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Overheard a conversation UPDATE
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#1 Wise Old Owl

Posted 27 February 2013 - 07:22 PM

Fully deleted now due to this matter being taken higher.

Edited by OneBlueStar, 28 February 2013 - 06:29 PM.


#2 snortle

Posted 27 February 2013 - 07:28 PM

Oh I have no advice unfortunately but I would have been so upset in your shoes.
I probably would have given them a piece of my mind and made some rather stern comments about their (lack of) professionalism.


#3 Silly Sausages

Posted 27 February 2013 - 07:32 PM

Wow OP, I'm surprised you said nothing in defense of your DH.... I understand that you may be concerned about repercussions but I don't think anyone could have had any grounds for self defence had you clearly stated that was unprofessional of them, not to mention downright nasty. Calling people names like shrek, is immature and nasty. I would have said something if I were in your shoes, but I do understand that not everyone likes confrontation. Still, what if it had been about one of your children? Would you have spoken up then?


ETA: if I were in your DH's shoes I would want to know what was going on as hard as it may be to hear. Better that than to be under the illusion they are his friends and thus enable them to make even  more fun of him.

Edited by sillysausages, 27 February 2013 - 07:34 PM.


#4 Lickety Split

Posted 27 February 2013 - 07:34 PM

What sort of gossip was it? Was it to do with his work or was it more personal? Depending on what was actually said I would tell DH. How horrible though sad.gif

#5 lynneyours

Posted 27 February 2013 - 07:34 PM

QUOTE (FluffyOscar @ 27/02/2013, 08:30 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I would tell my DH. Someone has to look out for him. Very sad and highly unprofessional. I'd hate to think your DH assumed he was working with professional people, or people who are his friend, when he's not.


ETA - the bold is mine.  It will be hurtful to hear, but clearly he needs to know NOT to trust or confide in these women at all.

#6 Illiterati

Posted 27 February 2013 - 07:34 PM

I would tell your DH as he will be the only one unaware of the conversation leaving an info gap for him.  

You are partners - you can discuss stuff like this at home - it is known as pillow talk. However, pillow talk remains confidential to the parties involved (you and your DH) which means even if you tell - he cannot mention or act on the information.

#7 bakesgirls

Posted 27 February 2013 - 07:38 PM

I think you should tell your DH. If these people have no issue talking about him with the knowledge that the wife of the subject of their gossip was somewhere in the room, then what on earth are they saying about him to other people? I would worry that what you heard may only be the tip of the iceberg in regards to inappropriate discussions.

I would also worry that what they are saying could negatively impact on how others see him and affect his job prospects in the future. Unfortunately, these people are saying things that others may hear and believe, without having met him personally.

ETA- if it had been me, I wouldn't have just stood there and done nothing. I would have given them both a piece of my mind. They would have been informed, in no uncertain terms how appalling their behaviour was and that it reflects badly on them.

Edited by bakesgirls, 27 February 2013 - 07:55 PM.


#8 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 27 February 2013 - 07:41 PM

I wouldn't tell my DH, mine would be gutted. Tbh I think I would actually complain. Name calling isn't acceptable in a workplace. It's unprofessional and childish. I wouldn't let these people get away with it.

#9 Wise Old Owl

Posted 27 February 2013 - 07:42 PM

QUOTE (Lickety Split @ 27/02/2013, 05:34 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
What sort of gossip was it? Was it to do with his work or was it more personal? Depending on what was actually said I would tell DH. How horrible though sad.gif


The conversation was both professional and personal sad.gif

I did mention to DH that I heard a conversation about him between these two people.  I relayed the part that was mentioned by the person giving the training that related to DH in a professional matter.  

This was when he told me that he thinks highly of both of these people and asked if anything nasty was said about him.  At this stage, knowing how personally he takes on anything like this I said no as I wanted to work out whether or not I was over reacting.  



#10 Wise Old Owl

Posted 27 February 2013 - 07:45 PM

QUOTE (SlowEmotionReplay @ 27/02/2013, 05:34 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I would tell your DH as he will be the only one unaware of the conversation leaving an info gap for him.  

You are partners - you can discuss stuff like this at home - it is known as pillow talk. However, pillow talk remains confidential to the parties involved (you and your DH) which means even if you tell - he cannot mention or act on the information.


By telling him means that he can potentially act on this information which would have a negative impact on these two women involved.

I am not a confrontational person by any means.  I am going there again tonight so not sure whether or not to mention it to someone higher or just speak to DH about it.

sad.gif

#11 Funwith3

Posted 27 February 2013 - 07:46 PM

I think you should tell your DH. Maybe you don't need to tell him word for word (especially the particularly insulting parts), but you should still paint a very clear picture to him. He needs to know not to trust them...

I don't think I could have stood there and listened to people talk about my DH like that, I think I would have interrupted them and given them a piece of my mind. However, I understand why you did let it go - perfect chance to hear someone talking about your husband. Had you interrupted them you wouldn't have heard what they had to say about him!

Also, I think you could mention to the trainer that you couldn't help but hear everything that was said and that it made you feel uncomfortable and that you feel it was very unprofessional, given that she's training new staff. Suggest that if she wants to gossip about staff, she should perhaps do it where others can't hear.

So isn't your DH her boss? I can't understand why she isn't sh*tting herself, knowing that you heard what she said!!!

#12 drowninginlego

Posted 27 February 2013 - 07:51 PM

They don't deserve your protection. As hard as it would be, I'd tell your DH.

FTR - I would have made it known right then and there who I was as soon as I realised they were being nasty.

Your poor DH.

#13 Illiterati

Posted 27 February 2013 - 08:04 PM

Why are you watching their backs and not your DH's?

He does not have to directly act on the info. and in fact he should not.  But it will give him an awareness in his dealings with these staff members.

#14 Mrs Dinosaurus

Posted 27 February 2013 - 08:09 PM

Was the professional stuff good?

If I heard people saying my DH was good at x, y, z but has a big nose so they call him Pinocchio, TBH I'd leave it at that -  but if they call him shrek because he's an ogre rather than green, chubby and smelly, then he needs to know - especially if it's true because it could equally be your DH who needs to alter how he deals with people.

I agree it's unprofessional.

#15 Tiger Lilly

Posted 27 February 2013 - 08:18 PM

I don't think it was appropriate to lie to your DH

#16 sa5ha

Posted 27 February 2013 - 08:23 PM

Tell him.

I'd want to know if I was being talked about by my colleagues and my other half heard.

How unprofessional and silly of them.

#17 Luxe

Posted 27 February 2013 - 08:26 PM

I'd tell him. What if there were other people there who are to eventually work with your DH. They could be effectively tarnishing his reputation unfairly.

You DH also needs to know that these people are two faced and not really his allies. Leave it to him to decide how to handle the information, but he does need to know.

#18 43 other ferals

Posted 27 February 2013 - 08:43 PM

I get that the only person you're trying to protect is your husband...you don't want his feelings to be hurt.

I also am not about to criticise you because you didn't confront them right there and then.  It's very easy to say, "You should have done x, that's what I'd have done."  You're not the one who is at fault here, you were placed in a situation that came as a shock, you were no doubt surprised and hurt and confused.  An attack on one's husband feels like an attack on one's self, really, and can be quite a blow.  We are very protective of those we love.

In your shoes, I'd probably approach both of them individually (in person or writing) and give then a piece of my mind and/or make a formal complaint.  

It does sound like your DH would be crushed.  I'm a sensitive sort of person and I know I would be in that situation.

#19 CallMeFeral

Posted 27 February 2013 - 08:57 PM

QUOTE (bellygood @ 27/02/2013, 09:50 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
If you want to share that advice with your DH as well, with no further detail, then go right ahead eg these two are gossips or whatever. Nothing further needs to be said, the main issue is that they are gossipy and snipey. That's all he (and you) need to know. There's no use getting into a 'he said, she said' type detail thing. It's enough to know they are not to be trusted not to gossip.


Yep I think this. Warn him that they are gossippey and two faced - no need to tell him the details about himself, poor guy sad.gif

#20 PurpleWitch

Posted 27 February 2013 - 09:12 PM

I'd go above their heads and complain about their professionalism.

I'd also tell my husband. And then let him sack them Tounge1.gif

#21 JustBeige

Posted 27 February 2013 - 09:23 PM

I agree with Bellygood.

The other alternative is to make an appointment with your HR manager (so going over the trainers head) and complain about their lack of professionalism.  This would depend on what was said and why though.

For example - if they called him Shrek because he's a mongrel to work for / with, then I would think twice about telling him, mainly because its no good passing on this info without any examples to back it up and they are going to have enough conflict when they start working together anyway.

If they were talking about physical appearance or intelligence and being disparaging and nasty then I probably wouldnt say anything to him either (doesnt impact their working relationship and only hurts him) but I would make a complaint to the HR manager about it.

If you do make a HR complaint, write down the facts and what was stated etc so you have it clearly in your head when you talk to someone about it.

#22 sāta kōrsa

Posted 27 February 2013 - 09:48 PM

QUOTE (moss @ 27/02/2013, 10:40 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I would tell your DH word-for-word. He trusts them when he should be watching out for them.

Absolutely agree.  I would tell DH because he has the maturity to not react in a childish way no matter how hurt he was, and he has the right to know who of his colleagues are genuine and who are laughing at him behind his back.  If it was my DH, he wouldn't confront them but would be grateful to know where he really stood.

OP, imagine your DH in the future trusting these people, confiding in them or organising a get together and happily inviting his 'friends'.  

He needs to know.

#23 Diana_Barry

Posted 27 February 2013 - 09:58 PM

Horrible situation, OP. I'd be so upset. It makes your DH seem so vulnerable that he likes & respects there people, & they're being so nasty behind his back. I wouldn't tell my DP either, right or wrong.

I reckon they probably forgot that you were going to be there & would have been utterly mortified when your identity was revealed. Maybe too embarrassed to apologise or hoping you hadn't heard or understood?

If you will be seeing them again on your own & had the courage, you might say that you overheard the conversation & found it very disappointing, since your DH has always spoken highly of them. Retains his professionalism, gives them an opportunity to apologise to you & hopefully think twice before behaving so unprofessionally next time.

#24 The Old Feral

Posted 27 February 2013 - 10:05 PM

Sounds to me like they wanted you to hear it.

#25 Feralishous

Posted 27 February 2013 - 11:55 PM

QUOTE (sillysausages @ 27/02/2013, 05:32 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Wow OP, I'm surprised you said nothing in defense of your DH.... I understand that you may be concerned about repercussions but I don't think anyone could have had any grounds for self defence had you clearly stated that was unprofessional of them, not to mention downright nasty. Calling people names like shrek, is immature and nasty. I would have said something if I were in your shoes, but I do understand that not everyone likes confrontation. Still, what if it had been about one of your children? Would you have spoken up then?


ETA: if I were in your DH's shoes I would want to know what was going on as hard as it may be to hear. Better that than to be under the illusion they are his friends and thus enable them to make even  more fun of him.

I agree with this




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