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Am i being over sensitive?
My birthday...

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#1 *concerned*

Posted 22 February 2013 - 10:57 PM

It my birthday next Saturday and my DD got an invitation to her best friends birthday (who goes to a different school and lives about 20 minutes away) for the Sunday but it's her weekend to go to her Dad's. She asked what was happening that weekend. Hubby hadn't mentioned anything, but I told her shell be with us as I would organise a weekend swap.
She was happy with that...

Today I spoke to Hubby about needing to swap weekend with Ex. He asked what date was for the kids party and i told him the 3rd. And then he blurts out "so what day is your birthday?"

My heart fell through the floor. All hopes of secret carefully laid plans, the possibility of a small hidden stash of money having been put away (things are tight financially), a breakfast in bed, a special cake... anything. Gone. He didn't even know what day it was. He hadn't thought about the fact our DD year old was meant to be with her Dad that weekend. Nothing.

Admittedly, he was still awake at 12noon after doing an 11pm  to 7am night shift. Our lives are hectic with two kids, him working shift work with no pattern or predictability in his job, financial strain, a $1600 repair bill for our work car (which we didn't know was that high at the time of conversation, thought it was $400), after school activities for kids,  and running our own business. He has been doing a string of afternoon shifts so home around 11.30pm, but we don't make it to bed before 1am at the earliest. So things are challenging, but that's just our life...

Anyway, I got upset. I feel insignificant,, unimportant and very hurt. I didn't scream and yell. I did a bit later, when trying to explain why I was upset, trying to express my pain.

All he could say was that he has/we have been so busy. That he wanted to go away with the kids but we can't afford it. Then the car bill came so all chances of even a night away went poof. Then he tried to say for me not to get upset, it wasn't intentional.

I know he loves me. He works incredibly hard to support the family. I have no complaints or issues with him and housework or the business or kids. He is very loving and (normally) attentive. We talk for hours so no communication issues and have no issues with each other's in-laws.

For me, that makes it worse.

Am I over-reacting? What do you think?

#2 Beanbag Warrior

Posted 22 February 2013 - 11:02 PM

I would certainly be upset.

My husband KNOWS he's hopeless.  He has freely admitted he goes hunting for my licence or birth certificate around Valentines day so he doesn't forget the date.  (14 March).  WE've been together 7 years, he still does it each year.

There's still time for him to do something small but meaningful.

#3 Magnus

Posted 22 February 2013 - 11:09 PM

It does sound hurtful, but at least you had this conversation now while there's still enough time left for him/you to plan something nice (even if not expensive).

If you don't think he's the kind that will take the initiative to do something romantic, then maybe just tell him what you want him to do/plam, so you know that something will happen on your birthday. I know it's not your responsibility, but it might make you feel better if you're not worried for the next week about him not making the effort.

#4 bakesgirls

Posted 22 February 2013 - 11:12 PM

I'd be upset too if my DH didn't know when my birthday was. It's not a big thing to ask that he remember, no matter how busy he has been IMO.

I hope he does something nice for you OP, now that he has been reminded. original.gif

#5 Justaduck

Posted 22 February 2013 - 11:13 PM

DP only this afternoon forgot mine - one of those "What is your ***** name" things came up on FB & he read mine as a completely wrong date altogether. His excuse "Men are hopeless with dates." My Dad is just as bad, even though we share the same date of the month that we were born.
I do usually mention in the lead up It is my bday in x amount of weeks just in conversation, not even as a reminder to him.
He still has time to do brekky in bed or make a cake for you, I wouldn't give up hope just yet.

#6 Fright bat

Posted 22 February 2013 - 11:22 PM

I think you're over reacting.

Its just a birthday. You should feel special every day because your husband clearly works hard to support your family. Not devastated because the media/movies/marketers/society say birthdays should be a big deal.

If you feel neglected and unimportant, there's probably more going on than him not instantly rememberin what day of the week in two weeks your birthday happens to fall on.

#7 Imaginary friend

Posted 22 February 2013 - 11:25 PM

some people are just bad at remembering dates -  I think you are reading too much into this.

#8 Acidulous Osprey

Posted 22 February 2013 - 11:35 PM

Well it's all very well to say that you are overreacting if the presumption is that you are feeling nurtured overall.

If you are being cared for and nurtured on a daily basis then well ummm cut him some slack?  But it's hard to see that you would react that way if you if you felt you were being cared for with what you share.

#9 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 22 February 2013 - 11:37 PM

In the ten years DH and I have been together, he has gotten me 2 birthday presents. One thoughtless, last minute gift, the other a present his mother had chosen.

He makes such a big song and dance about stressing out because its my birthday but then does nothing.

10 years.

I feel your pain. It still hurts me every year and yet each year I'm stupid enough to think maybe this year will be different.

#10 Feralishous

Posted 23 February 2013 - 01:41 AM

Id be sad too sad.gif

#11 GenWhy

Posted 23 February 2013 - 02:15 AM

I wouldn't be sad about the lack of a weekend away or anything planned. I'd definitely be upset about him not remembering your birthday.

My DH have been together for over 11 years. I think I've gotten one birthday present and card in that time. It is even more frustrating when they know it's your birthday but don't get you anything. He always says he has great ideas about what to buy or wants to surprise me but never follows through. I wisened up a few years ago and now don't get him anything either. On our wedding anniversary just gone, I got a card. I was gobsmacked. I hadn't bothered to get him one. I think it hurt his feelings. Maybe this year I'll get a birthday card!

#12 FauxPas

Posted 23 February 2013 - 05:13 AM

he sounds like such a lovely husband and caring father.  He is tired, over worked and stressed about bills/ providing for his family (that includes you!)....  you have already expressed your sadness to him, he responded, I am sure he will do something sweet for your birthday...   you need to give him a break  original.gif

#13 Feral-as-Meggs

Posted 23 February 2013 - 06:16 AM

My dad is hopeless at dates, and he finally realised he was just needlessly upsetting the (mostly) women in his life, so he made a little laminated card with all the birthdays and anniversaries and put it in photo section of his wallet. He checks it every few days.   Maybe you could suggest that to your DH.

#14 farfaraway

Posted 23 February 2013 - 06:34 AM

Sorry, but the "men are hopeless with dates" excuse wears a bit thin on me. If my DH can't be bothered remembering 3 significant dates - mine and our children's birthdays - then that's just pathetic. I completely understand why you are upset. Yes, it's "just" a birthday, but so what? It's the one day we are allowed to feel a little bit special and celebrated, so yes, I'd be monumentally peed if my DH couldn't remember the date. I wouldn't expect a massive gesture, but at the very least a card and a token of his care for me - coffee, breakkie made, whatever. Not too much to ask in my opinion.

#15 Leslie Knope

Posted 23 February 2013 - 06:36 AM

I think you're overreacting. It sounds like it was one of those mind slip things.

#16 MrsLexiK

Posted 23 February 2013 - 06:42 AM

If asked my DH couldn't tell you the date he could give you a few dates around the actual date but it would be a fluke if he got the correct date. I am also like this for half of our family (but come on there are 50 birthdays to remember I think I am doing good remembering half and having a general idea if the others)

#17 cinnabubble

Posted 23 February 2013 - 06:57 AM

It seems like he's an essentially lovely husband who forgot a date. Birthdays aren't a big deal to me, so I really wouldn't care, but obviously you do. I'd cut him some slack. It sounds like he works hard for you every day, which is way more important than just remembering one day and being pretty crap the rest of the time.

#18 feralisles

Posted 23 February 2013 - 07:06 AM

My DP rarely remembers mine (maybe three times in 25 years...)
I've learned not to expect anything so as not to be disappointed. That way it is a nice surprise if he actually does remember!

Like others have said OP, it is the bigger picture that counts.

#19 namie

Posted 23 February 2013 - 07:08 AM

QUOTE (Leslie Knope @ 23/02/2013, 07:36 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I think you're overreacting. It sounds like it was one of those mind slip things.

I agree. I remember the dates of most people's birthdays but I couldn't tell you what day they fall on.

I've been looking at late March/early April on the calendar a lot lately because my MIL is coming to stay with us. Her trip covers both DS2s 2nd birthday and DPs 40th. I know the dates she arrives, the dates of their birthdays, that we'll be having a celebration of some kind each of the two weekends, but in a conversation of what is happening on what day, I'd have to check the calendar.

If the conversation went as you said 'What day is your birthday?' then it sounds to me like he was just trying to get the days and dates straight in his head.

Edited by namie, 23 February 2013 - 07:08 AM.

#20 Penguin78

Posted 23 February 2013 - 07:14 AM

I think you are overreacting. I saw the question as him asking which day the date of your birthday fell on. And it's not like it wasn't on his radar he knew it was around that time so I would cut him some slack. But maybe say without getting upset that you would like the day to be acknowledged somehow within your means. I think it's important for kids to see as well that it's important to give to their parents on their special days and mot just receive all the time.

My husband is good at suprise presents but hopeless at planning ahead for big days he was getting steadily worse in that department until one year for my birthday I got nothing. No card nothing. And I was 8months pregnant with our first child!

So the next day I sat him down and calmy and rationally told him that birthdays were important to me. That I didn't need a million dollar gift but I would like him to think and plan to give me something for my birthday. Since then, he has been excellent and understands how I feel.

#21 Mpjp is feral

Posted 23 February 2013 - 07:17 AM

QUOTE (AvadaKedavra @ 23/02/2013, 12:22 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I think you're over reacting.

Its just a birthday. You should feel special every day because your husband clearly works hard to support your family. Not devastated because the media/movies/marketers/society say birthdays should be a big deal.

If you feel neglected and unimportant, there's probably more going on than him not instantly rememberin what day of the week in two weeks your birthday happens to fall on.

QUOTE (Hoi Polloi @ 23/02/2013, 12:35 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Well it's all very well to say that you are overreacting if the presumption is that you are feeling nurtured overall.

If you are being cared for and nurtured on a daily basis then well ummm cut him some slack?  But it's hard to see that you would react that way if you if you felt you were being cared for with what you share.

QUOTE (FauxPas @ 23/02/2013, 06:13 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
he sounds like such a lovely husband and caring father.  He is tired, over worked and stressed about bills/ providing for his family (that includes you!)....  you have already expressed your sadness to him, he responded, I am sure he will do something sweet for your birthday...   you need to give him a break  original.gif

I agree w all these posts. From what you've described you dh is working extremely hard, long hours, and shift work which is not really conducive to a calm mind!!!!  Yes it's just your life, but it doesn't stop those in it feeling the effects of it.
If your dh is as wonderful as you describe, and he does sound wonderful, I'd definitely calm down about your bday. In my opinion you've overreacted..... Maybe bc your life is also stressful?
From how you've described him, he probably feels like a right sh*t right now.

#22 Kay1

Posted 23 February 2013 - 07:20 AM

I used to get upset about this stuff. Unfortunately I've just had to accept that its not important to my DH like it is to me.

Last year he remembered in the morning and made the kids sing Happy Birthday. They didn't believe it was my birthday and just looked at DH oddly while he sang Happy Birthday and then went to work. I generally buy myself a present and say "this is for my birthday".

No amount of me telling him that its important to me, or showing him by doing nice things on his birthday has worked so I've had to just get over it. I would like to look forward to my birthday but I don't really. Maybe when the kids are older and can do something themselves. original.gif

I would def cut your DH some slack. He did know it was coming up and perhaps he will do something little for you. Expecting him to organise a night away or something in the circumstances sounds quite unrealistic. I'd settle for breakfast in bed or a bunch of flowers!!

#23 barrington

Posted 23 February 2013 - 07:27 AM

He didn't know what day of the week your birthday was on?  OTT reaction on your part.

Its my DD's birthday next week, I've only just looked at the calendar to see what day of the week it falls on.  Just because I didn't know whether or not her birthday was on Wednesday or Thursday, doesn't mean I don't care about her or won't have presents and a surprise for her.  

#24 The Old Feral

Posted 23 February 2013 - 07:35 AM

If my DH asked that what he would really be saying is "I know your birthday is xx/xx and it's coming up but I've lost track and can't remember which day of the week it's going to fall on".

At worst I'd roll my eyes and tease him about being a space cadet.

#25 MAGS24

Posted 23 February 2013 - 07:37 AM

I wouldn't be upset. I think that guys in particular have trouble remembering birthday dates etc. I always remind my husband about a month in advance that my birthday is coming up, just so that he has no excuse to forget. I used to get upset about lack luster or forgotten birthdays but now I just celebrate the kids birthdays and don't worry about DH or mine very much.

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