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Who to tell and visitors...
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Posted 07 September 2013 - 01:33 AM
I would like some advice. My whole family is overseas, they will be seeing baby first time next year, whereas whole of DH family lives here. I'm feeling very guilty about my family not being here. The following issue has been in discussion for some time now, but still no resolution.
I never intended to tell anyone but DH and my midwife that labour started. Mainly I wanted to avoid people pushing their way in asking "is the baby here yet" and putting me under pressure to deliver, and I also wanted some me and baby time and enough recovery time after the birth, so I didn't want visitors in hospital too. Also, I wanted my parents at least to be the first one to know, seeing that they won't see baby for half a year. (Back home, we "had" to visit my SIL in hospital, and I felt so sorry for her - she looked like hell, couldn't sit or stand, baby test result were playing up, I could see her thinking "leave me alone!")
DH disagreed with me, wanted to call everyone, and saying he will deal with people calling and pushing - but when he does this he wouldn't be concentrating on me. He also says I can't forbid the family for visiting, and it would be inconsiderate of me not to let them see the new relative.
So, now I got scheduled for a c-sec, and DH told MIL about the issues that developed this week, so they didn't even let me go to the hospital on my own for the checkups, but MIL drove me. She also now knows the date and time of the c-sec. I didn't want to tell my parents that I'm having a c-sec, but now I have to because otherwise they know less than MIL, which in the end makes them even worried more (bad hospital and operation experience)
I'm totally freaking out because of the c-sec, and I even more do not want anyone in the hospital with this situation - I know from experience that drugs will give me a really bad headache, make me sick, I don't wanna bf in front of the in-laws, half of the in-laws don't even like me because of my baby taking away MIL's attention away from their kid, I will have a catheter in me and I don't want anyone to see me this undignified and helpless.
DH is still fine with every one coming in - and I need a way to keep people away from me. I can't ask the midwives to not let people come in, as DH will just escort them in anyway, and trying to convince him I don't want visitors hasn't worked so far.
Do you guys have any idea what to do? Am I just over reacting? Any better arguments for my or his position?
Sorry for the long rant, wanted to make sure I included everything. Thanks in advance for your help!
Posted 07 September 2013 - 02:00 AM
Can you speak to your OB and get the C-S moved to a day earlier and not tell your DH until the day?
Speak to the midwives without DH there, saying you do not want visitors and your DH is being pig-headed and will invite everyone in and you don't wish this.
I think he is being very selfish - it is your body going through a major operation, you who will be cut open and leaking from everywhere, not him.
You should be able to bond as a family and have a go at BF etc without spectators if that is your wish. I would at least insist to your DH that NO visitors until your catheter is out, and you've showered and dressed. I think you need to speak to them yourself and ask that they do not visit you in hospital until you have had a chance to bond, BF, shower and dress. If they cannot follow this they have no respect for you so I wouldn't bother being polite. You have to start standing up for what you want now, or your MIL will walk all over you when you have the baby and you'll resent her.
Maybe say MIL and FIL can come to the waiting room and your DH can take the baby out to them for half an hour? Everyone else can wait til you are home. I'd also insist they have been vaccinated against whooping cough recently, and none of them are sick.
It will not kill the family to have to wait 2 hours, or even 2 days to see the baby.
I think your DH needs to start putting YOU first and not his mother by the sounds.
Posted 07 September 2013 - 03:37 AM
Sounds like a rough spot OP. I completely understand your thoughts and why.
I love my parents, but I was quite protective in hospital after gave birth: no one but hubby held our DD, I was a bit uncomfortable physically from tearing etc, naked and trying to establish breast feeding: none of which an audience makes any better. I was glad at that time my family is small and hubby's lives out of town.
Not many words of advice, but if you have had friends who understand with a similar experience of handling family and c sect that can talk him into understanding the need to delay visitors?
Maybe having a doula to help with this on the day?
I would hate the thought that every man and his dog has kissed and cuddled my new born while I am in getting stitched up/recovery. But I guess the flip side to this is the love that the baby will be surrounded by in those moments.
Definitely a toughie.
Posted 07 September 2013 - 03:40 AM
Oh- and what about using the old: none of you can see/cuddle the baby until the family member has had their whooping cough vax, or bub has had theirs (in 6 weeks time).
Posted 07 September 2013 - 03:49 AM
At the end of the day you are the patient. Please tell the ob and he midwives what is going on and perhaps the ob can have a word to your husband?
I am having an elective c section- out families know the date and time but will not be coming to visit till we give them the go ahead, and at the earliest it will be my mum bringing our toddler in to meet her sister. A
Are you and DH from the same cultural background? It sounds like their might be cultural issues at play? Not that it should change anything but I know it does
Posted 07 September 2013 - 04:36 AM
He probably just doesn't understand the objection.
He needs to be told labour is a very emotional and personal thing, and it's not unusual for women to feel extremely vulnerable - and even to have lasting issues with bonding or anxiety related to labour if they find it very difficult. This isn't imaginary: there's solid research showing a very strong trend. Being smothered by well-meaning family members during the birth just isn't going to help anyone. Besides, HE should have the first hours of his baby to himself so HE can enjoy some one on one bonding too.
Your DH should not be devoting time to 'crowd control' and although his desire to share his baby and excitement is certainly valid and commendable, there will be plenty of opportunity in the days after the birth. A day or two will not make a difference. The first days can be extremely tiring and you'll be in the middle of a hormone crash, which really makes some women struggle. Often, you get into a groove after two or so days.
Also, some women feel a lot of emotion surrounding a c-section birth - scared, disappointed or surprised at the outcome, and may not want everyone under the sun to know their mode of birth either (a c-section can often invite judgement e.g. 'what? why did you need a c-section? I didn't need a c-section. Was it an elective c-section? Oh, listen then to all the reasons I think your doctor was wrong...) Your DH should be aware it's not just you being 'unreasonable': many if not most women feel uncomfortable with visitors in the hospital until at least a day after the birth. Hospitals often enforce restrictions on visitors for this reason.
It's also a good idea to consider how overwhelming a horde of visitors would be for baby right after or even during the birth. This tiny little person has had no contact with anyone, and suddenly they're in a world of bright lights. Some babies don't do well with stimulation-overload; being passed around to all and sundry within your first few hours of existence can also affect bonding and wellbeing, even establishing breastfeeding. Give the little one at least a day to adjust.
I suggest a compromise. Perhaps have him be responsible for spreading the news to family at his first reasonable opportunity, on the understanding he let them know you'll tell them as soon as you're up to having visitors (except perhaps immediate family members like siblings). Have him specifically ASK them not to just 'show up' during the birth or early hours of recovery.
Edited by Velociraptor, 07 September 2013 - 04:43 AM.
Posted 07 September 2013 - 06:54 AM
Oh geez! Your DH really has no clue does here?
Ok not in this group, came via recent discussions, but you should speak to your OB privately, tell then you're so stressed and not happy with how rapidly out of control everything is getting. Ask him to talk to your DH and explain stuff.
Also, you can actually tell nurses at the hospital no one is allowed in you're room until you're ready. I knew I was going to have this problem with some friends, so I told the nurses desk no one but DH in my room.
Ppl rocked up, nurses sent them away, they were annoyed but got over it.
I get your family excited, but this is the one day where what YOU want matters. What YOU need is more important than your MIL seeing baby seconds after birth. I get your DH is excited, but he's not the one going through the c/s and post op. get the OB to tell him to do what YOU want.
Posted 07 September 2013 - 07:08 AM
I came in from we are discussing.
My first, I had a labour then emerg c-sec, I came out of recovery (I was there for over an hour "asleep") to someone else holding my baby - not me, someone else and I am not talking about my DH, I am talking about his aunt.
My second, I had a planned c-sect. We told my parents as they were looking after DS, DH parents (they were o/s) and one friend (she arrived back in the country 4 days beforehand, planned around the c-sect).
People were p*ssed I didn't tell them. REALLY p*ssed.
All I wanted was time for me, DS & DH. I also knew that after the cs, I would not be wanting people all over me (think catheter etc). We told everyone about 4 hours after her birth, and said to come the next day.
Be prepared for people to be really annoyed, and to still be annoyed ages later. It is ridiculous that people behave like this, but you need to look after you guys first and foremost.
Have a chat to your DH, tell him what it is really like etc, and that you just want a little time to yourselves, a short (less than 1/2 hour) visit from your MIL/FIL on the day and back the next one. I dont know what time your c-sect is scheduled for, but we were first off the bat (6am booking) and she was born about 7.43 by the time you were prepped properly etc, and not into a room until nearly 11, so this needs to be kept in mind. So, I would ask your DH to have some consideration for you and also your parents, who cannot be there on the day. And if nice doesn't work, unleash hormonal cranky pregnant you
Posted 07 September 2013 - 07:52 AM
I'm another one that come in from the we are We are Discussing thing...
I've had an emergency c sect and an elective and I think your DH is just inexperienced and naïve about the state you will be in for the rest of your delivery day. Yes you will have a catheter in, but you will also not be able to move from the waste down! As the meds wear off you will be in horrible pain every time you try and sit up or roll over to get the baby! Now I'm not trying to make you scared, with my first bub in particular I was so euphoric that bub was here that I barely noticed any of this, but the point is it is completely reasonable to not want your in laws, particularly if your not that close, to see you like that.
From memory we told my parents and in laws that they could come for a 5 min visit each at about 5pm (surgery was 9am). Siblings or more extended family not until the next day.
Also, you may have to get over the in-laws seeing you BF, I had bubs that wanted to feed pretty much constantly - there was no escaping in-laws seeing me!
Posted 07 September 2013 - 08:13 AM
I came from recent topics. I was 100.% different to you. We told parents I was being induced, we told my parents. To be honest I didn't think about them once, I know my mum turned up at sometime to wait I didn't feel any pressure from her he wasn't on my mind.
All the parents and my sister came to see DS after the emergency csection. (Was about 10 or so) I was so in awe of my little being I didn't realise until now about the the cat visiting hours at our hospital were not until 2.30, right on 2.30 we had a stack of visitors (family) but both DH and I enjoyed showing our DS off.
Maybe get your DH a time to organise for them all to get there and he can take them to the cafe with the baby? This would mean he would still get to show off and you would have your space.
Posted 07 September 2013 - 10:10 AM
Have come in from we're discussing and wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Were due in november and live next to his family while mine live hours away. I'm worried that DH will call his friends and family and mine will hear through the grapevine.
I have however managed to talk some sense into him that I want a few hours for us as a new family before anyone gets told (although I'm not sure how to sneak out of the house in labour without his family figuring out what is happening).
I'm not super keen on having heaps of visitors in hospital (i figure ill probably feel vulnerable enough without having to deal with a whole heap ofpeople) so we are planning on a meat and greet BBQ after we get home. I had a close friend who didnt want any hospital visitors and although I was upset at the time now that I'm in the same boat I can completely see where she was coming from.
Fortunately DH can see where I'm coming from (after a few minor meltdowns and tears) and has come around a bit. Oh and after he found out how long labour could be he decided he didn't want everyone calling every few minutes for an update.
Posted 07 September 2013 - 10:40 AM
Sorry your husband does not understand your wishes OP.
I said to my DH I didn't want to tell anyone when the times comes to go into hospital and they have to be invited to see the baby.
As it happens I had a emerg-c and my baby was rushed to the NICU. I didn't get to see him for 8 hours. It was a very traumatic time and I didn't want people around whilst I was trying to establish feeding and I had a catheter in.
You need to stand your ground and tell him this is how it's happening. If someone other than my DH had held my baby before me I would have been so upset.
Talk to your ob/midwife and explain the situation. I am sure they will be accommodating. We had heaps of people angry at us as we insisted that they had to wait for us to get home before they say him.
I still stand by that we did the best thing for our family during that very stressful period.
Good luck. I really hope you get the birth outcome that YOU want.
Eta: I totally agree with Rosiebird. It is totally different when it is not your family. There is no way in hell I would have had my newborn baby taken away from me.
Edited by Drakk, 07 September 2013 - 10:43 AM.
Posted 07 September 2013 - 10:44 AM
You need to stop second guessing yourself- you are perfectly well allowed to have/not have people visiting, and it is not being unreasonable to have strong feelings about this.
The trick is how to get your husband to respect your wishes over those of his mother.
I think you could ask your obstetrician or midwife to tell your husband that you need privacy and do not want visitors until you are up and dressed. My obstetrician outrightly told my DH that he will be a father and needs to support his wife in the perinatal period, no matter how unreasonable my wishes may seem, and there is time to have extended family involved later. My Dh ignored obstetrician and midwife advice, though.
You could also negotiate this down to MIL is allowed to come in for 5 mins to see the baby, but then needs to leave.
I had a huge roaring fight with inlaws on Day 2 post vaginal delivery. By the time baby no. 2 came around, we were all trained up and I trusted DH and in laws to respect my wishes and we all reached a mutual agreement.
Posted 07 September 2013 - 10:46 AM
Tell your DH you don't want any visitors on the day. Then tell your MiL that you hope she doesn't mind not visiting until the day after, that you want some time alone with the baby.
Sometimes you just need to take your mum balls out and put your foot down! It's your body, your surgery, your decision.
Posted 07 September 2013 - 10:48 AM
Could you put it to your DH as some 'bonding' time for the three of you immediately after the birth, with no-one else around, and then you can announce to everyone and advise them to come in at the next visiting hours (perhaps the next day)? Put it to him as a special time for the three of you to share and focus on each other, and that you need the time for him to help you recover from the CS without everyone crowding around?
I understand entirely how you feel and don't think you're overreacting at all. Fortunately my DH is on board and everyone has been told not to even bother coming to the hosp until we've announced his birth, then they can come in at the next visiting hours.
Good luck, I hope you get it sorted..
Posted 07 September 2013 - 11:02 AM
Oh God, if this is the problems your having now, I hate to think what it's going to be like raising your child with your DH and in laws. Your DHs loyalty and thoughts need to be with you and what you need at this time, and to be honest all the time. The needs of his family come second. Has no one told him what a marriage means? How strong you are now will set the tone for everything to come. Look after yourself now, your time with your baby after birth is so important, not just from a physical perspective but also from an emotional one. It can affect how you feel about the birth, yourself, your baby and generally how well you cope. Your baby deserves a happy mum that feels some sense of control. Your MIL should be supporting her son to make you his wife as happy as possible. Why more MILs don't understand that this is the key to a happy relationship witn their DIL is beyond me.
Posted 07 September 2013 - 09:17 PM
Thanks for all your answers. I already moved the date forward once because DH told everyone, but then MIL was sitting next to me during the CGT when the doc confirmed the new earlier date. I will now be exactly 39 weeks on c date, hospital will only go earlier for medical reasons, i.e. the pre-eclampsia is coming up.
I should have added that if we would be in my country, I also wouldn't tell my parents about dates or labour starting. For the same reasons - I want to have the bonding time, and I know I'm crap after a surgery.
I also have nothing against MIL, I will certainly need her help. I just really don't want the circus in hospital, and want to have some quiet and peace. I still can't sometime believe that I'm even having a baby...
I will try to talk in to the nurses to let no one in unless I give them the ok. I will also try to talk to DH again, he knows I'm feeling really upset about the c-sec too, maybe I can use this as added leverage...
Thanks for all your inputs!
Posted 07 September 2013 - 09:55 PM
if MIL is going to be a foregone conclusion, could you rope her in to being on your side? make her feel she's your confidant and how out of control you feel etc - would she be willing to play the "everyone is to give them 48 hours" matriach kinda role that your DH can't?
Posted 07 September 2013 - 09:58 PM
Midwives are AWESOME at standing firm against family members. they are practiced in it.
Don't TRY to tell them, make sure you do!
Posted 07 September 2013 - 10:31 PM
I get this OP... my first was an emergency c/s after a planned induction - MIL and FIL had known about the induction time, and when DH called to update, and told them I was going in for c/s, they rushed down (I think as much out of concern for me as excitement for the baby). My parents live overseas so were just waiting by the phone for news.
After the c/s, I had to go to recovery and DH was taken back to the room with DD... he didn't know what to do, so he called his parents and they all (MIL, FIL and SIL) had a lovely cuddle with DD before I had ever held her.
I struggled with this for a while, but I think in the end I'm glad that DH had support when he was feeling overwhelmed. He was quite surprised to hear that I was upset about everyone else getting to hold DD before me (as were his family - they really didn't think it would be an issue).
DD2 was a planned c/s, and I made it quite clear to DH that I didn't want people to come in until I was ready. He was happier to have alone time with DD2 while I was in recovery, and we told ILs they could come later in the day.
I really hope your DH can step up and realise how important it is to you! Are he and bub able to be with you in recovery? (different hospitals have different policies). As PPs have said, midwives make pretty good bodyguards for keeping people out.
Posted 08 September 2013 - 12:40 AM
Rosiebird not all my parents where in the country when it happened so I do understand abit about family missing out. I also don't think there is anything wrong with a father arranging a time to take the baby to meet his parents their grandparents. I have read it on here as an option and DH almost did this with DS to someone I wasn't too keen on seeing (and I didn't feel like walking around the hospital anyway and they didn't want to come to the mat ward)
OP if your MIL and SIL are like me they may find it hard to understand your view (I look crap in my photos some people may have thought I was wanting it all to end - I was just exhausted but enjoyed it at the same time, watching him meet my family and DH's family) so if you have a good relationship with them try and talk about it upfront.
Posted 11 September 2013 - 04:30 PM
Sorry, not from your DIG but please stand up for what you want out of your birth.
I had a few disagreements with my DH about calling people to tell them i'm in labour (he thought they should be there and I was denying them) and he even managed to let it slip to MIL, who then let it slip to her optom, who happens to work with my friend... and before long everyone knew that I was being induced that day.
I got phone call after phone call while I was waiting around with nothing happening (with gel up my hoo ha) and my sister heard the doppler and told me that the baby's heartrate was too fast and she should come right away (the nurse said it was fine). I ended up just telling everyone that I was being monitored and going home, and the hospital was running behind schedule so they changed my induction date to the following morning.
I laboured in peace after that and had bubby at 1:16am. We had hours of cuddle time before I called everyone at about 4am/5am to inform them that I had a baby and visiting hours started at 11am.
Frankly, I would have lied if i'd had my baby in visiting hours. And i'd already told DH that if anyone showed up he was to go out and tell them that I wasn't having visitors until 2 or 3 hours after the baby comes. I know it sounds nasty, but those first few hours were really special to us.
Just wanted to add, that she had a baby once too. Another option is that if you talk to her about how important it is to you, she might understand
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