long list of reasons not to continue the pregnancy, my health being the top one.  However we never really contemplated the other option.

I don't regret the decision, dh does, to a point, but not enough to wish we hadn't.  And it was the best choice for us.

A decent clinic will offer counselling if they feel it's warranted,  and they won't do it unless you're sure about going through with it.  We also had a counselling session before i went in, which just strengthened our resolve.

It's a decision only you can make, but know plenty of women terminate pregnancies and don't regret it, and there are also those out there who do regret children they have.  But you need to make the right decision for you and your family.

#15 Ginny13

Posted 16 January 2017 - 05:48 PM

Livvie thanks for your reply. I really appreciate it.
The right decision will present itself I hope ...... I hope!

#16 magnanimous

Posted 16 January 2017 - 05:56 PM

No judgement at all. Sometimes though there is no 'right' decision - there is only the best choice for you out of what are pretty crap alternatives. Wishing you all the best for working out what to do.

#17 amaza

Posted 16 January 2017 - 06:13 PM

 Ginny13, on 16 January 2017 - 05:11 PM, said:

Amaza how are going now? How old are your children?

We are good thank you.

My oldest is about to turn 11 and the baby is 8 months. We are doing well though. We did a list of pro's and con's to work out what we were going to do. The con's were quite large tbh but we have become creative and worked with what we had to make it a workable situation. We now can't imagine making any other decision but I'm sure there are plenty of other people who have chosen to terminate who think that they can't imagine making any other decision also.

#18 StartledFlamingo

Posted 16 January 2017 - 06:14 PM

We had a surprise 3rd pregnancy in December. I had a termination.

It's early days I suppose but I have no regrets. In some ways it was the ultimately selfish decision - I had two pretty easy pregnancies and births and we have a stable family life and the financial ability to have a third. However what I don't have was the emotional ability.

If we couldn't have had a termination we would have managed but I feel like I'm just getting a bit of my self and my life back as DD gets a bit older. And dealing with just the two stresses me out, I already feel like I just don't have enough attention for them. And I want an easier life.

Making the decision was hard. The few days before the termination I was quite upset. I felt most upset when I was filling in the forms at the clinic. The counseling offered there and then was perfunctory at best but I didn't want it anyway. Also fear of the actual procedure but that was absolutely fine.

I don't actually feel any negative emotion about it all. It's just an unfortunate incident that is over now.

#19 Ginny13

Posted 16 January 2017 - 06:52 PM

Yeahbutnah thanks for your candid reply 😊
I also feel with our current situation that what is bordering on unbearable now will push me over mentally. My Dh works 6 often 7 days and we are starting marriage therapy this week also. Life is just getting back on track now my youngest is almost 5. I feel I am
Confusing understandable sadness with this decision as definite regret when in fact it is most likely the best thing for our family and marriage to not proceed with the pregnancy. Does that make sense 😐
Thanks again for your honesty.

#20 Fizzwizz

Posted 16 January 2017 - 08:19 PM

I've been in your situation before with surprise third pregnancy when I had a 5 year old and 1 year old and was dealing with my father dying of cancer and caring for him. There was no way we could have coped we were already under tremendous stress. You need to make the right decision as to your overall well being as a family. I have no regrets as it was the right decision at the time. I don't tell others as it's such a taboo subject only Mum knows. However we have since had another child which may have prevented any regret... who knows. If you have such strong feelings it's probably for a reason. Thinking of you it's so tough.

#21 Mrs Claus

Posted 16 January 2017 - 08:40 PM

We had a surprise #4. My kids were 7,9 and almost 14 when he was born. We had a miscarriage 2 years earlier which also effected our decision. #4 has been a big change and not always easy but the joy he has brought to our family definitely out ways the negatives. Only you know what is right for your family. Good luck with your decision

#22 ~Bob~

Posted 16 January 2017 - 08:50 PM

I could have written this post a couple of months ago. 42 with a surprise 4th pregnancy. 5th child though, as I have twins.

We did a list of pros and cons of keeping it, and the cons far outweighed the pros. We got rid of all the baby stuff, I have a history of bad pnd, and we are really starting to get our lives back. The kids are older and they look after themselves. Life is so much easier now. I kept thinking over and over "there's no palatable way out of this situation."

I decided to do genetic testing, because I felt my decision would be easy if my baby wasn't healthy. A big part of me thought there would be something wrong because of my age. As soon as the tests came back clear, my decision became obvious...there's no way I could terminate. We had very long, blunt discussions about our options, but I just couldn't do it. Please don't mistake this for judgement, I am totally pro choice, I just learnt my limits in this situation and for me, I just didn't have enough reason to terminate.

I'm now 16 weeks and I am so in love with this baby. It's hard to believe the 180 we've both done on this issue. I won't lie, there are lots of things that aren't ideal, but we are embracing the situation as much as we can. I can't give you a 'happy ending' story, as the baby isn't here yet, but I'm hoping it will slot in smoothly to our family.

I hope you find an inner peace with your decision, whichever one you land on. Although it probably feels like there's no right answer, there's no wrong one either, just the best one for your family. Only you can know in your heart which decision that is.

#23 Lucrezia Bauble

Posted 16 January 2017 - 08:52 PM

I've had a termination. It's fine - all I felt was an overwhelming sense of relief. It's not awful at all. It's fine. We're so lucky we have access to this in this country.

#24 Nasteh Llamah

Posted 16 January 2017 - 09:01 PM

I had a surprise 3rd pregnancy when I was 35 and had only been dating the father for 3 months.  I'll be honest, I didn't really think about termination as an option, but that's purely me, and there is no judgement whatsoever in my post, I am 100% without reservation pro choice.

I ended up splitting up with the father when I was 12 weeks pregnant and have done every moment since as a sole parent.  Yes, I won't lie, it's been very hard at times, and has taken a toll on my already-fragile mental health, but for me, anyway, the benefits have definitely outweighed the costs.  I've found that I've coped with moments I never, ever thought I would cope with, and that they weren't even as scary as I thought they might be.

I wouldn't change my decision in a million years, and I say this just as a demonstration that it's not always as overwhelming as you think it may be.  That said, this is my story, my life, not yours, and you have to do what you think will be right for you.

I do know with absolute certainty, though, that if I had a pregnancy in the last 5 years (I'm 47 now), I would have terminated.  Not because it was a 4th, just purely for physical and mental health reasons and having to put the kids I already have first.  

I very highly doubt whether you will get a single judgey post on here, I think we all know what a difficult situation you're in and offer you nothing but support and understanding.

Go gently - you don't have to rush this decision.  Take your time, make use of all counselling services available and just be easy on yourself xxx

#25 Ginny13

Posted 17 January 2017 - 07:00 AM

Thank you for al your responses and taking the time to write. I appreciate it so much 😕

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