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Sleepover at friend's with single dad


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#1 Guest_LeChatNinjah_*

Posted 28 February 2013 - 09:06 PM

I'm so saddened, and a bit surprised.

DD's best friend's parents are divorced and have been for a few years now.  She's stayed over at the mum's place for sleepovers many times, and best friend has stayed at ours many times.

I was chatting to the dad at a birthday party recently and he said that BF would love to have DD over for a sleepover at his one night, and would that be ok.  I said that it would be fine, but then we both got busy with stuff and it didn't happen.

He texted me the other day inviting DD this weekend, and ended it all apologetically with things like "I understand if you aren't comfortable with it, you haven't seen the house" etc.  That never crossed my mind!

My DP divorced with 2 early teen DD's and had a similar thing - he had to go out of his way (or felt he had to) to explain to sleepover friend parents that he was a single dad and ask if they had any objection.  I don't think any did, but he was clearly told (directly or by implication) by other parents at the school that he really should make that part clear.

This makes me so sad!  It's like the stigma against male teachers, male childcare workers etc.  These dads feel obligated to apologise for being male because society assumes they must be some sort of paedophiles.

Would you give a 2nd thought to a sleepover invitation if it was with a single dad instead of a single mum?  Let's assume for argument's sake that you've known the kid in question for a few years and had heaps of school / social activity interaction with both parents.



#2 SCARFACE CLAW

Posted 28 February 2013 - 09:12 PM

I'd only expect to know the dad as well as any mums for a sleepover. I don't think I'd be uncomfortable unless the dad in question gave me a bad feeling or anything, but that goes for any parent, male or female. How sad sad.gif

#3 mumto3princesses

Posted 28 February 2013 - 09:14 PM

I would give it no more thought than if the friend wanted a sleepover and had a single mum or a mum and a dad.

DD#1 has had a sleepover at a friends house before. The mum was away visiting relatives overseas and it was just the dad. No problem with it at all and more improtantly DD#1 had no problem with it.

#4 RealityBites

Posted 28 February 2013 - 09:14 PM

No problem with it at all.

#5 Funwith3

Posted 28 February 2013 - 09:15 PM

QUOTE (LeChatNinjah @ 28/02/2013, 10:06 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
It's like the stigma against male teachers, male childcare workers etc.  These dads feel obligated to apologise for being male because society assumes they must be some sort of paedophiles.

Would you give a 2nd thought to a sleepover invitation if it was with a single dad instead of a single mum?  Let's assume for argument's sake that you've known the kid in question for a few years and had heaps of school / social activity interaction with both parents.


Is there a stigma against male teachers? I didn't think there was...my DD has had male teachers for two out of her three years of school so far. She actually WANTED the male teachers in both years. I never gave it a second thought.

DD also has a friend with divorced parents. The little girls father has majority custody (for reasons I'm not sure about). DD has slept there many times, and has been to the swimming pool with this friend and her father. The father is a very hands-on dad. I've never worried about it. However, my own parents (now in their 60's) have mentioned several times - "don't you worry about DD going over there, what if the father DID something!!?" It's sad.

#6 Lifesgood

Posted 28 February 2013 - 09:15 PM

To be honest I'm more concerned with my children being old enough to know the difference between acceptable and non-acceptable behaviour (theirs and others) and to be mature enough and strong enough to stand up for themselves if they are compromised in any way, than I am with letting them have a sleepover at the home of a friend and their single male parent (assuming I know the family quite well already).

I suspect my age limit on sleepovers is probably a fair bit higher than the average, so no I wouldn't have a problem with it.

#7 Frockme

Posted 28 February 2013 - 09:22 PM

QUOTE
Would you give a 2nd thought to a sleepover invitation if it was with a single dad instead of a single mum? Let's assume for argument's sake that you've known the kid in question for a few years and had heaps of school / social activity interaction with both parents.


If I'd known them for years and was comfortable with them, then i would give it a second thought, and id probably let them go. If they were someone I'd just met then yes I would give anyone (male or female) a second, third and fourth thought!  

I wouldn't be at all surprised at someone ummming and ahhhing over their child sleeping over at a mans house. Your level of acceptance is personal. So is theirs.  original.gif

The horrid fact of the matter is pedophiles live in the burbs with you and me. Not down dingy lane ways where we would never stray. And the fact the vast majority are men. You can't tell who is one by looking at them, and you never can know someone well enough IMO. So, to be human and normal about it without being neurotic, you have to rely on your instincts and go with your gut.  original.gif  if someone is uncomfortable about it then so be it. They have their reasons. It may have more to do with them than the fellow.

I remember the pressure from the kids in early primary, (like kindly and y1 ) constantly asking for sleepovers. I was so uncomfortable with it, I think they're too young.and we knew no one that well from school. With my next schoolie it'll be a flat out NO. I remember some parents said "were not doing sleep overs this year" and that was that. No argument. I ll be that parent.  original.gif

#8 Soontobegran

Posted 28 February 2013 - 09:22 PM

I would not have a single problem with it providing I knew the family to some extent and that the home was a safe environment. It would be the same for a single mum or a couple.

It is sad that he feels his credibility would probably be questioned by some. He sounds like a really caring person.

#9 TBen

Posted 28 February 2013 - 09:23 PM

QUOTE (FluffyOscar @ 28/02/2013, 09:19 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Of course I'd think twice about my DD having a sleepover at the house of a single dad. How ridiculous.

Don't blame me for feeling that way, blame the men who abuse children and cast doubt on those that never would.


You know there's equal chance of a man with a partner abusing a child right?

#10 BetteBoop

Posted 28 February 2013 - 09:23 PM

QUOTE (LeChatNinjah @ 28/02/2013, 09:06 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
These dads feel obligated to apologise for being male because society assumes they must be some sort of paedophiles.


He actually made an assumption about your thinking and it wasn't a very kind one. I'd be kinda miffed at that stereotyping too.

My rule is no sleepovers at all until DD is old enough to know how to assertively say no and enforce her personal boundaries.

DDs best friend has a single mum and my answer is still no.

#11 OneProudMum

Posted 28 February 2013 - 09:24 PM

I don't know any single dads so I can't really comment.

I let my son stay with his friend and single mum. I trust that she does a better job at parenting than my own husband.

#12 OneProudMum

Posted 28 February 2013 - 09:25 PM

QUOTE (BetteBoop @ 28/02/2013, 10:23 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
He actually made an assumption about your thinking and it wasn't a very kind one. I'd be kinda miffed at that stereotyping too.

My rule is no sleepovers at all until DD is old enough to know how to assertively say no and enforce her personal boundaries.

DDs best friend has a single mum and my answer is still no.


Why does it make a difference if a mum is single or not? I'm miffed!


#13 RealityBites

Posted 28 February 2013 - 09:27 PM

Agree with Bakeorama. Abuse is also sadly more likely to occur WITHIN families.

I have a higher age limit than kindies too, DD started sleepovers at around 8/9. And my DH does most of the care when DD has friends over, because a gaggle of screeching 10yos has me hiding in my bedroom!!

#14 EssentialBludger

Posted 28 February 2013 - 09:28 PM

One of my best friends growing up lived with her dad, I slept there just about every weekend! I don't know if mum ever thought twice about it? I must ask her!

Wouldn't bother me at all, so long as I knew them and was comfortable with my child around them, but the same goes for mums too.

#15 BetteBoop

Posted 28 February 2013 - 09:30 PM

QUOTE (OneProudMum @ 28/02/2013, 09:25 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Why does it make a difference if a mum is single or not? I'm miffed!


It doesn't. I wouldn't allow a sleepover whether there was one bloke or one woman, or one woman and 2 blokes.

I hope she doesn't think I'm saying no because I've got an issue with single mums!






#16 EffiesMum172

Posted 28 February 2013 - 09:30 PM

.

Edited by EffiesMum172, 28 February 2013 - 09:47 PM.


#17 Frockme

Posted 28 February 2013 - 09:30 PM

Glad I'm not the only one thinking  5/6 is too young. I over heard parents at daycare discussing sleepover arrangements for 3 year olds..  unsure.gif

#18 CallMeFeral

Posted 28 February 2013 - 09:30 PM

No, not if I knew them both.

But... and I know this is sexist... if I DIDN'T really know one parent, I would be more uncomfortable if the parent I didn't know was the husband, vs the wife. Like if it was a sleepover and I knew the mum really well and had never met the dad... I'd be more nervous than if I knew the dad really well and had never met the mum.
Not sure why, but I think I would. The thought of an unknown male in the house scares me more than an unknown female.

#19 liveworkplay

Posted 28 February 2013 - 09:30 PM

QUOTE (FluffyOscar @ 28/02/2013, 10:19 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Of course I'd think twice about my DD having a sleepover at the house of a single dad. How ridiculous.

Don't blame me for feeling that way, blame the men who abuse children and cast doubt on those that never would.


What about the women that do?

OP, No, It wouldn't matter if it were a single parent (mum or Dad) as long as I knew them enough to allow a sleep over (my kids are still young)

I remember a classic EB discussion once about someone being incensed because her child was on a play date and the mum left the dad in charge and didn't inform her that she (the mum) would not be there 100% of the time. It's really sad.

#20 OneProudMum

Posted 28 February 2013 - 09:34 PM

My best friend was raised by her dad  wub.gif
We spent every weekend at each other's homes.
I doubt my parents ever thought twice. I certainly didn't. He was great.

#21 Guest_LeChatNinjah_*

Posted 28 February 2013 - 09:37 PM

Wow.  Am just on the phone to DP telling him about this topic, and he just told me that when his girls were at their local private school that did student exchange with a school in Bali that he was not allowed to host a student.  Single mothers were allowed, married couples were allowed.  Single fathers weren't

Wow.



#22 SylviaPlath

Posted 28 February 2013 - 09:38 PM

QUOTE (Bake-o-rama @ 28/02/2013, 10:23 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
You know there's equal chance of a man with a partner abusing a child right?


Correct in that married/partnered men can abuse too, however as someone else stated, more opportunities, less to zero accountability if you are the only adult in the house.




#23 **Marni**

Posted 28 February 2013 - 09:39 PM

Sadly there have been many cases of children being abused at sleepovers when there are two parents present (and one sleeping in the other room at the time - and the abuser isn't always the man.) So until I see concrete evidence that single dads are more likely to commit abuse I won't discriminate. I don't believe in persecuting all men because SOME are pedophiles. Some women are too.

I'd be fine with it so long as I knew the parent (mum or dad, whichever parent will be there) well. I'd also not be allowing sleepovers until my children were old enough to assertively say no and enforce their personal boundaries too. More like 10/11 for me personally.


#24 Guest_LeChatNinjah_*

Posted 28 February 2013 - 09:41 PM

My DD is 8, for the record, if that makes any difference.


#25 VJs Mummy

Posted 28 February 2013 - 09:53 PM

ohmy.gif  I would not have a problem with it at all
I have a couple of friends who were raised by their dad and i dont think my parents ever gave it a 2nd thought when i had sleep overs

MY DS is 7 will be 8 at the end of the year,  He hasnt had a sleep over as yet lots of asking we are in the process of organising one yes single dad
When my in future daughter starts to have sleep overs i will have no problem with her staying at a friends with single dad




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