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#1 jessiesgirl

Posted 28 February 2013 - 03:14 PM

My DD is in FYOS and is at a single sex private school. She has an ASD and we thought the school we chose would be a better environment for her than the local primary school where I originally intended to send both children.  DS will be FYOS in two years and I don't particularly want to send him private (he so far seems neurotypical) and would prefer the local primary school, which is fine btw.

I was always thinking private schools for secondary if that looked like it would suit them, so there is a possibility DS will end up at private secondary in the long run.  

WDYT think about sending DS to the local school - am I setting myself up for a lifetime of resentment from him, or will people wonder why we are doing it that way?  I am sensitive on the last point as we are not free and open with DD's diagnosis.  Thanks for any thoughts.

#2 GoneWithTheWhinge

Posted 28 February 2013 - 03:22 PM

I think you need to do whatever is best for each child's needs and if that means they are in different schools then that is what you should do to maximise each child's potential.

And if anyone questions you, you simply tell them that you have chosen schools based on the best learning environment for each child. If they have an issue with it, it is just that THEIR issue.

Obviously you can explain to your son that DD's school is better set up for her ASD and his school is better for him as I presume long term he will be aware of her diagnosis.

#3 Fluster

Posted 28 February 2013 - 03:25 PM

My sister whinged something fierce to my father about having to go to a public school, so he offered to send her to a great private school.  I only found out about this years later, after both of us managed to survive the wretched public school experience  rolleyes.gif  I wasn't even slightly resentful my father made the offer to her and not I.

#4 madmother

Posted 28 February 2013 - 03:36 PM

I was never adverse to sending my boys to different schools if necessary. They are only 1 grade apart in schooling so it would have been obvious.

They are both at the small private school, DS2 actually won a part scholarship - but we still gave him the option to go to the public school if he wished.

In other words - do what is best for the individual child.

#5 jessiesgirl

Posted 28 February 2013 - 03:39 PM

QUOTE (GoneWithTheWhinge @ 28/02/2013, 04:22 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Obviously you can explain to your son that DD's school is better set up for her ASD and his school is better for him as I presume long term he will be aware of her diagnosis.

Yes he will be of course and it shouldn't make a difference to him, you're right.  I guess I am worried more about what other people might think.

ETA, madmother I think if I had another girl I would feel I had to choose the same school.

Edited by jessiesgirl, 28 February 2013 - 03:43 PM.


#6 Chief Pancake Make

Posted 28 February 2013 - 03:46 PM

In primary school I don't think your DS would care.   Assuming he knows about DD , tell him she needs to go to that school becuase she needs help with x.   As for other people they will prbably wonder, but they can mind thier own business.

#7 amaza

Posted 28 February 2013 - 04:02 PM

I have DS1 in a private school and DS2 in the local primary school. So far DS2 can't get into the private school and is on a priority waiting list but has been on that for years.

I have already made up my mind that if DS2 isn't offered a place at the private school ready for next year (2nd year of school) he will stay at the public school and I will place his name on private high school waiting list.

The children are only 18 months apart and don't seem to mind that they go to different schools. Neither of them has mentioned it. Other people mention it whenever they find out but only because it's fairly unusual I think. I only ever mind the different schools when I have to do the double drop off in the mornings so get 2 lots of school traffic but I am sure that in time there will be also be a clash of events and that may be a bit frustrating too.

Unfortunately in our situation I believe that DS2 would benefit more from the private school and DS1 would probably do well anywhere he was put. For my own personal reasons I never wanted a child of mine in a public school for primary and then private for high school but the public high schools in our area do not have the greatest reputations so DS2 may end up doing exactly what I didn't want anyway. I love DS1s school so he will never be taken out of it as long as I have a say.

At the end of the day your children are yours and you make the best decisions for them. If you think they suit different schools then do it.

#8 gizboo

Posted 28 February 2013 - 04:03 PM

I would rather all my children go to the same school, esp if I was happy with where my eldest child was going, admit mostly out of convenience  wink.gif
If there ever came a point where it was obvious one of my children wasn't thriving in the school choice we'd made, I'd explore other options for that child then.

#9 CountryFeral

Posted 28 February 2013 - 04:06 PM

I went private, my sister went public - in our case as my parents had both to compare they eventually yanked me out of my school and I finished off high school public as well.

My sister was not at all resentful. In fact she was relieved she didn't have to go through what I did!

DP went private (and very expensive) his brother and two step brothers went public - I think there might be some resentment there but that would be how DP is generally treated as the 'golden child' to their detriment rather than just the school thing.

A very close friend is from a family of three the two eldest went to one of the roughest public schools in the state, the youngest to one of the poshest all girl private (as a boarder).

They know why - they don't care - the fact that they are both more financially successful than she might help too!

If you are a petty person who searches for reasons to be resentful you will find them wherever you look.. if you are not you won't.

#10 Lillifee

Posted 28 February 2013 - 04:11 PM

Can I ask, what is an ASD?

#11 jessiesgirl

Posted 28 February 2013 - 04:14 PM

QUOTE (Lillifee @ 28/02/2013, 05:11 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Can I ask, what is an ASD?

Autism spectrum disorder

#12 Lillifee

Posted 28 February 2013 - 04:19 PM

QUOTE (jessiesgirl @ 28/02/2013, 05:14 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Autism spectrum disorder


Ah, makes sense, I have just been told my son had an ASD, but it is a heart defect and wasn't sure how it was relevant here. Sorry to go off the subject.

#13 Raisinette

Posted 28 February 2013 - 04:20 PM

My two DDs go to the local catholic primary school.  Last year was the FYOS for my DS, he speech problems and attends a language development Centre about 20 minutes away from his sisters school.

He is in his 2nd year there now and very happy.  He will eventually return to mainstream primary school for year 2 but we aren't sure yet if that will be the local primary school or one of the local state schools.  

My ds and dd have very different needs at the moment and we are ok with them being at different schools if that is what is best for them.

People from DDs school ask me how he is going and what year he is in, I simply say he is in PP but not at this school.  I get some questioning looks.  Depending on who it is asking, sometimes I explain about his speech, sometimes I just say what school he is at and sometimes I just ignore the looks and give no further information.

You need to do what is right for your dd and your family, do not worry what other people say or think.  People always have opinion on something you are doing.  


I think if I were your son, the only time I would feel resentful was if dd got to go on some big travel adventure or something at school and I didn't ;p
cool.gif

Good luck with your descision.

#14 baddmammajamma

Posted 28 February 2013 - 04:32 PM

I think it's great that you are thinking about your children's respective needs in picking schools for each of them.

I can imagine that you might get questions -- perhaps some from "nosey poseys" ("Doesn't your son mind that his sister is at private school and he isn't?!") and some from good intentioned people who might just be trying to strike up conversation ("How did you decide on Girlsville for your daughter?")

A short, non defensive answer would probably be your best bet (though you might still get some people who won't be satisfied with that. Screw 'em!) wink.gif

I can totally understand why an individual family might not choose to be "free and open" about their child's ASD, as being open is not without potential risks. However, one thing we have discovered is that by being open and just very matter-of-fact about our daughter's ASD, it does tend to cut down on the irritating lines of questioning and people making incorrect assumptions.

Hope that your daughter is enjoying school!

#15 Ferelsmegz

Posted 28 February 2013 - 04:33 PM

My DS is ASD and due to this and other issues with the public school he was in we decided to change him to a private school.

Initally they didnt have a place for my DD (who is neurotypical) but when we went in for the interview they said that a place for her had come up.

At the time however I was fine with having them go to different schools as she wasnt having any issues with the school.

I guess its up to you.. at the end of the day im glad they are going to the same school now as they were/are able to support each other with the experiance.

#16 MidnightDad

Posted 28 February 2013 - 05:02 PM

QUOTE (jessiesgirl @ 28/02/2013, 04:14 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
- am I setting myself up for a lifetime of resentment from him, or will people wonder why we are doing it that way?

Lifetime of resentment? (cough) Once he hits the teenage years he wont need a good reason to resent you, if thats what he wants he will take any reason he can find. In fact his teen radar will been more than capable of pinpointing the very thing you feel most vulnerable about, whatever it is at that time. By the time he becomes an adult he will either grow out of it or not.

Will people wonder why? Absolutely they will. The question is what kind of a life are you going to have and portray to your children as they grow if you spend yours overly concerned about what other people think about you and your family choices?

#17 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 28 February 2013 - 05:07 PM

I went to a public school and my brother went to a private school. Brother changed schools during high school to the private one. Mum gave me the option but I chose a packet of biscuits insteads.

I don't think anyone has ever questioned it except for mum's friend who says "look how well Sunnycat could have done with herself if she went to private school"

FWIW my brother went to uni, whereas I've always worked and we've both ended up working for the public sector in almost similar roles, except I am a higher level than him.

Edited by Sunnycat, 28 February 2013 - 06:28 PM.


#18 courtney-b

Posted 28 February 2013 - 05:15 PM

Just be honest with your reasons if someone asks - something along the lines of 'We have always been open to choosing the environment that is the best fit for each of our children, and we recognise that our children are likely to thrive in different types of schools, so this is what we have chosen.' No need to get into specifics. If they ask about resentment etc, just say you hope that your children will appreciate that you have taken the time to pick what is best for them, not just what is best for their sibling.


#19 epl0822

Posted 28 February 2013 - 05:40 PM

Maybe you can clarify with both children at the same time that private does not mean =better school (which is absolutely true). Give specific examples of why each school is better for the individual child. I don't think it's a big issue at all.

#20 somila

Posted 28 February 2013 - 05:41 PM

The question implies that any private school your son went to would be "better" which is not necessarily the case.

Do what is right for your family.  If your son is happy at school he won't care that it isn't a private one.  Who knows, he might even end up a proud and successful graduate of the public school system. original.gif

Edited to say "Snap" PP.

Edited by somila, 28 February 2013 - 05:42 PM.


#21 mpoppins92

Posted 28 February 2013 - 06:51 PM

That was set to happen with my brother and I, we were both in private school. Brother wanted to do 2 days tafe 3 days school to get an apprenticeship, so he had to go public as he had to go to a school that offered that.

I was much more academic and my mum thought staying private would be better for me as I had my sights on uni. I was set to move to a different private school with really good choices for beginning of year 10 and all of a sudden my place was gone. School said if I waited 3 weeks a new place would come up.

In the meantime I was sent to my brothers school for 3 weeks, and I liked it so much I stayed. My brother was not even a little bit resentful. We were two totally different people heading in two opposite directions. All my mums decisions made sense to my brother. Oddly enough though, public school suited me so I went to uni from my rough as guts public school instead, happy as Larry! (saved my mum a bunch too)  wink.gif

#22 jessiesgirl

Posted 28 February 2013 - 07:15 PM

OP here thanks everyone.  I see most people think it OK.

BMJ - bad experiences at kinder (pre-school) have made me defensive about DD's diagnosis but I recognise the value of openness in stopping gossip for sure.

MidnightDad I don't want to give the impression I care what others think of me, because I really don't.  My concern is, are people going to start wondering about my DD and spreading rumours and gossip. My sister has special needs and I remember as a kid the preposterous things people told me their parents said about my sister.  I hear you on the teenage resentment though.

I agree with everyone else that the right school for the child is paramount. I also agree that private doesn't equal better, but worry that the common perception is that that is so and isn't helped by the availability of overseas school trips in private schools etc which in any case DD is unlikely to be going on!  

I admire mpoppins92's mum, I want to be the parent that recognises each child's individual strengths and weaknesses and helps put them on the right path for them, regardless of whether that is the "right path" in the eyes of the world.

#23 mpoppins92

Posted 28 February 2013 - 07:20 PM

She's pretty great original.gif, but it helped that she always spoke to us about it. If anyone had a problem all 3 of us would say "doesn't bother us.." but I have to say nobody ever said anything.

#24 baddmammajamma

Posted 28 February 2013 - 07:28 PM

QUOTE (jessiesgirl @ 28/02/2013, 08:15 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
BMJ - bad experiences at kinder (pre-school) have made me defensive about DD's diagnosis but I recognise the value of openness in stopping gossip for sure.

MidnightDad I don't want to give the impression I care what others think of me, because I really don't.  My concern is, are people going to start wondering about my DD and spreading rumours and gossip. My sister has special needs and I remember as a kid the preposterous things people told me their parents said about my sister.


I am so sorry to hear that you guys had bad experiences at kinder. sad.gif  Makes you wonder about some people, doesn't it??

We've been very fortunate -- we've had overwhelmigly positive responses and widespread support from our "network." However, we did have one really bad experience with one parent in FYOS that*was* enough to shake me out of my naivety. I learned that just because we are open and proud and forthcoming doesn't necessarily mean that the rest of the world is going to respond in kind.

Hope the year is a smooth one for you guys. How does your daughter like school thus far?

#25 jessiesgirl

Posted 28 February 2013 - 07:37 PM

QUOTE (baddmammajamma @ 28/02/2013, 08:28 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I am so sorry to hear that you guys had bad experiences at kinder. sad.gif  Makes you wonder about some people, doesn't it??

We've been very fortunate -- we've had overwhelmigly positive responses and widespread support from our "network." However, we did have one really bad experience with one parent in FYOS that*was* enough to shake me out of my naivety. I learned that just because we are open and proud and forthcoming doesn't necessarily mean that the rest of the world is going to respond in kind.

Hope the year is a smooth one for you guys. How does your daughter like school thus far?

School is going better than I dared hope for!  Classroom teacher, learning support people all excellent, we are really happy with the school so far and DD  seems happier than at kinder.  The structure is good for her.  In this case I feel we are getting our money's worth!




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