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Insisting a child should be invited to your own child's party?


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#1 balletmum

Posted 26 February 2013 - 08:46 PM

We are currently putting together my daughter's birthday party list. I have let her have a large party this year for her 12th as she'd rather have a smaller one for her 13th. The problem is with the kids that are left out.

I do believe at her age DD should be able to choose who comes to her own party, but at the same time I personally feel it seems incredibly wrong if only 2 girls are not invited from the entire grade 6 year girls. (about half the boys are being invited also) She does not play with these girls at all, and I don't think they are interested in playing with her either, but she was friends with the girls in the past. I can't help but think they would still be upset just by being left out regardless of the fact they probably wouldn't mind if it was a smaller party. Unfortunately DD can't see this as she is incredibly confident and has not let being left out ever bother her.  She is starting to go through that stage of wanting to have some independence in choices she makes. She said it was her party so she should be able to chose who she wants, and she doesn't think she should need to invite kids that she never plays with.

I do want to state that my daughter is a very good and nice girl.. but she has to give in on so many things due to her brother having autism, so she is being extra determined that her party is just as she wants it to be as it is something that is just about her.

I want her to have a wonderful party... I just don't want her to be left with regrets or bad feelings after the party is over.

What do you think? Would you insist your child invite the girls in this situation due to fairness or let them make their own choice?

Thanks

#2 fairymagic

Posted 26 February 2013 - 08:51 PM

Having a son that last year was one of those two kids that missed out on being invited, I would invite them. I guess what your daughter says is true - it is her party but if it were my daughter, I would insist she invite those two girls. They may decide not to attend at all anyway. I think if she had not invited say 5 or 10 of the Yr 6 girls then leaving a few out is okay but to leave only two out - I think thats a bit unfair.

#3 -*meh*-

Posted 26 February 2013 - 08:52 PM

these children are 12/13... if they aren't her friends then why should she invite them.

if she was in junior primary then i would say all of the class but not at this age.

#4 Fr0g

Posted 26 February 2013 - 08:55 PM

Not at this age, harsh as that may sound.

#5 epl0822

Posted 26 February 2013 - 08:59 PM

You want her to invite the two girls to avoid hurting their feelings. How welcome do you think your daughter would make them feel if she were forced to invite them because her mother said so?

Have a conversation about how she might feel if she were the only one left out of a party. Encourage her to think about it. And if afterwards she insists on excluding the girls, it's her choice. Maybe you could also encourage her to be considerate in her exclusion of the girls (eg not talking about the party in front of the two girls), but make it her choice and consequences. These years are good practise years to develop her own sense of right and wrong.

#6 i-candi

Posted 26 February 2013 - 08:59 PM

QUOTE (FrogIsAFrogIsAFrog @ 26/02/2013, 09:55 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Not at this age, harsh as that may sound.



Have to agree...


I have a son that is 'one of those kids' that is never invited and a daughter that is 'invited to everything'. at 12 they need to invite who they want. DD would invite all the boys and pick and choose the girls even though in the past they have been friends. DD has more friends that are boys.

#7 Feral Nicety

Posted 26 February 2013 - 09:00 PM

How socially successful are the two girls she wants to not invite?  If they are the social pariah type, I'd be insisting she talked to me about compassion and kindness and is she really wanting to be the person who is OK with being unkind?

Inviting them is unlikely to wreck her party.  At 13, if they are being socially ostracised or are the odd ones out, it could be a huge issue for them.

#8 fairymagic

Posted 26 February 2013 - 09:01 PM

In Yr 6 they would be more likely 11 or 12 wouldn't they. Im probably a little more sensitive than most on this type of thing. My DS was not part of the "popular" group in Yr 7 last year (that is our last year of Primary School here in SA). There were a couple of parties where all but 2 or 3 boys got invited and my son was one of them - all because he pretty much socialises with whomever is playing the game he wants to play at lunch. As a parent, I wouldn't have allowed my child to exclude only one or two children - if it were probably four or five left out I think I could do it and in my son's case, I don't think he would have minded. When one boy in particular (his ex best friend) from his school basketball team had a party and invited the whole team except my son and another boy the birthday boy had a falling out with, my son was so upset. For a week we had him questioning why he didn't have any friends.

I guess it is up to you as the parent and how much of a battle your DD is putting up by you asking her to invite these girls.

#9 cira

Posted 26 February 2013 - 09:01 PM

I'd make my kid invite them - how would having two extra guests spoil her party? On the other hand the non-invitation could really spoil these kids day/week/month depending on how sensitive they are.

#10 CupOfCoffee

Posted 26 February 2013 - 09:01 PM

I would make her invite the two.  

I would ask her to imagine herself as one of the two girls and if my child still complained, I would ask them how she is planning on funding the party.  


#11 Feral WibbleWobble

Posted 26 February 2013 - 09:01 PM

Her party, her choice.

I think it would be worse to invite them and risk them(potentially) being ignored by the other party goers because they are not a part of their group of friends, or finding out they were only invited because the birthday girls mum wanted them there, not the birthday girl.

#12 aprilrain

Posted 26 February 2013 - 09:05 PM

Whole grade as in 30 girls and 15 boys? Would these 2 girls change the tone of the party such as by being overbearing or such? I could understand her reluctance.



#13 elizabethany

Posted 26 February 2013 - 09:10 PM

QUOTE (WibbleWobble @ 26/02/2013, 10:01 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Her party, her choice.

I think it would be worse to invite them and risk them(potentially) being ignored by the other party goers because they are not a part of their group of friends, or finding out they were only invited because the birthday girls mum wanted them there, not the birthday girl.


I don't like the answer, but I think this is spot on.  If your DD was forced to invite them, chances are she will let them know one way or the other by the end of the party, and that is going to be even worse for them.  Tweens are often quite b**chy, so you need to take that into account.

#14 seepi

Posted 26 February 2013 - 09:14 PM

I'd invite them. or giver her the option of inviting less girls. She could leave out , but not 2, that just seems pointed  and mean.

#15 annodam

Posted 26 February 2013 - 09:18 PM

Her party mate, she's old enough to invite whom ever she wants!

#16 unicycle

Posted 26 February 2013 - 09:20 PM

i would always go with the compassionate decision in a situation such as this. But i would try to get to the root of who requires the most compassion in this situation ( your daughter or the girls) and that might take time and detective work.





edited because my response was too obscure

Edited by triumvirate, 26 February 2013 - 09:22 PM.


#17 blenheim

Posted 26 February 2013 - 09:23 PM

I'd make her invite them.  I'm the mum, I have better judgement than someone that age.  End of story.

#18 AngryBird

Posted 26 February 2013 - 09:27 PM

We'd be discussing compassion, kindness, social responsibility and awareness quite a lot I think, and my "unconditional parenting" would find this situation one where I would struggle immensely if she insisted she was not inviting just two girls.
Because I think it is truly an awful, selfish decision and I'd be disappointed if one of my children chose to go ahead with it after realising how unkind it was to do so.

#19 Tammy Swanson

Posted 26 February 2013 - 09:28 PM

I would say at her age let her invite who she wants. Honestly at what age is it appropriate to still shield our kids from this sort of thing?? Plus I think it would be meaner for the girls to be invited and be have to attend a party where they knew they were not overly welcome and clearly would be left out.  Kids needs to learn resilience as how will they survive when they enter the real world and discover that life is not all sweetness and party invites  rolleyes.gif

#20 fancie

Posted 26 February 2013 - 09:31 PM

Yes it's her party, but unless she is paying for it and having the party at a venue (other than her parents house) also paid for by her, then she gets to play by my rules and they are:

- she will not invite all the girls but two - all the girls or only a few.

- as the hostess, she is to be welcoming and inclusive of all her guests, no ifs, no buts.

Edited by fancie, 26 February 2013 - 09:32 PM.


#21 Lori-SBB

Posted 26 February 2013 - 09:34 PM

I would discuss with her why she doesn't want them to be there, there may be a valid reason she wants to leave them out...

DS had 2 boys out of his class he didn't want to invite to his party last year, I thought it was a bit mean to leave 2 out and pushed him to invite them... They ended up spending the entire party picking on other kids and telling DS the activities he had planned were stupid... Really ruined the day for him.



#22 Feral Nicety

Posted 26 February 2013 - 09:35 PM

Some of you are assuming that the invited two girls would attend.  They might not.

I think while you are in the pressurecooker school situation where kids hang out all day together and everyone knows what is happening, I'm about encouraging the compassion in my kids.  Plenty of time for them to do the exclusion thing after they leave school if they are that way inclined.

#23 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 26 February 2013 - 09:40 PM

I would be strongly encouraging my daughter to re-consider her position
QUOTE (balletmum @ 26/02/2013, 08:46 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I do believe at her age DD should be able to choose who comes to her own party, but at the same time I personally feel it seems incredibly wrong if only 2 girls are not invited from the entire grade 6 year girls. (about half the boys are being invited also) She does not play with these girls at all, and I don't think they are interested in playing with her either, but she was friends with the girls in the past. I can't help but think they would still be upset just by being left out regardless of the fact they probably wouldn't mind if it was a smaller party. Unfortunately DD can't see this as she is incredibly confident and has not let being left out ever bother her. She is starting to go through that stage of wanting to have some independence in choices she makes. She said it was her party so she should be able to chose who she wants, and she doesn't think she should need to invite kids that she never plays with.

Maybe talk with your daughter about how other people may not be as confident as she is and why some people might be upset if they know the whole classful of girls has been invited except for them.  In some ways, it is a point of deliberate social ostracism.

Does she actually hate the girls (for want of a better phase) or is it just a case of out growing the previous close friendship and now can't see the point in hanging out ?  If it's the former, then I think she should invite who she wants.  If it's the former, maybe she just wants to avoid a potentially ugly/awkward situation. If it's the latter, you might stand a chance at getting your daughter to see the other side and realise her party won't be ruined if she invites the 2 extra girls.

QUOTE (CupOfCoffee @ 26/02/2013, 09:01 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I would ask her to imagine herself as one of the two girls and if my child still complained, I would ask them how she is planning on funding the party.

I think this is something the daughter needs to realise on her own.  Otherwise, there would be a good chance that school-yard talk will mean the extra girls will be told that their invitations were forced, are not genuine and in the scheme of things, I think that would be much worse.

QUOTE (triumvirate @ 26/02/2013, 09:20 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
i would always go with the compassionate decision in a situation such as this. But i would try to get to the root of who requires the most compassion in this situation ( your daughter or the girls) and that might take time and detective work.

totally agree with this.

QUOTE (AfroCircus @ 26/02/2013, 09:27 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Because I think it is truly an awful, selfish decision and I'd be disappointed if one of my children chose to go ahead with it after realising how unkind it was to do so.

same here.

But I don't think I would force her to invite the girls, not at the age of 12.

Edited by YodaTheWrinkledOne, 26 February 2013 - 09:41 PM.


#24 Buggylicious

Posted 26 February 2013 - 09:48 PM

Depends on her reasons, when I was in grade 6 there were 2 girls out of the class I wouldn't have wanted at my party. They were b**ches and they would've made my time at my party horrible if their mothers had forced them to go.

At some point kids have to start making their own choices and kids have to start learning about disappointment.

#25 MrsBouquet

Posted 26 February 2013 - 09:49 PM

I would let her make her own decisions on this one. I think she is old enough. (then again I have never insisted to my kids who they must invite to their birthdays)




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