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Is this unreasonable?


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#1 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 25 February 2013 - 08:43 PM

We are planning to go to my cousin's wedding in Italy next year. By the time we go we will have an 11 month old and a not quite 3 year old.

Instead of just going to Italy we thought we'd Extend our trip a little bit. We can't take too much time off work but thought we'd do a week in Paris or something as well. We don't want to move around too much as it will be hard with the little kids.

Anyway DH's extended family (an Uncle and Granddad) live in rural Wales. DH has little to do with them. MIL sends photos of DS and regularly talks to them, but DH has absolutely no contact with them, but they feel like they know us because of MIL.

In the past DH's uncle has offered to pay fly us all over there so they can meet DS. So far nothing has ever been organised as DH is useless with plans. However now that MIL knows we are going over to Europe, we are expected to go and see the relatives and stay with them. To get to this village is an hour flight and then a 3-4 hour drive. The train takes even longer to get there. DH has said we don't have to go for long and can stay overnight, but realistically we would have to stay for longer. The Uncle wouldn't be paying for us to fly over for this trip (and I wouldn't want him to as we are going for the wedding).

We didn't want to do too much traveling with small kids, but this visit is going to be a trek and now we are going to have to cut our plans short to accommodate them. They said they will pay for our transport over there but I'm not worried about the costs more about the time and the epic journey there with 2 small kids. So we will either need to cut our Paris trip short, or not go at all.

I frankly don't want to go, I don't understand why DH can't organize to go at a different time seeing as his Uncle has offered to pay for the flights. I suggested he take DS at Christmas and go then. I don't see why we have to tack a visit on to the end of our trip.

MIL keeps saying that we "can't go all the way to the Northern Hemisphere and not go and see them" but I think this is a bit unreasonable because it's not as if the place we're going to is easy to get to, and DH has nothing to do with his relatives.

Now I admit I'm completely bias since MIL and I have had a falling out, so I thought I'd see what others thought.

Unfortunately his uncle and grandad can't meet us halfway, as his uncle is a quadraplegic and his granddad is nearly 90 and deaf.

Edited by Sunnycat, 25 February 2013 - 08:52 PM.


#2 Juki

Posted 25 February 2013 - 08:48 PM

It is quite a long way for you to travel, maybe meet halfway?

#3 Mischief Managed

Posted 25 February 2013 - 08:48 PM

Ask them to come meet you somewhere - that puts the onus on them and you're not stuck with two days of travelling and stuck with a foreign family original.gif

#4 Jenferal

Posted 25 February 2013 - 08:49 PM

i wouldn't go.
I certainly wouldn't want to drag 2 children so far either.
As to your MiL, well you can tell her you can do whatever the hell you want as you're adults!


#5 katiebear26

Posted 25 February 2013 - 08:49 PM

i would be scared to go to italy in the first place with such little ones!!!

i think it's reasonable, if you only have one spare week, to not travel from italy to wales and back. yes it's not far if you are a backpacker and can get cheap ryanair flights. but you have two little ones to cart along.

can you ask whether they can meet you in paris (maybe taboo if money is tight??)

otherwise maybe say that you'll make it back there when the kids are older and will remember the experience of meeting DH's relatives and you can stay longer to really get to know them, and invite them to australia if they are so inclined.

#6 Cat People

Posted 25 February 2013 - 08:49 PM

I know it's a major PITA, but I believe as it's family you should go.

#7 seaside_feral

Posted 25 February 2013 - 08:49 PM

Could you suggest that DH's uncle come to Paris to meet you? Or somewhere else that would mean you didn't have to leave continental Europe?

#8 Flutters

Posted 25 February 2013 - 08:50 PM

I'd suggest they visit you in Paris

#9 Caseymay

Posted 25 February 2013 - 08:51 PM

If they are not paying for your flights then I don't think you have to see them. I think if you have gone all that way in the first place then perhaps you can send a message saying "we are staying at hotel xxx and would love to see you if you can make the trip". It puts the ball completely in their court and means the travelling is not all on you.

#10 lynneyours

Posted 25 February 2013 - 08:51 PM

Why not email them (or get MIL to) to tell them when and where you are staying in Paris and ask them to meet you there?  

There are cheap flights within Europe, and it would be alot easier to bring 2 adults to Paris (and you) than it would to bring 2 adults and 2 toddlers on an all-day travel journey to see strangers.  

After all that travel, it is unlikely that the kids will be at their best, either.  

Also - stop telling MIL your plans when still in the planning stages.  tongue.gif

#11 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 25 February 2013 - 08:51 PM

Unfortunately his uncle and grandad can't meet us, as his uncle is a quadraplegic and his granddad is nearly 90 and deaf.

Will put this in my OP!

#12 Goggie

Posted 25 February 2013 - 08:52 PM

I agree with you. Traveling with 2 small children will be hard work and you should spend your time and money doing what you both want to do. Paris sounds lovely.

I have some cousins I've met once and my 90 year old grandparents (who were not great parents to my mum) in Italy and if I travelled to Europe, they would not be on my visit list!

#13 PatG

Posted 25 February 2013 - 08:53 PM

If they can afford to offer to fly you to the UK to visit then they should be able to afford to fly to Paris to visit you.

#14 Sunny003

Posted 25 February 2013 - 08:53 PM

It's your DHs uncle, hardly a sibling. Get them to meet you in Paris.

And I come from a large Italian family where everyone is a cousin LOL

#15 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 25 February 2013 - 08:54 PM

QUOTE (lynnemine @ 25/02/2013, 09:51 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Also - stop telling MIL your plans when still in the planning stages.  tongue.gif


I'm not even on speaking terms to my MIL, it's all dH's doing. He tells her everything.

#16 Tammy Swanson

Posted 25 February 2013 - 08:57 PM

Seems I am in the minority. I think you are being unfair as you are travelling half way across the world for something to do with your family but yet can't travel a couple of hours to see your DH family in Wales.

Instead of Paris why don't fly direct to London have a few days there and do a 2/overnight trip to Wales. Just sounds like to me you are not wanting to do it to spite MIL. sorry.

Plus I personally think Paris is very un-family friendly anyway, London is way more fun for kids.

#17 Starrydawn

Posted 25 February 2013 - 08:58 PM

I thought you were going alone? But if your DH is coming I guess I would try and do it as they are family. But if it is simply impossible in the timeframe just explain that your trip is already jam packed and short and you won't make it this time.



#18 unicorn

Posted 25 February 2013 - 08:59 PM

I would go, but for us travelling that distance is a common occurrence so it doesn't seem that far to me, plus I would love to travel around the UK.
Why not rejig your plans and make the most of it? Fly and then spend a day at that destination before driving the 3 to 4 hours, which could be broken up into two days of sight seeing. Or fly and drive for two hours during the course of the day and do the other two hours early the next morning, getting to the family by lunch time, spend the night and leave at lunch time the next day again breaking the drive up if necessary.

#19 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 25 February 2013 - 09:00 PM

QUOTE (Sunnycat @ 25/02/2013, 08:51 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Unfortunately his uncle and grandad can't meet us, as his uncle is a quadraplegic and his granddad is nearly 90 and deaf.

Look given this, I'd probably make the effort to go.  It's not as if your DH will have many opportunities to see his grandfather before he dies.  And if his grandfather wants this, I'd probably suck it up and try to wiggle a few more days of leave to still get the week of Paris in.

And yes, I think you will have to allow a couple of nights in Wales.

More importantly, does your DH want to see his Grandfather and Uncle?  Or does he truly not care less?  In which case, I don't understand why he tells his mother so much ....

QUOTE (Sunnycat @ 25/02/2013, 08:54 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I'm not even on speaking terms to my MIL, it's all dH's doing. He tells her everything.

Lesson learned.  Your DH has to start learning about boundaries.

Upon saying that, how do you think DH's welsh family would feel if they found out after the fact that DH had been as close as Paris but didn't make the effort to visit?

#20 JECJEC

Posted 25 February 2013 - 09:00 PM

You are  an adult. You can make your own decisions.

#21 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 25 February 2013 - 09:03 PM

QUOTE (JECJEC @ 25/02/2013, 09:00 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
You are  an adult. You can make your own decisions.

One does not make decisions in isolation of all others.  

The OP  and her DH need to decide if they include a family visit into their holiday or not.  It's not necessarily an isolated decision as it will have repercussions for them.

#22 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 25 February 2013 - 09:06 PM

If we go to London though, we're still going to have the same problem as having to fly to Cardiff and then drive for 3-4 hours. My point is that I don't want to be traveling every few days and would rather base ourselves in one place for over a week.

Also I think it's pointless traveling for 4-5 hours to spend overnight in rural Wales and have to come back the next day so would think we would need to spend longer there.

I just don't see the sudden urgency for us to go as part of this trip when DH could take the kids and go a separate time like was previously suggested.

But like I said, I really don't want to go so am finding it easy to find excuses! Lol, DH doesn't want to go either but wants to please his mum.

I have met the relatives before (as we went to see them on our honeymoon) and they are nice. I just really wanted to go to Paris.

I guess I think if someone was coming to the Southern hemisphere I wouldn't expect them to come and visit me in Australia if it was such an inconvenient journey.

Edited by Sunnycat, 25 February 2013 - 09:09 PM.


#23 au*lit

Posted 25 February 2013 - 09:10 PM

QUOTE (Tammy Swanson @ 25/02/2013, 07:57 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Seems I am in the minority. I think you are being unfair as you are travelling half way across the world for something to do with your family but yet can't travel a couple of hours to see your DH family in Wales.

Instead of Paris why don't fly direct to London have a few days there and do a 2/overnight trip to Wales. Just sounds like to me you are not wanting to do it to spite MIL. sorry.

Plus I personally think Paris is very un-family friendly anyway, London is way more fun for kids.


I agree with this. But it sounds like you've made up your mind that you don't want to go, and don't want to be swayed.

Seriously, these are old people and it may well be the last opportunity for them to meet your DH and his children. You could make it work to spend a few days there and do a bit of local sightseeing. And Wales is seriously beautiful.

Even if you don't get there this time, Paris will still be there. And just between you, me and the internet, I think Paris is slightly overrated (and I have spent a lot of time there).

#24 Feral Dinosaurus

Posted 25 February 2013 - 09:11 PM

We did last Xmas in the UK with a 3 year old and 13 month old.

The flight went well.

We then did 1600 miles in 3 weeks in a small hire car biggrin.gif

There were a few hairy moment, but realistically the whole trip went fine.

So yes, I would, I did already.

I also think having them trek to Paris is more than reasonable. I find the further that you travel the less willing people are to travel to you. I've gone to London and not seen a friend because Paddington was too far from her work laughing2.gif

Oops, missed the update. Just go. Wales is lovely.

Edited by Dinosaurus, 25 February 2013 - 09:12 PM.


#25 Blossom11

Posted 25 February 2013 - 09:13 PM

I am also in the minority but I would go.

They obviously want to meet you (and were prepared to pay for you to visit) so whatever my feelings about my MIL, I would go. Your relationship with MIL has nothing to do with this situation or the Uncle.

Will you get free accomodation?  That would be great as its quite expensive to pay in Paris.  Also, we spent 5 days in France - 3 just at Euro Disney.  I think 3 days would be plenty with young children.  We spent one day walking around getting our bearings, did the tourist things on the 2nd and would have liked another day just so it wasn't as rushed but we did what we wanted to do.




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