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Husband not interested

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#1 JuraS

Posted 26 August 2015 - 05:46 PM

DH and I have been trying for 12 months now and I started OI which is not working unfortunately.

12 months ago I also had been diagnosed with endometriosis and had that removed. My husband was never really interested to know the issues that endo may cause but went along with starting the process of trying to conceive after I told him that my doctor recommended that I wait no longer.

Several months later I noticed I am not ovulating and that's when I got diagnosed with polycistic ovaries. Again DH's response was "ok".

I have been undergoing many many blood tests early mornings, ultrasounds, a laparoscopy and I started clomid that makes me feel awful last month. I have also been told that the chances are that I need ivf. I say "I" because DH somewhat is not involved.

He never asks how I feel and I am expected to just ponder along and do what I need to do. I get up early to go to have my bloods taken, then I go and have accupuncture, then I work 9 hours and then I do some uni work before heading home and do my household chores. Then, because I am so stressed I end up not ovulating and my head is all foggy thanks to continuously low estrogen. Then I start spotting for weeks before it all starts again... And my husband? Well he doesn't give me any support, never asks me where I am at or how I am going. Instead he finds it weird that I feel so flat. Really?

He never even read up about any of the processes and is attending no doctor appointments and if I bring up IVF he tells me this is up to me.

Maybe it's because he has children already and it's new to him that it's not as easy for me to fall pregnant or maybe he just is generally not interested.

I am loosing my mind and am seriously depressed. It's like it's all up to me.

#2 RichardParker

Posted 26 August 2015 - 05:58 PM

Have you discussed his apparent lack of interest?  What does he say?

#3 AggyW72

Posted 26 August 2015 - 06:07 PM

OP, I would be very concerned about going into parenthood with someone showing such a lack of interest. Does he actually want more children? Have you really talked this through together.
Pregnancy is just a tiny part of this journey, raising a child is a big thing.
I'm also really concerned for you that he shows such little interest in your health generally.
I have PCOS and another chronic disease, and I get blood taken ever 2 months, frequent scans and lots of medication to take. My DH is all over this stuff and always concerned about my health. It's important to be a team.

Edited by AggyW72, 26 August 2015 - 06:10 PM.

#4 Madeline's Mum

Posted 26 August 2015 - 06:09 PM

My husband wasn't overt interested in my PCOS diagnosis and he didn't do any reading about it, or look up clomid or anything when I had to take it. He just isn't that sort of person. Where as I read every single thing I can find.

Clomid made me feel like sh*t the first month too. Enough to make me want to give up.

I would just flat out say "I feel like you don't care about this process and it's hurting my feelings" or "it would be great if you could support me through this" so he flat out knows your stand point.

Sorry this is so hard, I hope you get pregnant soon.

#5 JuraS

Posted 26 August 2015 - 06:30 PM

I talked to him about this previously and he says that he cares but it's not such a big deal as I make it out to be. He then is supportive for a little while and that's it again. I am unsure even if he thinks I make the pains and dizzy spells up I have due to wacky hormone levels.

I know he defiantly wants children. He told me two/three years ago that he was ready to have another one or two now but I wasn't ready then. I don't think anything changed. He was the one that suggested buying a house rather than a unit which we did and he was the one that pointed out which houses are suitable for more kids (that was last year) so I believe he wants children but I think he just doesn't get or want to understand infertility.

#6 SplashingRainbows

Posted 26 August 2015 - 06:55 PM

I wouldn't be TTC with a man who you only think wants to have more kids.

Sorry, that sounds harsh, but the many years of relationship breakdowns documented on this forum would have me reassessing right now.

#7 Ho Ho No

Posted 26 August 2015 - 07:24 PM

Has he always been this way? Is he disinterested in everything? Or just the IVF?

#8 Lady Sybil Vimes

Posted 26 August 2015 - 07:39 PM

I'm sore, OP. I would think hard about having children with him. If he's already not terribly interested in what you're going through You can probably expect him to behave the same way through pregnancy and childrearing. I would consider whether that's something you can live with. The newborn period can be so hard that even the strongest, most supportive relationships can be strained. If he's already not too interested in what you're going through then you will find life with a newborn pretty hard.

My DH finds most medical stuff pretty incomprehensible. I do all the researching and so on but he's always available for me to talk to and he will do anything I ask of him.

Making you feel that he thinks you're overreacting or making things up is not on.  You and your DH need another big talk about this where you tell him exactly what you need and what he needs to do to step up and support you.

#9 FeelingcLucky

Posted 26 August 2015 - 07:44 PM

Are you sure he actually wants to have a child?

Are you sure he will support you with a new born if he is unable to currently support you whilst TTC?

Are you sure a child with someone who is so lacking in interest/support for you is what you want?

Sorry to be blunt, but from your post I would be seriously reconsidering having a child with this person (possible also relationship)

He sounds incredibly uncaring and self involved. Both of which are likely to be amplified when a newborn is around.

#10 mrsJacko

Posted 26 August 2015 - 08:11 PM

I think you need to stop TTC and do some couples therapy, it sounds like you two really aren't connecting right now and TTC should take a back seat until you are both on the same page.

not forever, just until your relationship is stronger.

#11 Darcy41

Posted 19 April 2016 - 11:34 AM

Hi JuraS
firstly sorry for what you are going through.

I want to add some pluses for the men that seem like this.  My DH also has older children from a previous relationship, and that did not go well at all, he only has facebook contact with his children. (not his choice or fault I believe)

with his feelings I believe this could be said of your partner too (maybe)

1 - it's up to you, can mean means he is happy to have a child with you but he is also happy to continue the relationship and commitment to you as a childless relationship - I know when ttc this is incomprehensible to us, but it is something we should think about too, and he is essentially saying he loves you as a potential mum but he will also love you as a lifelong companion if ivf does not yield a baby.

2 - not discussing or getting involved in the minutae can be due to him not being able to discuss emotional things with you very well. (eg in my relationship I have a long standing mental health issue and my DH tries to not get me too emotional because it hurts him to see me in pain).

3 - With all the forms we sign and the decisions that go into signing those forms for the AC pathway, has their been any indecision there?  These are very big signs of love and commitment to the process that most would not be able to just do if they didn't care about the outcome

4 - How are you funding your IVF? Is your partner contributing that way - Men who don't deal with discussing their emotions very well or showing their emotions very well can sometimes seem stand offish when they are trying their best to make everything okay logistically - working hard, getting the right groceries, trying to take your mind off things or trying to make you feel like the everything is OK - even when you feel like the whole world is riding on this

Sometimes it's okay to ask for exactly what you need and to ask repeatedly, be totally honest and tell him you need some extra support now, because you are feeling emotional, or that this isn't just a period this time to you, it's a period and it's devastating because things are not where you had hoped, so ask for more hugs or more intimacy or more kisses or whatever you need.

The old adage about men not being able to read our minds is true, hell sometimes I can't even read my own mind ;)

Even though your partner does not come across as supportive and that some here believe your relationship to be in ruins at this time, I think it may not be as it seems.

The only way you can assess this is to be very honest about how you feel and ask him to be very honest about how he feels.
All the best in your relationship and your AC journey

#12 Darcy41

Posted 19 April 2016 - 11:36 AM

oh oops I got carried away didn't realise this was such an old thread...

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