Jump to content

Insisting a child should be invited to your own child's party?


  • Please log in to reply
131 replies to this topic

#1 balletmum

Posted 26 February 2013 - 08:46 PM

We are currently putting together my daughter's birthday party list. I have let her have a large party this year for her 12th as she'd rather have a smaller one for her 13th. The problem is with the kids that are left out.

I do believe at her age DD should be able to choose who comes to her own party, but at the same time I personally feel it seems incredibly wrong if only 2 girls are not invited from the entire grade 6 year girls. (about half the boys are being invited also) She does not play with these girls at all, and I don't think they are interested in playing with her either, but she was friends with the girls in the past. I can't help but think they would still be upset just by being left out regardless of the fact they probably wouldn't mind if it was a smaller party. Unfortunately DD can't see this as she is incredibly confident and has not let being left out ever bother her.  She is starting to go through that stage of wanting to have some independence in choices she makes. She said it was her party so she should be able to chose who she wants, and she doesn't think she should need to invite kids that she never plays with.

I do want to state that my daughter is a very good and nice girl.. but she has to give in on so many things due to her brother having autism, so she is being extra determined that her party is just as she wants it to be as it is something that is just about her.

I want her to have a wonderful party... I just don't want her to be left with regrets or bad feelings after the party is over.

What do you think? Would you insist your child invite the girls in this situation due to fairness or let them make their own choice?

Thanks

#2 fairymagic

Posted 26 February 2013 - 08:51 PM

Having a son that last year was one of those two kids that missed out on being invited, I would invite them. I guess what your daughter says is true - it is her party but if it were my daughter, I would insist she invite those two girls. They may decide not to attend at all anyway. I think if she had not invited say 5 or 10 of the Yr 6 girls then leaving a few out is okay but to leave only two out - I think thats a bit unfair.

#3 Bob-the-skull

Posted 26 February 2013 - 08:52 PM

these children are 12/13... if they aren't her friends then why should she invite them.

if she was in junior primary then i would say all of the class but not at this age.

#4 Fr0g

Posted 26 February 2013 - 08:55 PM

Not at this age, harsh as that may sound.

#5 epl0822

Posted 26 February 2013 - 08:59 PM

You want her to invite the two girls to avoid hurting their feelings. How welcome do you think your daughter would make them feel if she were forced to invite them because her mother said so?

Have a conversation about how she might feel if she were the only one left out of a party. Encourage her to think about it. And if afterwards she insists on excluding the girls, it's her choice. Maybe you could also encourage her to be considerate in her exclusion of the girls (eg not talking about the party in front of the two girls), but make it her choice and consequences. These years are good practise years to develop her own sense of right and wrong.

#6 i-candi

Posted 26 February 2013 - 08:59 PM

QUOTE (FrogIsAFrogIsAFrog @ 26/02/2013, 09:55 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Not at this age, harsh as that may sound.



Have to agree...


I have a son that is 'one of those kids' that is never invited and a daughter that is 'invited to everything'. at 12 they need to invite who they want. DD would invite all the boys and pick and choose the girls even though in the past they have been friends. DD has more friends that are boys.

#7 Acidulous Osprey

Posted 26 February 2013 - 09:00 PM

How socially successful are the two girls she wants to not invite?  If they are the social pariah type, I'd be insisting she talked to me about compassion and kindness and is she really wanting to be the person who is OK with being unkind?

Inviting them is unlikely to wreck her party.  At 13, if they are being socially ostracised or are the odd ones out, it could be a huge issue for them.

#8 fairymagic

Posted 26 February 2013 - 09:01 PM

In Yr 6 they would be more likely 11 or 12 wouldn't they. Im probably a little more sensitive than most on this type of thing. My DS was not part of the "popular" group in Yr 7 last year (that is our last year of Primary School here in SA). There were a couple of parties where all but 2 or 3 boys got invited and my son was one of them - all because he pretty much socialises with whomever is playing the game he wants to play at lunch. As a parent, I wouldn't have allowed my child to exclude only one or two children - if it were probably four or five left out I think I could do it and in my son's case, I don't think he would have minded. When one boy in particular (his ex best friend) from his school basketball team had a party and invited the whole team except my son and another boy the birthday boy had a falling out with, my son was so upset. For a week we had him questioning why he didn't have any friends.

I guess it is up to you as the parent and how much of a battle your DD is putting up by you asking her to invite these girls.

#9 cira

Posted 26 February 2013 - 09:01 PM

I'd make my kid invite them - how would having two extra guests spoil her party? On the other hand the non-invitation could really spoil these kids day/week/month depending on how sensitive they are.

#10 CupOfCoffee

Posted 26 February 2013 - 09:01 PM

I would make her invite the two.  

I would ask her to imagine herself as one of the two girls and if my child still complained, I would ask them how she is planning on funding the party.  


#11 WibbleWobble

Posted 26 February 2013 - 09:01 PM

Her party, her choice.

I think it would be worse to invite them and risk them(potentially) being ignored by the other party goers because they are not a part of their group of friends, or finding out they were only invited because the birthday girls mum wanted them there, not the birthday girl.

#12 aprilrain

Posted 26 February 2013 - 09:05 PM

Whole grade as in 30 girls and 15 boys? Would these 2 girls change the tone of the party such as by being overbearing or such? I could understand her reluctance.



#13 elizabethany

Posted 26 February 2013 - 09:10 PM

QUOTE (WibbleWobble @ 26/02/2013, 10:01 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Her party, her choice.

I think it would be worse to invite them and risk them(potentially) being ignored by the other party goers because they are not a part of their group of friends, or finding out they were only invited because the birthday girls mum wanted them there, not the birthday girl.


I don't like the answer, but I think this is spot on.  If your DD was forced to invite them, chances are she will let them know one way or the other by the end of the party, and that is going to be even worse for them.  Tweens are often quite b**chy, so you need to take that into account.

#14 seepi

Posted 26 February 2013 - 09:14 PM

I'd invite them. or giver her the option of inviting less girls. She could leave out , but not 2, that just seems pointed  and mean.

#15 annodam

Posted 26 February 2013 - 09:18 PM

Her party mate, she's old enough to invite whom ever she wants!

#16 unicycle

Posted 26 February 2013 - 09:20 PM

i would always go with the compassionate decision in a situation such as this. But i would try to get to the root of who requires the most compassion in this situation ( your daughter or the girls) and that might take time and detective work.





edited because my response was too obscure

Edited by triumvirate, 26 February 2013 - 09:22 PM.


#17 blenheim

Posted 26 February 2013 - 09:23 PM

I'd make her invite them.  I'm the mum, I have better judgement than someone that age.  End of story.

#18 AngryBird

Posted 26 February 2013 - 09:27 PM

We'd be discussing compassion, kindness, social responsibility and awareness quite a lot I think, and my "unconditional parenting" would find this situation one where I would struggle immensely if she insisted she was not inviting just two girls.
Because I think it is truly an awful, selfish decision and I'd be disappointed if one of my children chose to go ahead with it after realising how unkind it was to do so.

#19 Tammy Swanson

Posted 26 February 2013 - 09:28 PM

I would say at her age let her invite who she wants. Honestly at what age is it appropriate to still shield our kids from this sort of thing?? Plus I think it would be meaner for the girls to be invited and be have to attend a party where they knew they were not overly welcome and clearly would be left out.  Kids needs to learn resilience as how will they survive when they enter the real world and discover that life is not all sweetness and party invites  rolleyes.gif

#20 fancie

Posted 26 February 2013 - 09:31 PM

Yes it's her party, but unless she is paying for it and having the party at a venue (other than her parents house) also paid for by her, then she gets to play by my rules and they are:

- she will not invite all the girls but two - all the girls or only a few.

- as the hostess, she is to be welcoming and inclusive of all her guests, no ifs, no buts.

Edited by fancie, 26 February 2013 - 09:32 PM.


#21 Lori-SBB

Posted 26 February 2013 - 09:34 PM

I would discuss with her why she doesn't want them to be there, there may be a valid reason she wants to leave them out...

DS had 2 boys out of his class he didn't want to invite to his party last year, I thought it was a bit mean to leave 2 out and pushed him to invite them... They ended up spending the entire party picking on other kids and telling DS the activities he had planned were stupid... Really ruined the day for him.



#22 Acidulous Osprey

Posted 26 February 2013 - 09:35 PM

Some of you are assuming that the invited two girls would attend.  They might not.

I think while you are in the pressurecooker school situation where kids hang out all day together and everyone knows what is happening, I'm about encouraging the compassion in my kids.  Plenty of time for them to do the exclusion thing after they leave school if they are that way inclined.

#23 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 26 February 2013 - 09:40 PM

I would be strongly encouraging my daughter to re-consider her position
QUOTE (balletmum @ 26/02/2013, 08:46 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I do believe at her age DD should be able to choose who comes to her own party, but at the same time I personally feel it seems incredibly wrong if only 2 girls are not invited from the entire grade 6 year girls. (about half the boys are being invited also) She does not play with these girls at all, and I don't think they are interested in playing with her either, but she was friends with the girls in the past. I can't help but think they would still be upset just by being left out regardless of the fact they probably wouldn't mind if it was a smaller party. Unfortunately DD can't see this as she is incredibly confident and has not let being left out ever bother her. She is starting to go through that stage of wanting to have some independence in choices she makes. She said it was her party so she should be able to chose who she wants, and she doesn't think she should need to invite kids that she never plays with.

Maybe talk with your daughter about how other people may not be as confident as she is and why some people might be upset if they know the whole classful of girls has been invited except for them.  In some ways, it is a point of deliberate social ostracism.

Does she actually hate the girls (for want of a better phase) or is it just a case of out growing the previous close friendship and now can't see the point in hanging out ?  If it's the former, then I think she should invite who she wants.  If it's the former, maybe she just wants to avoid a potentially ugly/awkward situation. If it's the latter, you might stand a chance at getting your daughter to see the other side and realise her party won't be ruined if she invites the 2 extra girls.

QUOTE (CupOfCoffee @ 26/02/2013, 09:01 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I would ask her to imagine herself as one of the two girls and if my child still complained, I would ask them how she is planning on funding the party.

I think this is something the daughter needs to realise on her own.  Otherwise, there would be a good chance that school-yard talk will mean the extra girls will be told that their invitations were forced, are not genuine and in the scheme of things, I think that would be much worse.

QUOTE (triumvirate @ 26/02/2013, 09:20 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
i would always go with the compassionate decision in a situation such as this. But i would try to get to the root of who requires the most compassion in this situation ( your daughter or the girls) and that might take time and detective work.

totally agree with this.

QUOTE (AfroCircus @ 26/02/2013, 09:27 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Because I think it is truly an awful, selfish decision and I'd be disappointed if one of my children chose to go ahead with it after realising how unkind it was to do so.

same here.

But I don't think I would force her to invite the girls, not at the age of 12.

Edited by YodaTheWrinkledOne, 26 February 2013 - 09:41 PM.


#24 Buggylicious

Posted 26 February 2013 - 09:48 PM

Depends on her reasons, when I was in grade 6 there were 2 girls out of the class I wouldn't have wanted at my party. They were b**ches and they would've made my time at my party horrible if their mothers had forced them to go.

At some point kids have to start making their own choices and kids have to start learning about disappointment.

#25 Mrs Bouquet

Posted 26 February 2013 - 09:49 PM

I would let her make her own decisions on this one. I think she is old enough. (then again I have never insisted to my kids who they must invite to their birthdays)




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Tot meets his heroes, falls apart with excitement

Two-year-old Quincy finished his potty training last week, and as part of his reward he was able to meet his idols.

Beautiful in our eyes: Georgia's story

I will never deny the fact that grief has a place when you give birth to a child who brings a set of circumstances very different to what you imagined. Because for nine months, I thought I knew my Georgie.

'It's been phenomenal': widower dad of quads thankful for support

There was nothing Erica and Carlos wanted more than a baby.

Vin Diesel names daughter after actor Paul Walker

The actor said there was "no other person" he was thinking about when he chose the name.

How midwives can help women who experience domestic violence

More than half of women who live with abusive partners experience violence during pregnancy.

Mum describes giving birth during Cyclone Pam

A new mother was told she must flee Port Vila hospital with her baby as Cyclone Pam bore down.

6 signs you're done having babies

There were a few signs I'm never going back to the land of maternity jeans, breast pumps and bassinets.

Marta Dusseldorp reveals breastfeeding cost her an acting job

Australian actress Marta Dusseldorp has revealed she was forced to withdraw from a Sydney Theatre Company production because a director did not approve of her breast feeding.

Female celebs (or their babies) with traditionally male names

Looking for a name that's a little bit different for a girl? Turn to names that have been traditionally used for males, as these celebs (or their parents) did.

'If you're anti-immunisation ... take a look at this picture of my son'

Greg Hughes is "an absolute shell of a man" as he and his wife Catherine struggle to come to terms with the loss of their newborn son Riley to whooping cough.

How an extrovert can raise an introvert

Introverts are often misunderstood as shy, and sometimes even rude. A timid child can be difficult to build rapport with, but it's important we nurture their sensitive natures.

Sheryl Sandberg's advice

'Choreplay': Help out at home to get more sex, Sandberg tells men

Forget foreplay. The new and improved route to intercourse is "choreplay" - it's good for your spouse, good for your house, and comes with the imprimatur of feminist du jour Sheryl Sandberg.

How to play with your baby

The first time your child learns a new skill at playtime is very exciting - for both you and your baby! Play is important to your child's development for a variety of reasons - here are some simple ideas for you to try at home.

I'm a single mother by choice

For me, being the best mother I can be means being a mum alone, at least for now. Thinking of my friends with inadequate partners, I wonder why more people don’t choose single motherhood.

Awkward wedding photos

Weird poses, surprise photobombs, bizarre editing: these are the wedding photos that should have never seen the light of day.

Four-week-old baby Riley Hughes dies of whooping cough

The mother of a four-week-old Perth baby who died after contracting whooping cough says her family has been left devastated by the loss of her "gorgeous, sweet" son.

Win a Ben & Holly's Little Kingdom prize pack

To celebrate the April 1 release of Holly's Magic Wand on DVD and Digital, we are giving away five DVD packs featuring the newest installment of Ben & Holly's Little Kingdom Holly's Magic Wand and many more hours of family entertainment! Enter Now!

Oh boy! Video shows family's reaction to baby surprise

Little Peyton Williams thought she was getting a baby sister named Charlee. But the two-year-old has had to settle for a doll dressed in pink after her baby "sister" turned out to be a boy.

How to help build up your baby's immune system

We all know that having a strong immune system is the best way to stay healthy – but what can we do to help it along?

'Nick, you need to call an ambulance': home birth mum's tragic death

A Melbourne mum who died after the home birth of her baby pleaded with her husband to call an ambulance because she felt she was going to die, the Victorian Coroners Court has heard.

When dads believe their baby doesn't 'like' them

Q: My two-month-old baby doesn't like me. He's perfectly content with my wife, but when I try to hold him, he gets upset and cries. I've backed off a little, thinking that he just needs a little time to get used to me, but that doesn't seem to be working. I'm starting to think I'm just not a very good dad. Is it too late for me to build a relationship with my baby?

When was the last time a stranger praised your parenting?

Wouldn’t it be great to get some nice feedback every now and then? After all, everyone likes to hear positive praise, particularly when it comes to parenting.

Special Ticket Offer, Save $8!

The Essential Baby & Toddler Show is back this April! Save $8 off the door price for a limited time only!

15 names on the verge of extinction

If you're looking to revive an older name, or don’t want anything near the top 1000 list, check out these rare monikers for your unique baby.

5 characteristics of great dads

It’s great to see a generation of dads who are more actively involved with caring, nurturing and loving their kids.

Why doesn't Australia have more breast milk banks?

When there’s no question that milk banks are important, why don’t we have more of them in Australia?

Carrie Bickmore announces birth of daughter

Television personality Carrie Bickmore has given birth to her second child.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Sign up to our 30 days of #PlayIQ challenge

Sign up to receive 30 amazing tips and ideas for play with baby during the month of April and submit a picture or tip on our social wall for a chance to win an amazing Fisher-Price prize pack.

Man faces jail after giving woman abortion pill smoothie

A Norwegian man is facing jail after putting abortion pills in his ex-girlfriend's smoothie, causing her to have a miscarriage.

'He's a blessing': family of baby born without eyes

Jordy Jackson was born without eyes. He has anophthalmia, which affects one in every 100,000 babies born.

Win one of 5 Cadbury Easter Hampers

With Easter fast approaching, Cadbury are giving away 5 Cadbury Easter Hampers. Enter Now!

Super fit model Sarah Stage defends her pregnancy body

Model Sarah Stage has defended her pregnancy body after critics claimed her slim figure at eight-and-a-half months pregnant wasn't "normal".

Win a Ben & Holly's Little Kingdom and Peppa Pig prize pack

To celebrate the April 1 release of Holly's Magic Wand on DVD and Digital, Essential Baby and Entertainment One are giving away five bumper DVD packs featuring the newest installment of Ben & Holly's Little Kingdom Holly's Magic Wand and many more hours of family entertainment! Enter Now!

Why I post breastfeeding photos online

I love to take pictures of my children. In some of the pictures, my younger son is nursing.

The day I broke my baby

There are things I wish I didn't know. I wish I didn't know that companies make tiny braces, small enough to hold necks no bigger than a wrist.

The place just for dads of multiples

When a couple discovers they're expecting multiples, the dad can sometimes be almost forgotten in all the excitement and preparation. But one group offers a space just for dads of twins and higher-order multiples.

Brave mum calls for domestic violence law reform

A brave mum of two has shared details of the harrowing attacks she suffered at the hands of her partner in a bid to help other victims of domestic violence.

Why I had the new test for Down syndrome

Early last year I turned 35, and having just found out I was pregnant, I opted to have the new test for Down syndrome.

Geeky baby gear

If your family is more into Star Wars, gaming and the periodic table than most, you might want to check out these geek-chic baby items.

2015: the year of the sheep

According to the Chinese zodiac, babies born in the year of the sheep are creative and enjoy spending quiet time with their own thoughts.

Breakthrough genetic testing now available in Australia

Pregnant women will for the first time have access to locally analysed, accurate, non-invasive pre-natal genetic testing when the first Australian clinic to offer the services opens its doors next week.

Grandbabies: the babies born looking old

Not a day under 65 and a lifetime of struggle! That's the look of these newborns, who look adorably older than their real age. Social networking site Reddit recently featured user submissions of adorable grandbabies, here are our favourites.

Family kicked off flight after toddler seatbelt drama

An entire family was kicked off a Cathay Pacific flight when a misbehaving toddler refused to put his seatbelt on.

Stolen baby found after 17 years

A baby stolen from her mother's arms shortly after birth has been found through an astonishing coincidence.

53 creative pregnancy announcements

Announcing that you're expecting can be a time to express your creativity, sense of humour and imagination. Check out how other parents and parents-to-be have broken the news to friends and family.

IKEA hacks for the nursery and kids' rooms

Are you one of those that know the whole IKEA catalogue by heart? Love their stuff but want to personalise it? Here's some inspiration to help you realise the potential of IKEA furniture and fittings.

36 baby names inspired by food and drinks

A French court may have ruled out Nutella as a baby name, but that doesn't have to stop you from taking inspiration from the supermarket (or bottle shop). See what parents in the US have chosen for their delicious little ones.

Clever breastfeeding products

Check out this range of products designed to help make your breastfeeding journey more enjoyable, manageable and convenient.

 

Sign up now!

30 days of #PlayIQ challenge

Receive a daily email from Essential Baby during April with great play tips and ideas, then submit your baby at play photos to our Playwall, Instagram or Twitter for your chance to win.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.