Jump to content

A difficult journey (faith section)


  • Please log in to reply
440 replies to this topic

#51 sunshine_days

Posted 15 November 2016 - 03:12 PM

The boys are at that age now where they will sit there and sulk at places where they don't want to be, Nate is the same in church (esp when we ask him sto stand when we are singing etc...) and the same if l say we have to go shopping.. they are great to sit there and moan, sigh complain or sore legs or anything else.. think its an age thing...

Happy birthday to lil miss.... Hope she has a great day and it s a stress free day for you....

Thinking of you and uplifting you in prayer/.

#52 The Little Engine

Posted 18 November 2016 - 10:09 PM

Why is it one can only be 'nice' if I do what he wants?  Trying to be strong and not give in - but everything is being threatened if I don't change my mind.   All I want is what is best for the kids now and in the future.  I have to take the hard road at times to ensure their safety - I just wish the road wasn't quite so hard...

Breathe in... breathe out...

#53 Gateaugirl

Posted 19 November 2016 - 05:39 AM

Are you documenting everything, OP?

#54 IamzFeralz

Posted 19 November 2016 - 06:04 AM

View PostThe Little Engine, on 18 November 2016 - 10:09 PM, said:

Why is it one can only be 'nice' if I do what he wants?  Trying to be strong and not give in - but everything is being threatened if I don't change my mind.   All I want is what is best for the kids now and in the future.  I have to take the hard road at times to ensure their safety - I just wish the road wasn't quite so hard...

Breathe in... breathe out...

He is nice to you when you do what he wants because he has got what he wants.  He also needs to give you a reward for giving in to him and that reward is temporary relief from the pressure and threats that he makes to you at other times.  It trains recipients of the behaviour over time to give in more without them really seeing what's going on and to give them false hope of change.  Looking back now, I can see that was the pattern in our relationship.

It is sadly a very strong feature of abusive relationships.

Are you still trying to reach a private settlement with him or is it now in the lawyer's hands?

You may find that in the long term this may have to go to court so that the judge can get a settlement for you and the kids.  Definitely document things in case you have to go down that path.

Its very, very hard but please protect and look after yourself as a high priority.  I found that my own stress level definitely affected the kids.  So when you look after yourself, you are protecting the kids indirectly too.

hugs.

Edited by IamzFeralz, 19 November 2016 - 08:08 AM.


#55 The Little Engine

Posted 19 November 2016 - 08:52 AM

Oh my goodness - Last night I saw some REALLY nasty behaviour where he essentially told me the only way I was going to get things from the house (Ie my Summer clothes, kids bikes and a few other essential items desperately needed) was to change the care percentage with child support so it keeps him apparently having them much more than he is.

This morning he has just arrived with the trailer on - with kids bikes, my cross trainer and a few other things.  It is at least a start

#56 IamzFeralz

Posted 19 November 2016 - 09:34 AM

That's great that you've got some stuff out even though it was an ordeal for you.  Time to book your first cross training session!

Exercise is a brilliant help for coping with stress.

#57 ELF_em_bee

Posted 19 November 2016 - 09:49 AM

View PostThe Little Engine, on 19 November 2016 - 08:52 AM, said:

Oh my goodness - Last night I saw some REALLY nasty behaviour where he essentially told me the only way I was going to get things from the house (Ie my Summer clothes, kids bikes and a few other essential items desperately needed) was to change the care percentage with child support so it keeps him apparently having them much more than he is.

This morning he has just arrived with the trailer on - with kids bikes, my cross trainer and a few other things.  It is at least a start

Just stick to your guns, don't give in.
Eventually, very eventually probably, he will get it - the fact that you are not going to be controlled anymore.
My prayers are with you, it must be so hard, but keep on keeping on.  You can do this.  It's hard to see the forest for tress at the moment, but if you could fast forward 2 years - where do you see yourself?  Keep focusing on that ideal.

#58 alwayshappy

Posted 23 November 2016 - 03:26 PM

How are you going?
I hope you are getting stronger every day.
I hope you are seeing him for what he really is.
Hang in there are stay strong to your beliefs, don't let him bully, control and abuse you any more.
Document every interaction with him, it may be useful in the long term.
One day he will not control you. Live for that day.

#59 Gateaugirl

Posted 23 November 2016 - 06:07 PM

alwayhappy's post reads like a poem. Ode to a strong woman who left a bad marriage. Love it.

Thinking of you, OP.

#60 Hayleymumof3

Posted 23 November 2016 - 08:54 PM

View PostThe Little Engine, on 30 October 2016 - 09:29 PM, said:

We haven't even managed to get that far yet... he is refusing to supply anything to the lawyer as he is SO sure his way is correct and I'm robbing us both!

He was SO angry I hung up on him - He rang 8 times in the 10 minutes I was on the phone to my son trying to calm him down.

xh has unfortunately shown he is not thinking of the kids and is wanting to have everything go his way. He wants to go straight to court as the first step if I don't go his way and both go to the same solicitor and me sign over the house to him...

I have to remain strong

I have to try to not let his ranting affect me


Please tell me separation isn't always this difficult? There have to be decent people who think of the kids?????

Call his bluff on this and just go Ok, just let my lawyer know when to file the paper work and we will get the ball rolling.

Stop letting him hold all the cards(yes I know easier said than done)

#61 The Little Engine

Posted 26 November 2016 - 08:01 PM

I have been doing ok. Dome days have been incredibly difficult but I have tried to be strong through all the bullying and manipulation.

Tonight it's quiet. The kids arw at xh house - only the 2nd time he's had all 3 kids for the weekend. I don't do quiet well.  I have kept myself busy all day with school work and reports - it has suddenly just hit me!   Hit me again how isolated I have become. No-one close by I can really rely on. Some more work by xh as he gradually isolated me from pretty much everyone :(

#62 *Spikey*

Posted 26 November 2016 - 08:35 PM

TLE, I am so sorry you are feeling isolated. I know we are internet randoms, but we are also real people who care about you, and I know there are people here who would happily extend the friendship into real life if you need.

Many EBers are willing to meet up in local areas - if you are feeling the need for a friendly face, maybe your nice local contingent can organise a coffee date or something similar?

I have met some lovely ladies in the ACT this way - and we've stepped up to support our friends when they've needed us.

Please take care of yourself, and don't believe that inner voice - you are respected, you have both friends and acquaintances who care.

#63 sueratbag

Posted 26 November 2016 - 08:38 PM

Well, you're not isolated from us!

Keep up the good work, TLE. Make new friends now that you're not being controlled. Love yourself. Love your kids.

Any hobbies or interests that you could join groups to do?

Love and prayers X

#64 IamzFeralz

Posted 27 November 2016 - 07:55 AM

I hear you on the isolation after marriage breakdown.  Wish we were closer TLE!

#65 catkin

Posted 27 November 2016 - 09:23 AM

Don't forget that this is not forever. The track signals WILL change, the fog WILL clear, and one day you'll be chuffing along without the heavy cargo you're pulling now.

Crises almost always have us catastrophising everything- thoughts with words like 'never' 'always' 'nobody' seem so real, the stress leads us to feel so overwhelmed we can't remember any happy times, or imagine happy times in the future. You can trust us that there will be a time when this period is just something to look back on, from a place of peace and contentment. If you manage to stick to your guns, bullies do get bored and bugger off, or at least give up on you!

It's also a time of opportunity- remember metal can't be forged into strong beautiful tools without fire. One day you'll be so very proud of yourself!

But it is a time to be canny and as practical as possible.

Pick a couple of strategies mentioned in this thread and stick with them like life depends on it- like the one about documenting everything (even when it feels silly), and the one where you commit to being a boring 'broken record' (even when you're tempted to argue back)- then just put one foot in front of the other. Baby steps, until you wake up that sunny morning and realise the worst is over.

One more practicality: many women throw their hands up around the money settlements, from all the stress, then regret it later. Try hard to stay strong on that score- fight for your children's future, using every legal tool, so you can build that new life with a bit of financial security. Don't let yourself get distracted with how unfair it all is, and how you don't deserve this treatment. Of course that's true, but it's not helping you at the moment. If you need to borrow some strength from people to keep your vision clear, do so. Whoever they are, with no embarrassment. Colleagues, the lady at the shops, rellos, church members. People are more willing to be leaned on than you think. No doubt you are the kind of lovely person that helps others without a second thought, let the world repay the favour while this is going on.

You can count on coming out of this tougher, smarter, more empathetic, a great mother and a terrific woman who stands up to dragons and wins in all the important ways.

Again- it really isn't forever. Promise.

#66 Sancti-claws

Posted 27 November 2016 - 02:44 PM

Another thing to contemplate is while women are in unhappy relationships they find it very difficult to be open and welcoming to new potential friends.  You don't want to invite anyone over or into your life because they will see how he behaves or how you are being treated - you are now free of that.

It will take time to grow your local circuit up - but this is not forever - and in the interim, look at how many girl friends you have right here!

Where else can you start a random conversation about - I don't know, chocolate or cooking dishwater or books or boredom - and have a few people jump in and keep it going?  It is a great opportunity for those of us who, for whatever reason, don't have so many people in our living rooms or back yards when we need to throw it out there.

#67 The Little Engine

Posted 27 November 2016 - 04:46 PM

Thanks to all the lovely posts - I will respond properly later.

Right now I need prayer and strength to get through the evening. The boys are in a bad way - threatening self harm etc. I have failed to keep them safe.  I am shattered

#68 Lees75

Posted 27 November 2016 - 04:51 PM

Praying for strength for you for this evening. xx

#69 Bone Apple Tea

Posted 27 November 2016 - 04:53 PM

View PostThe Little Engine, on 26 November 2016 - 08:01 PM, said:

No-one close by I can really rely on. Some more work by xh as he gradually isolated me from pretty much everyone Posted Image

Are you willing to say where you live on here?

Some of us may live nearby.

#70 SplashingRainbows

Posted 27 November 2016 - 05:44 PM

Would you consider getting an after hours GP out to document that TLE? It might help you keep them safe in the future.

Edited by SplashingRainbows, 27 November 2016 - 05:45 PM.


#71 Gateaugirl

Posted 27 November 2016 - 06:19 PM

I don't have any words right now, OP, but I'll be praying for you.

#72 Islander

Posted 27 November 2016 - 07:04 PM

All my good wishes to your family. So harrowing. Xx

#73 opethmum

Posted 27 November 2016 - 08:25 PM

If you are encouraging a domestic violence victim to reveal location, I would suggest PMing the OP.

I am so sorry you're still being put through the wringer by your xh. It must be so hard.

#74 Ianthe

Posted 28 November 2016 - 03:29 PM

TLE how are things today?

#75 The Little Engine

Posted 28 November 2016 - 10:15 PM

We got through the day and I even managed a tiny bit of sleep last night.  I rang DS 9s psychologist today and he rang me back late this afternoon - he will fit him in after his last patient tomorrow.

I have SO much going on in my head, so much I have to do ASAP.  Lawyer stuff is getting to me too...

I am currently trying to stay focussed on the next 3 weeks - once school finishes it will give me a little breathing space.  Finances will be tougher but life will be simpler for a few weeks.


I am trying really hard to think of all the positives of the day a the end of it - no matter how little/trivial they are.  Things are SO SO difficult some days that I fear if I don't do this I'm going to end up rocking in a corner.  Those little positives remind me I AM doing the right thing and things HAVE to improve.


Regarding the isolation - I do have friends but I guess not a 'Best' friend - and generally I am so busy with everything I have almost no free time to actually catch up. Isolation is definitely one thing xh was good at doing - although I'm not sure if it was intentional or just him trying to control my every move and the finances with it (so no coffee/lunch out/going to visit friends in Melb etc)

Online friends became my lifeline once I had kids as after that it became almost impossible to get out without getting the 3rd degree later - easier to get a few mins to message people when I could when DH was at work.  Even catching up at the park was met with a thousand questions and lots of complaining about the housework I didn't get done when I was out 'playing'...




0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

'My parenting style is Survivalist'

A helicopter or tiger mum, I am not.

8 mums reveal their favourite nappy bags

We asked a bunch of mums which nappy bags they love the most.

Why you shouldn't bother throwing a big first birthday party

If you're feeling the pressure to host an all-out, over-the-top shindig for your baby's birthday, I hereby grant you permission to throw the rules out the window.

The 24 baby names on the verge of extinction this year

If you're on the hunt for the perfect baby name and don't want a chart-topper like Oliver or Olivia, then do we have the list for you.

'My mum doesn't seem that interested in my baby'

Q: My mother and I have always been close, but now that I have a baby, she has not helped out as much as I thought she would.

New guidelines: "Bottle-feeding mums need support too"

Breast is best, but mums who can't, or choose not to breastfeed need support too.

Dads also struggle to 'have it all', study finds

Men and women both experience work-family conflict.

Language development may start in the womb

Study found babies can recognise foreign languages before birth.

Meet the baby born from an embryo frozen for 24 years

Experts say little Emma is a record breaking baby.

 
Advertisement
 

Top 5 Articles

Advertisement
 
 
 

From our network

Five things you need to know about flu and pregnancy

As the 2017 flu season begins in earnest, here?s what you need to know to protect yourself and baby.

Mum tips to keep your pre-baby budget in check

Money might be funny in a rich man's world (or so ABBA told us), but for the rest of us it's a major consideration – particularly before having a baby.

5 easy ways to make your maternity leave last longer

Maternity leave is a special time for you, your partner and your new little bundle. The last thing you want is for financial worries to stand in the way of that joy.

10 ways to keep your 'buying for baby' costs down

Becoming a parent is full of surprises – not least of all finding out that, for such small beings, babies cause a lot of chaos and expense.

5 ways to prepare to go from two incomes to one

Here are some ideas for getting that budget in shape, ready for being a one income family.

 

Baby Names

Need some ideas?

See what names are trending this year.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.