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When the Grandparent REFUSES to babysit?!

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240 replies to this topic

#51 lynneyours

Posted 18 February 2014 - 11:00 AM

Sorry to hear about your friend OP.

Why don't you just ring his preschool and explain to them and request an extra day for him?  

Or ask one of the carers there to babysit him if the centre is closed Friday?

Or ask one of the other Mums from the centre - you can have their child later.

Or ask your IL's - and perhaps buy them something nice, or a dinner out to show them that you're aware they babysit often and that you appreciate it.

I am unsure why you are so adamant that your Dad babysit when he clearly doesn't want to.  I would not ask again.  I do not want my children looked after by people who don't want to. He clearly loves you and your DS but doesn't feel comfortable having sole charge.  My Dad wouldn't either.  

Please do not yell at your Dad or push him on the topic, he has his reasons, and has given you an answer.  You could damage your relationship and lose his support if you push it.

As PP's said, it would be incredibly rude and childish to do so.


Posted 18 February 2014 - 11:00 AM

View Postrabbit hyde, on 18 February 2014 - 10:56 AM, said:

Have you tried talking to him about why he won't babysit and whether he would do it once your child is older.

This is a good idea. He may be like my BIL who just can't relate to kids under a certain age. He loved his own kids and they are absolutely beautiful people inside and out, but he just didn't enjoy children until they were about 4.

#53 akkiandmalli

Posted 18 February 2014 - 11:01 AM

Op my dad would never babysit any of my kids on his own. They make too much noise or he has to change nappies ( baby) .. I don't push the point.. I work I get a babysitter it's simple really .. You have inkaws if they are happy to help use them. My inkaws live in an other country..
To me it seems like you don't understand he has a life and he wants to relax looking after your child doesn't fit that..

#54 Mrs Dinosaurus

Posted 18 February 2014 - 11:01 AM

View PostDEVOCEAN, on 18 February 2014 - 10:47 AM, said:

So he is a sh*t dad just because he won't babysit.
Judgemental or what.

Not me, her. She is the one complaining - I was saying my dad is sh*t. And trust me, he is.

#55 Feral timtam

Posted 18 February 2014 - 11:02 AM

Another thought,

Why don't you take your son to the funeral?
If he's already toilet trained he is probably reasonably intelligent and capable of behaving at a funeral if you take a couple of quiet toys (like an ipad which would keep my kids stationary for hours!)

My kids have been to several funerals, they've all behaved for them and my oldest turns five this year.

Wait until after the funeral and after you have calmed down before speaking with your father about his reluctance to babysit. I honestly think the refusal to baby sit is likely to be because he is uncomfortable being solely responsible for small children.

#56 Jingleflea

Posted 18 February 2014 - 11:02 AM

Ok, here's a thought. TAKE HIM WITH YOU!

It's not ideal but you won't have to get anyone to look after him.
if he gets cranky during the service take him outside or get your husband do take him outside.
I took my 2yr old to a funeral 18 months ago and my husband took her out for a walk when she started getting bored.


Posted 18 February 2014 - 11:04 AM

View PostDinosaurus, on 18 February 2014 - 11:01 AM, said:

Not me, her. She is the one complaining - I was saying my dad is sh*t. And trust me, he is.
Ahhhhhh okay.

#58 boatiebabe

Posted 18 February 2014 - 11:12 AM

Firstly I am very sorry for the loss of your friend. It must be a very hard time for you.

My dad is a lot like yours, but because I don't expect anything from him re babysitting - I am rarely disappointed and we have a great relationship. I must admit he doesn't talk up what a great grandad he is like yours does.

My dad is what he is and I can either fight it or accept it.

I know he loves me and loves the kids and probably would watch the kids if I asked him, but after he lost my DS when he was five (in a foreign country!) due to some lax supervision, we just don't ask him anymore. He just isn't geared up to look after little kids - and that's okay.

Find someone else to watch your little one - or take him. If he's a good kid he'll be fine through the service.

Don't go nuts on your dad, as you'll probably end up completely ruining your relationship with him.

#59 Let-it-go

Posted 18 February 2014 - 11:15 AM

Is this a joke??  It isnt your dad that is plain rude, it is you.

Dust the cobwebs off your purse, ring a nanny agency and pay for a babysitter like most of us do.  I do not expect anyone to look after my kids other than myself or my DH.  If I need someone I pay them.

#60 Bazinga

Posted 18 February 2014 - 11:18 AM

I was going to say the same as previous posts - take him with you.

Some people don't have grandparents to babysit and handle taking their kids with them just fine.

He's old enough to understand the need to be quiet and it seems he would be happy enough watching Thomas on an iPad or phone.

#61 seayork2002

Posted 18 February 2014 - 11:25 AM

I would rather my son be looked after the people who want the honour so would waste not any thoughts on those who don't, mind you there is no law that says GP (or anyone else) HAS too.

#62 MrsSmith247

Posted 18 February 2014 - 11:25 AM

I am sorry for your loss OP.

What do you think people who actually DON'T have parents around do in these situations?  Not everyone has parents on call to care for their children.

#63 DrFeral

Posted 18 February 2014 - 11:27 AM

As someone who has rarely had the treat of having a parent babysit I would suggest that you could look at taking your toddler to the funeral and just sit near the back (as PPs have suggested).  I have taken my son to 4 funerals and my daughter to 3 and all whilst they were quite young and have found that on the whole people are really helpful and understanding.  For some reason a lot of people like to see young kids at funerals as it is a reminder of continuing life at a time of grief.

#64 Tinky Winky Woo

Posted 18 February 2014 - 11:37 AM

The question I would ask myself is 'would I want to leave my kid with someone who openly does not want to have them?'.  The answer would be NO WAY.

I would possibly not go to the funeral - unless it was someone extremely close to me.

#65 jennywin

Posted 18 February 2014 - 11:53 AM

I can see your just unloading here, for some reason your post, maybe the way its worded, hasn't gone down well with a lot of people. You are lucky to have a dad who visits once a week. That he won't communicate the real reason for not babysitting, or that his reason seems flimsy, well, people will always disappoint, but you have to look at them overall. And your dad sounds interested in his grandson. Of course he brags to others. There are 1000 worse than him who will brag even more, but your dad pops in once a week. Do a straw poll, the majority in Australia don't get that. Appreciate what you do get, and accept the flaws.

And sorry about the loss of your friend.

Edited by jennywin, 18 February 2014 - 11:54 AM.

#66 Falala-llyjonk

Posted 18 February 2014 - 11:53 AM

I would be disappointed that my dad was not willing to help me out on such an occasion. However he has ever right to say no and you have no right for this indignant rage. Sorry.

And if anybody specifically told me they were unwilling or unable to commit to watching my kids there is NO way I would push it. I do not want someone with that attitude having responsibility over my toddler anyway.

I feel sad for your in laws, that they get cold shouldered on the basis of genetics. Have you considered that they might view your little boy as their grandson despite not being his biological grandparents? Or maybe this is how they like to show love to you and your husband? I would go with them.

Or, if you are really uncomfortable, get a baby sitter. But let your dad do whatever he likes.

#67 JomoMum

Posted 18 February 2014 - 11:53 AM

Sorry for your loss OP.

Why should he have to babysit your son? IMO, it's irrelevant how your son behaves or if your dad has plans. He's raised his kids.

And I don't think HE is being rude at all.

It so happens that my parents would drop everything to babysit DS. But I would NEVER expect it or think them rude if they didn't want to.

Sorry, but I think you are being unreasonable.

#68 a letter to Elise.

Posted 18 February 2014 - 11:59 AM

My dad would have been very uncomfortable with looking after a 2 year old. He wasn't majorly involved with looking after his own children at that age - different era. He would have done it if I was desperate, but wouldn't have been comfortable doing it for more then an hour or two.

Both of my parents have passed away. DH's parents live overseas. The only family members that could baby sit for us live at least an hour or two away, so not convenient.

We would either take our children with us if we both wanted to go, or pay a baby sitter. It's actually worth finding someone regular to act as a baby sitter, so you always have someone you can call on if you need it.

It sounds like your PIL are willing to do it. It sounds like a great opportunity for them to bond with your son. They will be around for a long time, and will be the grandparents of any future children you have. If they are interested in having a relationship with your son, I think it's wonderful, and I would be encouraging it!

#69 gemgirl

Posted 18 February 2014 - 12:07 PM

Wow, biology is totally irrelevant! Your DP/DH's family want to babysit, so let them!

My parents have step grandchildren and foster grandchildren... but they're never called that! They're all grandchildren.

#70 Feral*Spikey*

Posted 18 February 2014 - 12:13 PM

There have been small children at all of the funerals I've attended, and that is a fair few.

If you are not comfortable leaving your child with your in laws for that length of time, then I'd recommend that you take him with you. Pack a bag with stuff that will keep him amused and quiet (snack time during the service is always a good one), a pram for getting him around and for sleeping in, and it will be okay.

I'm sorry for your loss, it's hard to lose friends when they're so young.

#71 tazz91

Posted 18 February 2014 - 12:28 PM

View PostEhill, on 18 February 2014 - 11:15 AM, said:

Is this a joke??  It isnt your dad that is plain rude, it is you.

Dust the cobwebs off your purse, ring a nanny agency and pay for a babysitter like most of us do.  I do not expect anyone to look after my kids other than myself or my DH.  If I need someone I pay them.

Again, I'm 22 years old. Again, he's in preschool 4 days a week ($155). Again, the funeral is 2.5 hours away (5 hours of travelling). Again, baby-sitters are $20+/hour.

So why do you think I'm being unreasonably stingy? I CAN'T AFFORD A BABY SITTER!

My god, why even post on a forum asking for advice if you're all just going to say rude things and judge me?! I thought we were here to support each other.

#72 tazz91

Posted 18 February 2014 - 12:32 PM

I can't rely on my own father to help me out ONE time with his grandson, so why should I have thought that random strangers would be any nicer to me. My mistake. I can't believe you're all making me feel so horrible just for wanting to get my dad to help. Shame on you :(

Edited by tazz91, 18 February 2014 - 12:33 PM.

#73 RynandStompy

Posted 18 February 2014 - 12:33 PM

OP - I am sorry for your loss.
I can see how it would be frustrating to have a family member not help during a situation like this. I mean, you are wanting to go to a funeral, not spend the time shopping!

Regardless, if he won't then he likely won't. Pushing the point will likely cause resentment and defensiveness on his part. And like some PP said - do you really want someone who doesn't want to, to look after your child?
If budget doesn't stretch to paid sitters then the options are ask PIL or take DS with you. I can understand you may not want to come across as always using them, but it sounds like they won't minddoing this favour. Is there something helpful you guys could do for them to acknowledge their efforts and say a special thank you once you return?
E.g.  Bake a cake, write a card out with DS drawing in it, frame a special photo of him and them?

#74 MerryMadrigalMadge

Posted 18 February 2014 - 12:34 PM

just take him with you. We have driven DD since a baby on a 3 hr each day trip to see my FIL, it's not that bad. That's 6-7 hours driving in a day.

Just work out the best timing, add an extra hour each way for stops, snacks, entertainment and you're set.

Really, that's the best solution.

#75 Walkers

Posted 18 February 2014 - 12:38 PM

View PostEhill, on 18 February 2014 - 11:15 AM, said:

Is this a joke??  It isnt your dad that is plain rude, it is you.

Dust the cobwebs off your purse, ring a nanny agency and pay for a babysitter like most of us do.  I do not expect anyone to look after my kids other than myself or my DH.  If I need someone I pay them.
Asking whether it is a joke under the curcumstances is pretty poor form.

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