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Feeling terrible about unplanned pregnancy when close friend has just miscarried

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#1 123Babies4Me

Posted 24 February 2013 - 05:09 PM

I found out yesterday that I am pg - I am bfing my 10 mth old and AF hasn't returned, so I have no idea how far along I am. However all I can think is how terrible I am.

My close friend just miscarried a month ago and I have been supporting her (I have had a previous miscarriage). In our first conversation post mc she told me how she didn't know how she would cope with anyone she knew getting pg. I told her that I wasn't planning to TTC soon - I even used the words 'I couldn't do that to you' (I also struggled with pg announcements after my mc).

I haven't been using contraceptives since DD was born because I wanted to welcome a 3rd child if they were to come. I think DH and I have only DTD once since my friends mc, and with the bfing and the lack of AF I naively thought that there was no chance in hell I would fall pg. When I started to think that something strange might be going on I even said to DH that we should start using something so it didn't happen.

Well it only takes once.

I'm just terrified that she will never want to talk to me again, and that I have essentially told her I'd do something which I didn't do....

#2 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 24 February 2013 - 05:14 PM

She doesn't need to know all the details and that you only DTD once and haven't had AF return. You don't have to tell her right away either.

I would just be honest and upfront. I had to tell my friend I was pregnant when she had been trying for almost 2 years to get pregnant. She's still trying for her first. I didn't tell her that we only DTD once etc, just told her I was pregnant and that Id understand if she needed some space from me, but I'm here for her.

She will probably be upset, that is understandable, just give her some time.

Good luck and congratulations.

#3 MoonPie

Posted 24 February 2013 - 05:27 PM

You just have to do it. I really struggled telling a friend of mine who has long term fertility struggles that I was pregnant with my second. She knew I was sort of thinking about TTC soon, so she knew it was very easy.

It was really hard but she was a trooper and has been 100% supportive. I told her to please tell me if she wanted some distance or wanted me to talk less about it, but she's genuinely excited original.gif

#4 ms flib

Posted 24 February 2013 - 05:35 PM

Tell her sooner than later otherwise she will be right to think you haven't been completely honest.

All the best and congratulations on your pregnancy!

#5 Mrs Mc

Posted 24 February 2013 - 05:53 PM

You have to tell her.  I'd be more p*ssed off if you didn't tell me

#6 pitzinoodles

Posted 24 February 2013 - 06:10 PM

QUOTE (SusieBlue @ 24/02/2013, 05:09 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
so I have no idea how far along I am.

I told her that I wasn't planning to TTC soon

I haven't been using contraceptives

You have to tell her...but you have to get your story straight.

It wasn't planned, but you didn't use contraception because you wanted to welcome another baby....

If you have only DTD once, then you can work out how far along you are.

She will probably analyze your situation because she (probably desperately) wants a baby and will pick up on the inconsistencies and that will make her feel a million times worse.

Tell her and then let her have space if she needs it. Hopefully she falls pregnant really soon. original.gif

#7 shopalot33

Posted 24 February 2013 - 06:14 PM

I agree with PPs that you should tell her.

I know I cannot speak for your friend, but I've just had a recent miscarriage and, if a very close friend of mine became pregnant, I would like to at least find joy in her good news.  I would never begrudge anybody's joy at a much wanted pregnancy and I am sure your friend would be the same.

There may be times where it's a bit of a struggle for her and a little distance and understanding may be required, as I think that's how I would be.  But overall, this is happy news.

I wish you a healthy and happy pregnancy and best of luck with your friend.  You sound like you've been a lovely friend to her, so I am sure she will be just as supportive to you.

#8 *Natski82*

Posted 24 February 2013 - 06:21 PM

I feel really sorry for you sad.gif I am sure your friend will understand. Good luck.

#9 123Babies4Me

Posted 24 February 2013 - 06:45 PM

Hi everyone - thank you very much for your responses. I think you've been a lot kinder than I expected!

I do plan to tell her very soon. I am a bit torn as to when to do it, because I know she is TTC. I am just hoping that her next HPT will be positive, but I can't count on that. I think perhaps the best thing to do will be to tell her once I have had a dating scan and have some idea of what is happening.

Just to clear up my story, I am assuming that I fell pg the last time we DTD because I know I wasn't pg at Christmas (I did a test) and I'm not so far along that my clothes are getting too tight etc. However I'm not 100% on that.

I did want to leave the window open for a third baby, but was not actively TTCing by using OPKs etc. Some people will not see a difference between those things and I can understand that. However once my friend mced I definitely did not want to fall pg, and it was my stupidity that led me to believe that it wouldn't happen based on the number of times we DTD and bfing etc. I really should have used contraceptives.

#10 luke's mummu

Posted 24 February 2013 - 07:42 PM

I would tell her about your pregnancy when you are ready to tell everyone, don't advertise it wasn't "actively" planned, don't moan about morning sickness etc.

I have a friend who has been TTC for 12 years now, never pregnant but not given up. Both times I told her I was pregnant she cried and was a bit cold/nasty during the pregnancy, but has been great once the baby arrived.

My advice would be expect her to be a bit cold/distant when you tell her, but don't give up on the friendship, she will come around. And hopefully have her own baby soon.

#11 Penguin78

Posted 24 February 2013 - 08:21 PM

I know how you feel.

My cousin has had trouble conceiving her second. We are the same age and our first children are the same age. I am not looking forward to her knowing. I am going to tell her mum first so she can let her daughter know. I thought it would be easier for for her as we are not that close.

Good luck telling your friend. I am sure you will be very sensitive and that she will eventually find joy in her friends new baby.

#12 VJs Mummy

Posted 24 February 2013 - 08:29 PM

I agree tell her and just say you will understand if she needs some space better to tell her now and also just let her know you will be there for her still also

#13 flyingkiwi

Posted 25 February 2013 - 09:46 AM

Hi SusieBlue!

I'm a lurker not a poster these days (since we moved on from our grads of TTCWB group) but I couldn't not respond.

Congratulations!!! ddance.gif ddance.gif ddance.gif  Even if you weren't actively trying, that is still very exciting news. Especially knowing what you went through trying to conceive #2.

As for your friend, I agree you have to tell her sooner rather than later, but leave out details unless she asks - it might even make it worse if she knows it was unplanned, because how dare you be so fertile as to conceive while BFing and before AF has returned? However, even if she is sad for herself, she'll understand that you didn't go out and get pregnant just to make things hard for her. Just let her set the pace of the friendship for a while, and if she finds it hard to be around you, you know it's not *you*, it's just the fact you're pregnant and she's not.

Good luck.

#14 againagain

Posted 25 February 2013 - 10:21 AM

I had a miscarriage at the same time two of my very close friends became pregnant.

Yes it was a bit hard to hear, and to 'follow' their pregnancies, thinking that this is what I would be like, now my baby would be due etc etc. BUT I would have felt bloody awful if they had not told me.

I don't think just because someone has suffered a loss and is grieving that they are unable to be pleased for others, especially a good friend. It might be a bit hard at first but with time I am sure she will be fine.

If I had spent my whole life trying NOT to conceive a child due to a friends loss I would not have any children.

Miscarriage is common, it happens a lot. That doesn't mean it is not important or doesn't hurt badly, but it is a fact of life and you do need to go ahead with your life, as do your friends.

Good luck telling her and congrats on your pregnancy.

#15 ~ky~

Posted 26 February 2013 - 01:10 AM

I had a friend find out that she was unexpectedly pregnant the day that my daughter died.

Out of respect but fearing what my reaction would be, she and her husband sat down with my DH and I the next day and told us so that we didn't hear about it through the grapevine.

Obviously, I was hurting very much that my little girl had passed away and now these friends who aready had 3 children were having another, but at the same time I was happy for them and grateful that they were considerate enough to tell us as soon as they knew. It was hard to see them go through their pregnancy and then to hold their little girl in their arms for longer than I got to hold mine, but at the same time I was very happy for them.

I was also pregnant with my fourth child at the same time as my two SILs. They went on to have their babies whilst mine passed away at 17 weeks due to me becoming extremely ill. It was hard to celebrate their little ones, but I did. When ever I see my two neices I am reminded what my son should be doing. It hurts briefly then I am able to move on.

Edited by ~ky~, 26 February 2013 - 01:12 AM.

#16 Koobie83

Posted 26 February 2013 - 09:53 AM

It's a little different, but the day after I had my 20 week scan and found out I'm having a little girl literally only 30 mins after I was talking to my aunty and uncle about it and hearing their excitement (and my little cousins) they found out their eldest son died in a car crash the previous night.

It was absolutely horrible and I still feel bad and awkward bringing a new life into the world when they have lost one.

#17 Cooperdoo

Posted 26 February 2013 - 10:00 AM

I had this happen. MY sil found out she was pregnant very soon after I miscarried. When she told me I was honestly happy for her, she said she was a bit worried because of what had happened, but honestly, it was fine.

What I didn't take to well though, was when she posted her ultrasound photos on facebook. As we would have been having our u/s at the same time.

#18 Koobie83

Posted 26 February 2013 - 10:44 AM

QUOTE (Cooperdoo @ 26/02/2013, 10:00 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I had this happen. MY sil found out she was pregnant very soon after I miscarried. When she told me I was honestly happy for her, she said she was a bit worried because of what had happened, but honestly, it was fine.

What I didn't take to well though, was when she posted her ultrasound photos on facebook. As we would have been having our u/s at the same time.

And that's why I didn't put anything on facebook about my pregnancy until I was 26 weeks. Even then I felt bad because of my Aunty losing her son and a few friends struggling with their fertility.

Edited by Koobie83, 26 February 2013 - 10:45 AM.

#19 Princess Holly

Posted 26 February 2013 - 01:27 PM

I can totally relate tohow you feel. Just before I found out I was pregnant with DD my sister had miscarried for the 3rd time after losing her 2 month old daughter. She was devastate. I really didn't want to tell her as I knew how heartbroken she was and how badly she really wanted another child. I decided it was better that I tell her sooner rather than later as the rest of my family already knew and it would have been so much worse for her finding out from someone else. What I didn't know was that she was booked in for a d&c the day I told her. She was so angry with me for a long time after that, we barely spoke. Now, 5yrs on, we get along really well and have daughters 6 months apart. She was even able to be my main support when I miscarried last year. I think that it will be painful for your friend but she will come around and be happy for you in time.

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